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PostPosted: Mon Dec 22, 2014 8:14 am 
One Month or More
One Month or More

Joined: Fri Jun 20, 2014 8:35 pm
Posts: 33
Hi Awesome People!

My name is Sage. I'm a female in my mid 30s. I had been on Suboxone for almost seven years (6 years and 10.5 months to be exact). I've been posting around, mostly in the Stopping Suboxone section.

My DOC was heroin and I used on and off for about 13 years. After many rehab attempts, starting over, getting a job, buying a car, building a life, then I'd use once, then a month later use again, then two weeks later again, and that time span kept getting shorter and shorter. Then I would destroy everything in my path- crash the car, usually get fired from the job, either get evicted or my boyfriend would kick me out. Go to rehab and then repeat. Sometimes it would be years before I touched heroin again, but inevitably, it would happen, and the cycle began again. Then I went to a ministry for the third time in Beach Lake, PA after detox and stated there (went there three separate times over the years, the first time for 2.5 months, the second for 6 months, the third was in 2007 and I stayed for about 5.5 months, this place is so different than all of the other rehabs I went to, on so many levels and such a beautiful property to recover in). Then I moved to another state, knowing if I went back to my home state I would likely repeat what I had done so many times before, even if it took a while.

I relapsed driving back to my old state within a few months. This time, I fell unconscious and hit my back on the bathtub rail in some guys apartment and stayed unconscious in a really weird position for hours. When I woke up I had no feeling at all in my left leg. This scared me but I wasn't out of money yet and was really on a binge so I finished the binge and then went to the hospital. They did an x-ray and said there was no damage to the bone structure but I might have moved some disks so I needed an MRI. I went back to my new home and stayed in bed absolutely disgusted with myself. This was the first time I really hurt myself doing heroin. Yes I had been in many car accidents, some so bad I still cringe when I think about them. I thank God I never hit another car or hurt anybody else. My car was almost always totaled, usually from hitting the guardrail or concrete barriers in the center of the highway after nodding off while driving. I'd usually walk away without a scratch because I had been asleep when the accidents happened so my body was limp, I wasn't totally tense trying to avoid impact.

Had the MRI, they said some disks had been moved in my lower back a little bit. No high impact aerobics for one year and build my core muscles. They said the feeling in my leg may or may not come back. I could still walk but needed to lift my leg up to do it. Went back home and stayed in bed. This time I knew this was it. My new roommate was ready to kick me out and told me this is the last chance. I was so scared. I had nowhere else to go especially in a new state and didn't think I could handle living on the street (in winter at that). I did get the feeling back in my leg although it took about six months to fully get it back. There was a spot behind my calf that stayed numb for a long time. I was just so grateful to get the feeling back.

I wanted to get on Suboxone asap. A friend gave me 30 Subs. This was enough so until I could find my own Sub doctor and I did. I went to an intensive outpatient program for a while and then switched to a Sub doctor closer to where I live. Got very involved with meetings and did everything I was told. Six months went by, I celebrated one year, then 18 months, so grateful, had never had even half that time without any alcohol or drug besides Suboxone.

A time came where I was feeling more and more conflicted about meetings. I decided to stop going to 12 step groups (which was scary, that was my whole network of friends up here and once they heard I wasn't going to go anymore, to them, it was just a matter of time before I really screwed up, so I lost just about all my friends at that time, all of which I knew from meetings). I didn't know what the right path was but knew in my heart 12 step meetings were not it. I'd been going since I was a child with my mom. I don't want to knock meetings because I KNOW I never would have gotten 18 months without their help. Got laid off from my job. Got really into personal growth seminars like Tony Robbins. Decided to finish my degrees. I was about 3/4ths done with an associates degree and wanted to get my bachelors in psychology (if for no other reason than a personal benchmark I wanted to reach for myself). Finished both with a straight A averages over the next two years. Got into an intensive life coaching program which I loved. That took a little longer to finish but I did it. Was able to find other work waiting tables and working with seniors. And the years started passing by faster and faster.

I tried to get off Sub a few times years ago. Looking back I'm grateful I didn't then because I wasn't ready. This year I've been slowly tapering. Please see the Stopping Suboxone section for the rest of my story that is still playing out as I stop taking Suboxone.

Thank you for reading. This forum has been extremely extremely helpful and I'm so grateful I found it. Thank you to all of the peeps that have helped me on here through the years. You guys and gals are awesome. Thank you Dr. J for creating this forum, for all of your input and for being such an amazing, knowledgeable person to help all of us in your free time.



PostPosted: Mon Dec 22, 2014 12:51 pm 
Long Time Member
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Joined: Fri Mar 08, 2013 1:02 pm
Posts: 1341
Location: West Tennessee
Wow, Sage. I'm so happy that you finally found something to get you on the right path long-term. And, I'm glad you are finding our forum helpful to you. :D

I haven't seen your new thread in the stopping suboxone section, but I read your other one about the tramadol. Yes, you are more than welcome to start a new thread there if you would like. However you want to do it is fine with us.

Thanks for the introduction. It helps to have a bit of a back story on our members. I always like reading about the different paths we all took to getting where we are. Sounds like we have addicted moms in common. I always knew that I didn't want to go down the same path as my family. I did really well avoiding the "bad" drugs when I was younger. But, for some reason when I started taking pills I didn't think it was a big deal. I guess I was having too much fun with them to think that I would allow myself to become addicted. Once I figured it out, it was too late.

It's actually quite comical when I think about how anti-drug I was when I was younger. If you had told me then that I would have wound up like I am today I would have laughed in your face. At some point I just dropped my guard against it, and it bit me. HARD.

Okay, sorry for hijacking your thread. :P

Good luck with your jump, Sage. Keep posting, it really helps.


No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

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