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 Post subject: I knew better...
PostPosted: Tue Jun 04, 2013 10:01 am 
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We are addicts. First and foremost. Let me make that point, before I go any further....

I was the first person in this area to get into Suboxone treatment..and of course, I told others of MY success. This led other people to question it, and even try it.

Now..forward 5 years...and I've been through it with people. "Friends" that I know that I told of Suboxone treatment who went and got on it for themselves...
Even gone as far as letting a close friend get one or two here and there...which is absolutely wrong, but we all know what those withdrawals are, and nobody wants to wish that misery on their enemy...and obviously not a friend either.
A friend that I've had for years...an older lady who used to be BAD into pills..ultrams, lortabs...etc...she went and got on Suboxone. Even went to the same doctor as I was going to until last month, when I had to switch doctors...

This friend has a daughter that has fuckin gone off the deep end in drug abuse. Lost her kids, thanks to the state DHR...and for SOME stupid reason, this friend let her daughter+boyfriend move into the same house. Not supposed to be with the kids, since they were taken away from them for being lousy parents, but she let her daughter move in anyway.

Let me be absolute in this part. I DONT take too much of my medicine. Average day, I take 2. prescribed 3/day. I try to stay "AHEAD" so if I do have to miss my dr appt, I'm not struggling.
This "friend" let her daughter take her meds. Handed them over...month after month...and when her daughter lied, saying "i'll pay you back" and then the lies came to fruition....and it was time to be paid back and the daughter didn't come through...guess who got a phone call.....???
Yep...me.
As the subject of this says...I knew better.
Every month for the past few months, I've had to be torn between being a friend, and doing what I know is right and legal...and letting someone "borrow" my meds until they went to the doctor.
Every month..she was getting further and further into her NEXT prescription..and refused to stop giving them to her daughter.
Here's a kicker...she was on Subutex. I'm on Suboxone.
I got so far behind that I had to change doctors, because I was only getting 75/month and supplying this friend...and wound up coming up short last month..so I had to change to a doctor that I knew would give me 90/month instead. I had been with my doctor for FOUR YEARS...didn't want to change, and I was happy at 75/month. I don't care for the "more is more" mindset. Didn't want to get more...
But I did this to myself.
Last month, this friend called me a little over ONE WEEK after her doctor appt. She had JUST got her 90 the week before (90 subutex)...
And she was calling me because she was ALREADY out. Keep in mind, I had to go to a different doctor...and I had gotten 90 about the same time she called.
So I lied...told her I had to change doctors, and since my doctor had knocked me down to 56/month, my insurance wouldn't pay for my new script yet that I got from the new doctor. I would have to wait...couldn't get any filled.
That saved me..for a while.
Then, she waited about a week, until the date I told her that I was getting them...which was 4 days before her dr appt again...
And my phone rang again...
"I'm going to the doctor in 4 days, and I want to make sure they are in my system. If you can loan me 10 that would be great..."
So I decided it was time to let her in on a little secret. "Hey, you DO know that the doctor can tell if you're taking Suboxone, or subutex, right?"
She didn't believe me. I heard the usual "he's never said anything before..."...etc
She didn't disclose that it had been a year since she had a drug test..and she thought she was going to just get away with that forever I guess....
I finally said "fuck it"...and to get her to leave me alone, I agreed to give her 10. Promising I would be paid back, granted with subutex, exactly 4 days later.
This was going to leave me short...but hey..she said she would pay me back.
Day of the doctor appt comes and goes...and I hear NOTHING.
I don't say anything...the next morning I sent a message..."you said you were coming here when you left the pharmacy....what happened?"
Finally...I got the answer. In story-form.

"I went into the doctors office, and they had me taking a test...so when I was it was going to be sent to a lab, I told him what I had done. I told him that I took 4 suboxone..and he turned into Dr Jeckyll...went ballistic..and got really mean with me....but I told him that he had me on Suboxone in the past, and I had some left..he said that didn't matter..."

She went in and started blabbing her damn gums and wasn't even a issue..because she could've gotten a month's more of medicine, since she OWED someone..instead of going in and suddenly finding GOD because she had to take a drug test...but no...
She tells her whole damn story just because she had to piss in a cup. He wouldn't have known, if she had kept her mouth shut..for at LEAST another month. IF he would've said anything then is questionable...but she won't be finding that out...because he sent her home with NONE. So did I get paid back what I was owed? No...
I get this story about "he's got me coming back in two weeks, and maybe he'll put me back on them when I go back."
I finally lost it. I told her.."you know what..when you go back, I'll be in Dauphin Island...and I'll already have been back for MY OWN appointment two days before we leave...so just fucking forget it. Don't even worry about paying me back, I don't care. I told you, for MONTHS to quit feeding your damn daughter the meds ..and you didn't. You kept handing them over to her, when she wasn't even prescribed suboxone. Only reason you give them to her was because she would go to this same doctor for fibromyalgia..and come home with 90 lortab 10s...and 120 roxycodone...and the damn girl was banging every pill she got, then buying K8 (dilaudid) on the street and banging them too. Then when she'd run out of her opiate drugs...she would curse and raise hell with her mom until momma gives in and feeds her subutex..
I hope the daughter appreciates me enabling her like I did. I never gave the daughter anything, but because the mom was coming to me for my meds....she knew she could give her daughter whatever the fuck and just get me to "LOAN" her enough.

I've SO had it with people who don't take their shit seriously. I told this woman two months ago that I was fixing to get serious with my treatment again, and stop letting people borrow shit from me..and now it's time to do just that.
I don't run out, I don't take too much...I treat my suboxone as it should be treated...a medicine meant to aid in my recovery. How the hell can I be recovering when I am feeding other addicts who don't care to take their shit seriously and actually want to do it right ....
I'm fed up. This isn't a true friend...and damn sure isn't someone who's going to help me stay on the path I need to stay on. If a person doesn't have the willpower to tell their child "NO"...when they KNOW their child is abusing drugs to that extent..then I damn sure don't need that person around me.


This is my rant...I had to post it here in Freestyle because this goes outside the realm of suboxone being taken as it should...
I know, sharing meds and all that goes along with that...and I've said before that I wouldn't do it anymore, but this post will be here for me to come back and see the trouble I've had ..so maybe it'll help me keep that focus and not lose track and give into "poor friend who is so pitiful"....
Their so pitiful because THEY aren't doing what they should be doing..if they WERE..they wouldn't be running out of their own shit way too early to begin with. So from here on...I'm finished with this type of friend. People don't care to be responsible for their own shit, I'm not bailing anyone out because of such behavior. I'm not a doctor or a pharmacy..and I will be damned if I let someone play on my sympathies again as I've done in the past....

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Adam Wayne P.
DOB: July 1, 1985
October 8, 2013

RIP little brother. Gone, but not forgotten.


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 04, 2013 12:36 pm 
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Hey Jonathan,

Reading your post set me back to my druggin days of lending out pills. I used to lend out pills because it made me feel in control and important. Oh, and those people that say they will pay you back...yeah right...that usually never happens.

The best advice I can give you is to surround yourself with people in recovery or with people who respect your seriousness about staying clean.

**Great idea about posting a pissed off rant. Then you can go back and read it next time you get in this situation.


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 04, 2013 2:59 pm 
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I hate it when people take advantage of your kindness! I'm so glad that you're cutting off these "friends" that are only using you. You don't owe them a thing! Plus, if this friend had told her doctor that you were her source, she could have gotten you into all kinds of trouble!!

I think that there is something about men that causes them to want to rescue women. I don't think that's necessarily a bad impulse unless it starts dragging you down.

We owe it to ourselves to put our recovery first. So good job on deciding to go back to the straight and narrow. And Raudy is right. Being able to revisit this rant can only strengthen your resolve. I'm sorry you've put yourself in this position, but I'm proud of you for getting it back on track!

Amy

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 04, 2013 8:13 pm 
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I guess maybe it was a sympathy gesture...she's an older woman (crowding 60? maybe)...and I knew the entire time that I was going to get bit...
Did I ever run out and have to ask for someone to "loan" me some? No..the only way I ever came up short was when I supplied her, and she was cutting close on paying me back.
I got a week now that I'll have to really cut myself short (a week of taking 1/day instead of the 3/day I'm prescribed)...but I think I can do that with minimal withdrawals...
Actually, maybe someone could chime in here and answer, I probably shouldn't feel much of anything cutting down like that, should I? I been averaging 2 to 2 1/2 a day for the past couple years (I actually did have a little stockpile for a while...but that got gone when I started becoming the pharmacy for this person)..
So cutting 1 8mg suboxone from my routine for a week....shouldn't really affect me I don't think...

But trust me...next week when we leave for Dauphin Island (Thursday)...I'll have already been to the doctor and have PLENTY to last me for quite a while..because my appointment is Monday evening..and I'll get replenished with 90 again...but this time, I'll be putting some back for a rainy day again, like I used to do...and I DARE the woman to call me up.

She's actually stupid enough to ask me "Why, when I told him what I did, and he cut me off, did he give me only 2 weeks of ultram and make me come back? Maybe he'll put me back on Subutex when I go back in two weeks..."

I'm like...you stupid, stupid person....
I finally told her that I believe she's lying, and if anything, she got cut down on her dose but not cut completely off, and that a doctor can't take you from 90/month to NOTHING/month...
She just don't want to pay back what she owes me, and I finally told her that I didn't want them...and I would tough it out.
But it's hard to beat the temptation to take my meds until they are gone...even knowing I"m going to run out. Still that addict behavior.

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Adam Wayne P.
DOB: July 1, 1985
October 8, 2013

RIP little brother. Gone, but not forgotten.


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 04, 2013 9:13 pm 
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I don't know if this helps, but last week I went from taking 16mg a day to 8mg a day. The only difference I felt was that I was less tired. I've been extremely tired the four months I've been on sub, nodding out all the time. Cutting back really helped with that. I went back to work this week after being on vacation and I'm taking 12mg now, because of my back pain. But I really think you should be fine cutting back for a week. Maybe you'll even decide that you feel better with a little less and can start creating that stockpile again :-)


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 04, 2013 10:58 pm 
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Last edited by qhorsegal2 on Wed Aug 28, 2013 1:21 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 05, 2013 6:53 am 
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This person is saying the doctor took her off of Sub for two weeks, and when she goes back in two weeks, she thinks he'll put her back on them.

I finally had enough of her telling me BS like "I don't wanna go to another doctor (and get what I owe you and pay you back before your next appointment) because I think he'll give them to me again."

I told her I think she's lying and got SOMETHING, maybe not 90/month..but enough to take 1/day for 2 weeks...and that's when he'll see what she's got in her system....and I told her that I think Suboxone clouds peoples' judgement, and that if she believe he'll really give her the suboxone again, to go ahead and try...but don't ever ask me for anything again...and keep what she owes me..or give it to her daughter since she loves to enable her daughter anyway...but I don't want her paying me back anything.

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Adam Wayne P.
DOB: July 1, 1985
October 8, 2013

RIP little brother. Gone, but not forgotten.


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 05, 2013 1:05 pm 
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If you don't mind Jonathan, I'm going to put in my 2 cents.

You're a bit angry (rightfully so) and criticizing your "friend" for enabling her daughter.. but you've been enabling your friend this whole time, as well. You both are doing the same thing. Chances are, she probably is lying but that's moot. You know by now, never give anything away that you can't afford to lose. When giving something to an addict, assume it's gone forever. That is the rule of the game. I wouldn't even get into anymore back and forth with her about whether she is lying or how many pills she may or may not have.. that is all petty drama that will only get you sucked back into the unhealthy addict behavior and thinking.

Try and move on sans anger and realize it's just one of those valuable learning experiences. It's good to vent here but I wouldn't even waste any more time on it. It's unhealthy for you to let this take up space in your head. JMHO. :D


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 05, 2013 7:52 pm 
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You're right, tiny..

I just got finished sending my last message..and removed her from my FB..
Told her that I don't really care what she does next week at her doctors appt...whether she gets back on Sub or not...and whether she ever intended to pay me back...that she could just keep them...maybe pass them on to her daughter if she wants to play pharmacy so bad...but I wasn't going to sweat it anymore and she could do whatever...and the last sentence said "I seriously hope you get a straighter mindset about this drug that's meant for addiction treatment therapy and quit supplying people with it, especially if you're going to give it away to someone who you know has NO intention of paying you back."

I mean...I've stuck a couple in my pocket...washed them (back when I had pill-form) and had to get 1-2 here and there from CLOSE friends. That's really not much to be concerned with...
but.....

Someone borrowing 10-15 at a time...that's a problem. That's not just "oops, I must've taken 1 or 2 extra through the month"...
that's a "I'm abusing the FUCK out of this drug that's mean for treatment, and YOU should help me because you somehow owe me something just because you know me...so gimmee gimmee gimmee."

Had enough. I told this same person two months ago that I was fixing to get serious with my meds again...and this is the straw...it fractured, cracked, and displaced the camels back...

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Adam Wayne P.
DOB: July 1, 1985
October 8, 2013

RIP little brother. Gone, but not forgotten.


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 06, 2013 1:11 am 
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I do agree with you here man.
But...

You can't just keep saying this is all on her because she is just so sick and plays pharmacy and takes too much suboxone...
You gotta look at the part that you played in this too...
She could come back and say very similar things about you.

Idk. I'm not saying this to point fingers or be mean or anything like that, but with addiction It's really important to always look at the part that we played egg en placing blame or things of that sort.

So. Yes. She is sick and really did you wrong and is just really continuing her active addition by doing what she does.... But... You helped that continue in a way and still lent out large amounts of sub to her.

I know it blows, but it has helped me so much to start looking at my role when I start blaming someone for something. Seriously. No joke. And I'm guilty of not doing it as much as I should.

Just something to think about.

It's like a drug dealer blaming addicts for him selling Drugs and going to jail.

Idk. Maybe I'm Crazy and all wrong... I just know it's a good and difficult lesson with thus stuff.


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 06, 2013 1:19 am 
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The difference here is she didn't take Suboxone for addiction, she takes it for pain.

She didn't tell the doctor she was addicted and needed to quit opiates, she said she read that
Suboxone would help with pain so she asked for it. Either way, I should have learned how to say no a while back. Then I wouldn't
be in this boat.

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Adam Wayne P.
DOB: July 1, 1985
October 8, 2013

RIP little brother. Gone, but not forgotten.


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 10, 2013 9:09 am 
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Well, since Friday, I've been saying to myself "I just gotta get to Monday, then I'll get mine...."
Lucky isn't the word for me and what's happened. Ran into an old friend i haven't seen in YEARS at the gas station while I was filling my wife's car up, on Saturday. We got to discussing different things...and Suboxone came up. I told him my story, and what had happened to me with being cut short because I tried to help someone...and lo + behold if he didn't call a close friend of his and he later brought me enough Sub to do me until today. Then, on top of that, the woman that caused me this little bit of grief calls and says she had two for me..so I got really lucky this time. Next time I may not be so lucky...so there's not going to be a next time for me.

I talked with my wife about it all, and she told me that she could really get behind me being on it, and staying on it, if it weren't for the behavior associated with trading, loaning, etc...because it's the same things I did with painkillers years ago.
So...for me and mine, I'll be keeping a tight reign on my Suboxone and not doing this crap anymore, with ANYONE. No matter how close of what the pity party story is.

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Adam Wayne P.
DOB: July 1, 1985
October 8, 2013

RIP little brother. Gone, but not forgotten.


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 10, 2013 4:10 pm 
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This is why recovery via meetings or other treatments are so important. They are what helps you eliminate those behaviors.... At least get a good hold on them.

I used to just take suboxone on the past and I never really got any better. I just didn't do opiates anymore.

I still smoked weed, drank, Ect.

So.

Fast forward to this most recent 2 year drive.... I went and still go to meetings regularly.... And they have really changed my life. I wish I would've just gone to them and taken it seriously earlier.

I know some folks bitch about suboxone but they are few and far between. Most don't care or say a Damn thing. Just keep it to yourself and others you trust.

I'm telling you... It would really improve your life. Promise.


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 10, 2013 4:43 pm 
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I'm not gonna say I don't need the meetings, but I'll say this...I had a discussion with my wife last night. She knows about me loaning and such, and she said she could get behind me staying on Suboxone if it weren't for the loaning and running out crap. With that, I know what that means in wife-speak. Means she is tired of that so I'm done and will see how things go when I do as I should.

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Adam Wayne P.
DOB: July 1, 1985
October 8, 2013

RIP little brother. Gone, but not forgotten.


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 12, 2013 7:17 pm 
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I actually had my wife sit with me and watch one of Dr. Junig's videos that he has posted. It was this video (which I'm linking to for future reference myself, so I can easily find it again)...


[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RASNQrfa3ig&list=WL0B8508981FE235F5[/youtube]

Once I showed this to her, and pointed out that he mentioned that addiction is a chronic illness...and I'll never just suddenly be "fixed" one day...and that it needs chronic treatment...she told me that she was fine with me being on it, but she didn't want me doing the same things I did when I was eating pills...like loaning, buying, selling, etc. The selling and buying, I don't do...but the loaning....
She said that's no different than what I used to do when I was eating $800/week in painkillers....and she's definitely right.
So with that, beginning this month since I just picked up my 90 yesterday...there will be no more borrowing/loaning or anything in that ballpark. She knows how much better our lives have been since she doesn't have to worry about my blowing her paycheck on pills...and my paycheck on pills...and bills being unpaid. It's discouraging when they pull up to cut your power off, and you threaten to kill the guy!! ME <-----did that. I wasn't home...and was gone to actually buy some pills one day. She calls my cell and says they are at my house to cut the electricity off. I remember this particular event because I threatened the Alabama Power guy...told him just to wait and I would be home and I'd take care of him....
Needless to say, he pulled the meter and left. I proceeded to cut the tag and turned my power back on myself...which made them put a lock on my box. Oh, the things we do when we're spaced out of our gourd....
Now, I just pay the bill each month. Works out MUCH better...no threats to kill anyone...no suddenly having to go live with my inlaws because we can't pay our bills.

As a twist of irony...my wife now works for Alabama Power...the same company that I threatened to kill one of the workers who cut my power off that day..years ago..

And as a bit more of that irony..instead of having to live with inlaws because we can't pay our bills (because of me eating pills)...now my inlaws are going to come live with us for a bit. They are having a difficult time, and we are in a situation where we can let them stay here with us...maybe help out on food and a bill once in a while...Because they are tired of paying rent @ $400/month. They'll never own the place, or have anything to show for each year's lease they sign...so they want to save some money and buy a place of their own...which makes more sense than paying rent like that..and never owning anything except a nice, expensive lease agreement.

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Adam Wayne P.
DOB: July 1, 1985
October 8, 2013

RIP little brother. Gone, but not forgotten.


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