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 Post subject: Love at first sight...
PostPosted: Wed Mar 17, 2010 10:13 pm 
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First of all I would like to thank EVERYONE for their help and support so far. Every question I have had or comment has been responded to promptly and seemingly with genuine care. So I can't say it enough but THANK YOU!

I have now been on Suboxone since September and aside from a few side effects (constipation, sweating and weight gain) I am doing great. I will gladly sub these side effects and mange them rather than being a full blown addict again. My originally prescribed dose was 24 MG, soon after I cut down to 16 MG and I know take between 12-16 MG a day so I'm cutting down from 2 Subs to 1.5. While, everyone is different I plan to be on Subs as long as I can. I'm never going to be different and I'm never going to change. I'm going to be an addict my whole life and I can manage that by taking one pill in the morning well then I'm fine with that. People say you're just trading one addiction for another. To them I say so be it...Everyone has their addiction. I never, ever want to go back to the way I was. I ruined my life and I'm still just barely getting myself out of this huge hole I've been in. Anyways, here is my story...I'm sure it's not much different than everyone else but here it is. My dad is a functional alcoholic as well as had some deep embedded anger issues and My mother is an emotional cripple. I inherited a bit of both. I don't blame anything on them as other people do with their addictions. They didn't force a needle in my arm or a pill down my throat.

I like to call it a love affair...She was my lady and I was her man. At the age of 13 I started doing what most teenagers do, embarking on a quest to try anything and everything and while doing so think my parents and elders are the dumbest people on the face of the planet. I recently had just moved to Austin, Texas from Tucson, Arizona and I am an only child so you know I'm just crazy as hell. I met a new group of friends in middle school who were way ahead of me in terms of extra circular actives...Most weren't virgins anymore and most had been smoking weed for a while and advanced to quite more than that. I started smoking weed and from the start I just loved it. Took all of my problems away, made me happy, made me laugh and made a handful of dirt taste good. I got caught a few times, got a slap on the wrist and grounded...Eventually I had smoked so much I built up a tolerance so it was impossible to tell if i was smoking anyways. On to high school and they start educating you about addictions and the whole "medicine cabinet buzz" trend was in full effect. My mom had recently had re constructive knee surgery as when she was younger her knee literally got mauled. in a horrible automobile accident. My friend had come over and we were done smoking weed and we were in the kitchen...Getting munchies and asking "Do I look high?" as we put in eyedrops, put on these new awesome product called Axe Body spray and did everything we could to mask the fact we were getting high. I was only 14 at the time and my friend Chris was 16 and loved drugs. We were in my pantry grabbing some pop tarts when he saw a bottle of 5-500 Hydrocodone. 100 of them with only 2 missing that had been there for a few months next to a bottle of Vicodin syrup. He asked if I knew what it was and I said no so he asked if he could take some before band practice and I said yes, I had heard of it but didn't really know it effects or what it did. So, later the week late at night I was out of weed and just so desperate to get high. My parents were going through a divorce and I would do anything to get high. So, like I good boy and I read the label and it said take 1-2 every few hours. I figured I'll take 3 as when something says one thing you of course do the opposite. I remember taking them and chasing it down with some of the Vicodin syrup which tasted like pure ethanol alcohol. I then laid in bed, watching tv in the dark as it was a Sunday and school was the next day. All of a sudden, my body started tingling and my mood just became fantastic....I started getting this warming sensation and all of my muscles just started melting like butter. I started calling a few girls that I liked and I just had the confidence of an NFL quarterback and was just blabbing away. I felt SO good and from that point on I was IN LOVE. I eventually took the whole bottle as my mother never noticed and began taking them at school. My attitude improved, my grades improved and life was just jolly as it could be. I ran out and it was no big deal, I didn't have any W/D. I didn't take them for a while till fast forward a year and one of my friends named Jacob gave me these two yellow pills...He said his mom had them for a neck injury and they were like the Vicodins I took except stronger.

I took these 3 norcos and I had never...ever...ever felt so good. I knew from this moment on I was in love and I always had money for him whenever he had them. he would just sell me a few at a time for 2 dollars apiece. Then, later in my Sophomore year I bought these pills called oxy contin. I bought 80mg worth but I was kind of afraid. There was a strong stigma aroudn these as these were the pills Jack Osbourne took and was extremely addicted too. I snorted all 80 MG and went outside to smoke a bowl. Within minutes I was in heaven. I couldn't stop talking, I was warm, fuzzy, happy, and in bliss. After that I took any opiate I could find, OC, Percs, Vics, Morphine, Methadone, Poppy Tea. I was never an addict, just took them whenever they came up. Eventually I briefly moved to Phoenix and back to Austin. I finally had my bank account released to me and I had about 9 grand in there.

Low and behold when I return I met these person who ALWAYS had Loritabs 10/500. I started taking them all the time till they stopped coming in for a while and became addicted to Xanax for a while. I stopped and came over the W/D's with vicodin . Eventually my friend got them and I had about 15 contacts for The Yellows, Blue, Or White wonderful pills. I never ran out, I had money, a job and I was high as a kite. I started taking them just at night, maybe 4 at a time...then I started taking them when I woke up, then eventually I took them everyday, all day. My favorite thing to do in the morning was wake up, take a piss, pop 5 Norcos, wash them down with a beer, smoke a bowl of chronic and lay in bed with my dog as the drugs hit me. It was my coffee and my, my , my it had a punch. Money started running low, I started getting in trouble with the law. I started getting angry, mad, hostile when I didn't have my pills, Me and all my close friends were addicts and the pills became before the friendship. I then got a girlfriend a fell off the map for a few months, stopped taking pills as much....I obtained Subs illegally and took them. Eventually, she ended up being a cheating whore and left me. I then started hanging out with my ol' friend Tom and said "You know, just once I want to try Heroin...Don't you? we should do it together for the first time...Just once."


Oh yeah...remember that money I had saved up? Gone. All the money I made every week was spent on drugs...I was a waiter so I got cash nightly and most of the people I worked with were dealers or had connects I rarely walked out the door with money...Just a pocket full of pills...Which is ALWAYS better than money. I'd save a dollar or two to grab some food from a value menu at fast food places since I never had food at my house...Only beer and water and my dogs food and biscuits.

Turns out Tom had been taking Heroin for a while and he could get it any time. Well, the first time I did it he stuck me with a needle and shot me up as I was a needlephob and my veins are very, very hard to find. Well, I did it once, twice, three times, then I was stealing for my habit, lost my job, got in more legal trouble but I couldn't stop. Eventually, I went to a 1-week suboxone detox clinic. My parents were becoming very, very angry with me but this clinic was a last ditch effort...I was supposed to be cured right? Wrong, about a month later I did heroin...for the very last time. I did the purest, blackest heroin I've ever seen. I did it once in the morning, the beautiful colour of the red and brown spiraling in the needle...They were dancing. I shot it, all my pain dissappeared....all of the legal problems, divorced parents, the pain, my fucks up were gone. Eventually, two hours later I did it again...I woke up in the parking lot, face down, vomit coming out of my mouth not knowing how I got there. Someone called the EMTs, I ran for I still had a balloon and didn't have money or insurance for an EMT ride. I then took the last of my heroin. After this, I had a friend who would get subs and I started taking them. They were expensive, 20 a pill and they were hard to come by. Eventually, i had to go to jail from the past legal issues and when I came out I hit the needle once more. Luckily I had birthday money when I came out of jail and I spent it all on a doctor and got on suboxone....

My life is slowly in an upturn, I am drug-free (Well, besides pot) since July. I have found happiness is things I used to not fnid happiness in, My relationships with my family is better than ever and I feel like A REAL PERSON AGAIN. I still think of using everyday, when i see those reality shows on TV with people shooting themselves up I get all riled up and can't stop thinking about it...But now I know, i can't fall back into that. I'll die. I'm a better person for going through it but I'm lucky I came out the other end and will not jeopardize that. I'm me, I'm a human being...Not some monster fueled by my addiction. I was a car and my gas was the Pills. Now...I guess you can say I switched to electric and no longer have to worry where my next fix is and fear withdrawals. I no longer steal money from my family, steal for my habit and hurt my loved ones...

Most importantly I don't hurt me anymore. That is my story....

Ryan K. Leddy

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