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PostPosted: Mon Dec 01, 2014 6:18 pm 
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How is everyone hear? I've lurked around this website for awhile & I finally decided I should make an account. I figured this was a far healthier forum to spend some time in then some of the "other" substance related forums I use to moderate & be heavily involved in online. Im a 29 yr old male who works in health care & I have a rather extensive background with opiates. When I was only 18 I started having abdominal surgeries & ever since then the problems I had with pain only got worse... & my daughter was born only a year later.

I was prescribed Fentanyl & Dilaudid from about 18yrs continuing til 28 yrs old. In the end I had dropped the Fentanyl due to not being able to afford it & I was on 200mg daily of Methadone & 36mg of Dilaudid. I was constantly in the hospital sick & rather regularly I had PICC lines placed because I was in & out of the hospital constantly. I started to use my Dilaudid RX IV & rather normally i would exceed 60+ mg IV a day & then when I would run out of Dilaudid early I would maintain on 200mg of methadone daily til I could refill everything.

As you could imagine this made me extremely addicted and dependent on opiates. I tried EVERYTHING to ween off, detox, taper, etc and nothing worked. Even with help from my Dr when I broke down and told him everything and told him I really needed help, I was never able to detox.

Finally on a whim I called a Sub Dr & low and behold I meet the best Dr Ive ever met (and ive met a lot!). He had over 25 years experience in anesthesiology as well as had been addicted to opiates himself so he had an extremely good understand of the physical and psychological effects of it and how to treat it. Im now on Subutex 16mg a day for the last 10 months and have remained clean the whole time and back in school. Subs can definitely save your life If you want them to.

My case is a good example of how Subs used right can take someone out of the depths of depravity and give them a chance to live again. i feel far healthier then I ever did on Methadone.


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 01, 2014 6:42 pm 
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Goodness gracious, I am so sorry to hear about all of the health issues you've been through at such a young age, but extremely happy to know that you've found a great doctor who understands addiction and how to properly treat it with buprenorphine. I read in your other post that you're recovering from a recent hospitalization, and successfully reinducted onto suboxone. I'm glad that went smoothly for you, and hope you continue to recover well. You're so right, used properly, buprenorphine can give a person their life back. Thanks so much for sharing your experience with us and welcome to the forum! :)


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 01, 2014 6:55 pm 
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Hello JOn!

Welcome to the Forum. I think you made an excellent decision to treat your addiction. It truly can give you your "life" back. Some days I forget that I am an addict because the cravings are completely gone and I am living a great , " Normal" life on Zubsolv.

It is amazing how one pill can block your mental cravings for opiates and last as long as it does so you are no longer on the roller coaster of opiates wearing off and having to take more and more.

We would love to get your insight and info on what you know about addiction.

Welcome!


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 01, 2014 8:27 pm 
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Hi Jon!

Wow...sounds like you have definitely been through hell and back with your addiction. I'm so very happy that you finally found the answer to the problem with suboxone! Also, being able to work with a doctor that understands our issues and can relate on that level is such an amazing benefit. You are very blessed.

Welcome aboard, I'm glad you found us.

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 01, 2014 10:15 pm 
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Thank you everyone I really appreciate that a lot. I was hoping I'd find some other people on this forum that were happy with there outcomes of treatment & with life in general. When I was 18 my appendix burst & the first hospital I went to totally misdiagnosed it & loaded me up on IV Morphine then sent me home after asking "Are you still in pain?". Well of course my pain got better giving an 18 yr old a ton of IV morphine with no tolerance. I remember hardly being able to walk out of the hospital. Well the next morning my blood pressure was crapping out terribly & I started vomiting blood so I went back to a different ER & they freaked out after a quick ultrasound & sent my straight to the O.R. not even 5 min. after going through the door... i received pretty standard pain meds post OP (IV Dilaudid) because they had to do a full 8" cut in my abdomen as it had burst. There is no way to do a minimally invasive surgery in an emergency. Little did I know that exact drug was going to control my life the next 10 years.

I went home & everything seemed normal & i had no idea that surgery was going to screw me up for a long time & no idea they blamed everything on my burst appendix which wasn't the only GI problem I had by a long shot. The scar tissue alone from the operation caused bowel obstructions twice. it'll take forever to get into the details but i have chronic issues that aren't going to be fixed. During that first year post OP from all that I was in & out of the hospital with a total of 46 days inpatient. My primary care Dr & Gi Dr started me on Hydrocodone which didn't help at all & 90% of the time Id just vomit up my meds. Next logical step in there eyes was Fentanyl since I could where a patch to deliver the medication. Then they put me on 4mg Dilaudid PO 6x a day for breakthrough pain. I was basically getting more narcotics around the clock then my grandpa on his death bed from colon cancer.

As a teenager I experimented with drugs like a lot of teenagers who grew up in the boring suburbs of orange county in southern california. From any outside view I had a normal family & parents who both didn't even drink or smoke. At that time I had major anxiety about everything that was going on so my Dr' recommended I take 2mg Klonopin (clonazepam) 2x a day to keep that at bay (he didn't seem to know that benzos & opiates are a common ingredient in fatal ODs, or he didn't care)

At that point I was heading down a very dangerous road of 2 addictions not just one. Benzo addiction is absolutely mind fucking once you've been on them for 10 years & the w/d plus rebound anxiety are hell. I was young and naive, I thought I was getting help for my health problems & not making them worse. I do not blame any of the Dr's a long the way really because most of them had good intentions but didn't have the experience with the long term effects.

I move from SoCal to Idaho & lose my insurance (im already 2 years deep in pain management) & I start looking for a PC Dr. that will see me and continue care while I look for a GI Dr locally. After being shuffled around a little bit I found a Dr. who would continue care but ONLY to manage my pain as he said he couldn't help me with my health problems. They were too complicated but he will keep me comfortable. Im about 22 at that point & this should have been a red flag but i was young.

He changed my meds to 40mg Methadone 5x a day and 8mg Dilaudid 4x a day with 2mg Clonzepam 2x a day. By now im totally addicted but I kept finding that Dilaudid was AMAZING for pain in the hospital but did nothing to me at home & it didn't make sense. Well it didn't take me too long to realize that it was because the hospital gave it to me IV & PO (by mouth) it was rather weak due to poor BA through first past metabolism through the liver.

The rest of the story is bad :-( I become an absolute total junkie... shooting up dilaudid everyday, slept in homeless shelters, was with women I should have never been with, lost houses, cars, jobs, my life, my soul, everything. Failed rounds at methadone treatment through a clinic to detox me (3x actually) because I couldn't do it on my own. & basically became purely jaded by a medical system that only wanted my money & profits with no intention of ever making me any better. Also did residential 30 day inpatient rehab and was discharged on day 2 for throwing up blood and being a medical liability that they were not comfortable with detoxing. I was "too high" for rehab even. Go figure right?

I've been pronounced DOA twice out of the 3x that Ive woken up in ICU being told they had never seen someone bounce back so fast from flat line to alive. And these OD's were not me taking anything different then what i took prescribed to me for years. Just on those particular random days my body said fuck you & went out.

I finally said fuck it and made a decision to kick.. something I failed at multiple times. 5 weeks cold turkey from all of those drugs & I finally had a seizure after not sleeping for 23 days. Woke up in the ICU with a drip of dilaudid in my arm already and started crying. I couldn't get away from it no matter what I did. That is when I met a VERY compassionate Dr with a story of his own who really knew what he was doing. It absolutely saved my life. I went to an intensive outpatient program 4 days a week for the last 10 months an djust graduated that & ive been weening down on subutex the whole time.

My health problems are far from over & somehow by some mircale of god during those 8+ years I never caught any type of legal problems that would stick with me. no felonies no record. I managed to get back in school to finish course work I had abandoned & im almost done with my BA in radiological science with a GPA of 3.3 .....

Part of me wants to go on in school and get my degree as a PA to work in a health care job helping other addicts sense I have a personal connection to the situation myself & part of me has thought about going to med school for Radiology if I could afford it. I lost almost 10 years of my life but im still young and I know better then anyone that all addicts aren't bad people the same way that I know all Dr's sure aren't good people. Go figure right?

If you managed to read all that Im proud of you. I definitely think i have a lot to offer anyone who wants to talk about addiction and recovery plus I have pretty decent knowledge when it comes to medicine. Not an expert but im sure not in the dark either.


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 02, 2014 1:09 am 
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Welcome to you, Jon! We are glad to have you here! Your experience and understanding of addictions and addicts is valuable and we're happy to have you share it with us. I hope you find that you feel supported here as well!

So, you've been on sub for 10 months and you're weaning down? Does that mean that you have a plan to taper off of sub soon, or are you just trying to find the lowest dose you can be on and still be craving free? Is your doctor an advocate of long term maintenance? Was your outpatient treatment in combination with your sub treatment?

I don't want to read too much into your member name, JonWrong, but it does make me wonder if you are being too hard on yourself for the years that you were stuck in addiction. None of us got to where we are by being spectacular human beings. We're all guilty of wrongdoing and past transgressions. Don't you believe that the last 10 months of hard work has washed away some of the stain of your past? We all have problems our addiction has created. Have you been able to forgive yourself for most of your mistakes? I hope you have! For some reason we tend to be our own worst critics. :/

We look forward to knowing more about you!

Amy

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PostPosted: Tue Dec 02, 2014 8:44 am 
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Amy-Work In Progress wrote:
Welcome to you, Jon! We are glad to have you here! Your experience and understanding of addictions and addicts is valuable and we're happy to have you share it with us. I hope you find that you feel supported here as well!

So, you've been on sub for 10 months and you're weaning down? Does that mean that you have a plan to taper off of sub soon, or are you just trying to find the lowest dose you can be on and still be craving free? Is your doctor an advocate of long term maintenance? Was your outpatient treatment in combination with your sub treatment?

I don't want to read too much into your member name, JonWrong, but it does make me wonder if you are being too hard on yourself for the years that you were stuck in addiction. None of us got to where we are by being spectacular human beings. We're all guilty of wrongdoing and past transgressions. Don't you believe that the last 10 months of hard work has washed away some of the stain of your past? We all have problems our addiction has created. Have you been able to forgive yourself for most of your mistakes? I hope you have! For some reason we tend to be our own worst critics. :/

We look forward to knowing more about you!

Amy


Amy-Work In Progress...

I definitely don't have the Screen Name "JonWrong" over feeling bad over myself in any way haha but I appreciate that you asked though out of concern :D it's been a play on words for many years of my life. In my younger years before things got really out of hand I was an avid club/rave DJ in Los Angeles, CA downtown on the weekends & somehow I adopted the name "Jon Wrong" because my last name is "Right"... So JonWrong just kind of stuck with me for awhile from DJ' clubs & raves back then. That is why I always thought with my Radiological Science BA degree that if I ended up going to Med School that "Dr. Wright" would be a great name for a Dr. :lol: ill probably only be able to afford PA school when im done with my BA but who knows right?

I don't know if you read my crazy long novel of a story I wrote just one post up about my extensive background and everything I've wen through. Currently i''m just an X-ray Tech until my Radiological Science Degree is done & then I'll look at graduate school & hopefully work in radiation therapy or something in the mean time.

If you read my crazy long post just above your reply with my specific background in depth what I went through I basically am not the kind of person that is going to be off subutex any time soon. After ten years in the depths and extreme amounts of opiate dependency & addiction I don't know if I plan on ever getting off. The anesthesiologist i work with on my issues having a background in IV fentanyl use for over 30 years of his career is very supportive of me needing to be on subutex for a long time if not forever if that is what it takes.

When I speak of tapering down it is the fact that I have gone down from 24mg a day.. to 16mg a day... to about 12mg right now. I am just looking for the smallest dose that makes me feel normal. Not high, not a bunch of side effects, etc. Just enough to be me stable with no cravings to use opiates & not be cloudy because of school.

I worked a 10 month IOP program and now that I am finished (no relapses, 4 UA's a week, 4 meetings a week, etc) and now that it is over I've made sure I meet with my Dr's counselor once a week (since she doesn't charge me because I've come so far and been a model patient). It might also be that I always make sure on holidays and random appointments that I give them thank you cards and small gifts of gratitude. Dr's are so over worked & you would be amazed at how much it means to them to know you truly care about them and are appreciated for the things they have done to save your life. Something that small goes so far.

I really want to be a good contribution and help to this website. I feel so blessed that I found a Dr that has a history of IV fentanyl use, addiction, successful recovery, & has his heart in the right place. I feel bad when I hear about people with careless Dr's. He takes my insurance, no cash pay only crap. He's let me get way behind when I had no insurance for a moment and allowed me ot just pay $10 a month to pay back $400 knowing im not rich. He also takes cash pay patients for $79 an apt & a $9 UA which after research is unheard of in this field. He has said more then once that he doesn't need the money and being in recovery himself that it is more then just a job to him to help people with addictions.

Im definitely not down on myself from my past and im sure one of these days ill be able to tell everyone was serious serious things that happened to me and that I did in the depths of my addiction that most people don't seem to make it out of it. I've been dead twice and over 3 random OD's wear I woke up in ICU with Dr's saying that I was lucky I made it.


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 02, 2014 1:29 pm 
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Yes, I read everything, and I'm glad you're not considering going off sub any time soon. I've tapered down from my initial dose as well. With your history it's not surprising that you started at such a high dose.

My own story has some similarities, although certainly not in the depth and scope of your use/abuse. I've also worked toward a degree in the medical field, but in nursing. I was just about done with the prerequisites to turn my BA into a BS in Nursing when I admitted my addiction to pain killers and got help. I had to decide whether being a nurse, with its inherent temptations to abuse pain medication, was in my best interest. I don't question your ability to go into a medical field and resist temptation because you've been through so much more than I have that the stakes are much higher for you if you were to return to abuse. For example, I certainly haven't nearly died 3 times! :) I'm now looking at graduate programs in Addiction Studies as an alternate career path.

I think that many addicts who have a hard time forgiving themselves did not grow up in the best circumstances and are therefore less likely to have a healthy amount of self esteem in the first place. It's good to know that you have been able to move on from guilt and self recrimination. Whatever allows you to do that, whether it's an inherent resiliency in your personality, or a healthy dose of stability and love in your growing up years, it definitely works in your favor.

Amy

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PostPosted: Tue Dec 02, 2014 6:25 pm 
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Amy-Work In Progress wrote:
Yes, I read everything, and I'm glad you're not considering going off sub any time soon. I've tapered down from my initial dose as well. With your history it's not surprising that you started at such a high dose.

My own story has some similarities, although certainly not in the depth and scope of your use/abuse. I've also worked toward a degree in the medical field, but in nursing. I was just about done with the prerequisites to turn my BA into a BS in Nursing when I admitted my addiction to pain killers and got help. I had to decide whether being a nurse, with its inherent temptations to abuse pain medication, was in my best interest. I don't question your ability to go into a medical field and resist temptation because you've been through so much more than I have that the stakes are much higher for you if you were to return to abuse. For example, I certainly haven't nearly died 3 times! :) I'm now looking at graduate programs in Addiction Studies as an alternate career path.

I think that many addicts who have a hard time forgiving themselves did not grow up in the best circumstances and are therefore less likely to have a healthy amount of self esteem in the first place. It's good to know that you have been able to move on from guilt and self recrimination. Whatever allows you to do that, whether it's an inherent resiliency in your personality, or a healthy dose of stability and love in your growing up years, it definitely works in your favor.

Amy


I'm glad that you have resisted putting yourself in a healthcare situation where you would be tempted because of easy access to narcotics. Honestly I'm not worried at all about the whole "handling of narcotics" & being tempted to take them at work. I know that sounds very naive to most people most of the time but it isn't something that really bothers me. With some health issues I haven't disclosed completely yet in my posts just about any Dr who i gave my medical records to with my CT Scan's, MRI's, & diagnoses would put back on any of the narcotics I want. My health is far from good but it's so much better now just dealing with my pain with any means necessary before ever thinking about narcotics. A good medication people seem to not say much about is a non-narcotic nerve pain med I use called Gabapentin.

it won't relieve pain like a narcotic but it actually works on pain that narcotics are ineffective against. I was a skeptic at first but it helped right in the upper doses for me. Also I do not like to ever say I use Subutex for pain for obvious reasons but in those really bad attacks of pain I might seem to find myself far from pain free but it certainly helps in a lot of random situations when i really need it. The main reason I didn't go the RN route & then possibly continue on to a APRN (Advanced Practice RN) like CRNA's, or Nurse Practitioner is because I didn't want to be pushing narcotics all day to people ... it is easy to stay away from temptation if it isn't in your face all day. That would be rough for any recovering opiate addict.

That is why I chose to do my BA in Radiological Science. I have family members who are RN's at the hospital who said since I went all the way through my BA degree for Radiological Science and not an AA or some cert program that they can get me a job at the biggest hospital in my area. In the radiology department I won't be handling narcotics for patients and doing IV pushes of it for them. Pay is good and the job is low risk for me. I'm also extremely technical and not "nerdy" though. I was a computer programmer/web designer for a few years of my life.

When I hit that cross roads that comes when my BA in Radiological Science is over i'll make my decision on how to continue. Whether I want to attempt graduate school & get my PA or if I have the funding and drive I'd love to take my MCAT and go to med school to be a radiologist. That is another Dr that doesn't really work with patients and ordering pain meds all that much. I guess im a total weirdo but I love looking at CT' imaging, ultrasound, MRI's, Xrays, etc. As a radiologist it's your job to look at all the imaging and double check it & consult with the Dr who ordered the tests and make sure he didn't over look anything in the imaging reports. Very subtle shadowing could be catastrophic if you don't know what your looking at.

I think a position like that would be fine for a recovering opiate addict if I get into med school & if I get just graduate school as a PA I am going to try my hardest to work in a group of Dr's working with addiction medicine.


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 03, 2014 2:52 pm 
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Hey Jon,

I'm impressed with how far you have come in a relatively short period of time. And, I think it's a great choice to continue in radiology. All of the things you mentioned about the difficulties you would have to face if you chose to continue to be a Nurse Practitioner make alot of sense. You and Amy both are a big inspiration to me. I love seeing people turn their lives around after addiction and accomplish something so huge!

You mentioned somewhere above that you used to be a DJ in So Cal? I'm from that area as well. Grew up in Fontana, then moved to Tennessee. Totally different world!

I'm glad to see that you have gotten comfortable with the forum so quickly. I hope you stick around and continue to share your experiences with us.

Q

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2014 1:35 am 
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Jon, I totally get the excitement over something like scans. I'm just as weird with different things. When I was in Anatomy and Physiology I absolutely LOVED examining slides of blood!! It was fascinating to me! I'm also completely fascinated with pregnancy and childbirth. If I had become a nurse I would have eventually become a nurse midwife. Everyone is weird in their own special way. :)

Amy

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2014 3:01 pm 
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qhorsegal2 wrote:
Hey Jon,

I'm impressed with how far you have come in a relatively short period of time. And, I think it's a great choice to continue in radiology. All of the things you mentioned about the difficulties you would have to face if you chose to continue to be a Nurse Practitioner make alot of sense. You and Amy both are a big inspiration to me. I love seeing people turn their lives around after addiction and accomplish something so huge!

You mentioned somewhere above that you used to be a DJ in So Cal? I'm from that area as well. Grew up in Fontana, then moved to Tennessee. Totally different world!

I'm glad to see that you have gotten comfortable with the forum so quickly. I hope you stick around and continue to share your experiences with us.

Q


Wow! Fontana for real? How old are you? I lived in an area of north Fontana for awhile called Heritage that was off the i10 & foothill headed easy. I went to Rancho Cucamonga High and graduated there right next store. Most of my life I lived right next door to Fontana. Small word I visit a lot still because a;though I get my daughter she is 9 and lives there when I dont have her. She is mu biggest motivation. Hit me up or PM sometime it would be nice to talk to someone who is still living in my old stomping grounds

Amy-Work In Progress wrote:
Jon, I totally get the excitement over something like scans. I'm just as weird with different things. When I was in Anatomy and Physiology I absolutely LOVED examining slides of blood!! It was fascinating to me! I'm also completely fascinated with pregnancy and childbirth. If I had become a nurse I would have eventually become a nurse midwife. Everyone is weird in their own special way. :)

Amy


That is totally awesome Amy, no disrespect intended but you are the kind of woman I want to marry one of these days. Im not Mr. Perfect by any means but ive been able to get a fare amount of offers. but Im just sick of girly girls who don't even know what 2+2 is let alone any science, biology, and in depth psychology.... you would imagine that doesn't mix well with me. Or I shock girls when I work because I wear scrubs and long sleeves. But then outside of the hospital/work I have full sleeves tattoo'd down my arm and a full back piece. I just make sure I can cover it as needed. But I'm quite the character and not a guy u would expect. So far I love this place and I feel like I found my home forum after years of moderation opiophile and blue light. This is far healthier for me.

*****( Sorry for anyone that read this yesterday before I had a chance to proofread it and correct some grammatical errors that totally didn't make sense! haha )*****


Last edited by JonWrong on Fri Dec 05, 2014 10:36 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2014 6:32 pm 
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We will work on finding you a nerdy girl who isn't 15 years your senior and married! ;)

Amy

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 05, 2014 12:44 am 
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LOL...I think my cousin graduated at Rancho Coucamonga High. She's a bit younger than me, I'm 36. But you missed the fact that I don't live there now. I made the move down south when I was 14. But- I do go visit every couple of years.

Alright Amy, who should we set him up with? :twisted:

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 05, 2014 10:52 am 
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Amy-Work In Progress wrote:
We will work on finding you a nerdy girl who isn't 15 years your senior and married! ;)

Amy


Well it is definitely nice to meet you and everyone else here. I had to go back and use the edit feature at 6am today when I went to take my dose of subutex. I must have been kind of out of it yesterday because some of my post was all backwards.

I appreciate the offer to find a smart nerdy girl for me ;-) I'd love that haha. And the 15 years older then me part (im 29) I'm totally ok with that if she has a beautiful soul and is smart. It's the married part that doesn't work out haha. Tell your husband he is a lucky man to have such an outgoing woman. 8)

qhorsegal2 wrote:
LOL...I think my cousin graduated at Rancho Coucamonga High. She's a bit younger than me, I'm 36. But you missed the fact that I don't live there now. I made the move down south when I was 14. But- I do go visit every couple of years.

Alright Amy, who should we set him up with? :twisted:


Oh my bad on missing the part that you moved. I myself moved north to Boise Idaho but I didn't make that move till I was like 23 or so I believe. If your cousin is like 7 years younger then you then iy is possible we were close to the same graduating class at Rancho Cucamonga High. My 9 year old daughter still goes to elementary school down in the Inland Empire Rancho/Riverside/Fontana/Ontario/Alta Loma/etc.

And dang you have some devious women around this website. Already conspiring to set me up with someone haha j/k but definitely of you know any girls who arent married and are smart/intelligent into biology, nursing, medicine, pharmacy, medical research. imaging, nuclear medicine, etc then by all means please tell her to PM me.. :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: Im not sure that a woman like that exists. Im not a big surgery buff and that is generally what I find girls into when it comes to medicine. I can totally get it and think its cool it is just not something I feel that is "My Calling" so to say

-Jonathan


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