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PostPosted: Wed Sep 14, 2011 12:00 am 
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but i cant cause im stable on m-done(and my dose is fine it wouldnt matter if i was on a gram). i wish my receptors werent tolerant and i could take 140mg and scratch and sweat and just freakin escape...but i know it would mess up everything. i just got the best job of my life.....hmmm....imagine that?....probably cause ive been clean well over a year. im stable, but damn i get cravings when i think about that warm hug:) or i wish i had a bunch of dilaudid hp running thru my veins....i hate these cravings- ill always have to deal with. thats why im even on sites like this...this keeps me clean just to talk about them


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 14, 2011 12:08 am 
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just letting that out makes me think about the negative. the wds, the pain, loss of ambition, and it brings me back to reality. the funny thing is i just got a high paying white -collered job today. i would have never imagined this 5 years ago and now people actually respect me, look up to me. its amazing how things turn around. i might be scared because now i know im going to have to work my ass off....but all in all-im blessed


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 14, 2011 12:19 am 
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indigochild wrote:
but i cant cause im stable on m-done(and my dose is fine it wouldnt matter if i was on a gram). i wish my receptors werent tolerant and i could take 140mg and scratch and sweat and just freakin escape...but i know it would mess up everything. i just got the best job of my life.....hmmm....imagine that?....probably cause ive been clean well over a year. im stable, but damn i get cravings when i think about that warm hug:) or i wish i had a bunch of dilaudid hp running thru my veins....i hate these cravings- ill always have to deal with. thats why im even on sites like this...this keeps me clean just to talk about them


I think everyone who loves opiates, whether they're on Suboxone, methadone, or abstinence-based recovery, really wants to get high at various points. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Just remember that you're where you are now because at some point getting high turned into getting low, and then you were miserable, or experienced horrible consequences, or something to get you on methadone instead of dilaudid/hydromorphone. Yes, getting high is awesome, but there's two huge problems with it: (1) once you start you can't stop = very bad consequences and (2) it doesn't last - tolerance is a real problem - as you say. There's simply no way to get high for a long time. It just doesn't last. You can only escalate the dose of anything, whether it be methadone or hydromorphone (dilaudid) until you DIE trying to get that one last feeling of warm oblivion.

Don't OVERESTIMATE your tolerance. That's how most people overdose - that is, when they're not intentionally trying to kill themselves. This addiction thing is really nasty. Yeah, it's chronic and you'll never be "cured". But you seem to have it under control now. Don't blow it! You'll just have to climb back up from the abyss again, and you might not get another chance.

And YES, talk to people! Use this forum if you want; or find people on the forum you can call. You can't think your way out of these cravings - because they're not part of your cognitive thoughts - they're like desires for food/water/sex/air. Just like you can't think yourself out of being hungry or thirsty, you can't stop the cravings. But you can DISTRACT yourself from them, and you do that by using the cognitive part of your brain - one of the best ways is to talk to someone who can relate.

I hope this helps somewhat. Hang in there! Really, it's not THAT great. Maybe the FIRST time, maybe the FIRST year, but now it would SUCK -- and you would have to take so much that you'd risk your life - for what? A few hours of oblivion? It ain't worth it.

DSC


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 14, 2011 3:14 am 
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I hear ya Indigo, I really do. My brain does the same thing to me from time to time. Our addiction is patient, it seems like yours is using this new job to take a poke at you to see how you react. It got a rise out of you and if your addiction is anything like mine, it just woke up and it's gonna go to work on you now.

Keep talking about how you feel, our disease HATES when we tell on it. Like DSC said, our disease will always get us to remember the awesome parts, but it takes thinking straight to remember the carnage that comes with using. Getting high and all the crap baggage that comes with getting high go hand in hand, they're inseparable. I tried for over 2 decades to separate those 2 things, never did figure it out......for people like us, there is no figuring it out.

Congratulations on the job and stay strong!

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PostPosted: Wed Sep 14, 2011 8:13 am 
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Thanks for sharing this with us, Indigo. Cravings like the one you speak of - which I call more psychological than physical - are, I believe, a part of life for all of us. I've been stable on sub for coming up on three years. I'm on 16+ mg per day and even with no relapses, I still get those cravings/thoughts for that "warm blanket" feeling - I'd be lying if I said I didn't. (When it happens I just put that thought immediately out of my head and move on.)

I think it's great that you posted this because it's good for us to talk about it. The more we acknowledge those cravings and maybe even ascertain their origin, the less powerful they are, I believe. I also believe the farther we get from our active addiction, (hopefully) the less these kinds of cravings will be a problem.....but that's just my theory.

Keep up the good work, Indigo!

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PostPosted: Wed Sep 14, 2011 2:37 pm 
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I feel for you. We all do. I get cravings, then I get really pissed off that I can't get high anymore, then I feel sorry for myself. Then I want to use even more. It blows.
I think we all know that we want to get high when life is kicking our asses, but we forget that good things and successes are a huge trigger, too. That new job sounds like a big success for you, as well as a big challenge.
Keep your eye on the prize, keep your mind on the job and keep telling on yourself. As many times as it takes. There's always someone here to listen.


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 14, 2011 6:47 pm 
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Why does this topic remind me of...

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4Y7GMPJO64[/youtube]


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 14, 2011 9:46 pm 
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I have just about 6 years clean under my belt and I still get cravings at least a couple times a week. I mean maybe being a pain patient might add to that but even on good pain days I still have cravings sometimes so I don’t think it plays that big of role. I guess at the end of the day what it comes down to is how well you can learn to deal with them and beat them. And that is where counseling comes into play but more than anything for a topic like this. I think groups are the best because who better to learn from on how to beat cravings than other addicts, I have nothing against counselors but some just don’t have any history of drug abuse so they can not relate with us in some intendances. For myself I just put them in to perspective I try and really understand them write how I fell during them. But the biggest thing for me is just thinking about myself while using and how much better I am doing now and in a couple minutes the thought of going back to active addiction disappears real quick. I like to use my cravings as motivation meaning if I could beat them one time than I can do it the next time.

I don’t know what you mean about 140mg but if you are talking about methadone why?

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PostPosted: Wed Sep 14, 2011 9:53 pm 
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This is crazy but my DOC was painers and tweak. Now every once in a while I just would love to get a blast so big from cr-ck that I just hit the floor!! I never liked it much but did my over the fair share line of it. Window peeper and all. Well I wanted to see about this venting thing.
Now I have a 5 yr old son with no mother so I just can't do it to him or myself. I even dreamed about it last night. After four or five clean years. It never ends. Favorite song of the year is TODD SNIDER -YOUR ALL THAT MATTERS. All acoustic all raw awesome song!!! Give it a try somebody.

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 Post subject: not crazy at all..
PostPosted: Thu Sep 15, 2011 5:06 pm 
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wade wrote:
This is crazy but my DOC was painers and tweak. Now every once in a while I just would love to get a blast so big from cr-ck that I just hit the floor!! I never liked it much but did my over the fair share line of it. Window peeper and all. Well I wanted to see about this venting thing.
Now I have a 5 yr old son with no mother so I just can't do it to him or myself. I even dreamed about it last night. After four or five clean years. It never ends. Favorite song of the year is TODD SNIDER -YOUR ALL THAT MATTERS. All acoustic all raw awesome song!!! Give it a try somebody.

Speed was about the only thing i didn't enjoy. not to mention, i have a heart condition....too many close calls, but lately i'm hearing the toll amphetamine use is taking on the world. i think the strong cravings (i crave from looking @ DSC's avatar) are coming from the fact that i will be working a new job. I haven't worked in a while- over a couple years. I'll admit, I'm scared of failing. I think this is whats causing these cravings and anxiety. I'm 31 and have never had a white-collered job..the ball is in my court to fck it up. I got lucky with this job. In my active using days I was jealous at people that held these sales positions. I lucked out scoring this federally regulated position , especially with my background....but feel "out of my league".. i don't drive a lexus or bmw 6 series and live in a big house like many of my future business partners. i scored this job because im a very good sales man and somehow got my foot in the door and never took no for an answer. i should be proud, but i have lots of anxiety- i have 2 diseases i treat. im bi-polar and addiction also. i just have to remember the cravings are apart of it and they will pass. i feel better just writing this and hearing from others im not alone. anyway, thanks to everyone who wrote a note...it means a good deal. there needs to be a venting thread on this forum LOL- it's almost like you guys are cyber- sponsors


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 16, 2011 2:05 am 
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Now and then I crave a fat shot of cocaine.

But the thoughts die pretty quick.


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 Post subject: i wana get so f'n drunk
PostPosted: Fri Sep 16, 2011 10:34 am 
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but i can't it an't going to happen. life is so much better clean. keep truckin sir.


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 08, 2012 10:35 pm 
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wade wrote:
This is crazy but my DOC was painers and tweak. Now every once in a while I just would love to get a blast so big from cr-ck that I just hit the floor!! I never liked it much but did my over the fair share line of it. Window peeper and all. Well I wanted to see about this venting thing.
Now I have a 5 yr old son with no mother so I just can't do it to him or myself. I even dreamed about it last night. After four or five clean years. It never ends. Favorite song of the year is TODD SNIDER -YOUR ALL THAT MATTERS. All acoustic all raw awesome song!!! Give it a try somebody.


same thing here, i get those dreams about that stuff. sometimes i even wake up and can taste it. I also have a young daughter with a mother who is absent for the time being, i just look at her and know i cant ever do that to her! My daughter is one of the main reasons i got clean in the first place, along with all the negative consequences of addiction. But i hear ya man, I get cravings still even with subutex. well over the dose that is suppose to take them away. It doesnt matter for me, somedays they are just in my mind. Seems like when things are going good too. Something good happens or whatever and my mind starts to wonder. Just figured i would tell my experience. Hope all you guys are doing well!


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 Post subject: thanks for honesty
PostPosted: Thu Nov 15, 2012 3:59 am 
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I really did appreciate your honesty in admitted that. Its nice to know that even after 13 years of being on methadone, I'm not the only one who still has days that I'd trade my right hand for a good, old fashioned Opiate buzz! But I think some of the other posters did a great job in reminding you (and me) that we all tend to forget that the "warm dope high" didn't come without consequences....LOTS OF THEM.....and almost all bad (except the buss itself). Its like that little excercize they always make you do 1000 times in rehab...."make a list of the negative consequences that could happen if you use again". I think that is such a common and often repeated excercize for a reason! It really does help most of us to think a little further down the road of that "Warm opiate high". You know, the part where you loose your job, your home, your friends & family, your freedom, go through withdrawls everytime you can't score, etc, etc, etc, etc. So yea, the high would be nice.....the rest of it, NOT so nice. In conclusion, the negative outcomes do not even come close to making the positive outcome (the high) worth it! But you already know that....you were just talking about your desire to get high and I can respect that....I also hope your thought and its expression, along with the great things many repliers had to say about it, helps you and others in the same boat to keep things in perspective and do the right thing! Amen! :)


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 Post subject: Re: thanks for honesty
PostPosted: Thu Nov 15, 2012 4:30 pm 
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thecityman wrote:
I really did appreciate your honesty in admitted that. Its nice to know that even after 13 years of being on methadone, I'm not the only one who still has days that I'd trade my right hand for a good, old fashioned Opiate buzz! But I think some of the other posters did a great job in reminding you (and me) that we all tend to forget that the "warm dope high" didn't come without consequences....LOTS OF THEM.....and almost all bad (except the buss itself). Its like that little excercize they always make you do 1000 times in rehab...."make a list of the negative consequences that could happen if you use again". I think that is such a common and often repeated excercize for a reason! It really does help most of us to think a little further down the road of that "Warm opiate high". You know, the part where you loose your job, your home, your friends & family, your freedom, go through withdrawls everytime you can't score, etc, etc, etc, etc. So yea, the high would be nice.....the rest of it, NOT so nice. In conclusion, the negative outcomes do not even come close to making the positive outcome (the high) worth it! But you already know that....you were just talking about your desire to get high and I can respect that....I also hope your thought and its expression, along with the great things many repliers had to say about it, helps you and others in the same boat to keep things in perspective and do the right thing! Amen! :)


This thread was posted a Year and two months ago lol. But good post man.

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