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 Post subject: Lapsed today :|
PostPosted: Thu Dec 02, 2010 5:47 am 
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Feeling a bit bummed out about it.

I'll explain the backstory. The last couple of weeks I've been faced with some full on challenges, and it's like they've all hit me at once. For one, a couple of weeks back I got a call from the landlady explaining that my housemate was $4000 behind in his rent, and if he didn't pay his debt by the end of the month, we would both have to vacate the property. So for a little while now my housing has had a big ? over it. I kept pushing, prodding and encouraging my housemate to get his ass off the couch, stop being a job-snob and work but copped the same old response.. "yeah yeah I'm on it".

Also, a couple of weeks ago I found out I'm Hep C positive, which was a shock to find out. After using for 10 years I never contracted it, yet in a final 2 month long relapse addiction decides to leave me with a nice present. I'd had a blood test in July which came back all clear. It was only through a routine checkup recently where I decided to get an STD check (they threw in Hep-C free as a loyalty offer - jk) that it came back Hep C positive. Shit go. I'd been tested for it heaps of times over the years, and the one test where I wasn't prepared for a positive result was the one I end up with it.

So anyway, things have been very difficult lately. But I managed to hold on for a couple of weeks without feeding into my desire to self destruct. However, 2 days ago when it was clear my housemate hadn't come up with the $$, I cracked it at him. This is the last thing I need on my plate at the moment - the possibility of being homeless in recovery. What angers me is that all along I feel he was just buying time.

This is the important bit.. This morning I had my first appointment with the liver specialist. It was at 9:30AM, too early for me to go to the pharmacy and get my dose dispensed before I headed into the hospital in town. I've also been a bit sleep deprived lately.. Actually, I've been -very- sleep deprived lately with all the goings on, so I was very tired. The appointment went okay, except he sent me downstairs to get a lot of blood samples taken.

Needless to say - incredibly tired (HALTS), stress of new illness, stress of possible homelessness, lack of suboxone in my system plus seeing a needle go into my arm at pathology = recipe for disaster. When I was driving away from the hospital I didn't care. It was as if when I was going to score, I didn't care for the consequences. I didn't care whether I'd like it or hate it. Whether I'd lose my partner. Whether I'd end up losing my family, end up in rehab or jail. I was too tired to care. I was on autopilot.

No doubt tomorrow when I wake up, things will hit home a bit more.

Anyway, hopefully someone will learn from my lesson. I know I have. I didn't want to put this in the "still messin around" forum because I feel I genuinely still have the motivation to stay in recovery.


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 02, 2010 8:37 am 
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Well, I can certainly relate to the Hep C positive diagnosis, since I've had it for about 25 years and it's now in the "Chronic" phase, with extensive liver damage and I'm facing the likelihood of a liver transplant some time in the next 5 to 10 years. That doesn't mean YOU will face the same challenge. Some people die of old age with Hep C. Some suffer consequences. Just think of it as a reason to stay clean.

As for the relapse. Well, it happens. The main thing is to try to take a lesson from it and learn something about yourself, which you seem to be doing.

Hang in there.


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 02, 2010 9:33 am 
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I'm so sorry to hear you're going thru such a rough time of it lately. Stress is such a huge trigger for all of us. I say forgive yourself and look at it as a learning experience and full steam ahead. You can get past this. Might I also make another suggestion? When stress overwhelms you, come to this forum, open a new thread, and vent about it here. We're part of your support system - that's what we're here for. Vent and get some of it out. Let us help you. Hang in there, my friend!

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 02, 2010 10:14 am 
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tearjerker,

Get up off the ground and get back on that horse. Are you surprised that horse bucked you...that's what horses do! Especially when you let go of the reigns and start staring at the ground.

Your life is certainly filled with a lot of drama right now and I find myself having to echo Hatmaker...use this site to vent. That's what it and we are here for. Don't ever hesitate.

I wish you all the best and sincerely hope some of the drama goes away soon. Hang in there.


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 02, 2010 3:47 pm 
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IM sorry to hear you are going through so much shit in your life right now but look through it and things will and can get better. We all make mistakes and don’t let this one cause many just learn from it and realize when your stress levels are very high you must come to someone to vent whether it be hear, friend, partner or whoever it may be! And just try to find other ways as well to cope with your stress. For myself I have really bad panic attacks which bring all the emotions back of using and so much more but what I do is get up put my dogs harness one and walk and walk. You don’t need a dog to do this either you can walk by yourself it really helps you to think over things and as long as your walking you are focused on the task at hand NOW not what will happen when you get back to your house.

Please feel free to get in touch with me like hat and rom im hear to take everything you have to throw at me to help you not use.


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 02, 2010 10:04 pm 
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Thanks for the support guys. Been an interesting coupla weeks can tell you that much.

I've found a place to stay - Mum's - which is cool seeming as she didn't want a bar of me in addiction. Just a temporary thing I hope. She wants her final freedom from us kids as much as I don't want to be a 27 year old living with my mother.

One of the big stressors was the thought I'd possibly given it to my partner. I know Hep C isn't an STD, but there are a coupla things the doc yesterday mentioned which made it a risk that we weren't afraid of dabbling with. This really freaked me out.

Anyway, lastnight I had dreams of rehabs and losing my partner. They weren't pleasant. I really don't want to use. I even didn't like the effect yesterday - the brain fog, the emotional amnesia.. I feel like I'm past that now. Sure, I got a decent agonist effect. But it doesn't do for me what it once did, that's for sure.

Once again, thanks, and I'll let you know how the move goes. I probably won't tell my partner just yet. I'd rather wait til theres a bit of distance from my lapse, just so I'm less likely to self-destruct if her reaction's is not good.


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2010 4:48 pm 
Dont get to down on yourself for living at home at 27, Im 25 and still live at home and I sometimes get depressed about it but then I think about some of the people in my outpatient one is 39 and the other is 48 both living at home which gives me a ton of motivation not to end up like that. They are good people but just stayed in active addiction for to long and i dont want to end up in that position when im that age. You relapsed but dont get to down about it its just a mistake and just try to learn from it and move forward. Since you said you didnt even enjoy it just try to remember that next time you want to use and use it as motivation to not go back to it. I hope everything works out for you.


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 05, 2010 10:10 am 
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Things have levelled out okay.

Because I missed a dose of subox the day of the lapse, it's taken a lil while to get my levels back up so once again I'm waking up with a bit of the aches and cant-be-stuffeds. But otherwise, things are going okay.

It's interesting, but since this is the first time I've done a non 12-step based recovery, I can now see something like this as a learning experience. Kinda like when a pilots learning to fly in a simulator and they throw at him (or her) all these storms and weird radio dropouts... life's thrown me all this stuff at the moment, and my landing might have been in the middle of a paddock and I mightave taken out a coupla cows and a barn and a few hostesses but I'm still kickin and things are okay. And I got out of the simulator and learned from it and next time I'll be better prepared for that stuff.

But I know that if I didn't have the suboxone, I'd be struggling about now not to go out and use again. The brain's not as forgiving about things like this when I don't have the buffer that suboxone gives me.

So for now, I view this period as my training. And if I can eventually take whatever life throws at me, even on a lower dose of subox without needing a shot, I'll be ready to play life Subox free.


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 06, 2010 10:03 am 
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I like that analogy involving the airplane, especially the landing. HAA, too funny! Hey, any landing you can walk away from is a good one!

You seem to have a really good attitude about all of this and I think that is a big key to your success.

Having the suboxone to help you through is great too. I know how much it helped me.

Good job on moving forward and staying positive tearjerker.


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