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PostPosted: Fri Nov 19, 2010 1:32 pm 
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So I've been on suboxone for almost 2 years now and I haven't relapsed. I feel like I'm doing well in my recovery and I feel pretty damn stable.

Well, today I got some really shitty news. I was up for a job that I really wanted and I thought I was a shoe-in for it. I was excited and unfortunately I got my hopes up. So now I'm terribly disappointed. But I'm writing this because one of my first thoughts, more like a knee-jerk reaction, was I want to get high.

I'm guessing some of you have had that same reaction when things go wrong. What I'm wondering is will I have this reaction for the rest of my fucking life? Like I said, I'm really stable right now and I would think that such a reaction would would stop happening. I didn't obsess over it, nor did I think about it for very long. But now on top of my disappointment, I'm pissed off at myself for even thinking about getting high.

I really hope that over time this kind of reaction will stop happening, but since I'm an addict through and through and that will never change, will my knee-jerk reaction about getting high under stress ever change? j

What are some of your experiences? I know there are some people here that have stopped taking suboxone and are doing really well all on your own - do you have this kind of reaction, too? Maybe I just expect too much of myself.

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PostPosted: Fri Nov 19, 2010 4:44 pm 
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Its part of recovery Hat. Getting clean is just a step foward but one thing we as addicts have to work on more then anything else is how to cope with stress,bad news and anything else that may come along. When we were useing we didnt have these fellings cause we were so numb good or bad news was just news to us at that point. so in your brain even after 2 years clean your heart and sole are telling you one thing but your body is telling you another. the important thing is you realized this has happen and are able to talk about it with no problems. and this is something you have to continue to work on for the rest of your life. I can sit hear and tell you that you wont have this reaction after a couple more years on suboxone but then i would be lieing to you! Its not the meds its the person when it comes to this. and if you keep working on your copeing skills then yes it will go away but you have to keep working on it. i know you are very smart and you realize this isnt something that is gonna change over night.

as of my own ex.
Well were can i start. I have OCD so bad news to me is day or even weeks of stress cause of one bad thing that had happen to me or someone i care for. and with OCD i cant stop obsessing over it no matter how much meds i take. and this is why i smoked weed for as long as i did cause it was my copeing tool once i gave up oxy and now that i gave up weed i dont have drugs to cope any more instead i have to deal with it just like everyone else. and this makes me want to relapse all the time. But this is were my mom or gf come into play they help me realize all my hard work and one use would just set me back and the last 4 years of my life meant nothing. and hearing this is so helpfull cause they are right one bad thing in life is not worth wasteing 4 years being clean.

But what i have the most trouble with Hat is my injury! I have a knee injury and instead of takeing care of it the way i was suppost to i just took more painkillers instead. in the long run it has ruined my life do to the simple fact that my knee can give out any day any time and that pain is so bad that it brings me to tears sometimes to the er to have it poppeed back in if it doesnt pop back in itself. and this happens all the time usually it just pops back in place but i say to myself every time this happens why am i doing this to myself. i can get oxy for the rest of my life no problem so ya know its like pain and being sober or no pain what so ever. so i know what you are going threw when something bad happens.


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 19, 2010 5:01 pm 
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You're 100% right, bboy. My problem is I suck at coping. But I am better than I used to be. I cried for probably less than 5 minutes this morning, then I bitched and moaned for a while, thought about how nice it would be to numb myself (very fleeting), and then I went shopping. Yeah, I know, not the best coping skill in the world. (I didn't spend that much.) And although I'm still disappointed, well, I guess I feel better. So if I look backward I can see that even though I still don't have great coping skills they are better than they used to be.

Thanks a lot, bboy, for understanding. You said exactly what I needed to hear. :D

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-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 19, 2010 9:42 pm 
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I have no idea what you're talking about Hat. My first reaction to a stressful situation is to think: I really should head to the gym for an intense workout. Then I eat a balanced meal, meditate and take a nap.





Bah ha hahahhahahahaha.



Yeah, my brain goes to the "let's get high" place when I'm stressed. Sometimes it goes there when I'm happy. Whatever, it's just a thought, you shouldn't beat yourself up over it.

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PostPosted: Fri Nov 19, 2010 11:22 pm 
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hatmaker510 wrote:
You're 100% right, bboy. My problem is I suck at coping. But I am better than I used to be. I cried for probably less than 5 minutes this morning, then I bitched and moaned for a while, thought about how nice it would be to numb myself (very fleeting), and then I went shopping. Yeah, I know, not the best coping skill in the world. (I didn't spend that much.) And although I'm still disappointed, well, I guess I feel better. So if I look backward I can see that even though I still don't have great coping skills they are better than they used to be.

Thanks a lot, bboy, for understanding. You said exactly what I needed to hear. :D



And you will continue to get better with these skills. It takes time ya know.


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 02, 2010 12:20 pm 
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I found this post right when I needed it most.
I have 1 or 2 session left of all my classes (this is my final semester going for my BA that I put on hold for 10 years), 3 final papers (one is big- about half my grade- and I haven't started it yet) due by the 17th, one paper due tomorrow (plus 4 chapters of reading) and a website due by the 10th. It's an online class and I have no idea how to build a freaking website. Even getting around NYC is stressful for me. (If you've never been on a subway then I don't know if you can comprehend it...)
I don't mean to vent, really. It's that the stress is more than got to me already. Today I am 34 weeks and 4 days pregnant. And when I woke up this morning and took 2mg of bupe, then immediately thought about taking another 2 mg, or even taking an entire 8mg of sub, when in 3+ years the thought of abusing these pills never even crossed my mind... And then there's the baby inside me. And the thought of doing her any harm makes me feel so vulnerable, so low. How could I even think about abusing my meds?

And then I found this post. My reaction was they're just thoughts, Hat. They are just thoughts....

I'm anxious because I procrastinate. So now I ought to get back to work. (although like you, I prefer to cope by crying for a few minutes, and then shopping :wink: )


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 02, 2010 2:06 pm 
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Bupemom - I'm glad this thread was here for you when you needed it. And please DO vent around here anytime you need it. When things get stressful, like they do for all of us, turn to us - one of your support systems. That's what we/the forum are here for. I remember the stress of school. It took me about 10 years to finish myself. You'll be fine - keep at it and keep venting. Hang in there and before you know it you'll have your degree. And no one can ever take it away from you.

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-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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