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 Post subject: Losing It
PostPosted: Wed Nov 08, 2017 10:07 pm 
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Joined: Tue Aug 22, 2017 1:41 am
Posts: 84
I don’t feel like myself this week. Or maybe I feel more like myself than I have in a long time. I’ve begun to question and examine beliefs I’ve held since childhood. Beliefs that had been etched indelibly upon both ego and psyche, pushing me into an endless cycle of sin and repentance. Who can dance that dance forever?

Not I.

I don’t disbelieve in my Higher Power, but I’m not inclined to render my spiritual tax unto some human controlled agency of forgiveness. I’m tired. I’m miles from success. What has happened is a regression into my tainted youth. I’m listening to some of the same music my wannabe goth self used to pour into my greasy ears on the back of the school bus, staring scornfully at the people around me and trying to dodge all the pennies flying though the air. I’ve been doing what I want to do, perhaps very selfishly. Zubsolv sits at the heart of it all as my Get Out Of Jail Free card when the anxiety and guilt set in. But this examination has left me with a sense of freedom heretofore unknown to me. I almost feel like I need it less, but at the same time it contrasts my new sense of freedom like a white box full of slavery.

I hope everyone is well. I’m still married, still sleeping in the same bed as my wife. We have problems, and all you’d have to do to get the full story there is read a few if my posts in the Family Stories board. To save you the trouble though; I’m not all that interesting. I’m of a weak demographic that was winnowed out of the herd and devoured by the lions and hyenas of American commerce.

I gotta go. My wife is digging into me now. She shifted from a good mood to a shit mood. Just. Like. That. My fault? Maybe. All the same, I’m going crazy over here. I don’t know if I know who I am anymore. I’m seeing my psychiatrist in a week, but I think I’m gonna switch docs. They’re nice, but they seem obtuse and dismissive. I have problems that require more than smiles and deliberate eye contact. Anyway, sorry for rambling.

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