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PostPosted: Fri Dec 16, 2016 10:23 pm 
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Hello everyone!

Just wanted to say that I'm grateful to have stumbled upon this forum as I am day 1 in the books of a new sober chapter in my life! Currently taking suboxone as my treatment plan, not sure how long I'll be on it as everyone's sobriety journey is unique to the individual. I am set up with a doctor ( once a month ) and a psychiatrist ( 2x a month ) to see and couldn't be any happier with this decision.

I was addicted to pain meds for 4 years and finally got the courage to go to the doctor today as mentally I am completely defeated by the addiction but unfortunately I am physically dependent. I am very optimistic about my sobriety and I wish all of you the best in your journey. I have the upmost respect for all of you wanting your freedom back, taking that step, believing in yourself, and being boss as f.

Stay strong, I know how dark it gets out there.


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 17, 2016 8:39 am 
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Welcome to the forum _1931!! You'll find so much information here, I sure did. Suboxone is a huge blessing in my recovery and I'm sure it will be for u too :)

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PostPosted: Sat Dec 17, 2016 10:11 am 
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You'll find a good mix of people here from all walks of life. Everyone's story is uniquely different, but it all points to the same thing --- we all wanted to better ourselves for ourselves and our futures. For some it was hitting the rock bottom..maybe hitting it more than once, but at some point, you find yourself tired of living that way. I know I did. I didn't want to live anymore if that was how I had to live...spending every waking day searching for a way to get that sick to stay away.
And that addiction never takes a break. It never takes a day off. It never gives you any peace. That chastisement is severely overwhelming. But, it makes you that much more determined once you do clean up to never want that life back again.

There is nothing you can be afraid of saying to us here. Nobody will think less of you. Even those who can't do it the first time around...we all realize that this process is very fragile..sometimes it might take more than once to get it right.
I know for me, finding suboxone initially didn't "fix" me. It took me finding it, quitting (financial reasons, couldn't afford to keep paying $150/week for a month straight) to stay in the program), finding it again...being kicked from that program...going back to my pills...
I essentially played with sobriety. Then, after 4 months or so of that...I got serious.
And I haven't looked back.

Sometimes, this gets to be a burden...but only because we forget the lessons we've learned about it. And it's so easy to fall again. Repeating, it's such a fragile process to do this. But it can be done, and determination is key to staying the path.
Keep focused and don't lose track..and don't forget how easily it is to slip and be right back to square 1 all over.

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Adam Wayne P.
DOB: July 1, 1985
October 8, 2013

RIP little brother. Gone, but not forgotten.


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 17, 2016 2:25 pm 
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jonathanm1978 wrote:
You'll find a good mix of people here from all walks of life. Everyone's story is uniquely different, but it all points to the same thing --- we all wanted to better ourselves for ourselves and our futures. For some it was hitting the rock bottom..maybe hitting it more than once, but at some point, you find yourself tired of living that way. I know I did. I didn't want to live anymore if that was how I had to live...spending every waking day searching for a way to get that sick to stay away.
And that addiction never takes a break. It never takes a day off. It never gives you any peace. That chastisement is severely overwhelming. But, it makes you that much more determined once you do clean up to never want that life back again.

There is nothing you can be afraid of saying to us here. Nobody will think less of you. Even those who can't do it the first time around...we all realize that this process is very fragile..sometimes it might take more than once to get it right.
I know for me, finding suboxone initially didn't "fix" me. It took me finding it, quitting (financial reasons, couldn't afford to keep paying $150/week for a month straight) to stay in the program), finding it again...being kicked from that program...going back to my pills...
I essentially played with sobriety. Then, after 4 months or so of that...I got serious.
And I haven't looked back.

Sometimes, this gets to be a burden...but only because we forget the lessons we've learned about it. And it's so easy to fall again. Repeating, it's such a fragile process to do this. But it can be done, and determination is key to staying the path.
Keep focused and don't lose track..and don't forget how easily it is to slip and be right back to square 1 all over.


Thank you for your reply. I should clarify that this is my first go around of getting sober using a doctor and a suboxone script. I have tried multiple times tapering myself as well as cold turkeying it. Like you said, wanting that sick to stay away is the name of the game and it's horrible! All of those attempts failed because after the worst of the physical withdrawals, the mental withdrawals hits you like a ton of bricks and I am mentally Fragile. I was off the drugs and through what people say "the worst of" withdraws and I was SO depressed. Didn't want to get out of bed, anything over stimulating seemed to make the heebeejeebees come back, and I would cry all day long. Being sober didn't seem worth it to me. Then down the rabbit hole I went.

I couldn't take the emotional rollercoaster of questions "Am I going to have pills today? Tomorrow? Am I going to be able to spend time with my family? Go to work?" I NEEDED my freedom back. My life back. It was no longer about the high anymore, I didn't give a shit about that.

I just wanted to get through a day and feel normal like everyone else. But is everyone else really normal? I remember leaning against a wall in the mall the other day and studying the people walking by. I would try and watch their mannerisms and how they interacted with the person they were with. I wondered if any of these people were in the same boat as I was. A boat that was sinking and you had no life preservers. Did these people wake up today and have to snort a couple lines to get their day started? I wonder if she has pills in her purse, I wonder how many pills are in this mall right now. If I could have one super power it would be to have the ability to see pills, wherever they are. Then bam, yeah I'm not fucking normal. No one is thinking they want a super power like that, I laughed, and then carried on with my day.

As far as finances, I fortunately have help but the program I am in is very affordable. $350 your first month, (then my insurance covers my script but it would be $400), $250 a month after your initial, then $75.00 an hour with my psychiatrist 2x a month.

Here's to putting both our feet forward and never turning around.


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 18, 2016 10:06 am 
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When I was using, I was the most obsessed I could ever be....like a stalker probably gets lol. I'd think about pills every single second of the day! I remember being in jail and wanting a pill so bad that I'd start thinking about getting lucky and finding one laying on the floor and how I'd snort it if I did since I didn't have a straw lol wow out there thinking that just spun out of control!! Every day, if I didn't already have my fix for the day, I'd wake up and go try to make it happen.....no matter what I had to steal or pawn, or how long it'd take, that was my day. I remember one Christmas Eve my mom and the rest of my family were literally waiting on me to open presents and I kept them waiting trying to find that pill so I wouldn't be sick. That actually makes me cry because I get a memory like that, that I try so hard to forget, and it's unbearable to think about. BUT, I look at how this medicine has changed my life and I'm so grateful today. I would finally find my fix for the day and feel better, then start worrying an hr later about the next day lol it was constant.

I went to rehab and stayed clean for around 5 months, but the depression & cravings I felt were awful! I absolutely couldn't live like that. Every morning I woke up I wanted to rip my brain out of my head because all I could think about was using lol. So I relapsed and a few yrs later found suboxone treatment, thank God. I also remember being out somewhere not feeling good and thinking to myself....I wonder if that person probably has a whole bottle of pills lol isn't that awful how it has that huge of a grip....like ur mind won't stop thinking about it? Anyway, I could go on and on so I'll stop. I just think it's great that we can relate to each other and know those experiences are so relatable :)

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PostPosted: Sun Dec 18, 2016 2:18 pm 
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Welcome _1931, it seems you have found a home forum for Suboxone support. That is what we do here. Fully support those who have made the decision to fix their messed up lives by using MAT. (medication addiction treatment) Also known as ORT, or opiate replacement therapy. I prefer the former acronym.

You will find lots of members here willing to help you along your path to recovery. It sounds like you have a good start going with seeing a professional to deal with the addict brain. Some here use the 12 step programs, others like myself use this forum as my sole recovery system. I've been here for six years and have made some good friends that I could call if something went wrong. My base recovery was first in AA back in '87 when they saved my arse from alcohol. But the foundation was set and I still practice the program daily. So I guess it's really two things in my recovery tool chest. Hey, the more the merrier!

We wish you well on your own road of recovery,

rule

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 19, 2016 6:35 am 
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It's truly amazing how the brain --- or the addict brain I should say --- works. You think of things, you devise plans, you scheme...you are an engineer, entrepreneur, small businessman, salesman, thief, liar, and so obsessive compulsive that it's unbelievable.
Any addict that could steer that drive for acquiring their fix towards a job or running a small business legitimately would make the Forbes 500 in no time flat.
It just shows how complex our brain is without realizing it's full potential. We tell our brain that we have to have this fix to survive...so it becomes more important than a sandwich or a drink of water. It's beyond that. It's beyond needing to eat..I know I used to skip an entire day of eating, especially if I was on a binge of Oxy...because I told myself I couldn't slow down and I needed to enjoy the high while it was there. I could eat when I came down -- which didn't happen either.

I have a picture of myself from 2007-ish..and a picture of myself in 2013. The difference is ..more than just noticeable.
I looked like skin over a bag of bones.

In fact...I'll show you:


2007
Image

And this was probably mid-2013 or so:

Image


The first pic, I was on Oxy. I remember when I took it. I had been doing Oxy for about 3 months...then would crash from Oxy and do Norco's. I was full-on addict.
No weight at all. I think I got down to about 120lbs.
Now I'm back to my normal 145-150.
The 2nd pic, me and my baby girl. She was about 1 there. I had just got some dental work done..and finally could eat solid food again after 2-3 years of agony with the remaining teeth that I had being almost gone..I finally "bit" the bullet, so to speak, and had full plates - top and bottom.
Life today is so far from photo #1 that I can hardly believe it's me.

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Adam Wayne P.
DOB: July 1, 1985
October 8, 2013

RIP little brother. Gone, but not forgotten.


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 19, 2016 11:56 am 
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Thanks for those pics, Jonathan. The difference is stark. And what a cute little girl!
It does indeed get better..

Welcome to the forum 1931 I'm new too and have received much invaluable help. As they like to say in AA,
"You're in the right place."


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 19, 2016 3:54 pm 
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Jonathan, thank you for those pictures. It's insane what our brains tell us to do just to get thru that day. It's almost embarrassing when looking back. I'm very glad to hear you see the difference in those photos and that you're on the right path now!

What I'm personally dealing with is a lot of anxiety. I've been clean from pills for 4 days now and while suboxone has helped tremendously for me and my cravings, I've noticed that I am very anxious. Anxious to do anything really, like make a phone call or to even go to the store. I'm also a bit emotional about the tiniest of things. I hope that I'm not alone on those symptoms because they are hindering me from getting out of my house sometimes. It's comforting to know I've found somewhere I can openly speak about my feelings and know you guys aren't here to judge, but to relate and help. I can't thank you enough for that. Just knowing we aren't alone sometimes is enough.

Thank you all,
Jordyn


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 20, 2016 1:44 am 
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I think we've all been in that same boat. It's easy to say that it's suboxone since it's the only thing we have in our system daily, but part of it has to be rebuilding our brain to think differently than what we've told it to do for xx amount of time. I've seen people say "sub makes me lazy"..."sub makes me antisocial"..."sub makes me not have any sexual desire"..
And some of those can be attributed to the chemical make-up of buprenorphine, like the lowering testosterone...
But I think ..and also in my own experiences...if I just make myself get up and do whatever I'm procrastinating...then the sub isn't the crutch that I initially though it would be.

Same goes for the sex drive -- if you just "get up" and do it...well, we know the rest.

Sometimes I get on these stints..periods of time where I'll spend a month sitting in the house, doing nothing...but as soon as I force myself outdoors..I find all sorts of things to do that keep me occupied. And I don't think of sitting down. Actually, I keep going until I just can't go anymore. Same goes for socializing.
Wife wants to do the Bass Pro Shop thing tomorrow so the 4 year-old can visit Santa. Do I want to drive an hour+ in that AWFUL traffic to do it? Nope. But I know when I get on the road, I'll start enjoying it and have a good time. It's just getting out the door. It may take me until 2pm before I push myself out the door...but I'll go.

I remember when I would spend countless hours chasing a pill. I'd be up until 1 or 2 in the morning waiting on my dealer to call and say he had his stuff that I could come get...And I'd quickly jump in the car..drive past cops patrolling...just to get there.
And never have one bit of anxiety about doing it.

And then would stay up for 2-3 days in a row...no sleep except for the occasional "druggie nod-off" that occurred.
Maybe all of this now, while on Suboxone is making up for what I did to myself back then. All the wanting to sleep now is from all the sleep I missed while chasing. Who knows..
I do know that you can't "catch up" on sleep. Many people think you can, but if you don't sleep enough today to be rested, then you aren't going to add to your sleep tomorrow and "catch up"...it just don't work that way. As we get older, we get less able to do what we used to do. The strong become weak, the young become old, the able become unable. That's just part of ageing that I'm learning to abide by. I can't do what I used to be able to do...and I gotta face that fact. But I'm not giving up yet...I haven't hit 40, but darn close..so I'm not letting my body decide that I can't do what I want, when I want. If that means throwing a good drinking party of my 40th birthday..then I'll do that too, even though I haven't drank in probably 3 years (any, AT ALL)..
I haven't been drunk in probably 7 years. So I doubt I could handle much over a 6-pack...
But I'm not going to let a couple of years inside, raising my baby while my wife worked, get me down. Soon as she starts school, I'm going back into the labor force..most likely at Home Depot near my home..doing what I enjoy..playing with building materials. I don't care for customer service, but I think I can make manager within a couple years with the right attitude...so I'm aiming for that. I don't need a job, it's more of a want...but I'm not going to just sit home and watch the wind blow.

Just tell yourself "get up and do this"..you'd be surprised how good you'll feel. I've been in that slump and it's not fun...but it can be overcome.

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Adam Wayne P.
DOB: July 1, 1985
October 8, 2013

RIP little brother. Gone, but not forgotten.


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