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PostPosted: Fri May 27, 2011 11:34 pm 
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PostPosted: Sat May 28, 2011 7:04 am 
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Why theres NO negativity around here, Come onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn ...


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 Post subject: So important!
PostPosted: Sat May 28, 2011 11:55 am 
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Thanks, DOAQ. That concept is so important and that's what I'm dealing with right now. It's not easy for me at all, but I've gotta get better at it. Actually, it's something that has been bugging me to no end lately.

We moved last year to a new state and I quickly made a good new friend and her daughter and mine became BFFs. She LOVED me and my daughter, always wanted to have my daughter over, etc. Well......suddenly, everything got weird and she will not speak to me, return texts or calls, look at me, etc. She denied my FB request. She parks carefully and waits until I pull into the school circle drive and then pulls in three cars behind so we never get too close to each other. The WORST part is that she is not kind to my daughter at all anymore. She won't respond when my daughter says 'hi'. She had her kid exclude mine from their talent show dance by lying and saying the other girls weren't doing it. My daughter came home crying that this woman hates her, so I called this chick and asked her to please, please explain what was going on, but she won't respond. I was at a complete and total loss, because nothing ever happened between us or our girls.

Then, someone finally clued me in. We did not join their church. She did invite me a lot. I did look into it. It's not for me. It's called being 'shunned' and it is the crappiest way to treat someone. It's apparently supposed to make me want to run and join up, which is really odd, because it's having the entirely reverse effect. :wink: It's so negative and it's been bringing me down. So, I'm having to talk myself up and talk my daughter up. When I think about it, I don't want to be friends with someone who would be nasty to a child. I mean, this is in the name of religion?! Lying, sneaking around, bullying a kid? I call that mean and shady. This crap has been the weirdest thing I've ever witnessed in my life. No one else from her church will acknowledge me either, and it all coincided with me firmly telling the (very) persistent missionaries I'd made my decision. It's so hard to not let people's negativity influence us, but man, we have to keep working at it. Other people's negativity can absolutely be poison to us.

Ugh...sorry to blab like that, but this has been such a nutty and confusing experience for me these past few months. I was not raised like this at all.

laddertipper

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PostPosted: Sat May 28, 2011 12:33 pm 
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Ugh, ladder, that sounds awful. I can see why you'd have a really hard time just letting that go - that kind of ongoing negativity that you can't really escape...and when it effects your child, well - I know that get's the mama bear instinct activated.

Shunning. That sounds so old-school. I read an essay once by this woman who got pregnant as a teen and was sent off to have the baby and give it up for adoption. Then her whole community shunned her. It gives me the chills to think how awful people can be to one another, especially in the name of religion.

At least you know why she's acting so weird now, though I'm sure it doesn't make it feel any better. I hope it gets easier with time and that your daughter will be able to see that this isn't about her. I wish I had something better to say, but I don't. You really seem like the kind of person who will rise above this lady and her nonsense and take the high road though. Your neighbor obviously isn't strong enough to stand up to peer pressure (from her church) and treat people decently...but you know you are. I bet it really chaps her hide that her bullsh*t isn't causing you to reconsider joining her church. (Just think of the fun you could have dishing out this treatment to others in the future! Bleck!)

Just keep on being your awesome self and life will take care of her in the end. I hope you have a lovely weekend!

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PostPosted: Sat May 28, 2011 1:49 pm 
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Diary of a Quitter wrote:
Ugh, ladder, that sounds awful. I can see why you'd have a really hard time just letting that go - that kind of ongoing negativity that you can't really escape...and when it effects your child, well - I know that get's the mama bear instinct activated.

Shunning. That sounds so old-school. I read an essay once by this woman who got pregnant as a teen and was sent off to have the baby and give it up for adoption. Then her whole community shunned her. It gives me the chills to think how awful people can be to one another, especially in the name of religion.

At least you know why she's acting so weird now, though I'm sure it doesn't make it feel any better. I hope it gets easier with time and that your daughter will be able to see that this isn't about her. I wish I had something better to say, but I don't. You really seem like the kind of person who will rise above this lady and her nonsense and take the high road though. Your neighbor obviously isn't strong enough to stand up to peer pressure (from her church) and treat people decently...but you know you are. I bet it really chaps her hide that her bullsh*t isn't causing you to reconsider joining her church. (Just think of the fun you could have dishing out this treatment to others in the future! Bleck!)

Just keep on being your awesome self and life will take care of her in the end. I hope you have a lovely weekend!


It IS a shock to see how people can act in the name of religion, I grew up in the San Francisco area and then Los Angeles. This is quite different from either or those places, lol. I don't, in any way, buy into this being religiously justified. That's a bunch of bull! If I talk myself through it, I realize that I don't actually want to be friends with these people anyway, let alone a member of their 'church'. This chick was all about appearances, and I realize now there just wasn't much good stuff beneath that pretty surface. I'm still very kind to her child, because she is a child, after all and did not choose this stuff.

Yup, it does chap this woman's hide that this doesn't change my mind. I guess the point was to make me feel very left out, but then I realized that I wanted to be left out of anything like that! I've met some other people here who have been shunned, even by their own flesh and blood, so this isn't unique to me. I know this chick is pretty mad at me. They are very pressured to bring people in, and I think she was over confident that she had me in the bag. In general, they are under a tremendous amount of pressure, so I do have a lot of sympathy for them. It must really suck to have to spy on me everyday and time dropping off/picking up her kid, going to the grocery store, figuring out where to sit at school functions, etc. to avoid me. Think of all that effort! It's so stupid.....

Thanks so much for your kind words, DOAQ!! You always say something very helpful. And reading that was quite helpful to me. Have a great weekend too!! :D

laddertipper

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PostPosted: Sat May 28, 2011 3:33 pm 
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i think there going through one of those ignorant mind cramps that the world is going to end again and every one else is going to hell.


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PostPosted: Sat May 28, 2011 3:50 pm 
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Hey Dairy Queen,

Do you have one of those cool graphics to show me how to make my OCD go away? :lol:

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PostPosted: Sat May 28, 2011 4:25 pm 
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That does indeed suck, ladder! I've just never understood people acting so horribly in the name of religion.

On the subject of shunning...well, I'm one of those people who have a great deal of personal experience being shunned, as some of you probably recall. Mostly this has been by my own family but also by other people with whom I've merely disagreed or for some other twisted reason.

For me it can be hard at times to keep the negativity from soaking into me. But I've learned of late that I simply cannot control other people and they will do what they are going to do regardless of how I well I behave. Actually it would probably be more accurate to say I have to keep reminding and re-learning it.

We discussed a study around here once before. It talked about how people just won't budge from what they believe to be true even in the face of factual evidence. So even when a lovely, nice, kind, wonderful person steps into their life, their own biased, prejudiced opinion will continue to color that opinion no matter what the truth may be. And in that case, why even bother trying to convince them that they are wrong? All we can control is ourselves. Never other people. Let their negativity ruin their lives, but not ours. I'm not saying it's easy, because it definitely is not! I think it's a learned skill to let things roll off one's back. I used to try to do that by repeating to myself, "I'm a duck, I'm a duck...it's rolling off my back." I sounded like an idiot to anyone who might have heard, but it helped me to not let that shit soak into me.

So ladder, try to be that duck and help your little girl to understand that she did nothing wrong (which you are doing). What you are teaching her now will serve her well throughout her entire life. It sounds like you're handling it with grace. :)

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PostPosted: Mon May 30, 2011 11:42 am 
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Hat, I didn't know you'd been through shunning. How can anyone do that to someone in their family!?!? It blows me away, although there are plenty of people here whose families have shunned them. I guess the point is to make you feel so miserable and lonely that you resign to following whatever they want you to follow. I don't think this tactic works on those of us who are confident enough to think for ourselves. Up until recently, I didn't even know anyone does this anymore. I am truly trying to let it roll off me. The bottom line is that this particular group holds a lot of beliefs that I absolutely don't agree with let alone subscribe to. Frankly, I don't want many of those beliefs rubbing off on my kids, period. I'm raising my kids (ALL my kids, not just my son!) to believe they can be anything and do anything. My older daughter, who has been on the receiving end of this stuff, is so bright and has big dreams. She's seen for herself that belonging to this group means being limited, especially for a girl. It's obvious and not even something they really conceal. She doesn't want to get married super young and have a whole slew of kids and give up her dreams. I don't want her to either. So, although I'm not shunning anyone, because it is MEAN, I'm avoiding this group because I believe very differently than they do.

One thing that was bugging me to death was that I told this former friend about my Sub, which I don't typically tell people about. We got close quickly, or so I thought, and this person came off as being as sweet as anyone could possibly be. Her husband's a doctor, so I wanted to know if he had access to any additional information, since I was struggling so much with my taper. She listened and actually went and talked to him and got back with me. It was weird because she was telling me what he said and whispering, like it was such a shameful thing to be speaking of. I know she is probably walking around telling all the other moms in her group that I'm a drug addict, which pisses me off. She probably feels like it makes her much better than me. I just need to let it go. Thank you guys so much for responding. I wasn't going to mention it on here, as it's so unrelated, but it feels great to get it out. :D :D

laddertipper

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PostPosted: Mon May 30, 2011 11:59 am 
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Good for you for sharing ladder, letting that stuff fester and get to you is a recipe for disaster. Even though we all know this, it seems we all still do it from time to time and that's one of the benefits I get from this community....being able to share freely, without fear of being judged.

I still find it amazing how once we share certain personal experiences that there always seems to be someone else who has experienced something similar and it's comforting to know that were not alone in how we're feeling.

Again, glad you shared and I'm glad you feel so good getting it out!!

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PostPosted: Tue May 31, 2011 6:16 am 
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Yeah, ladder, the whole thing with my family - well, my siblings - shunning me is absolute bullshit. I have three siblings, two of which I haven't spoken to in nearly five years (one less than a year). Now that includes not being able to be a part of my niece and nephew's lives too. I've practically banged my head against a wall trying to ascertain what I did wrong. I've also gone over and over and over it with my mother. Even she has said that I actually didn't do anything wrong. It's a matter of them and their twisted perspective and just plain being out of their fucking minds.

Of course it's extremely painful and hurtful to me. But the thing is, when they were in my life, my life was full of drama and one crisis after another. Now, with them out of my life, my life is ultra calm and quiet - the way I like it. So I've chosen to look at it this way: First, I cannot control them and no matter what I do to fix it or reach out to them it is never good enough for them. Plus this way my life is much simpler and so, so calm, the way my husband and I like it. I fought for years to overcome the hurt and negativity that they were inserting into my life. And it's not something I could just change overnight. No matter how much I decide to look at it differently, it still hurts sometimes. I mean, my gosh, it's my FAMILY!!! But again, I can't change them or how they feel. I can ONLY adjust how I think and feel and act. And this is where I refuse to let their negativity soak into my mind and my life.

WOW...I cannot believe I just told you all of this. Holy shit. I think this is the first time I've really opened up this much about myself. And that's probably because if my family can throw me aside like a bag of garbage, why can't other people, especially those who don't know me? So you see why I'm not very trusting of a lot of people. I'm working on that though.

So thanks, you guys, for giving me a safe place to talk about this. Talking about this kind of stuff is always helpful to working through it.

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PostPosted: Tue May 31, 2011 12:16 pm 
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Wow, Hat, that sucks. I have four sisters, and while we certainly don't always get along by any stretch, we are there for each other in the worst of times. That's what family is supposed to do. Unfortunately, families don't always step up like they should.

It's interesting that you say you banged your head against a wall trying to figure out what you did. That is what I did with this 'friend'. (Obviously, it's on a much more superficial level, as it's not my family.) I thought about everything I did and said and analyzed the hell out of it all. Did I slip up and curse? Was it because I had my coffee maker out when she came over? Was it the Suboxone?

The bottom line is that if you or I did something so very wrong that we deserved to be treated like poop, we would absolutely know it. I think that's why your siblings aren't confronting you with something. They have nothing to charge you with. You wouldn't have to try so hard to figure it out if it was justified. The other thing is that I think it's really selfish that they choose for their children to not have you around as an aunt. That downright sucks. Kids need to be around people who love them, and the more the better. My sisters add so much to my kids' lives. If I grew up and found out my aunt wanted to know me but my parent blocked that relationship, I'd be pissed. So, for that reason alone, it sucks that your siblings aren't trying to work it out with you. Maybe they judge you for your addiction history. If that's it, well, I hope for them they don't learn the hard way that addiction happens to good people and you can never assume you are safe. God forbid one of their children ends up with an addiction problem....

I can only imagine how much pain this has caused you. I mean, as addicts, we already struggle to accept our pasts and what we've done. When people don't like us or treat us like we aren't good enough, we tend to take more than we should because we somehow feel we deserve it. It's bullshit, but that's what we do. On top of that, family is supposed to love you unconditionally. You're right that you can't control this, and it's THEIR problem and not yours. You cannot risk even being around people who make you feel like you are no better than garbage. They have no right to treat you that way and it shows the defects in their characters, frankly.

We gotta keep our heads up!

laddertipper

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