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 Post subject: Keep it or Die
PostPosted: Tue Dec 21, 2010 1:05 pm 
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I have posted numerous threads asking questions and trying to research why i was having so much trouble getting back on my subs, i SUFFERED thru 2 precipated WD's in my failed attemps in the past 2 wks, I have never had this problem prior and had induced hundreds of times ( not proud to say ) over the past 5 yrs. I was given the gift of desperation once again which has saved my life so many times, I won't give up on suboxone and plan to really give it everything i have this time in reclaiming some type of control and sanity back in my life. I am so close to losing everything again, and well i just feel like this is it for me, I have blown over $30,000 in my arm in the last 5 months! I have run my buisness to the ground and in need of medical attention due to absesses on my arm but am too afraid of losing my script so i deal with them my way,theres one that is bad and i may not have a choice but ill wait till i get a fever before i risk my sub script by goin to the E.R. I look very sick which is sad because I am really a good looking kid, this shit has just taken everything from me, This addiction has kicked my ass for over 10 yrs now and I'm tired.
I remember my dad telling me " The spirit is strong, The flesh is weak" He told me alot of things,Of coarse i never listened to my parents who tried everything in their power to help me then and now but when it comes down to it a addict has to really want it for themselves. I beleive there are a few reasons i am a addict, theres of coarse my chemical make-up, environment, and choices i've made along the way to get me here. Did i choose to be a HEROIN ADDICT? Did i choose to be a pill poppin maniac? Theres alot of illogical things we do to ourselves as addicts which have a residual effect on keeping us sick because we hate ourselves towards the end, and its hard to forgive yourself for something u dont even understand yourself. I mean why the fuck would i decide to stick a needle in my Arm when i already knew i had a addictive personality,because i want to be a bum and destroy anything and everything i ever loved in my world? No! Thats a question that hurts and idk if there is a answer. I was introduced to Mary Jane at 10 yrs old and started replacing my Dad's vodka with water probably arpund the same time, then I tried what all my friends were trying X ,L>S>D,SHROOMS,COKE,PCP,CRACK,CRANK and then i found a MORPHINE!!! a drip due to a surgery i had and i was in HEAVEN! I remember it was beautiful! My new Best FRIEND and i just knew this is what i had been missing in my life, I pressed the release button on the remote they gave me, they told me to push the button if i started to feel uncomfortable, lmao ...I pressed that damn button as much as i could until i just heard my heart moniter beep slower an slower feeling pure LOVE and then HOLYSHIT! I cant breathe and i would awake for a violent gasp of air, after doing this for who knows how long, drifting in and out of reality lost in my new-founded happiness, my nurse soon walked in on one of these violent breathing episodes ," What r u trying to kill yourself !" she screams, Umm NO Im just in so much Pain of coarse i slurred like any good addict would ,anywhoo i was there a few days and went home with a generous script of 5 mg PERCOCET and well this made me feel very similar to that lil piece of heaven i had earlier, i had done every drug i could get my hands on up to that point but it was all just for fun you know, I remember taking a shower and just beleiving i found the meaning to life! I felt so good, how could i of been missing this the whole time! All that acid i ate, beer or liquoir i threw up, all the coke i smoked or sniffed, nothing! nothing came remotely close to where these pills brought me, I was where the flowers grow and i knew i would never have to feel empty again. It was gone in 2 or 3 days and of coarse i had to get something stronger because they simply wernt enough pills there to keep me HIGH all day! I remember the look on my DR's face when i went in about a wk later for a checkup, I told him how i blew thru my script and needed more, I should have taken that look for what it was (concern) but he gave me my script and another and another, i got bumped up to 10mg and stayed on them for around 3 to 4 months, he finally cut me off one day and i was devastated, I wish with all my heart my relationship with opiates ended right there but i was still only in the introduction of my disease AND YES i said disease, a chronic disease which spreds like a cancer and kills if its not treated. I remember like yesterday the first night i acknowleged something was wrong with me, I mean i grew up on the streets i wasnt ignorent but i was no fuckin drug ADDICT, ( mind u the first halfway house i went to i was like 14! ) I thought i had that shit i seen on T.v, Restless Leg SYNDROME lol if i had only knew what was instore for me, o i wish i had known. You know ego is a very dangerous thing for an addict, it can actually kill u. I just kept taking my pills because ,well, thats what i do, I work hard pop a few pills, I'm living my life the way I WANT I suffered alot of consequences throughout the years up to this point due to my druguse and definately from the way i drank. I spent multiple yrs in and out of jubvenille facilities, I was in and out of the E.R because i would get beat up or hurt somehow in a blackout, I became a ward of the state, I got kicked out of highschool 2 years in a row and had to resort to getting a G>E>D, lost an awesome job my dad got for me,I got my BRAND NEW Car Reposessed, lost the first love of my life, got kicked out of my parents house, and dropped out of college before I was 21 and still it was everyone elses fault and i was a victem of some kind. More importantly i was losing ME and i had no idea! even after all the shit that happen i always had some reason or excuse why, but it was never ME, No way was i to blame. I left DOPECITY and traveled the UNITED STATES for 4 awesome crazy years, working hard,playing harder. I would have to say i lived out alot of my dreams at such a young age and have always been grateful for being able to do so. I kept that job for 4 years spending most of my time in CALI and loving every min of it, but well it was getting old traveling all the time and not having a normal life like i always dreamed of, so i took the money i saved and went back to DOPECITY. Once home i discovered my family had litterally fallen apart! The first wk i got home i was home alone with mom and she tried to kill herself by taking a bottle of pills, I'll never forget that day, I broke the bathroom door after getting no response back from her, I remember taking alot of the pills and putting them in my pocket before the medics got there, it was a impossable shock and i couldnt beleive what happen, I suppose I barried that with all the other shit u put off to the side because it just hurts too bad to look at, and it was even a better reason to make myself numb and oblivious to my realities. I found my moms pills and fed my desire to hide from all this fear of well, i didnt even know anymore because i never dealt with anything in my life, I just put it off to the side, just like i did with my addiction in the beginning one time or another, put it to the side. My folks moved out of state and gave me a generous amount of money before leaving. With the money i saved on the road and the money i just got i ran thru about $30,000 in 3 months, had a habit from HELL that i could no longer afford and things were out of control, I was a mess and had to find new avenues to funding this monster.In the midst of this chaotic time i met the mother of my soon to be daughter, and she was the one who pushed my clouds away, I loved her and she loved me, my chemical dependency seemed miles away when i was with her ( of coarse i was high as a kite ) She was the complete oppisite of me, Perfect! Beautiful,intelligent,strong but needy,and most important of all she was straight edge!! We were gonna be together forever u know? Wow Life was good and i knew exactly where i was going; ANYWHERE with her... She got pregnant unexpectantly and we were undecided or i should say she was undecided on what to do. She had no idea about my raging drug-habit, shit i had not even accepted it even after Halfway Houses, Jails, Losing one of my best friends,being the BLACKSHeep of the family, I could go on all fuckin night about what that shit took from me even then, but i just couldnt see it which still pisses me off everytime i think of it. The fact is i begged her to have this child, I knew it was meant to be, I knew it was my way out of whatever i had been trying to get out of, I always had a hole inside my soul and the pills worked great for years but i needed more and more and it never stopped like a tittle wave of destruction and everything around would feel its wrath, I filled it with everything i thought could fill it but nothing worked, nothing ever filled that hole unless it was something that made me forget about it, but it was time and i finally had something bigger than just me to live for,I was gonna have a family! My very own! Time to become a man, leave the foolishness for the fools u know,I loved this girl and i wanted so much for us, I always assumed I could stop if i so chose, well i stopped a couple nights and DAMN that RLS shit again?? I would get high again and then decide ok tonight is he night and DAMN that rls shit again!,I would kick thru the night and even sleep on the couch sometimes because it would bother my girl,well i took some oc's or perk whatever i had at the time one night and it went away, i was baffled and terrified because i knew deep down i had a serious problem and i couldnt stop by myself, I knew people got sick from not having their drugs but this feeling was not right! This couldnt be it!! Hell No! SO I just barried it so deep it would take losing everything multiple times to dig that truth out and embrace it, accept it. It didnt matter what it looked like on the outside because i knew i was dying inside, I was sick overnight it seemed, once i accepted i had at least aquired a physical dependence my life changed completly for the worse. At that time i was probably doing around 200 mgs a day for yrs, whatever i could get my hands on, as long as it was a opiate.My daughter was born and i decided I was all done, I mean i just watched the birth of my lil princess, It was beautiful, she was beautiful. I went to detox , It was gonna change my life and i would be cured! . I came out just as sick as when i went in. I was full of fear because for the first time other then flying in a plane, I felt i had absoultely no control what so ever of my life and my days fate depended on if i had enough drugs to keep me well, I tried to stop so many times I have done things i never dreamed of like alot of us have and it hurts. I have been to jail, I have been to institutions, I have overdosed, I have lost many friends and family due to this awful disease, I have lost my little girl and her mom because of the HELL i put them thru, I have LOST<LOST>LOST!!! and all this crutch/addiction i sacraficed all that i loved for,has only left scars, some scars on my arms, scars on my heart, scars on all the people who ever loved me. I have done longterm treatment, in and out of detox's for years, I tried every way i could dream of to stop on my own. I've been in the program of N.A and A.A for years but never got involved enough to keep my sobriety for more than a few 24 hrs because there message was there but i couldnt get rid of the monkey on my back long enough to physically detox. I will never forget the day i lost my family, I was at a holding facility waiting to go to longterm treatment, I was on the phone with the LOVE of my LIFE (daughters mother) and i was telling her how sick i was still after even 15 days! My habit had jumped to this point of an excess of 500 mgs a day, along with being on street methadone, the W.D was relentless. She told me if i walked out the doors i would lose them forever!!!! I hung up the phone in tears knowing that i wasnt the one in control, and i packed my bags with very little money in my pocket slamming the door behind me, slamming that door was slamming the door on my whole life! my families life, that little innocent girl i love so much.....her life., Happy B-day daddy ! I beleive she was 2 at the time i left, it was my birthday that day, I beleive i was 26 yrs old, homeless,little money,no hope,nothing left but me and my drugs.I had always held my own, and stood on my own 2 feet, I never felt weak even though everything around me always fell apart but i had to face my reality, It was no longer that rush of Heaven and meaningful friend to me, it turned its back and took a violent grip of everything i held dear and flushed it down the toilet... I really had no where to go, it dawned on me that day that i grew up in this city for 20 something years and had no where to go, I felt alone as if I were the only junky in the world wandering in no paticular direction, I thought about my dreams before I married into this family of thieves and murderers, I thought about my spirit and how bad i wanted freedom from this bondage, I thought about how weak i was in the flesh and how it physically kicked my ass, how i wanted a choice back when i opened my eyes in the morning, I wanted my family back! I wanted me back, but how? Things always get worse before they get better, that next run lasted 6 months or so and i worked my ass off, hustled, did what i had to do to feed my habit but it was never enough, it never is when your spending 80 dollars a pill and u need 5 a day. we know its never enough. I worked long shifts,I robbed, I stole, I cheat, I beat, I didnt give a fuck who i hurt or what consequences i would have to face, all i knew is i had to survive, and for me that was supporting my habit. . A lot of things happen over those 6 months, finally it took someone almost dying and i would of been the one going down for it that woke me up, even though it was really just another crazy day for a junky, something made me think that day, something scared me.I couldnt spend the rest of my life in a cell, and it was coming down to just that, I also truly beleived if i could just get my shit together i still had a chance at getting my family back, As i sit here and write this i think of the reason why i am writing it?? Is it to reflect somewhat on the mess of a life i created for my-self? Or maybe someone else can read it in somehow benefit? probably not, never stopped me from sticking a needle in my arm, reading and watching all the horror stories of what could happen to you. I went thru 32 days of not sleeping and running a fuckin marathon in my bed! after going into detox that time,RLS sent from the devil himself.I was kicking street methadone and liquid morphine i had been sucking down the past month from a score,I KICKED and made it thru those agaonizing 32 days and nights, I called mom crying, insisting i must had done some type of perminent damage and i couldnt sleep anymore and I definately did some type of nerve damage due to the RLS, after not sleeping for about 10 days everything seems slow and dream-like, a nightmare u cant wake up from I prayed so much that month, I would beg for his strength thru the nights and pray for the strength to make it thru the days, the worst part of my days were anticapating my hell which waited for me each night, I suffered something fierce then it was over. I remember the sleep i got that 33rd day and how thankful i was even if it were just for an hr or two of sweaty dreams. I had alot of things that helped me throughout that month of suffering when i recall,my daughter would come on wk-ends and no-matter how bad i felt physically or mentally it was always a breath of fresh air and added to my mission of kicking this monkey, she gave me hope that there was a chance, and that was all i needed at that point, was a purpose to keep going. I fell down all those times to just get back up stronger, No Pain No Gain. I got around 5 months of tottal sobriety after that kick. It was indeed traumatizing and not being able to sleep for that long is litterally torture. Its crazy how we can forget how bad it gets, how bad it hurts, how much it takes and sucks from us. I relapsed because i couldnt accept the wrekage of my past, I never did get my family back, I didnt love myself enough to do it for me, I gave in and ran back to my dark friend who was so bittersweet, i statred mainlining and opened pandora's box, Life seems so mysterious in its wealth, I opened my own buisness in the midst of juggling my habit and being on the bone. It gave me just enough stability to achieve a income more which fit my lifestyle more, now i could afford my $200.00/day habit and things still looked manegable on the outside. Its never enough and in my theory i started using so much that getting back on my suboxone started to become a problem, I would seem to be so sick just after 5 or 6 hrs and would try to take my sub like before but it would throw me into P.W'd! I can never go thru that 32 days again and fear it more than death itself sometimes.I have been on and off subs for the past 5 yrs and it always worked, Its given me a chance to start my own buisness and get toys and put the kid in private school, but i used it as a crutch instead of a tool, It will only last for so long folks, I induced last night successfully and am soo grateful, I dont wish precipated WD on my worst enemy, it is horrable. I have suffered my share! I really hope i can keep what i have this time, I have had so many chances, and an addict only has so many! Sticking a needle in my arm was by far the worst decision i have ever made in my life. 30 yrs old now, work for myself, I have a beautiful lil girl who loves me and misses me, the only thing i have been to her and her mom is a paycheck the past 2 yrs and it hurts badd, this past relapse brought me to my knees and i am scared to death of picking up again because it took all the strength i had this time just to get back on my subs, nevermind kicking all together. Progression is real, and while we may not be in active addiction our addiction is live and well inside us waiting for us to slip up, and bet ur ass its been doing pushups in the parking lot, I thought it was all bullshit too, beleive me, but its no game. This is Life or Death. I was using 3 G's a day of some good, 6 hrs after my last half g shot i took 60 mgs of percocet, from there i went about 14 hrs, it was not easy but well worth the wait. I just waited honestly till i couldnt wait anymore, i didnt need any cow scale, I just made sure i had all the symptoms and embraced them as long as i could. lol sry i know this was long but it kept my mind busy and Im not poking myself today!


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 21, 2010 1:39 pm 
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Thanks for sharing more of your story. You've definitely been through quite a lot. And I'm thrilled to hear that your inductiojn went smoothly. Good on you. You see your doctor this week - or is it next week? Either way, I'm sure it will go well. You have much determination and that will help you in your remission/recovery. Keep up the good work.

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 Post subject: wow
PostPosted: Tue Dec 21, 2010 2:23 pm 
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Danny, i just wanted to comment on your story and thank you for sharing that. It isn't easy...going through the hell, then really looking at it and then sharing it with us. The honesty you have about yourself and that insight is going to save you I believe. We all go through these things...our stories manifest differently but we have all the same struggles...some greater, some with more losses..and I do not mean to diminish what you have gone through because it has been complete hell. You have lost so much but mostly you have lost yourself. How we get here, to this forum, is completely mind boggling sometimes. The power of our addictions still amazes me. It grabbed a hold of you and held on. I really pray you are able to remain on the Sub and give your life a chance. You sound like you have the ability to really turn this around, get your business back, really be present for your little girl and maybe even your daughter's mother. I hope so for your sake. Just keep playing that tape all the way through...if you use what is the end result for you? I had to do that in early recovery a lot....like you said, One is too many, a thousand never enough. I remember going through w/d from fentanyl a long time ago and having a dream that my entire basement was filled with fentanyl. In my dream I thought I had hit the lottery. How sick is that? That with everything in my life at that time what I most wanted was fentanyl. UGH. I never dreamed I'd stick a needle in my arm. And then that became actually a fun part of my ritual. I hate even saying that, its so demented. You've said what we all felt when we first found opiates....where have you been all my life? I'm home. I'm free. I'm....whatever lie our addict brain tells us. IT's CRAP. Remember that! It's a lie. Opiates serve a good purpose...for some....but not for us. For us they are evil.
Your story helps us all remember what it was like...it helps keep us on track...I hope whenever you start feeling the urge to go back out you pull your story up and read it first. Promise yourself that you will do that. Give yourself 5 minutes before making a move towards use. Enough to snap out of your thought process and remain in recovery.
Keep on moving forward....keep talking about it....I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say we want you to succeed.


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 21, 2010 2:31 pm 
Holy WoW!! I am floored by your story!! You have truly been through hell and back and then back to hell, and might i say welcome back from hell. Man oh man, this story by far is really something and i dont really know anything to say other than, wow!! I really hope you stick around and get yourself out of this nightmare!! Its so worth it even if it doesnt seem that way yet. It will get better!! Good things come to those who wait. This is definitely something that has to be patiently waited for. Its a rough and deadly disease that kills the very richest as well as the very poorest. Its just sad sad sad. Your story has helped me remember how bad it truly is. I cant say that my story is as detailed as yours but i've definitely got a story similar in devastation. I just havent found the energy to type out my full story. Im gonna have to write mine down on paper then type it. Thats easiest for me because im bad at thinking or remembering things on the spot. Drugs have damaged my mind horribly but sub has made it possible to live and feel "normal" again. Thats why i am so gung ho about sub. Oh, your doctor wont see any of those things you were talking about, absesse's or whatever you called them? Or does she know about them? Just curious. Well, congragulations on making the choice to get your life back and i hope everything goes well for you thursday at the doctor!! Everything from here is a forward moment.


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 21, 2010 3:25 pm 
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Thanks for posting! One suggestion: break your posts into paragraphs: huge blocks of type are a bear to read!


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 Post subject: Day 2!
PostPosted: Tue Dec 21, 2010 3:39 pm 
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Its been 2 days since ive jammed a point in my arm and although the obsession is still strong the alternative is death for me, I dont have another relapse in me. I really feel like the next time i pick up it will be the last, i dont think i can keep climbing out of that hole ive put so much blood,sweat,tears,& time into digging. I 've dug too deep and i felt so close to just lying there and wasting away just days ago! Suboxone truly saved this addicts life a few times. I am nervous about my appointment thursday with my DR and drugtest because my last use of H was Sunday morning and took 60 mgs of perk around 2p.m the same day, which im not worried about, I am however questioning the zanex i took to help me thru W'D while waiting to induce, ive heard mixed things on how long it stays in the your urine. I can only pray everything worksout and hope that doing the next right thing for my recovery will lead me to where im supposed to be. My job shares alot of downtime which leaves me alone with my worst enemy.....ME.. This forum has come into my life at the right time and I am also trying to show my face again in the halls of A.A and N.A, which gives me strength, being able to think clearly has also given me a fighting chance for recovery, while using i was either in a nodd, or wasting my time trying to catch one. Buisness is really slow and i know i have damaged my repbutation in town which i will have to work so hard to restore as i live in a small town. I will be very lucky to survive this financial crisis stemming from my active addiction. It was so stong this time, I was possessed like to just destroy everything around me once again, o! how i pray i dont lose all i have worked so hard for. Its crazy how we could spend so much time and effort re-building our lives but if we arent careful in rebuilding ourselves inside we risk losing everything in a matter of months, when it took years to build! how do u keep recovering from that? Most don't and thats the honest truth i have to remember. Do i wanna be just another statistic? How many junkies r able to send their kid to private school? Its a great deal of luck my friends and chance that provided this and its so close to being swept away with all the other wrekage of my past, that i could not face. I will not let it take that! I am so determined this time to put this monster to sleep. I feel so guilty and recognize its been keeping me sick this whole time! I mean u can see these things in other people but its really hard to see for yourself sometimes.....I hate myself, with a vengence, like something fierce i hate ME! for all the tears and years i put my loves thru, for the memories ive scarred my young daughter with, so nieve, let me tell you kids remember shit!!!! My daughter is 6 now and she remembers stuff from when she was 2! vividly which i find remarkable cuz i cant remember shit beyond 6, idk maybe its all the drugs or suppressed memory. The point is i cant hate myself and love my daughter at the same time, its not possiable! I have to forgive myself, I have to love myself before i can really truly love anyone else. I havent dealt with losing them, It seems like yesterday and its been 3 yrs. Im just so very thankful to be alive today and not throwing $200.00 in my arm. This seemed so far away from me just 3 days ago, and for the first time i was sincerley afraid for my life, It took a death grip on me this time and i couldnt kick it off! even with sub i was hopeless. Its the help from this forum and some very important people still in my corner and the man up-stairs of coarse i owe this new founded happiness once again!! Freedom from the bondage of having to do a rinse every morning just to gather enough strnegth to go give the dopeman my lifesavings. The vicious cycle that never ends until that gift of desperation shows its face once again. I could almost see everyone at my funeral, shaking their heads as if they knew it was just a matter of time, and the empty look on my daughters face, confused and dazed as her mom tries to explain daddy will never be around ever again and why. I can see myself there screaming im not ready to go, screaming for another chance, screaming for mercy on my daughters broken heart.......That's my alternative


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 Post subject: She dnt know
PostPosted: Tue Dec 21, 2010 3:51 pm 
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As u know we r masters in disguise, i have pulled the sheets over Docs head for over 2 years now! I am not proud to say and look where it got me! but she has no idea about my arms, she never checks them, although they do take my blood-pressure and I'm sure that could create a problem pain wise because my arms hurt like hell but with a little make-up it won't be visable, at least on the arm i give them lol ( so not funny ) I am in alot of pain but have been here before and they always eventually go away. They do leave little bumps which im unsure of the medical terminolgy for this condition but as long as its not life threating I'll roll with the punches becuz losing my script of subs is life threating for me. If throwing myself into this forum and spending every momment occupying my mind is what it takes to get me thru the first couple wks then thats what it takes. I've also been here before and know feelings come like the wind for an addict with little clean time and if im not very careful i could be feeling the complete oppisite of my ambition. Its reassuring to hear that the zanex wont show up, thanks


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 21, 2010 4:03 pm 
Holy wow you are breakin me down with this stuff!! Seriously, i feel for you and your situation!! You have so much truth and reality in what your saying that it scares me. Its all so very true and if peoples mind could only allow them to remember these things i dont think anybody would have a drug problem. These are the things that get shoved to the back of your mind when the thought of your DOC enters your brain. Its unfreakin real how this disease tears through people like a tornado. I just thank god every day that i am still alive because i have been on deaths door step quite a few times myself. Im just kinda rambling now so i'll stop. Anyways, i definitely enjoy hearing your story. I dont like what you've been through because nobody should ever have to experience those things. Im really glad your here and alive to share your story and also gain success and be the person you are meant to be!! Congragulations for making such a big step toward recovery!!

As for the xanax, i would not sugarcoat it or lie to you. I promise you, those xanax will be long gone before thursday. You would have to take a handful for days in a row for it to really stay in your system. Even then, they will be out of you in no time. Just drink water and keep doing what your doing. You will be just fine. Benzo's only take 2 or 3 days, 4 days tops. Like i said, unless you've been taking handfuls a day for like a week straight.


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 21, 2010 5:02 pm 
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Hi danny,

We spoke several times while you had another thread up and theres one thing I want to mention to you. If I were you I would be taking the suboxone a minimum of 3 times per day and probably 8mg each time. The reason I say this is I remember you mentioning that you were on 4mg only and that the H blew right past the sub.

I would like to see you on a high dose and then if you experience some weakness, it might 'protect' you.

I am certainly no doctor, it's just a thought I had?

Please, post on this forum every other minute if it helps you. That's what it's here for! Post like a madman, I do!


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 21, 2010 5:42 pm 
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Danny, Nice to meet you I'm Queenie, the grandma of the forum here.

I want to say my heart aches for you. My goodness what you have been through!

But that is over. No more. Now you have a chance to start again. It's never too late, shoot look at me hooked on painkillers, a 68 yr. old gray haired lady. It can happen to anybody.

You can write all you want.. I don't have much to do all day so you can write & I will read and answer if you want. I don't know much about all drugs but I can try to help.

Be strong and I'm sure everyone here will help you through this.

Love, Queenie


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 21, 2010 5:46 pm 
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Joined: Thu Nov 25, 2010 6:39 pm
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Danny,

I know you have talked about your dr before but I cannot remember what the story is with her. You said you are afraid she will drop you if you tell her the truth? It seems odd, but I know it happens, that a dr. who is helping addicts will drop them for relapsing...I don't know your whole story and I apologize if you've already written about it. It would just be so much better if you could get antibiotics for your abscesses if needed, make sure you are taking good care of yourself and also being upfront with her about what has been happening. I know it might not be possible if she will pull your Rx and I agree Sub for you is going to save your life so not having it is not really an option. I just hate to see you suffer needlessly.

Xanax should be out of your system by your test if you don't have liver function issues. The half life is about 16 hours.

You said one thing...about your reputation and your business....but what I think could really happen for you is that here you are, getting back on track, and you remain in recovery, begin to feel better, and can function better, get healthy, build your business back, your relationships....and in a small town especially you could be such a role model for others...for kids who are struggling...if people know your story and then see how you are in recovery and the trust is built back up all the way around look what success that is! We hear about these stories all the time....people have lost everything but get into recovery and rebuild and become useful and helpful and strong members of their communities. Why can't that be you, too? It can and I bet it will as long as you stay on track. I think there is a lot we can do when we recover...in fact I know it. I believe most addicts are very smart, intuitive, caring people and when we are in a place that is healthy that core part of us can come back again. You are not defined by your addiction. It is what is going on with you, not WHO you are. WHO you are is a guy, a business man, a father, and other things that are positive...right? That is you.

Hold your head up and keep moving forward. Try not to let the ignorant people judge you...don't take that on...it's their stuff.

Day two...you're getting there. Keep moving forward.


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 21, 2010 7:31 pm 
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I, too, hope that you can get your doctor to put you on a higher dose. It's my opinion that 4 mg is simply way too low for your needs. I think you've decided not to tell your doctor about the relapse, and I honestly don't blame you. I know honesty is the best, but you would be seriously risking your sub treatment. Maybe in order to increase your dose you can tell her that the cravings are too much and you feel you need a higher dose. But again, I'm no doctor, this is strictly my opinion. I only want to see suboxone helping you. And like Romeo said, you need enough in your system so you know that the sub will block any H. Keep that determination you have right now.

What if you made a list of all the consequences of your drug abuse? And another list of the things you could get back if you stay on the sub. Just a thought I had

Good luck!

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PostPosted: Tue Dec 21, 2010 7:51 pm 
lifesaver wrote:
. Benzo's only take 2 or 3 days, 4 days tops. Like i said, unless you've been taking handfuls a day for like a week straight.
That isnt true realy, youve probably seen me say it but I tested positive for 32 days on probation after ingesting pure phenazepam powder. It has a the longest half life of any of the benzos (60 hours) though so thats a bit different Im just saying. The info on benzos makes it seem like they will be in and out of your system very fast but they can be tricky and hang around much longer than anticipated. Drinking water wont realy help unfortunately. I had taken 200mgs of that phenaz in 3 days on accident because I had amnesia after taking so much of it and apparently I just kept dosing and dosing and dosing and lost recollection of about 5 days, I freakin woke up in jail with a battery charge and had no idea how I got there and had to stay in a cell on 24 hour lockdown and they wouldnt give me my suboxone so I had to withdrawal in there it was hell. Anyways even with drinking loads of water daily and putting on like 5 layers of sweatshirts and coat over it and sweat pants under my jeans I would run a couple miles basicaly killing myself to get my body to just pour sweat it still didnt make it leave my system in less than a month. I thought I could sweat it out of my system and then flush my body with water but it didnt help its crazy. His situation is less extreme but Ive seen situations where one 2mg xanax stayed in my buddys system for a week and he failed a probation drug test. I dont know his time frame because theres no way I was gonna read that huge wall of text in his post lol


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 21, 2010 8:47 pm 
Man i've passed for xanax in 3 days but im 6'2 and only way 165. Xanax has a short half life. Im only speaking from my experience so im definitely not just pulling it out of my ass or making it up to make you feel better. If i thought you were going to fail the test i would tell you. I think it has a bit to do with your metabolism also. I am 110% positive i passed for xanax in 3 days. I remember like it was yesterday. People said i would pass but i didnt believe them, either way the addict in me told me to take it anyways so i did and i passed it just as i was told i would. Im prescibed klonopin and it doesn stay in you no time either. Benzo's dont stick around, in me anyways. I just dont know how i could be any different from anyone else. Thats why i said what i said. I know friends that use to pass for benzo's within a couple days for probation drug test. Phenazapam has a freakin super long half life as you mentioned. And you took a shit load. This guy has taken, hasnt taken a shit load and ii think he said it was saturday or sunday when he took xanax last. Thursday afternoon is when he has to take the test. I guarantee you he passes it. Unless im special and drugs pass through me faster than everybody else but i highly doubt.


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 24, 2010 9:09 am 
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No time to post anything detailed today, but just wanted to say two things:

1. Thanks for sharing your story

2. Your dose is way too low, and should probably be triple what you are now taking (imho)

Good luck!


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