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 Post subject: LIVING on suboxone
PostPosted: Sun Apr 25, 2010 9:04 am 
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The last time I was on suboxone, I didn't work hard enough to change my behaviors. Part of it was the underemphasis of therapy, treatment, etc. by my doctor. The other part was just me. I spent a lot of time sleeping and sitting around. I had no idea how to LIVE because everything I did was done while high or drunk. When I went off suboxone, I was so lost because I didn't have anything that was MINE to do or to think about. My husband took care of all the cleaning, cooking, bill paying. I didn't have the energy to take on projects plus I have ADD which is another part of me doing nothing because it is so hard to start and complete tasks. So when people would say to get up and do things....I had no idea what to do and really realized I had been wasting my life.

So this time around on suboxone, I decided to learn how to LIVE. I really have no idea what that even means for me. I don't go to NA or anything either so I don't have others to learn from. The way I decided to do this was to make sure I had plans for EVERY single weekend whether it be to spend time with friends, go on a trip, take on a project at home, etc. I also started working out every day (5-6 days per week).

Yesterday was the first day that I took on a project that I normally only would have done if I was high. I did Spring Cleaning! Or started rather since I haven't taken on such projects in 3 years. I used to wait to clean until I had a good dose of oxycontin on board and a lot of alcohol. Because in my mind, cleaning couldn't possibly be enjoyable unless I was high.

I spent 6 hours yesterday on the living room and informal dining room alone. I cleaned under the couches, under the cushions, the baseboards, the air vents, the walls, the plants, the EVERYTHING! I cleaned in every nook and cranny we have. I enjoyed my day immensely and was NOT HIGH! I have this euphoria by just looking around this morning and seeing how nice everything looks. It is so much less clausterphobic in here and everything has a place. I feel like this is the beginning of something bigger and don't know why. Today I am taking on the kitchen, formal dining, and the main bathroom. Every muscle in my body is sore by the way and by the end of the day yesterday the neuropathy in my feet was just WILD. But it was worth it.

I am curious if anyone else has been through this or what you did to learn to LIVE once you got off drugs. What did you do or how did you do it?

And.....if you actually read this far when all I am talking about is my spring cleaning....I have a funny story below.

Yesterday, vacuuming became a boy job in my house!
I have a fairly clean house MOST of the time by MOST people's standards. BUT....I prefer it to be perfect. When I was using the pet hair attachment to clean the furniture and was vacuuming under the cushions, it seemed like something was stuck in the attachment. Probably a stick from outside or a giant dust bunny or a leaf from a plant that the dog has buried into the cracks seeing as this is where she likes to hide the dog treats we give her and toys she is hiding from the other dog, etc. So I put my fingers into the end of the attachment (vacuum still sucking) and pull out the object that is clogging my attachment. :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: I pulled out a dead, dried up, little mouse! :shock: :shock: SCREAMED at the top of my lungs. FLUNG the mouse. Continued screaming. Meanwhile...my husband is :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: hysterically and warns me the windows are open and the neighbors can hear (apparently my screaming didn't sound so much like horrified screaming but something else) and he continues :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Apparently my puppy has decided to bury all kinds of little treasures in the couch. I am lucky it didn't stink up the whole place and am also lucky we are selling that furniture soon. My husband will be doing under the cushions from now on and there will also be weekly checks to remove any treasures from inside.

Cherie


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 25, 2010 9:35 am 
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Wow, I know exactly what you are talking about. I have been on sub almost a year now and I am still trying to teach myself how to live and get motivated to do things such as cleaning without being high. I still have this mindset that I can not tackle projects without being all up on pain pills. Once I get started Im fine, but it's just getting myself started....I also need to start exercising more, I know that will help me. It's just hard to find any extra energy with three kids.


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 25, 2010 11:58 am 
You hit the nail right on the head - It's all about getting started!! If I can just get started, I'll enjoy pretty much any project I do. The hardest part is just getting motivated! Man I struggle with that! As I have said many times before, that was the biggest thing that led to my relapse and it's one of the biggest triggers I deal with. It's not boredom, it's not really outright depression.....it's just low motivation. It's just so hard for me to get motivated to do anything! I was not like this before my addiction....not at all. And I'm not as bad as I was before Sub. But I can definitely see a decline as I reduce my dose. I had asked before on another thread if it was possible to have PAWS while still on buprenorphine. I so wonder that.
Anyway, sorry, back to you Cherie......That's wonderful that you got all that done. It does feel so good to survey the fruits of your labor the next day! I'm especially that way with my gardening. As far as the indoor chores.....I've had kids in the house forever, so I never get to enjoy a clean house for more than 15 minutes!! Your mouse story had me laughing so hard! That is awful!! Dang dogs!
I wish I had more suggestions for you, but honestly it sounds like you're doing great! I think we have to push ourselves just enough to get something started and we'll do better and better. It's a good idea that you've set yourself up by making plans for your free time. That way sitting around all weekend is not an option.
And you're right....If all we do is take Suboxone/Subutex, nothing changes. We'll be just as sick when we stop it as we were when we started it. It is imperative to have a comprehensive plan to change nearly every part of our lifestyle. It's hard to do, but worth it. As you seem to be finding out. Good for you!


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 25, 2010 12:47 pm 
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It's funny that you should bring this up, Cherie, because the very same subject has been on my mind about myself and my behavior, or lack thereof. I've recently been asking myself if I'm doing enough to be in healthy recovery. In addition to the suboxone I go to weekly individual therapy, marriage counseling every other week, and just started a new in-person suboxone support group. On the surface it sounds like I'm doing all the right things, but it doesn't FEEL or seem like enough. I know it's not reasonable to compare myself to the way others live their lives, but it's hard not to. Suboxone helps to treat my pain conditions, but I'm by no means pain-free. I therefore find myself wondering if I'm not doing enough. And I'm kicking myself in the ass for it. I can't even tell if I'm being too hard on myself or if I'm really NOT doing enough. I don't work and my conditions make it hard to keep up a fast pace. So what's the right pace for me? Well, I'm working on doing a better job figuring that out. Because of what you've said and the excellent example you provide, Cherie, I will start planning things to do with my day AHEAD of time. Like others here have said, I have the problem of low motivation. Except I often think of myself as bored and lazy. (That's the kicking myself in the ass thing again.)

As I alluded to above, I think you're doing GREAT, Cherie. You make plans and goals and you stick with them, including your exercise routine. I'm proud of you and you should be too. I appreciate the opportunity to talk about these things here, as it helps me to work through them. Sorry to hijack your thread.

_________________
-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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 Post subject: so glad you posted this!
PostPosted: Sun Apr 25, 2010 2:08 pm 
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Hi Cherie (love your name by the way)

I am so glad that you posted this. I see that several people have already responded in agreement, which makes me feel so much better. I have also felt this way for a very long time. When in active addiction, at first anyway, I could tackle any project, I felt like super woman. After years of taking oxy's and my dosing skyrocketing, it eventually turned on me like it does for everyone, and it became a chore to even look after myself properly.

Since being on sub, I have had a few relapses which really upset me. I honestly thought sub was not going to work for me, and I thought I was going to be one of the tragedies of addiction. I finally had a major wake up call, and decided I had wasted enough of my life, and started using sub properly and doing anything and everything I could to be in recovery.

I still feel really unmotivated, and have to really push myself to do things, especially things I don't want to do, even though I know it's important. I started with doing something every day that I really enjoyed and simple things like a new hair cut and color, getting a manicure and pedicure, and also started going to the gym again. I neglected all of these things when I was using. I couldn't believe how much better I felt when I started looking after myself, and looking the best that I can. Going back to the gym and exercising Made even a bigger difference. I also bought a new comforter set for my bedroom (that I used to live in while using) just to brighten it up and it felt so good to crawl in to nice new clean sheets.

I also had several renovation jobs in my house that have been left undone for years, so I have been working at getting these done. Every time I finish something, I feel really motivated to go one and finish the next project.

The hardest thing, like everyone else has mentioned is just getting motivated to getting started. For me though, the most important thing was looking after myself, looking my best and doing at least one thing every day that I really enjoy. It helps me to look forward to each day when I do that.

I laughed so hard at your mouse story. I would have reacted the exact same way. We live in a very old (over 150 years) house. I fell in love with the tin ceilings and all the awesome woodwork. It's been a major project though, and the renovations have taken twice the time and ten times the money that we originally thought. When I started using heavily, most of it stopped, so it's really nice to finally get things done.

I am glad to hear that you are doing things differently this time on sub. It's hard to step out of our comfort zone, and it sounds like you are going to be successful this time. i am happy that you are doing so well, and learning how to live without drugs.

Ginger


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