How should I taper Suboxone? How long should I be on Suboxone? Should I taper fast or slow? Can I dissolve Suboxone?
Sat Mar 10, 2018 8:34 am
OK. New here,
I've been up all night worrying AGAIN about detoxing again from Suboxone. I have countless nights, just like these where, I cannot stop worrying about it!! It's getting to the point where I'm making poor judgment calls because of it.
So, I'll try to make this as short as possible. I am currently on Suboxone 12 milligrams a day, which i think is too high for me. My anxiety has has gotten worse on on suboxone. It got worse the first time too I was on it too, but this time, it feels worse than before! I think its too high of a dose for me. However, my doctor wants me to be on 16 milligrams, so for the past 6 months, I find myself going up on my dose, instead of down. I should have listened to my gut and kept the dose way lower. The anxiety is one of the things that is making me want to quit suboxone treatment this time around. There are quite a few reasons I have to quit, but also, some reasons that may be worth staying on it a bit longer? Anyhow, before I get into my own little pro's and cons list, is I was on Suboxone from 2008 to to to 2012. At that point in my life, I have no other choice, other than die. I'll never forget how happy and grateful I was to have found Suboxone! Just the sheer joy that I didn't have to use again, and I also didn't have to die. My opiate addiction was so bad that if there is no possible way I could stay clean without it. So I suppose the side effects of the Sub, paled in comparison to the benefit. This time, I've actually managed to stay clean off everything for the last 3 years, with not touching opiates since my suboxone detox, which was over 5 years ago. That suboxone detox scared the living daylights outta me! In fact, i will say it one of the the best and worst experience in life that I am glad I went through it. It was esseintial to me growing as a person. I realized so much during that detox, however, it is is one of those experiences that you only need to go through once, and I am petrified of going through it again. If it weren't for the depression and anxiety, I wouldn't be afraid at all. I have always suffered bouts of depression, that totally went away throughout the four year period when I was on it. When it came back, I was shocked.I don't know why, as I had been deallng with it for so long.I should have known it was coming. Any how, I know that the fear of withdrawal is no reason to stay on a a medication, but I'm afraid that I will end up doing just that. Being too afraid to withdraw, and staying on it for longer than I really need to be.
I'm thinking now, even though I dread my depression coming back, would be a good time to to taper, or possibly just go off of it. I'm thinking now because if I stay on it for say, a year or more, but going to be too afraid to quit, and could get taken off it for reasons beyond my control. I've thought about it a lot, and if it was tough for me to come off it after 4 years, at at 16 milligrams, I should think after 6 months, 12 milligrams, it will hit me hard, but not as bad, right? I'm more concerned with the following months off Suboxone, not the first 3 to 4 weeks, which I know will be misrable. Maybe someone can can shed some light? Also, I have been thinking of just stopping all together when at least I have some preparation time. i'm terrified of coming off and not having anything for the anxiety.
If this were years ago when I first started Sub, I wouldn't care so much I had a great doctor, who also took my insurance. I recieved excellent care, which s a a lot more than what I have now with my new Suboxone doctor. I moved to another state about 7 years ago now, the first 2, of which I was on Sub. I called Suboxone doctors shortly after moving here, only to to find that there was no way I could afford them at that time. The lowest cost was 375. (Which happens to be my doctor now.) and that's only the doctor's visit, not including the cost of the prescription..
I was shocked to see doctors being able to do this, and well, surprised that many are so shameless to actually do it! The average cost of a suboxone doctor around here is 450, and you have to to jump through hoops to get it. I get it to a point, I really do. Bupe is strictly controlled around here, which while i understand, it's really making me want to go off it, for fear that one day I won't be able to jump through one of these hoops, and I will get taken off it.
For instance, I failed a drug screen, a few months back. It was horrible. I told my doctor the truth, and I really hadn't taken anything, and it was a a false positive. He sent it back to the lab, but only gave me a weeks worth of meds, and told me the results should be back in a week, and if I was telling the truth, I could get the other 3 weeks worth of meds if I hadn't been in fact, using benzos. However, if I had been using, I was not going to be be getting my Suboxone from him any longer, without first going to an inpatient rehab.That whole week, I was out of my mind with worry!!! I thought about every scenario there is, and then some, to think of how there are benzos in my system, and I was telling the truth! Says every addict, right? Turns out, it was a a false positive and the lab showed there was Bupe only in my system. I was so relieved I cried! But that week , I was such a wreck, and it made me think. It's a horrible feeling that someone has access to your greatest recovery tool, the one thing in life that without out it either certainly be dead, or wish I were dead.. It's just too much power. Too much power in something that could mean the difference if I can go to work the next day, something that could actually make or break me.. That's just too much power to give to a pill or, a strip. Especially, when it is so expensive, not knowing how I'm gonna get my next scripts or not, not knowing if my insurance will cover it for very much longer...
So here I am well over 5 years ago, to the place of hell that is opiate dependence. I've done it to myself. But I can't seem to crawl out of this one alone. I need some help, and my doctor is not helping me, I'm 100 percent sure of this. I am also growing resentful of him so adament to up my dose, when it's killing my anxiety ! Somehow, I need to to work this out. But staying up all night, worrying about all of this is not making things better. I am destroyed by worry these days, and I'm afraid to let it out, because my fear is that I'm going crazy, literally. For once my depression is gone, and I'm thankful for that, however, this constant worrying has to stop somehow..