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 Post subject: Re: life after suboxone
PostPosted: Thu Apr 16, 2015 11:43 pm 
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DAY 24
All of my energy has returned, although I'm sure I'm going to have a tired day every now and then. That's just life...

Not sure about sleep because I have ambien and it works great.

Anyone out there who is losing hope that it will ever get any better.... Don't worry ,it takes time and lots of it.

Hang in there!


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 Post subject: Re: life after suboxone
PostPosted: Fri Apr 17, 2015 1:38 am 
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tfisher wrote:
Crystal,
Thank you sooo much for writing such a nice post to me. I started posting to this forum with the intention of keeping a documentation for myself during the taper/jump. Then if I ever forgot how far I've come, or started thinking that I'm not tough or strong enough to stay clean, then I could look back and read exactly how I was feeling. And also see how far I had come.

In the meantime though, I ended up learning a lot about others and find that we all struggle the same, we all think about the same things, and we all can register to each other in ways that only addicts could understand.

I ended up finding one of the most supportive times of my life through the love and compassion of the amazing people here.

I'm learning that addicts really are some of the most empathetic and intelligent people I've ever "met". That in itself has allowed me to forgive myself for my flaws and to move on from my past. It makes me realize that I am NOT a special or unique case, and that we are all truly cut from the same cloth as we face this same struggle we have somewhere deep inside of each and every one of us.

I felt that even if posting here helped one person (even if that person was only me) then it would all be worth it. So to read your post and all of the touching things you said, to know you have read some of what I write... That someone who was there reading some of the strangest hours of my life... where my brain was being backwards mindfucked hard while my body was being hijacked just right on the brink of pain, just enough to cause loooong drawn out melancholy pain and sadness.

And after all that to hear you tell me I am "well respected".... Brings a tear to my eye in the best way possible.


Crystal you have no clue how much you and the rest of the group here....bad kitty, sherah, jennjenn, morphing, rule, Amy, Q, evolved revolver, tiki, snake god... I know I'm probably leaving someone out but not intentional. I can't even name that many people in real life who have given so much in a time where they really don't have much to give off themselves, as everyone is fighting their own battle.

I have so much hope for the future, hope for ALL of us here...and so much respect and support for you all who have helped me get through the first part of all of this. The fact that we are all here and sharing and supporting one another makes me believe that we will all continue to succeed in recovery. And ALL types of recovery are fantastic. No matter which road we go down.

Thanks again and lots of love.


Fish- OK, now you made ME cry!!! I CANT DEALLL! hahaa. You clearly have such a kind heart and a wonderful spirit, just like so many of us in this community. It's so wonderful to come here and not feel like a failure or like you are somehow 'messed up' because I struggle with this awful disease. My boyfriend, who I own a house with and have been together with for 5+ years, doesn't understand any of this and it makes my situation pretty difficult, considering he should be one of my biggest support systems. He sees addiction as a choice, and that it's my own fault, which sucks. I have tried explaining it to him, but he also has a stubborn nature so...I just gave up and we don't talk about it at all. Anytime something comes up around addiction I refuse to discuss it any further because it makes me SO upset and enraged because that mindset is SO ignorant. Blahhhh! I'm just hoping, over time, the stigma will slowly turn around for the better.

Until then, we have each other...which I'm very grateful for. :)

Xo

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"He will cover you with his feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge" - Psalm 91:4
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 Post subject: Re: life after suboxone
PostPosted: Fri Apr 17, 2015 7:29 pm 
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Hey Fishy,

I was happy to see your very positive updates upon my return to the forum. :D You made it through a difficult time, but it definitely seems like you are through the worst of it and on to the good stuff.

I just wanted to congratulate you on your success and let you know I was proud of you.

Q

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 Post subject: Re: life after suboxone
PostPosted: Sat Apr 18, 2015 12:26 am 
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DAY 25

Q, welcome back! I had noticed you were away and am happy to see you back! Hope your time away served you well, and thank you so much for the post and kind words and especially for caring enough to check on me.

Yesssss I made it to day 25, something I would've never thought possible. I have had the week to myself (well just me and my dog!) and I think it did me some good to be alone.

Made me appreciate how nice it is to have my husband home and can't wait to see him tomorrow night. I'm hoping that Sunday we can take a nice drive with the canine to the mountains and go for a walkabout.

Anyway I wanted to say that my heavy grumpy awful mood has finally finally left me. I don't feel it there in the background like I had been. Maybe I just got tired of walking around like that, or maybe that's just more of my brain healing. I'm not sure. But I'll take it!

I will be at 4 weeks on Monday... That's ONE WHOLE MONTH. I'll update for sure Monday but I can agonist definitely say for sure that for me, it took the better part of three weeks, pretty darn close to a month to start feeling actually good again. Or feeling "normal" to where I can handle my emotions and my feelings and my energy returned without anxiety and my stomach is back to normal functioning and my appetite is consistent. Finally got a real menstrusl cycle today too, complete with cramps bloating all the fun symptoms. Haven't had a full blown real one in months and months and months. So I'll update for site at 4 weeks....

Life is not perfect by any means but I am happyish. Just content to not be feeling like total crap from the jump now.


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 Post subject: Re: life after suboxone
PostPosted: Sat Apr 18, 2015 9:03 pm 
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DAY 26
quite a few cravings or drug thoughts coming in and out through my mind today... But I just KNOW I don't want to go back down that path and I KNOW I don't want to be back on suboxone also.

The freedom of not being dependent on a medication is really liberating. I will fully admit to that. And I'm glad i put the days together and went through the whole detox thing to learn more about myself and suboxone and my addiction and everything else. An experience I wouldn't trade for the world... to be free from that feeling of dependency.

However, sometimes the feeling of what it used to feel to be high off pills... The nostalgic feeling that I know exists not for reals but in the fantasies of my perception. But The feeling like the dragon is long long gone and so far away I don't even know where to try and find him, let alone chase that mutherfuggger....

Time to start doing some real work on my life now that im not sick anymore.


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 Post subject: Re: life after suboxone
PostPosted: Sun Apr 19, 2015 12:01 pm 
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DAY 27
tomorrow I get to count 4 weeks off sub. Although I am feeling better, I just read something real sad on the forum about a member relapsing and the recent loss of two of his friends to overdose. This made me really sad to think about. Sad for the guy but also sad just thinking about the chronic and deadly manner of opiate addiction.

Im so thankful for suboxone as an option. To those who are doing well on suboxone and can stand the way it makes them feel...if you are stable and tolerating the side effects, please seriously consider to stay on it. It saves lives.

Personally at this point I do not want to go back on suboxone because I have the tolerance to it out of my system. I really dont want to go through induction (since Im not in WD and have no opiate in my system) and really don't want to be dependent on medication at this point. I thought about it though and wondered, if I were to relapse would I go back to find a doctor? If it was a one time thing and I was able to recover right away and get back on track I don't think I would. However I think I would definitely reconsider if I find myself using or obsessing over using again soon after the relapse. I guess that's just it... No one really plans for or predicts the nature of the relapse.

Getting on suboxone is a huge deal. One that I know I didn't take seriously enough when I was inducted. This is why I say, if you are stable and happy STAY THERE. It will save you from ever being in that situation.


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 Post subject: Re: life after suboxone
PostPosted: Sun Apr 19, 2015 1:26 pm 
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Sometimes a slip can be a great learning experience, especially if it teaches you how vulnerable you are to your addiction. A slip isn't a relapse in my opinion, but it puts caution into our heads, helps us learn our triggers. It's great if you manage not to slip, but it's not totally realistic to assume that you won't. (When I say "you" I'm talking to all of us, not just to Fishy.)

Amy

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 Post subject: Re: life after suboxone
PostPosted: Sun Apr 19, 2015 9:01 pm 
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Fishy

I am really impressed with how quickly you got your energy back and had only a few days of being irritable. If i remember correctly you had several years of using opiates then sub. Really Amazing thread to follow.

For me, at 4 weeks after i tapered off SAO's I was miserable! Depressed, anxious, in pain and craving both mental & physical relief. I went back to SAO's thinking i could control it but of course i couldn't so another couple years of using and then i went on suboxone. I couldn't deal with the dark depression and thought by 4 weeks the rebound pain should have gone down a notch or two but it hadn't.

So i am really impressed that you are doing so well. I am really considering tapering off the sub.

Thank you for this(and the other) thread. I am all ears (or eyes :lol: )


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 Post subject: Re: life after suboxone
PostPosted: Mon Apr 20, 2015 9:11 pm 
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DAY 28... FOUR WEEKS OFF

I thought about something today: if a person were to enroll in an inpatient rehab facility... They would just be getting to go home today. Or if they were in a 60 or 90 day program they would still have 2x or 3x the amount of days until they resumed normal life.

Maybe it's different though since I was clean enough from my drug(s) of choice for 18 months while on suboxone, and never abused my suboxone during that time either. In just using it as a point to say that I really have not been done with suboxone long term.... Even though it feels like the past four weeks have been the longest weeks of my life.

I don't know why but I haven't really had a pink cloud. I haven't really felt that bad (except for the first week) its just that I haven't felt especially great either. I've been feeling pretty good physically but mentally its been weeks of being extremely mediocre for a ridiculous amount of time.

So sure, discontinuation of suboxone is physically something a person can tough out. But its most definitely the mental part thats the battle. Having said that, I also believe my poor brain has not had this much time off any and all opiates in probably close to 20 years... And I'm only 33. :( so yeah, what do I expect?

I'm not saying this to whine or to piss and moan that I'm not on here writing "yay 4 weeks and I'm absolutely wonderful never felt better!" ...

I'm saying it to be realistic for anyone following this thread that thinks of getting off their medication. It continues to be a marathon of hard work on a daily basis to find a happy and meaningful life for myself... But it's also obviously punctuated by a few good days or at least hours out of some days where it's worth it and life feels better without suboxone. It's so hard to explain, I think it's most likely different for each individual experience too.

I would imagine there's no suboxone probably in my system anymore??? Although it was real strange in hot yoga the other day I was sweating way more than usual and I swear I could smell pills coming out of my pores. Or coming out of somebody's pores...it was a strange familiar smell, like exactly the way this shithole trailer house I used to buy stuff at smelled like. Gross. I hope it wasn't me!! But seriously, does anyone else know this smell????! Pretty sure it wasn't me. But I can't imagine being all oxyd out in hot yoga. That's probably a good thing I can't imagine that lol.

Anyway... So I'm thinking regardless of what medication a person does or doesn't take to maintain their health (suboxone or otherwise), this is just proof that life is hard. Life takes effort. I don't know why I thought being off medication was going to change things so much... And I guess in a lot of ways it has.
But life is what a person makes it. I surely have not turned into the social, confident skinny person I expected I would be when I was finally "free" of suboxone... But I'm going to keep trying!


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 Post subject: Re: life after suboxone
PostPosted: Mon Apr 20, 2015 10:44 pm 
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Tiki wrote:
Fishy

I am really impressed with how quickly you got your energy back and had only a few days of being irritable. If i remember correctly you had several years of using opiates then sub. Really Amazing thread to follow.

For me, at 4 weeks after i tapered off SAO's I was miserable! Depressed, anxious, in pain and craving both mental & physical relief. I went back to SAO's thinking i could control it but of course i couldn't so another couple years of using and then i went on suboxone. I couldn't deal with the dark depression and thought by 4 weeks the rebound pain should have gone down a notch or two but it hadn't.

So i am really impressed that you are doing so well. I am really considering tapering off the sub.

Thank you for this(and the other) thread. I am all ears (or eyes :lol: )


This is probably something a mod should bring up to the members. We get all kinds of stories of stopping sub, tapering, etc. Some are horror stories, but most are normal. This is what you need to know about this story.

I'm sure that fishy didn't feel magical during this process. Nonetheless, her taper and weeks off suboxone have been unusually easy from what we have read here. It's almost textbook, but even better. I don't want any members here to go by what Fishy has written in her extensive posting. It's definitely valid for her, but members here should NOT be under the impression that it is this easy for everyone!!

Tiki, your statement from above is scary to me. The first time you tried to get off bupe was a horrible experience. I don't think you should be considering a taper now, especially based off another person's experience.

To reiterate to our members! While we are glad that fishy has been having a pretty easy time of it, that doesn't mean your taper will go so smoothly.

Fishy, I hope you understand why it was necessary to talk to our members about this. You, keep up the good work and keep us informed! :)

Amy

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 Post subject: Re: life after suboxone
PostPosted: Tue Apr 21, 2015 9:24 am 
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Amy,
Yeah, I totally understand. I don't mind my posts being made an example for anything ever. I'm just glad they are even worth anyone commenting on either way. This forum is a recovery tool that people can learn from. So no problem here ;)

In a way too, Amy, you made me realize that maybe I am doing much better than I think. If this whole taper and getting off sub had been much more of a nightmare I know I could not have done it. It has been enough of a nightmare as it stands, and supposedly I had it easier than most!! Well, not so much as a nightmare as a week of being chained to the couch and toilet, followed by a whole bunch of physical symptoms juuuust uncomfortable enough to make each day a struggle...then mental exhaustion and sadness and anger dragged out for weeks making it not that much fun to be a human.

Yes, there were/are days that it lifted enough to see some hope and make it worth going through. But the majority of the whole thing has sucked and made me question if I could or wanted to do it anymore.

So I agree with amy, no one should base their decisions to taper by reading another members thread... Mine or anyone else's, especially if they have had a nightmare attempt in the recent past.

I still am not 100% sure that I will not return to maintenance suboxone in the future. Feeling so many ups and downs and this horribly gloomy mood that seems to fall upon me often... I just don't know if it's going to make for a sustainable, medication free recovery.

My recovery right now involves exercise and self care, journaling, this forum, living in ax100% sober environment, trying to implement all the coping skills for depression that I was given by my shrink. Reading a lot of recovery articles from a plethora of sources...

I'm going to keep trying. Four weeks is not that long to expect everything to be better. Especially when I'm reminded that many of us have a far worse go at coming off suboxone.

Right now my biggest struggles are feeling insecure about myself, feeling judged by others, having lots of social anxiety... Although i don't get actual physical anxiety symptoms more like i just lack all desire to go out and see people in a social setting. I've been feeling real insecure about the way I look, with everything from my face to my weight to my hair... And no matter what clothes I put on I don't feel good about myself. It sucks, it's a lot of the reason I've always used opiates because it took that focus off of what I did not like about my looks.

Anyway... That's enough whining for now. I need to get ready for my day. I don't know if writing all of that helped me in any way or if it just confirmed all the things I don't like about myself right now!


Hope everyone is having an awesome day. I have a long busy day again today, which is probably the best possible thing for me right now.


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 Post subject: Re: life after suboxone
PostPosted: Tue Apr 21, 2015 1:01 pm 
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I'm sorry that something in your life caused you to be so concerned about your physical appearance! Addicts tend to recognize that it's the inside that counts with others, but sometimes we are not so kind to ourselves. I am sure that you are not alone in feeling this way. Everyone has insecurities and a lot of us have used opiates to cover up our uncomfortable feelings about ourselves. So please don't think that you're alone in this.

Amy

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 Post subject: Re: life after suboxone
PostPosted: Tue Apr 21, 2015 4:06 pm 
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Hey Fish :)

I think ur journey is very inspiring. But I'd never assume that if I ever decide to stop, my journey would be exactly like urs. I worry more about the mental part of things than the physical. I totally get what ur saying about the mood and just feeling like u don't wanna be around ppl socially. That happened to me every time I stopped using my doc. I'm sure some aspects of that will be the same with sub also. My issue was always cravings. If ur doing ok on not having horrible cravings, then that's a good plus.

I think a lot of women worry about looks. It's kinda like, we had something to numb those issues but now we're hit head on with those insecurities. I worry about staying fit, my hair not being just perfect, my clothes not making me look the least bit chunky lol. I don't understand why I have these issues but I do. I obsess sometimes over the tiniest little things. Heck when I was using, I could've cared less if I took a shower or had any makeup on, or what I was wearing. Maybe now, we just focus too much on it and it drives us crazy lol. Whatever the reason is, I wanted u to know that ur not alone. I find something wrong with myself physically a lot these days. I never used to be like this. And selfies.....Omg don't get me started on pics lol.

Have a wonderful day. Any day not using is a blessed day :)

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 Post subject: Re: life after suboxone
PostPosted: Tue Apr 21, 2015 11:17 pm 
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Jennjenn
You hit the nail right on the head with everything you said. I never cared what I looked like back in my using days either. I would just throw something together...

Like I have this memory of about 6 months after I got on sub therapy my husband said "why don't you ever wear those blue leopard print pants anymore?" And I said.... "Haha. Because it's Wednesday. And sadly I'll never be high enough to wear those again". But I meant it because I remember if I felt really high I would always end up wearing some crazy shit. And not like, out to a club or something, but like to work, in the middle of the week or to the grocery store at noon. So I have since got rid of most of my crazy clothes (they make me too nostalgic) and started dressing like a real adult. Haha!!

I ended up with a much better day today. I went to hot yoga on my two hour lunch break and had a really good strong class and felt pretty good about myself after. I went back to work in a much better mood although I felt really revved up lots of energy. But I just went with it, let myself feel the energy as much as it wanted to overtake my body... I think it ended up projecting into extreme confidence because I kept getting compliments today about how I looked really great... I didn't necessarily feel like I looked great so it was a little hard to except all the compliments but I faked it and before I knew it I was in a good mood for real.

But i felt like I was the only person who worked there today who didn't hate my day and complain and piss and moan. (Although I try to stay "in character" while I'm there, not showing anything but positive attitude, even when I'm not dealing with clients. Too exhausting to flip back and forth I'd rather just pretend to stay in a positive frame of mind all day instead of going into the back and bitching about everything with the other workers.

Anyway I've been thinking loosely about going back to college and earning a degree... That's a lot to think about though, especially when I have a perfectly good career in which I make really decent moneys.

I don't know... Just going to try and focus on physically getting in real good shape and exercising for right now. That seems to be the best for my recovery and keeping my mind sane. Then mayyyyybe after my vacation I can start thinking seriously about school for fall semester, whether or not it's something I want to do for real.

Hope everyone has had an OK day and is enjoying their evenings.


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 Post subject: Re: life after suboxone
PostPosted: Wed Apr 22, 2015 12:50 am 
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Fish,

I'm glad you're feeling better about yourself, be it physical appearance, or maintaining your "character" at work. It is really amazing that at 4 weeks you are feeling this positive and energetic. I know years back when I got off morphine for a few months it seemed to take several months to regain everything.

What type of degree are you interested in pursuing? Could getting one help you advance in your job, or would you just be doing it for self fulfillment? Are you looking for an on-campus degree or distance learning? Maybe you and Amy could be study-buddies!

I guess that's enough questions for one session ;-).

Take care,
Morphing


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 Post subject: Re: life after suboxone
PostPosted: Wed Apr 22, 2015 1:50 pm 
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Day 30
I feel like a lot of people on here are saying that I'm doing really well for the short amount of time I've been done. That makes me feel really good because there are days when I feel like I have to try so hard to have a good day. But I guess if a person puts enough of those days together it eventually ends up becoming a habit to have a decent day.

I often wonder if this is as good as I'm ever going to feel? Obviously I have to keep exercising and trying to eat the healthiest I possibly can. Or will I someday feel really great?

Today is not the best day ever so far. I took a hydroxyzine last night to help me sleep since I ran out of ambien. I feel really gross today and fragile and have a headache. And it didn't really even make me sleep like i had hoped for. It was a really shallow sleep full of weird dreams. Almost like I was asleep but awake at the same time fully aware that I was dreaming and it was uncomfortable. I had dreams about finding a big handful of pills in a park and pretending to throw them away and secretly pocketing them...and then it was like a really shitty feeling like if I pulled the trigger and actually ate the pills my whole life would go out the window.

Now I don't know if I really feel that way in real life. I didn't think I did, but maybe I do?

Just some thoughts. I have kind of a weird day today. Going for acupuncture this afternoon but not really feeling like it. Maybe it will make me feel better.


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 Post subject: Re: life after suboxone
PostPosted: Thu Apr 23, 2015 9:35 pm 
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Fishy,

Whoo-eee, I know what you mean about the pill dreams. It's so weird because I know I'd never do it in real life, but it's so strange how our brains seem to taunt us in our sleep. Yeesh.

I'm sorry you didn't have a good day. Sounds like it's all mental issues bugging you now, no physical issues, but mental is the absolute hardest part. I've noticed I get super depressed for two days after a drop, so I know how you feel. It sucks.

I hope things keep getting better for you though. You are so strong; you've accomplished a great feat, even if it may not feel like it some days. You are one tough chick!

Best to you!

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 Post subject: Re: life after suboxone
PostPosted: Fri Apr 24, 2015 12:30 am 
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DAY 31

I think all the physical symptoms are completely gone for me, at this point it's more of an emotional/mental thing. Although I think it's just from dealing with life instead of a symptom of discontinuing suboxone treatment.

My life isn't hard I guess... by any means. But you know, we all have our issues. I'm working on putting the whole opiate period of my life behind me and focusing on my health and well being now.

I'm working on accepting the choices I've made up to this point, because I think I'm in pretty deep to make any big changes to my career. I don't want to say specifically state what it is that I do. But I think I wish I wouldve chosen the more difficult path when I was younger and pursued something different.

Anyway...I just wanted to say that I feel like I'm over the symptoms of suboxone withdrawal at 31 days, no signs of physical PAWS... Anything emotional or mental that I'm feeling I attribute to years of opiate abuse and choices I've made, NOT suboxone or lack thereof.


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 Post subject: Re: life after suboxone
PostPosted: Sun Apr 26, 2015 6:33 pm 
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Hi Fishy,

I just reread what I last posted to you and I am so glad you took what I said as a compliment, because I certainly did not want to make you feel bad. There are people here who really look up to you and it's awesome that you are giving people inspiration from your successes! I hate to be the "heavy" who has to remind people that every person's journey is different. But such is the life of a mod!

I do hope you give some more consideration to going back to school! You're obviously a smart cookie and your determination makes it clear that you would earn that degree if you ever put your mind to it. Good luck with making the decision!

Amy

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 Post subject: Re: life after suboxone
PostPosted: Mon Apr 27, 2015 10:47 pm 
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DAY 35.. TODAY IS 5 WEEKS

just wanted to post my 5 week update today. Still feeling good, I have been getting a lot of exercise. Today I took a hot yoga class and then later in the afternoon went to the gym and ran for 30 mins on the treadmill. Tomorrow I will probably only do yoga and no running but I'll see how I'm feeling. Exercise seems to be the best way to prevent and cope with any stress or crabby feelings I am having. And it certainly helps me burn off the extra calories I'm consuming since my appetite came back with a fury. Actually I feel like exercise has been my way of working on my recovery. I react so positively mentally and emotionally to the effects of exercise that i believe it's really really a key for me to stay clean.

Its becoming harder and harder to remember just how horrible I felt that first week, and the fatigue I had was soooo heavy that any random tired days I get here or there feel like nothing. That's not to say I am feeling amazing or excellent or that life is wonderful. But I'm feeling like this gets easier with each passing week and I'm not having any real actual desire to go back to using. However, I know that there is still an addict inside of me, and that I'm not immune from relapse or temptation. For that reason, I'm going to keep my guard up.


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Fond Du Lac Psychiatry
Dr. Jeffrey Junig, M.D., Ph.D.

  • Board Certified Psychiatrist
  • Asst Clinical Professor, Medical College of Wisconsin

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