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PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 5:51 pm 
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Well it has been 3 days and 6 hours since I've taken my last 1 mg. dose of suboxone. I was on 16mg. A day for a good 2.5 years following my OC arrest. I started my taper approximately 8 months ago until I got to the amount of 2mg. A day which I was on for about a month before I made the leap of faith to zero a few days ago.

Day one: I took my last 1mg. dose Friday morning at about 9am, Saturday morning was when the WD's really set in and I had a 10 hour work day to deal with. I managed to make it through that shift by the skin of my teeth. That night at home was extremely rough and all the WDs hit me head on. I got approximately 2 hours of sleep and there was a lot of yelling and wall banging involved. The clonidine and soma didnt seem to help much. I had a few Xanax that I really didn't want to resort to but I did anyway, I felt I had no choice. It helped marginally.

Day two: The timing was a bit off for this plan as I had a table tennis tournament that I was determined to play. After only an hour or two of sleep and no food in me because I couldn't eat, I managed to play and I actually played not terribly as I thought I would. The day was rough, the clonidine seemed to help a lot with some of the symptoms but I had almost no energy. I got home around 6pm and still couldn't eat. I actually slept approximately 10 hrs that
night with the help of 1mg of Xanax. Though the sleep was very on again and off again I was thankful to have it.

Day three: I woke up at about 7am because my back hurt so much from tossing and turning and twisting, though again I was thankful for the sleep I did get. Today, which is day three, hasn't been unbearable as far as the WDs go, but still have zero energy and motivation, I was able to manage a shower and a quick trip to school to talk to an advisor. I had other errands to do but I just had to get home because I couldn't carry myself anymore. The pain is manageable today but I know I wouldn't be able to work if I had to. Today is Monday and I need to go back to work Thursday I am hoping this will be possible. I am also going to try and go the rest of the day without clonidine or Soma or benzos.

I was really hoping to taper below 2mg but i wasnt able to in time for my planned 4 day 'vacation' from work. I am really hoping that I am thru the worst of the battle because I don't know how much more I can take. I am patiently awaiting that light at the end of the tunnel.


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 6:23 pm 
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P.s. Some of my emotions and such have been returning which has been nice. I've laughed like I never laughed before and I swear to God I cried for like 3 seconds while watching this chic flick today, it's been nice having those normal ups and downs return rather than the usual monotone feelings, or the lack thereof.


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 6:40 pm 
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I'm sorry to hear you couldn't taper down lower before jumping off. But, it is what it is now. I hope you get to feeling better soon. I'm curious though, why is it that you don't want to take the clonidine? It's the gold standard in treating opiate withdrawal. Clonidine is thought to suppress certain brain activity that causes the withdrawal symptoms. (From http://archives.drugabuse.gov/PDF/Persp ... urobio.pdf: [...clonidine may help to suppress the excessive NA output that is a primary cause of withdrawal (Kosten, 1990)].)

One more thing...I've heard people talk about their "feelings returning" when they quit suboxone. But I have to wonder if those more intense feelings are the result of the withdrawals. It plays havoc on one's body, I believe it stands to reason that it also plays havoc on one's emotions. The people I know who tapered very low and very slow have said that their emotions were the very same on suboxone as well as off suboxone. Just something I wanted to mention.

Hang in there and keep us posted on how you're doing.

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PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 6:58 pm 
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Congratulations,

You have taken a big step. I know how damn scary not knowing how this will end, when this will end is for you, but withdrawal being so individual makes it very[sup]2[/sup] hard to give you a roadmap forward. I know I would have given my right arm to know what tomorrow was going to be like early on in my withdrawal. I can tell you it should get a little better day by day. You are still very early in your wd so just hang on tight, keep active the best you can and try giving the clonidine another shot.

We're pulling for you!


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 16, 2010 1:19 pm 
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Thanks for the input everyone. It is day 4 now and I got today off and Tommorow then back to work Thursday so I am praying that I will be in some better condition then. My buddy dragged (literally) me outta my house last night and took me to the bar to have some drinks. It went okay I think, though I couldn't even hold much energy to shoot pool. I only got about 5 hours sleep last night and wish I could sleep now but not likely.

I am back on the clonidine but only once a day rather than the three as prescribed. I don't feel terrible today, the pain is manageable, but I feel like I have two broke ass stubs where my legs used to be cuz they don't seem to work very well anymore. I was able to play 5 games of table tennis with my dad yesterday so I guess I got some exercise in but it really wasn't easy and that is a game I have passion for. It's about noon today and I am getting ready to hop in the shower and hopefully do some errands and get semi-productive.

In response to the emotions deal, this was one of the main factors that made me determined to get off the subs. I felt like everything was monotone while on the subs. I wrote myself a list of reasons why I needed to continue the fight for when this time came and I would surely try and rAtionalize getting back on the subs. You will never fall in love, you will never laugh, you will never truly be motivated, were some of the reasons. I felt like I was still an active drug addict while on subs and knew the time was now to do something about it. Wish me luck!


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 16, 2010 1:32 pm 
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Wow, I'm really sorry to hear you feel that way. I continue to love the people in my life as well as love new people in my life, I'm motivated, and I laugh (and cry) all the time. Normal human emotions. And aside from our shit financial situation, I'm happier now than I've ever been. Being in active addiction was when i didn't have all those things. But I do thank you and respect you for saying this is how YOU feel instead of generalizing it to everyone. I hope you get to feeling better soon.

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-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 16, 2010 3:00 pm 
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Wow, I have a lot of respect for you, man. You are hanging in there and I know you probably aren't feeling that great. The best thing is that it will end. It absolutely will. I've read some posters who say that going back to work in w/d actually helped them because it took their mind off it and they were doing something to pass the time. Of course, it's easy for me to type that when I'm not feeling too badly. Still, it's easy to focus on only the yuckiness when you are doing nothing but sitting at home. Imagine yourself as a warrior who is winning a battle. I read another poster who said to 'embrace' the pain and the sleeplessness and all that. It sounds corny, but it made me think I should perhaps try to see it that way instead of freaking out over it.

hatmaker, that's nice to hear someone say the thing about still feeling. I've been reading over and over how I've been numbing my emotions over the past 5 years. I've kinda accepted that it must be true and that makes me SAD!! It means I've missed 5 years of my kids' lives! So, maybe I haven't. I do still feel things. The only time I stabilized on a low Sub dose (2 mg), I did feel like emotions were sharper, both happy and sad, and it felt really god, but I think maybe I've been over-emphasizing the numbness thing.

When I blazed down off Sub the last time and lost my mind, I believed I was truly feeling things again. I remember watching Benjamin Button and I cried from 5 min. in all the way until the end. Then I watched Into the Wild and cried alllll the way through it. My daughter just kept saying, "What is wrong with you?! It's not even a sad part yet!" I thought I was 'feeling' things, but I was actually losing my marbles :roll:

laddertipper


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 16, 2010 3:19 pm 
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Hatmaker, I think it's absolutely wonderful that you still have control of all the normal emotions n such, I'm jealous! Like I said, that was one of the main factors in deciding to take on this battle. But as you know, these meds affect everyone differently so I guess I'm the one getting hit with the ugly stick! But I am happy for you in being at peace with it.

Laddertipper, may I ask where you are at currently with your sub situation and any plans you have with it? It seems we sorta share some of the same feelings about sub and either we are right or we are damn crazy! Probably the latter, but hey whatever works right.

Well two hours ago I posted that I was showering and going out into the world. Two hours later and I have had the shower running for about 10 minutes as I type this all out on my iPhone which is annoying. All because my neighbor must not have paid his internet bill because I have been unable to "borrow" his connection for a few days now! Maybe I should go knock on his door and tell him to quit being a bum and pay his bill so I can continue to steal his Internet!!

---Scottie
4 days 5 hrs and 18 min down, one lifetime to go! But hey who's counting.


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 16, 2010 3:23 pm 
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I wrote myself a list of things I didn't like to help keep me focused too. It did help.

I wanted to mention to be careful about blaming things on Suboxone because in my experience it became my scapegoat to some degree. It got to the point where if the neighbors dog came over and crapped on my lawn it was Suboxones fault :), obvious exageration, but you get the point.

Even in recovery, I started blaming everything on recovery. Some of my issues were simply due to the fact that I was getting older, some of the issues I had since I was very young...but it was easier to blame something, so why not Suboxone or the recovery from it.

I may be totally off base as far as your issues go, but I just wanted you to be aware of what happened to me.

Stay strong and keep moving forward!


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 Post subject: LOL, Romeo
PostPosted: Tue Nov 16, 2010 3:37 pm 
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The dog crapping on your lawn :lol:

But what you said is so true. Sub is easy to blame. And if you spend enough time online reading how horrible and evil it is, it's even easier to start blaming it. Certainly not good because blaming stuff never helps solve our problems, does it?

laddertipper


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 16, 2010 9:44 pm 
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I am so happy for you. You are doing fine. I jumped at 4mgs on Oct 7th, so I am over a month clean now. My energy level took a while to come back, its still coming back. But literally everyday I noticed a difference. The emotions you are feeling is what I felt too. I laughed while on suboxone sure, but not the side splitting, tears rolling down your face laughter. My w/d's were very mild, like a cold, but my back felt like it was breaking. But back pain was always the source of pain for me anyways. My doctor told me that our addicted brains would "produce" pain, and that it would be nearly impossible to determine if it was real pain or just the body trying to get more medication. Whether that is true I don't know, but I am inclined to believe it. Plus, if you tell yourself that, it makes it easier to deal with it. Don't feel bad if you have to call it a night early, or lay on the couch and not do anything. It is okay for you to get better, just think of it as a flu bug & let your body repair itself. You have made it to day 4, if things are getting better by the day, then you know its only going to continue to get better. In a week from now you, feel feel so much better than today. Also, if you can, this weekend force yourself to go somewhere that will keep you busy. The busier I was, the better I felt. Think about what you would have felt like on day 3 while withdrawaling off the other crap, it would be much worse, am I right? Good luck, you can do this!
Linds


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 17, 2010 9:46 pm 
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Day 5.5: This morning was awake at about 7am just like the last few days. What I wouldn't give for a good night sleep... Tossed and turned and soar ass back as usual this week, no biggie though. Last night and this morning though I thought I was takin a turn for the worse cuz I felt shittier than the last couple days. I remember last night helping my dad tile his bathroom for 20 min and having to lay down afterwards cuz I thought I was dying. I hadn't taken any of the soma so that prolly didn't help matters.

Today was the same in the morning and couldn't move and felt like hell, possibly the worse yet. Luckily, my buddy called and asked me to meet him at the local college to play table tennis. I thought this was my opportunity to get some movement going and I ended up playing 3 hours with almost no problem!! I was elated. Some might not think that that is a workout but when you're playing the son of an olympic table tennis player, you could imagine he worked me like a treadmill! It's almost 9:00 and I'm still feeling reasonably well so
I'm hoping I can sleep tonight without the ambien or Xanax. See ya in the am!!

--Scottie


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 18, 2010 3:53 pm 
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Just an update, day 6 is going fantastic. Alright I was lying. Slept bout 4 hours last night then actually napped for an hour or two this afternoon. And I didn't take anything last night to sleep which is good. I was worried that after 4 days in a row with either ambien or Xanax that I would become dependent. Last night went ok so I think I'm safe as far as that goes. Same deal today, cold sweats and crazy legs but it seems it might be a fraction of a percent better today.

Today is my last day off and back to work Tommorow so wish me luck!


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 18, 2010 4:17 pm 
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Congratulations on 6 days!!!!

Good job on skipping a day as far as the Xanax and Ambien go. You don't want to get hooked on Xanax that's for sure!!

Cold sweats and crazy legs are a part of the recovery process, as you surely know. To me it was proof positive I was getting better. I know it sucks, but it will improve.

Hang in there.


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 19, 2010 7:40 am 
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Thanks Romeo I know it's a slow process. But hey, slow progress is better than no progress right? Alright day 7 has just begun which can mean only one thing, back to work.


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 25, 2010 1:15 pm 
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Day 13: Looking forward to my first Thanksgiving clean as a whistle! Feeling pretty good the last couple days. When staying busy the day feels good, sleep has still been an issue but I think it's coming around slowly. Every day seems marginally better than the day prior so I am thankful for that. A few lingering minor symptoms but overall am feeling pretty good!


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 25, 2010 2:11 pm 
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Day 13, Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's great to hear from you again and that you are doing well!

It's my understanding that for a lot of us who choose to quit opiates, sleep is one of the last things to return to normal.

So glad to hear you are doing well, stay strong.


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 25, 2010 4:22 pm 
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Congrats indeed. I can't wait til I'm at day 13. The days go by so damn slow!


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2010 8:33 pm 
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Hey I just wanted to say, I have been following your post, and am proud of you. The side effects of suboxone are very real, it dulls the emotions and passions like no other. Tons upon tons of people have said this, and like you, is the reason I want off suboxone. I'm at .4, and am jumping soon. It fact the side effects are the main reason I want off. No motivation like you said, and oh yea music is so dull on sub, but comes back. You are feeling withdrawl, but you are also feeling emotions and feeling that have been trapped under the hold of sub. I am glad you are coming out of the fuz, and are experiencing feelings again, that is what Im dying for. Dont let anyone tell you the side effects arent real, because they are very real, and very serious. SO I am so happy for you, and will be following your progress to come out of the dark cloud that is sub! So great to read


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2010 9:38 pm 
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Raider, thank you that meant a lot to me and I'm grateful for your support. Today is day 21 and as a whole I feel pretty good. I've actually gotten good sleep the past few nights thanks to the Dr. recommendation of melatonin. I've had some ambien which helped zero. He says melatonin is safe to take for a while and I highly recommend it for help sleeping cuz you're gonna need it! The only thing that's still killing me is my energy. I feel like I have a 100 year old body, and I'm only 23 years old in relatively good health!

I made the jump from 2mg, you're at .4mg and that's great hopefully that'll be of some benefit. Best advice I can give you, is have a plan in place. Make sure you have at least a week of little to no responsibility if possible. This is most definitely doable for you and like you said, the dullness and lack of passion was my biggest motivator. You'll do great, keep me posted, and lemme know if I can help in any way!!


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