It is currently Mon Aug 21, 2017 10:07 am



All times are UTC - 5 hours [ DST ]


Our Sponsors





Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 62 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4  Next
Author Message
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Oct 25, 2011 12:29 pm 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Wed Jun 17, 2009 9:59 pm
Posts: 993
Location: Carson City, Nevada
Lillyval wrote:
Thanks you guys, I feel a little better today. I'm back up to just plain old feeling lousy. I'm so fucking pissed at myself for ever getting on Sub. But I guess I'm not in a really good place to make a judgement, so I'll put of commenting further on that until I get through the worst of this.


This is an absolutely perfect example of my beef with Sub treatment. I think that if it takes a lot of patience, understanding, and guidance to get people onto Sub, then doctors need to understand it will take ten tons of the same stuff to get people comfortably off it. It is no joke to get off Suboxone. I really don't think most people get it until they go through it. It sucks to get to the end of Sub treatment and regret it. Something has to be done to change that.

Lilly, the reason you are feeling this maddening desire to take more, which reminds you of the cycle of active addiction, is because you've made yourself feel crappy by going too fast and jumping too high. Is it REALLY worth it? Is it even an option in your mind to start taking 1/8 and allow yourself the time to adjust to it and feel better before dropping again and then gracefully stepping off? It really doesn't have to be this hard! If you go slowly enough that you don't feel bad, you won't feel that drive to take more Sub. ((HUGS))

laddertipper

_________________
First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you. ~F. Scott Fitzgerald


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Oct 25, 2011 3:03 pm 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Sat Jan 01, 2011 12:59 pm
Posts: 1039
I really appreciate what both of you have said. You're right about not looking back , Mel. If I'm gonna go back and regret the last 2 years then I might as well go back and regret the previous 4-5 years of opiate use and abuse, and if I'm going to do that I might as well go back and regret all the drug abuse I've subjected myself and my family to going all the way back to when I was 14. So, yeah, it's a downward spiral, and there's nothing I can do about any of that right now. I have to accept that I am a sick individual and have been for a very long time. But I only have today to deal with.

As far as the tapering, I actually went back on 0.25mg after I had been off for 3 days but I felt just a bad as on zero. Then I went back up to 0.5mg and I could "feel" my dose, but not in a good way. I really wish I could have tapered down to something like 0.125mg but I just felt like since I felt like shit every day anyway I might as well be off. I know that's just me, but I just hit some kind of threshold and it was all over.

Don't worry about the alcohol, that experience reminded me of why I have always hated it so much. And I think Substation was right, I think the low I hit yesterday was a direct result of it. I think the Xanax is bad for my depression, too. I've been taking it because my days are so miserable that I'm terrified of being up all night. But last night I didn't take it, and I slept almost through the night, so for me that's a sign I'm getting better.

Thanks for all the support, no one out here in the real world has a clue WTH I'm going through - and that really makes it harder.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Oct 25, 2011 4:34 pm 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Wed Jun 17, 2009 9:59 pm
Posts: 993
Location: Carson City, Nevada
Well, it sounds like if the alcohol made the day worse, then you know what you need to avoid. Of course, you can do this! You are at the very tail end of it, Lilly. Personally, I despise xanax. It makes me feel so weird and then very dark when it wears off. If you need something to sleep, get some Ambien. It's like magic. Of course, then you have to get off that, but if you only take it a short while, it's really no biggie.

Good luck! Keep your head up because you are *nearly there*.

laddertipper

_________________
First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you. ~F. Scott Fitzgerald


Top
 Profile  
 
Our Sponsors
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Oct 25, 2011 7:52 pm 
Offline
Super Poster
Super Poster
User avatar

Joined: Sat Dec 18, 2010 7:54 pm
Posts: 107
I can totally 100% relate to what you said about no one in the real world knowing what you’re going through. I was in the same exact boat. There is only one person that knows I was on suboxone and that person really didn’t know what suboxone was. I guess because I hid my addiction pretty well (at least I thought) that I figured people wouldn’t understand. So I totally understand what you’re going through right now. That’s why I have to thank everyone on this forum for helping me, without them I’m not sure I would be where I am. Just keep on posting because we DO know what’s going on and fully understand.

I think you’re doing an excellent job with everything considered. Don’t make any big decisions right now and remember this is only temporary! :D


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2011 3:55 am 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Thu Jul 15, 2010 5:08 am
Posts: 1503
Lilly, you gotta understand how well you are actually going!

I know it's really hard, but if you can really try to remind yourself constantly that all these emotions, the tears, the sadness, the mood swings, are all a part of the withdrawal process. You are still on a very low dose, a dose that can take a while to adjust to.

Don't despair! You are probably in one of the most difficult stages of a taper. You are standing there right in front of this massive brick wall, thinking "how the (*@( am I going to climb this thing". It can seem really daunting, but try to do a rational appraisal, or get some kind of plan going. Eventually you will need to give up your security blanket if you want to "grow up", if you get the metaphor.

I highly recommend sitting down and writing up a plan for your final stages of taper. It would probably be a good idea to not set yourself any "dates" or "time limits" to adhere to. Just set yourself a few goals - ie 1) Stabilise on 0.5mg, waiting until withdrawal symptoms stabilise and stop getting "worse". 2) Ask doctor if I can be switched to Subutex 3) Stabilise on the 0.4mg Subutex pills . 5) Stabilise on 0.2 mg (half a pill) Subutex each day. 6) Take 0.2 mg Subutex every two days. 7) Jump off!

You will get withdrawal symptoms all throughout the process. The benefits of tapering is it spreads the withdrawal over a much longer period, so instead of a quick intense detox you get a dragged out, much milder detox.

Also understand that the better discipline you manage to carry in the process, the better footing you will be in to prevent relapse in the long term. IMO people who successfully taper down low, and have the discipline, persistence and maturity, often prove they have the qualities to get a healthy long term recovery. Keep that in mind!

You can do it. Believe it or not, but withdrawal is "all in the brain". Withdrawal is definitely real, I'm not doubting that. But all these withdrawal symptoms originate in the brain, and we all have at least a degree of control over what goes on up there. Telling ones self it's "not that bad" when it feels like the world's coming to an end often does have an impact on how much we suffer.

I do agree that we should be made more aware of the difficult tapering process before we "sign up". It's also shocking how much official information is out there about induction onto Suboxone, and nearly zero information about tapering and withdrawal. There is also so much technology out there that can benefit tapering, like buprenorphine implants, or patches, and depot injection.

I suggest you ask your doctor about switching to Subutex. My doctor said that when we get down to extremely low doses in a taper it's good to not have the naloxone in the equation. Also ask about buprenorphine patches! I highly recommend checking them out as they provide an even dose over multiple days, in amounts only slightly lower than you take now. And if he says yes, let us know how you go!

T


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2011 7:25 am 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Sat Jan 01, 2011 12:59 pm
Posts: 1039
I know this thread has been confusing because I went off for 3 days, back on and then off again. But just to make it official: I will be 72 hours TOTALLY OFF at 10:00 this morning, and I feel like I'm really doing it this time! I went to sleep last night with no Xanax, but I woke up at some point early in the night with that indescribable nerve feeling which I can not endure. So I dissolved an Ativan under my tongue. It worked and I woke up feeling better than with the xanax.

I know a lot of people have guilt about their addiction at this point in WD, but I have terrible guilt about what I've put my kids through just during the WD. At one point I went into such a rage that I ripped a phone off the wall and smashed it to pieces on the floor. My eight y.o. daughter was terrified, and when I saw the look on her face I wanted to die, because that's how terrified I was growing up and I promised I'd never do that to my kids. Now I'm crying again just thinking about it, and I have to get her off to school. More later.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Praying for you!!!
PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2011 7:56 am 
Offline
6 Months or More
6 Months or More
User avatar

Joined: Tue Sep 20, 2011 9:31 pm
Posts: 182
Lilly, dont think I've posted to your thread yet but i've been following it. I just had to drop in after reading your post and tell you it will be ok. The things we put our children through is terrible but if we can be just aliitle better to them then what our parents were. Our kids love us and they know your going though something and they love you no matter what. You will get through this and just think what your going through is better then raising them in addiction for ever.
I know the guilt of raising my boys in the crazy life of addiction. Now my daughter is 8 and she has been through alot also but I have to tell myself today will be better then yesterday and it is, I still fall short somedays but it is ok. I am human and I am trying. Keep your head up and look at the prize.
Be Blessed
mel

_________________
Dreams are only Dreams unless you persue them


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2011 9:07 am 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Thu Jul 15, 2010 5:08 am
Posts: 1503
Wow Lilly that is really huge. 72 hours. Some time over the next couple of days you'll be in detox "hump day". It's the day where you officially start to notice things are getting a bit easier. And it's a liberating feeling, knowing that it's only up from here. What a weight off one's shoulders! When I did Suboxone detoxes, I'd always jump off doses on and above 6mg, and those withdrawals were 12 days of hell. But you tapered so low, I doubt you will be feeling bad for that long.

Try not to worry too much about what happened with the phone, and remember that you're still viewing your own actions through the harsh judgement of opiate withdrawals. Also, it sounds like one of those things that a child comes to understand and forgive as they grow up, and one of those things that is easily forgotten with a bit of affection. Have you talked to her and told her that you will be feeling a bit ill for a short while?


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2011 11:24 am 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Wed Jun 17, 2009 9:59 pm
Posts: 993
Location: Carson City, Nevada
Lillyval wrote:
I know this thread has been confusing because I went off for 3 days, back on and then off again. But just to make it official: I will be 72 hours TOTALLY OFF at 10:00 this morning, and I feel like I'm really doing it this time! I went to sleep last night with no Xanax, but I woke up at some point early in the night with that indescribable nerve feeling which I can not endure. So I dissolved an Ativan under my tongue. It worked and I woke up feeling better than with the xanax.

I know a lot of people have guilt about their addiction at this point in WD, but I have terrible guilt about what I've put my kids through just during the WD. At one point I went into such a rage that I ripped a phone off the wall and smashed it to pieces on the floor. My eight y.o. daughter was terrified, and when I saw the look on her face I wanted to die, because that's how terrified I was growing up and I promised I'd never do that to my kids. Now I'm crying again just thinking about it, and I have to get her off to school. More later.


Dang, Lilly, I could have written that. My BFF and I went through the rage thing when we were going off Sub. I started locking myself in my closet when I felt super mad because it was like a snowball. A number of other people have told me about getting absolutely crazy mad while jumping. This goes away very quickly. I promise. You really are nearly there. After a week, things will be much better. You are sleeping already, which is a great sign. You've got FIVE DAYS under your belt. That is HUGE!!!! This is nearly over. Don't beat yourself up. Getting off Sub turns your brain haywire and it is not your fault. All you can do it your best. YOU did not rip the phone; 'Getting-off-Sub-You' ripped the phone. You never have to go through any of this again. This is IT. It is nearly completely over and done and put away. Forgive yourself, because you are a sweetheart or you wouldn't feel bad. Do the best you can today. ((HUGS)) I know happiness is right around the corner for you and I look forward to hearing about it.

laddertipper

_________________
First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you. ~F. Scott Fitzgerald


Top
 Profile  
 
   
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2011 1:41 pm 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Mon Oct 10, 2011 10:04 pm
Posts: 421
Location: California, San Diego
Hi Lillyval, I too have been following your thread and I am so happy that you are shareing your experience. It is so encouraging. Obviously you love your kids and even though you feel like youre kiddos are taking the brunt, I believe they understand more than you know. 72 hrs. off sub is HUGE progress. You seem to have a great mindset. You are DOING IT! That must feel really wonderful. I feel for every single person on here and definately relate to you being a mom and suffering w/ guilt. Being a parent is hard for anybody let alone someone in your situation. Just know you are getting better day by day. Keep your head up Mamas and keep moving forward. You are doing GREAT and you are an inspiration to me. Thank you so much.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2011 4:25 pm 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Sat Jan 01, 2011 12:59 pm
Posts: 1039
Thanks for your reassurance everybody. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who went through the rage thing. I left out of my previous post that I went to the bar because I was in a rage at my husband. I was in bed, but my adrenaline was pumping so hard that I felt like superman (angry superman).
I also cry over nothing and everything. I can't even watch the news anymore. Today I went out to give out food for Foodshare. I was fighting back tears because and I didn't want to arrive there a total mess like I did last time. I have to say it got me out of myself pretty quick. Then the Mom of the little boy who died two weeks ago (another thread) came through the line and I knew I needed to be there to support HER. She's in recovery, too, and really struggling.
Afterward I went out with friends and was actually laughing and having a good time. So I just feel like I'm going to make it this time. I keep remembering what someone else here said about their detox....whether your purging, sweating crying or what have you, it's the toxins leaving your body. So no matter what is happening, even if it's bad, I'm just holding on to the fact that the Sub and it's metabolites are leaving my body for good.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2011 10:23 pm 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Mon Oct 10, 2011 10:04 pm
Posts: 421
Location: California, San Diego
I too, am an emotional wreck and I am still on sub (although tapering) Wow! A mom and a wife. You really do have a lot on your plate. Still, you seem to be DOING IT! And that is wonderful.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2011 11:38 pm 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Thu Jul 15, 2010 5:08 am
Posts: 1503
Hehe Lilly. I hear you. The treatment I'm on at the moment has a side-effect they call "Thoughts of homicide". :lol: I got a license to kill!


Top
 Profile  
 
   
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2011 10:23 am 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Sat Jan 01, 2011 12:59 pm
Posts: 1039
I'm finding this hard to believe, but I'm well into day four and I feel OK. Really OK. I know this process has it's ups and downs, so I'm not going to assume it's smooth sailing from here, but I have to say I feel surprisingly decent.

It wasn't my plan, but I'm thinking that going off rather abruptly for three days and then going on ~0.5mg for a couple of weeks was what it took to get two years of stacked up Sub out of my body.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2011 12:29 pm 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Mon Oct 10, 2011 10:04 pm
Posts: 421
Location: California, San Diego
YAAAY ! YES! That a girl. You are doing so fantastic. I have tears of joy for you..
(joy & a bit of WD. lol)
I cant believe how fast time is flying. I am sure it seems to be dragging on and on for some, but 4 days off sub. ALREADY. Good for you! Lillyval~ YOU ARE DOING IT!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2011 12:37 pm 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Thu Jul 21, 2011 10:43 am
Posts: 893
Location: AZ
I am just going to say I 2nd sweet16's post. As my 5 year old would say, your kicking butt and taking names! Keep up the good work!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Oct 28, 2011 1:57 pm 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Sat Jan 01, 2011 12:59 pm
Posts: 1039
I feel like it's safe to say I DID IT! I've been off for 5 days and I feel pretty close to normal. I'm sleeping, I don't feel sick, I don't feel like I "need" medication. I still tire pretty easily and my bowels haven't decided what they're going to do yet - but this is much better than I expected to be at this point!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Oct 28, 2011 3:37 pm 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Thu Jul 21, 2011 10:43 am
Posts: 893
Location: AZ
Yay girl! You got this in the bag! Besides out of nowhere having a seemingly endless supply of sub thrown at you, you stayed determined and did it. You should be Damn proud of yourself! Thanks for sharing your experience, your strength is truly inspiring!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Oct 28, 2011 10:52 pm 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Mon Oct 10, 2011 10:04 pm
Posts: 421
Location: California, San Diego
REALLY 5 days. This sounds so wonderful. You sound great! So truely happy for you. It is a good day


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Great job!
PostPosted: Sat Oct 29, 2011 11:37 am 
Offline
Average Poster
Average Poster

Joined: Wed Feb 24, 2010 5:17 pm
Posts: 25
Great job Lily. You can do this. I'm on day 17 myself. We can do this...


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 62 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4  Next

All times are UTC - 5 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Our Sponsors
Suboxone Forum latest topics RSS feed Subscribe to the entire forum
 

 

 
Fond Du Lac Psychiatry
Dr. Jeffrey Junig, M.D., Ph.D.

  • Board Certified Psychiatrist
  • Asst Clinical Professor, Medical College of Wisconsin

Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group