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PostPosted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 7:38 pm 
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I recently went on a near 2 week binge on dope. I'd been on subs for a while, maintaing at a roughly 1mg/day dose. the week prior to the binge, I stopped taking sub for almost 5 days. I told myself that I had probably already been through the worst of whatever WD's I was facing, (which was near nothing) and rationalized with myself to use. Well, I used for about 9 days, and on the last (Sunday) I realized I needed more subs, for when I had to go back into work, since I was most likely going to WD from what I'd done. So I went and found 16 mg's of suboxone. This was right before heading on the road back home, about a 7 hour drive. So I get home in the evening, and when unpacking, I cant find the subs...and when I try to think back to the moment I received them, when trying to remember where I put them, my mind goes blank...I start panicking, wondering if I accidentally threw them away at one of my two gas station stops along the way...or if they possibly flew out my window when having a cigarette...or if just maybe, while walking into the gas station, someone broke into my car and stole them...I don't know what to think, because I can't find them anywhere...I've searched my car multiple times, each time making me more insanely irate than the last...I've searched my bag, but it's not big...maybe I put it in the bathroom utility bag? Nope. My mind has gone numb from thinking back to that moment I got them, not able to remember where I put them...which is so rare...I ALWAYS know where I put my stuff. But, in the end, they are lost. In a trash can at a gas station somewhere? Maybe. On the side of the highway somewhere? Maybe. I don't know, and it brings tears to my eyes when I think about it, knowing just one sliver would make me feel nice and dandy.

Luckily, before even going on this trip, I had about 3 mg's left, which I've been spacing out for the past 2 days, trying to make it last as long as possible...I'm thinking I can make the 3 mgs last til Friday...but I dont know. hopefully by then, all the dope is out of my system, and since I was off subs for almost 2 full weeks, 4 or 5 days on .75mg/day wont make for very painful WD's. I hope so. I can't afford to lose my job, or risk having to tell my family. This has gone too far, and I know I have no one to blame for being here except myself, but what the fuck...why? Why does this shit have to be so fucking hard to stop.


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 01, 2012 7:36 am 
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Ah yes, why do we keep going back to opiates? BECAUSE WE ARE OPIATE ADDICTS!!! And addiction is an insidious disease that wants to pull us back into active addiction. It's like it's sole purpose is to trick our minds into thinking we can overcome by sheer willpower and strength of character. Well, that's just not true. Addiction is a disease that changes our brain chemistry! The cravings are very real.

As for your withdrawals, think of it this way. Your brain does not differentiate between different kinds of opiates. You'll need to look at how long over the recent past you've had any kind of opiate in your system, be it sub or a full agonist. Your body will need to withdraw from any opiate that it's dependent on. Period. An opiate is an opiate is an opiate. So if you were dependent on sub before your binge, then did enough during that time that you were also dependent on what you used then, then you are still dependent on OPIATES in general and you still have w/d to go through. I hope that makes sense.

So when you say you were taking 1 mg before you relapsed, were you tapering off or was that your maintenance dose? Being on a maintenance dose that low doesn't address cravings nor does it block other opiates - as you found out. Now if you were doing a taper, well, then maybe you're simply not ready to try to go about recovery/remission on your own. To determine that, think to yourself what's changed in your life and even your thought processes since your active addiction. Those are the kinds of things we need to change, in addition to coping skills, etc. If we don't change how we handle stress, anxiety, and even (or especially) our feelings, then we're likely at a higher risk of relapse when we stop sub treatment. Now I'm not asking you to share any of that with us, but just to think about it yourself.

I hope this helps or at least provides some food for thought. Good luck to you in whatever you do.

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