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PostPosted: Wed Jun 13, 2012 6:33 am 
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Looking back at my last relationship, perhaps I didn't realise how lucky I was to have a woman who had her shit together who accepted lil old defective addict TJ in his entirety. But being accepted alone is not enough it seems, hence I had to move on. I have decided I am no longer going to settle for the first woman that's willing to overlook my "issues".

But this opens up some issues. I know this has been discussed in another thread where I painted myself to be some kinda relationship guru. But now I'm in a similar situation myself it seems I'm not so sure of myself...

I think the trick with this whole dating thing is DISHONESTY.

Can people give me any pointers or ways to keep this whole Suboxone gig a secret? Say if you're seeing someone, and it's pretty apparent that you both like each other. You're getting to a stage where you feel you can confide in each other, then she comes out with something like "My brother is a heroin addict that stuff has destroyed him. I hate drugs I can't handle having anything more to do with them. You don't do any drugs please don't tell me you do drugs."

"errr nooooooooooo. NO WAYYY. Like ... I knew some dudes in school who got into that stuff and they're like wayy messed up now etc etc"

To be honest I don't think she's the kind who would care to differentiate between an addict in recovery and an active addict. Not on a judgemental level. Moreso she has such a passionate hatred of drugs because of what they've done to her brother (understandable) that she wouldn't want anybody more with any links to drugs in her life, because of the pain they've already caused her (she's Asian and family are very close).

So this means I'm gunna have to keep this secret in the dark, which is difficult because of the daily pharmacy pickups... and this dognammed scar in the crook of my elbow "Oh that? Yeah I reached through a broken window when I was a kid." God forbid if I use again.

So what are the best lies one can tell their partner?


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 13, 2012 12:53 pm 
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I don't think anyone in your position, having to go to the pharmacy so often, could sustain a relationship for too long without telling your partner about your Suboxone use. That would be a chore in itself, and you might end up resenting her since you feel that you can't share that part of your life with her...and it's such a huge part of your life...especially right now. It's not like you have been stable on subs for years and haven't had any relapses. If that were the case, and if you could just take home your subs monthly, you might be able to cover it up for a while, and then tell her later on down the road once she saw what a good person you are and that drugs don't rule your life anymore, and that you can be a productive and 'normal' person while being on sub, and that there is no chance that you will go back to drugs.

But in your case, I think it would have to come out sooner rather than later. I personally have learned not to tell someone about my crazy drug history right off the bat, because I've done that in past relationships and it scared them away. But I do want that person to know that part of my life fairly soon after being together, because it was such a big part of shaping who I am. I wouldn't feel right if I couldn't share such a big secret with my significant other, and had to be someone I am not just to keep them. You must really like her a lot to be willing to do that. But maybe after a while, once she gets to know you better, you can come out with it.

If she is judgmental enough to leave you because of it, she's probably not the right person for you. If you do tell her eventually, you could totally downplay your heroin use and whatever else you did while you were actively using...not lie about it, but not tell her all of the gory details. Or maybe if you explain it to her by telling her that you are being proactive about your mistakes with drugs in the past, and subs are what help you stay away from that life, then she might be more accepting and open to you being on them. That way, you could be honest with her without scaring her away, and she won't feel like you kept this secret from her.

But I really think that it is important to share this with her or anyone you are in a committed relationship with, because you can't just go on forever with such a big secret, and it is not healthy for you to have secrets in a relationship anyway. If you wait too long, once it does come out, she will probably feel more betrayed by you than anything, which might lead to the one thing you were worried about and trying to prevent in the first place...her leaving. So it might be best to just think about how and what you are comfortable sharing with her, and then do it in the not so distant future.

Maybe she's not the one for you right now. She might have a knee jerk reaction to get the hell out of there at first, but once she's gone, and has time to think about it, if she cares about you enough, she might decide that this situation is not enough to keep her from having a relationship with you. And if she doesn't decide that, then it's probably best that she is not in your life right now. Who knows, maybe a little later on in the future, you might end up back together, after you have figured more things out and become more stable with your addiction? I know...that's easier said than done when you really like somebody.

I just know that I could not be with someone for very long without being able to share this with them just because I would want to feel like I can completely be myself around that person. And if they couldn't be understanding about this, then they might not be understanding about some of the other struggles that I might face later on in life. Not that I need to talk about my sub use or past drug use all day every day, but the subject does come up sometimes in life, and I would want to be able to feel like I am comfortable and safe to discuss this kind of issue with my partner...the one person that is supposed to be your safe place to land, and have your back through anything.


Last edited by Taurus on Wed Jun 13, 2012 8:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: A NOTE FROM SLIPPER....
PostPosted: Wed Jun 13, 2012 3:02 pm 
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That was well put, Taurus. I agree with you.
I have been married to the same man for 42 years....so I am not in the position to give advice here, TJ.

But I wanted to mention one thing....Before I got on drugs...I was and still am a nurse, RN....and whenever a doctor or nurse came up on charges of abusing drugs....or when I would here the term "addict"...i would just cringe...I had no tolerence for alcoholics or drug addicts...I thought they were the scum of the earth...

When my husband's heart doctor told me he was an alcoholic and went to AA, I almost died...the very idea of him taking care of my husband who had a major heart attack at 33...

Then...when I became one of them...I could not understand why nobody understood???lol They all felt about me just like I had felt about addicts before I became one...so I think if you do tell someone about your problem...be prepared for them to not understand and give you the same sympathy they would a cancer pt.!!!

I have learned a lot over the years..but the thing I hated myself most about was the view I used to have about people in addiction.

Slipper

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 13, 2012 9:02 pm 
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I think Slipper gave me the solution. If I help her become an addict, she will understand. :wink:

No seirously thanks guys for your responses. It seems that honesty is the answer. It's just a matter of ...when...


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 Post subject: TJ: Just be honest
PostPosted: Fri Jun 15, 2012 9:10 pm 
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A relationship built upon lies is like a house without a foundation. The best advice is to just be honest and if they're not willing to accept you for who you are, then you're with the wrong person. There's plenty of fish out there, don't lie about a huge aspect of your life and your past or you'll find yourself alone in the future.



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 Post subject: Tough one.
PostPosted: Sun Jun 17, 2012 10:35 pm 
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TJ,
Mi understand your delimma. You really like someone and want to be honest with them..on the other hand, you don't want to scare her away with our burdens..sticky sticky! If you are a religious person, I'd say that piste. To God and let him lead you to the right decision/person. If not, all I can say is that if things get real serious you will have to be honest eventually..but if you can fall in love with you while on Suboxone, it will be that much easier to drop the bomb later. Good luck!


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 18, 2012 4:03 am 
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Thanks guys.

Perhaps I will do some the old prayer and meditation on the issue. I'm not particularly religious, but I have my own spiritual beliefs.

For now I'm just going with the flow, running on the principle that she hasn't asked, so I have no need to tell.


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 6:02 pm 
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I have met plenty of girls who are not addicts but accept me for exactly who I am. It's a lot nicer having that than having to lie, lying is something I did when I was using, so I'd like to stay away from it now. Currently the girl i'm with even goes to meetings with me, never even tried drugs other than pot and drinking herself. She's interested in being in my life, all parts of it.
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 9:14 pm 
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Okay I think I've felt my way around this situation somewhat.

I think the solution is to have more than one girlfriend... That way if when the time comes and the truth is discovered and she cracks the shits and runs away ... then you still have options.


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 9:32 pm 
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You are, quite possibly, the wisest man I know!!! :lol:

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 01, 2012 12:01 pm 
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T.J. I think you have covered all your bases there buddy. Just think of it as a stress elimination technique...having a back up plan is always a good idea!

Seriously, I do agree somewhat with those who say you need to be honest with her. But really in my mind that is only if you plan on having a serious, long term relationship. If you are just having fun and riding it out till it ain't fun no more...then just do what works for you. Sorry if that offends anyone....but it doesn't sound like you were planning on this being a long term thing from what I read so......you just do your thing buddy!

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 01, 2012 10:13 pm 
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I've kinda been a bit flippant in this thread, embellishing the truth a bit to make things more fun to read. The reality is a few weeks back I opened myself up to seeing people again, so these issues of disclosure surfaced.

I think ur right qhorsegal in that it's not that important for them to know unless something serious is on the cards. And there was one woman I was starting to like a lot and there were signs she was feeling the same, so I kinda drip-fed her parts of my past and she was surprisingly okay. It's as if I kinda "hit a wall" in how many feelings I can invest in a person if I don't tell em the truth about me. We were kinda progressing pretty quick and things were getting intense so I let her know a few things. Funny thing is she's a nurse so she's more clued on, and maybe even tolerant of such things, than many others.

The night after I told her stuff about my past, she showed a photo of me to one of her nurse friends and apparently she was like "I knowwww that guy from somewhere" ... "He was in that detox when I was on my student nursing placement!" When I found that out I had a mini-freakout that all her friends were advising her what a bad idea it is to be going out with a guy like me. I found her friend on facebook and was trying to fish out whether it was one of the detoxes where I was on my best behaviour or whether I was "Bad TJ". Apparently she had no bad memories and she wasn't judgemental at all, which was a relief.

Anyway to be continued.


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 01, 2012 11:33 pm 
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TJ:

I've been married to the same woman for 14 years now (we just had our 14 year anniversary on June 6 ...so we just hit 14 years)...

It's been a rollercoaster for sure with us. We split (pills) got back together (I was really high and able to smooth-talk my way back)...then we split...(pills) and smooth-talked again (really high)....

I think, in all, we split 3 times in the past 14 years. The last time we split, it was going to be it. She had seen enough, and had her fill of me and my BS...so we went to a lawyer. We even PAID the lawyer, in full, for the divorce.
This was when I had started into Suboxone...and I was starting to come around to my emotions and the REAL side of life that I had been hiding with pill-highs...so things were really..taking a toll on me. I became a person with suicidal thoughts, but I finally got turned around, with Suboxone treatment...and once I quit Oxys for good, the thoughts turned from that into getting my life straight...no matter WHO I was with. But I missed my wife, and I missed my kids. So I did what I had to do..and I got her back, for good.

She's been privy to all my issues, and is very much involved with my treatment. The only thing she isn't fond of is me staying on suboxone for an undetermined amount of time...but she's VERY much more keen to that than she is the risk of me returning to the previous lifestyle that I was in....so there aren't any problems between us regarding Suboxone..but she has expressed her desire to see me stop Suboxone at some point. I've talked with her over it, but it's not a daily discussion and it's not something that we have issues over...she and I just discuss it, as a married couple would discuss bills or something the kids have done...

I'm definitely not the person to give relationship advice though...but I do know what it takes to keep a marriage strong...and first and foremost, is TRUST!! Trust goes a long way...so keeping things truthful and honest is the only way to build a good foundation. Just remember that above all else.

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 02, 2012 12:10 am 
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Thanks Jonathanm.

The only thing she doesn't know about at this point is the Suboxone. I'm really unsure how she'll take it, because in the eyes of most people being on Sub is closer to using than not being on Sub. Really unsure what to do about that at this point, but I think it's time to take things slower anyway. We're hardly exclusive at this point so there's some security in knowing there's options.


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 02, 2012 7:32 pm 
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My wife's a nurse and one thing I learned real quick is that most people in the medical circles she ran with had a very negative (often times incorrect) view of suboxone.. They all believed it should be outlawed.. I've been able to talk to my wife about it a little, so she's sorta warming up to the idea of it but all the drs & nurses she works with (and trusts) are dead set against it!!

I found that to be a little odd at first since the majority of patients they deal with have some sort of addiction to deal with but I guess they have their reasons.. Might wanna feel her out first..lol.. These folks had me downright terrified to even bring it up with them..haha..


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 02, 2012 10:31 pm 
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Maybe it's different where I'm from. I have some doctors in my family and have told many GP's, and doctors when I'm in hospital about my history and being on Sub and the response has been pretty accepting. The couple of times they weren't accepting was with one particular psychiatrist, and an addiction doctor and AA member in a rehab who tried to take me off my mood-stabilisers against the advice of my psychiatrist and who did famous 1 week reductions to get people off high doses of methadone.

Honestly this girl and I have gotten so intense over the last week or two that I could probably tell her I like dressing up in her underwear and taking photos of myself ... and she'd try to be understanding. My previous girlfriend was accepting of me busting on drugs occasionally, namely coke and MDMA ... I don't think this one would have a BAR of it.


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 08, 2012 12:45 pm 
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In what has been possibly the most intense romantic game of cat and mouse I've ever endured ... I spilled the beans about the Sub. She couldn't care. Something like "I want the person I've known if that person's on Suboxone I couldn't care".

At the same time, she doesn't really know what Sub is sooo ... we'll leave it like that :)

tj out.


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