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PostPosted: Mon Oct 28, 2013 11:11 pm 
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I'm eight days in today(50wm), the clarity is nothing short of incredible.....I had forgotten how well I think......when free of the drug I seen more as a lover than the thief she is/was/will forever be! . 1996 was the year I met Ms. Tylox, via a naughty nurse saying" try this, I call them happy pills"!. That will always be a profound time in my life, a snap shot that I'd love to see fade, but instead stays vibrant, relevant, and damned personal. I had not a clue where that one decision would lead me, what it would come to cost those I "loved", and then to think of WAISTING nearly 20 years. Hey, I am just beginning to wake up today, I mean really wake up, so the realization of what I've been, and coming to terms with the reality I created is beyond words right now. So yes, I have begun the personal inventory, not digging what I see but BIG TIME thankful this is where I am today. At some time this afternoon I felt a change, either something disconnecting from me, or perhaps a few connections being restored...either way, I dig it. Maybe a little motivation for someone, it happened a few hours into forcing myself to leave. And I mean FORCING myself to MOVE! This taste of clarity, this new/old reality, is sweeter than Tupelo honey. My prognosticator(love ya babe) just said she thought she heard an 'ALL ABOARD' for the roller coaster ride effect she perused here. Well maybe I wouldn't get things I don't know about!!!! lol Actually this struggle of mine/ours, the home detox, has brought us closer. Interesting! ;>)

I really pray for sleep tonight, sweet, sweet REM is all I need. I will perhaps post more tomorrow. Oh, because of the consensus here, I am trying 0.2 of clonidine to aid in some righteous ZZZZ's, just giving me a fighting chance at kicking that devil's arse! As open as these forum may seem, even as you read the most forward, most candid posts here, we're only scratching the surface. Reading between the lines, looking for something that can affirm HOPE, confirm FAITH, and just maybe HELP us understand we are all BROKEN, BUT REPAIRABLE.


One day at a time....sweet Jesus! Haven't heard that Hymn for years but discovered myself softly singing it.

Thanks for listening. This forum has been great staples the last few days.

SLEEP is good medicine, and as I can tell I think I got a total of 5 hours last night. That's exciting, and a relief. Sleep deprivation messes with me like nothing else, so sweet....a new day here.

Just to follow up after reading my rambling intro from last night there are a few things that are really important, I hope can benefit me by writing about it, and help someone else.

I've been on subutex/suboxone for 5 years, when I discovered that drug, it was a miracle for me. I had a big oxy dependency, and for the first time in years felt motivated to stop the madness. This has been the hardest thing I can recall ever having done, yet I am anything BUT done.

Oh, and that roller coaster, I'm a passenger this morning for sure. I think this is good though, I was way too righteous last night, endorphin city man, the more I breathed in all the new feelings, connected with my old friend Clarity, the more excited I got. Today, back to reality!

But what is reality? Don't we create our own, I at least have always felt the ability to create mine, not in some fantasy world(another post perhaps), but creating a reality based on what we feed ourselves mentally, emotionally, etc, based on TRUTHS. MY TRUTHS. (As a man thinketh, so is he.) I am realizing I am in a stage of cleaning out all of the CRAP I had brought into my world, the JUNK I had made part of my TRUTH. Not a pleasant process, but I feel a NEED to empty myself of the darkness I allowed in while numb, BUT MOST IMPORTANT replace with GOOD stuff. POSITIVE thinking, POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS, get out of this house/mindset/REALITY that I shut myself into. I all of a sudden see how vital it is for my long term recovery that I change my thinking. I had fallen into a negative mindset, that's a hard truth for me, but I know how to fix it. Case closed!

So 9 days today, thank God!

Thank everyone for listening to my end/beginning. I'm humbled by all this.


Last edited by RYD2L1V on Wed Oct 30, 2013 10:30 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Tue Oct 29, 2013 4:41 pm 
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oh my goodness... I'm so happy that I read your post... :)

I can relate to so much of what you said. ESP, the part about not even knowing who you are. It can be very disturbing and cause you to really over think things. I have had this SAME feeling now for some months, and its eased up a bit. however, I really honestly feel like a 17 year old whos trying to find themselves! :shock: lol

I too, was on subs for 5+ years. You hit the nail on the head about the roller coaster ride! Coming in hot,back to reality! lol.

I'm glad you came here to share how you are feeling. Its so comforting to know that someone else is going through the same thing and can relate to you and help you out, without judgment. Hope youre doing okay bud. Were here for ya! Hugs your way.

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PostPosted: Tue Oct 29, 2013 5:41 pm 
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TINY! hey girl..... :D

I also was thinking about all of you, (you're so damn sweet.) but I completely isolated myself for a few months now. I have extreme anxiety at the thought of just leaving my house, or going outside! I only left to get my damn cigs. That is an essential right now. lol. Take those away at this moment, and there's going to be some serious trouble. haha. I really developed some very scary feelings. I felt venerable, and that something bad was going to happen. Confused almost, like a daze. Life just passing by. It can really get to you!

However, there is strength in numbers and all the support you can get, take it and run with it. I appreciate everyone that has the courage to come on here and really express their true feelings without judgment. Its nice to know that you're not alone in this. And we, us "addicts", are the only ones that can truly help each other. Nobody is the same, but at the same time we all have one thing in common. And it can bite the dust and kick rocks because I'm fricken sick of it!!

"Here's to getting better together." ** Cheers**

RYD- I Hope all is well and we hear from you... take care of yourself. hugs to all

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PostPosted: Tue Oct 29, 2013 8:53 pm 
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WOW Jenni, thank you for your thoughts, feelings verbalized here, but I thank you most for the candid peek inside you. VERY easy and natural progression, when we abuse opiates, self medicating, self entertaining, isolating, shame, bad self image, confidence shaken to its core, no longer certain who we are. I can tell you this Jenni, you KNOW who you are, you KNOW all the good in you, that person is waiting for you. Embrace YOU! Get out of the house s MUCH as you can, find someone CLEAN that you can LAUGH with, its good medicine. The rewards, I truly believe, far outweigh the pain we are suffering right now. I know only this about me, I know that everything I need, all I want, the most rounded quality of LIFE, awaits me around the next corner. I have to KNOW this truth about my destination, so I focus on that peace I know is there, and very naturally gravitate to that which I focus(work) on in my mind's eye.

Is that way out there funky, have I fallen into an abyss of imagined clarity/Keep It Simple Stupid solutions, driven by a DEEP yearning to LIVE AGAIN, and can it be part of the solution to create/recreate our reality...within reason, lol???????????

I have never blogged, don't do social networking, but fell into this by my wife being helped by all of you. I'm acutely aware what I have taken from here/this/you in just a couple days, the disparity too of course. Thank you.


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 01, 2013 1:35 am 
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Thanks for sharing informative information with us.nice working keep it up....

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