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 Post subject: Just needing to talk....
PostPosted: Sat Sep 02, 2017 2:09 am 
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Just having a bad night and wanting someone to talk to. Tried the chat thing, it didn't work. I just have so much shit on my mind that I need to unload to someone who will just listen. I can't get that here at home. I tried to tell my husband about my day with the new doctor and counselor today, I was excited to finally feel like I was getting the help I need. He said "It will have to wait until I figure out my Fantasy Football draft"! Are you fucking kidding me? That is more important than my fucking health? Well by the time he figured out his fantasy bullshit it was three hours later and by then he was drunk. I really don't know what to do anymore except go to counseling and talk here. This has been the worst year of my life.


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 02, 2017 11:30 am 
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You state "I really don't know what to do anymore except go to counseling and talk here. This has been the worst year of my life..

This is exactly what you need to do for yourself now. I'm so sorry you don't have support at home. It does make your recovery fall on your shoulders more. You have to be strong and seek the best for your new life.

Unfortunately I can relate to this some what. A Fantasy Football Team should not come before your health dear. Come here & let it all out. This is a great place for that.

I wish I could help. We support each other here as best as possible. Take good care of yourself...you're worth it! Post & let it all out as needed.

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 02, 2017 3:01 pm 
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Totally agree with Dee, counseling and the forum are great places to come to find support.

I am sorry to hear ur husband is being a bit douche baggy :) I'm sure he's getting on ur nerves and who couldn't understand how a drunk hubby would get on ur nerves.

Stress has always been a huge trigger for me. So I started trying to let things go that I was stressing about that I had no control over. It's not easy but u can train urself to do it.

There's been a huge stresser going on in my life lately, well my fiancé actually, and I can't control it. His dispatcher at work is really being unfair to him. His dispatcher is female and I absolutely want to just call her up and say so many inappropriate things, but I can't because it's not my battle to fight it's his. I've been obsessing about it for a week now. I'm trying very hard to let it go because I can't change it. I can't even stick up for him because it's his work. I've prayed, I've cursed, I've cried.... I've done everything except what I want to do and I know I can't do that lol :) I'd be in trouble. It's all about just letting go of stress we cannot control. It can be hard and I get it.

Everything will get better in time. I'm so glad to hear ur doing counseling. That will help u learn to cope a little better with stress.

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 02, 2017 4:27 pm 
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Thanks for the support! I just really felt defeated last night. Happens all the time, I'm used to it actually. It just really hurt my feelings. He always tells me to tell him everything, but when I do, it's either the wrong time or he doesn't remember. DeeKay, are you okay? Aren't you in Houston? Hope everything is going better! Jenn, thank you also for always being here for me! This is my safe haven!


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 03, 2017 10:31 am 
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We're here for u any time Cutimouse!

Getting in recovery is huge but we forget how to handle stress or feelings because we numbed it for so long during active addiction. It can be a little overwhelming at times and we have to learn how to work through those feelings again. That's how I was anyway. I'd been using for years and avoiding anything in my path. When I started recovery, the main thing I had to deal with was getting my children bk..... now that was stressful! Courts and attorneys, all while being in a town where buprenorphine isn't considered recovery. I hadn't found this forum yet but I was in counseling and seeing an addiction counselor. Without that, I'm not sure how I'd have handled it. That's why I say stress is such a trigger for me..... and sadness, that's always been hard to handle. I have gotten better with it though and I know u will too. I hope ur husband can see his mistakes.

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PostPosted: Sun Sep 03, 2017 11:52 am 
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Cutimous, (is this supposed to read cutie mouse?), you didn't indicate how long you've been married, but I so feel you about not being heard by your husband.

My husband and I just passed our 20th anniversary. We didn't do anything to celebrate it. I started in marriage eager to make my husband happy. Unfortunately, there is no making him happy. Everything I did to try to make his life easier was rejected. If I tried to help him with anything, I was in the way. I got pregnant within two months of being married. I have thrown myself into parenting my son and that, at least, has paid off. I have a wonderful relationship with him. He is 19 and in his freshman year of college.

My husband does not validate. He barely says thank you for anything, but if he does, it's for something simple like handing him something. He does not compliment me for anything important like how I've raised our son or for making this a home for us. He certainly never compliments me about how I look. Rule shared a picture of the two of us in the moderator section of the forum, from when we met up for an afternoon this summer. People said nice things about the picture and I automatically rejected anything complimentary because I'm convinced that any compliments are just people being nice, thanks to my husband. The last time I asked him if I looked pretty he told me that I looked pregnant in the dress that I was wearing. I am used to being ignored. I'm used to him tuning me out and cutting me off rudely. Much of the time he acts as though he doesn't like me at all. I spend most of my time in my bedroom so I'm not in his way.

The reason I told you all of this is to let you know that you're not alone. I know what it is like to not be heard to the point that I don't even try anymore. The reason I haven't left is partly because I'm stubborn and partly because I didn't want to disrupt my son's life. Things aren't loud and vitriolic and there is a lot of laughter in our home, mostly because I try very hard to provide humor. So it wasn't a damaging environment for our son, just for me.

I hope that you can find a way to communicate to your husband that you need his attention and focus. You deserve that from him. Maybe write him a letter? That way he is going to read it and "listen" to you for sure. It seems that he is adept at tuning you and your needs out, which is not right.

There is always someone here, so you can always vent here. At the least, I will always commiserate with you, because I have gone through something similar. I'm very hopeful that your marriage is much better than mine and that it's only this one thing that is wrong. (Still worthy of venting about!) You take care!!

Amy

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PostPosted: Sun Sep 03, 2017 1:47 pm 
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I'm so sorry to hear that Amy! U deserve to be happy, u both do. And I guess I just wanted to say that after awhile of trying with no change in the other partner, there is a life out there with someone who will love u the way u deserve to be. It's absolutely there if u ever decide to make a change. I totally understand not wanting a divorce and I have been there myself but dang the grass IS greener on the other side for me. I never knew someone was out there waiting for me like I have now. If ur not with ur soulmate then he's still out there.

I didn't want to say too much to u cutimouse concerning ur husband because I didn't want to assume anything, so please don't think I was coming off as..... it'll get better and ur husband will be fine yada yada. I just wanted to maybe uplift ya a little bit on handling stress and sadness in recovery after we've numbed ourselves so long. I wanted to clear that up because I started wondering if I came off avoiding the reason ur truly unhappy, which I'm assuming is ur relationship. I overthink myself sometimes lol.

Let's be honest, I've been divorced more than once and the last was my youngest son's father and that divorce happened after my stint in rehab. I haven't spoke to him since and my son hasn't spoken to him longer than that. The real pain was divorcing my daughters father because I truly truly wanted to grow old with him. But he was 100% narcissistic. I fought so hard for that marriage but he wouldn't. He cheated, he lied and all the while was coming off as this wonderful police officer protecting his community. (I typed out this long paragraph about stuff he'd done but I don't want him to happen up on this forum someday) I still stuck with him. We divorced after my daughters 2nd bday. I wasn't an addict then and I couldn't imagine dealing with that stuff while in recovery. This man hates me now and I wasn't even the one to break up the marriage. I guess he hates me because I became an addict.

I just wanted to say that Amy, ur a beautiful person inside and outside. U deserve the very best. Cutimouse, u deserve the best partner ever too. I just wanted to put it out there that even though it's scary, starting over can be as fascinating as it is scary. Not being upset all the time or having hurt feelings all the time, it's a different world. I'm not trying to convince either of u to leave because I have no idea what ur situations are personally, but if ur thinking about it but just apprehensive, it could be a whole new beginning! It was for me and I'm nothing special, it will be for u too.

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PostPosted: Sun Sep 03, 2017 2:05 pm 
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Thank you, Jenn. And you are something special.

Amy

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PostPosted: Sun Sep 03, 2017 10:05 pm 
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We all deserve to be appreciated and loved. No matter what! My husband and I have been married 21 years (together 28). We have combined, 3 kids, all adults with their own families. But none together, I had two from previous marriages and he had one. But they were all under 6 when we got together, so we raised them and they all love each other. We are getting our first grandkids. We partied hard back in the late 90's early 2000's. I didn't become an addict to anything except marijuana (I still don't consider that one an addiction) until my neck surgery in 2008 and was put on opioids. Turns out my spinal issues were only to get worse and needed pain management since then. It is a long story, so bear with me. I have tried everything possible medically to get better, I have a LIFE to live. I tried to tell my pain management doctor that I was overtaking (went into withdrawal way to many times because I overtook). You know how that works! I never went to the streets looking, but would beg, borrow and on occasion steal (from family) to get a pain pill. Last year I had a Geneswab done which showed what drugs work with my genetic makeup. Turns out Bup was number one that would work, but none of my regular doctors would hear about it. So I think I've finally found part of the solution to my medical issues. Still needing surgery and it is in the future. Now, my husband is selfish, only thinks about what makes him happy, gets pissed when anyone thinks or says anything that doesn't go with what he wants. Most of the time I overtook my meds were to make sure this house was taken care of. It has just gotten worse since I can't always satisfy his sexual needs. Hell, he's on so many BP meds, he can't get it up anyway! Sorry dudes that read this post! He also never tells me I'm pretty (maybe I'm not), never tells me thanks for keeping this home clean. But by God if he has to help do anything here and I don't praise him or promise a BJ he turns into a big ass whiney child. I feel like I live with a 14 year old! Some of our closest friends have commented that he acts like a teenager! He's 50! I have a lot vested in this marriage! But it seems like ever since I became disabled a few years ago he treats me like a child. Tries to tell me how I need to drive, I didn't rear-end someone last month, he did! But he blamed it on me for him being tired because having to take me to the ER the day before because I couldn't feel my damn legs! Geez! Maybe you need to lay off the Vodka? It's really ironic now though because (I don't wish him pain) that his hip has arthritis and he has been put on a mild pain med and muscle relaxer. He has said the past couple days, oh I hurt, I think I understand now what you have been telling me. Really? But at the same time, now HE really doesn't do or offer to help. SMDH! Can't live with them or without them? I am hoping and praying that this choice I made to get addiction help with the counseling for addiction and depression will give me the tools I need to get out of this! Thanks for all the support! Love and prayers for us all!


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 05, 2017 11:00 am 
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Cutimousf64 wrote:
Thanks for the support! I just really felt defeated last night. Happens all the time, I'm used to it actually. It just really hurt my feelings. He always tells me to tell him everything, but when I do, it's either the wrong time or he doesn't remember. DeeKay, are you okay? Aren't you in Houston? Hope everything is going better! Jenn, thank you also for always being here for me! This is my safe haven!


Dear Cuti, how sweet of you to think of me at this most difficult time. We're getting by. A lot of trauma & destruction around. My life has been turned upside down by this Hurricane. Haven't had a good day since. Too much stress all around.

Will be okay though! I will make it. My best friend will rebuild and be okay. My Sister will rebuild & be okay. My husband's dearest Uncle died in SC so he flew out yesterday & now Hurricane Irma is headed there! Can't believe it.

Again, thank you for your kind thoughts & words! I'm praying for you too!

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 05, 2017 4:24 pm 
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Hi Cuti mous,

I am not sure if your husband was an addict before but I am guessing that he is NOT. With that being said, I would reach out to some other supports systems when you are in dire straits. i.e. a sponsor (whether it be SMART Recovery or NA or an addiction counselor. This blog is wonderful to connect with others that are going through what you are going through . Lots of support and understanding from this place. Also... Writing in a Journal helps too. You may not get a sympathetic ear, but it does help to "get it all out on paper" even if it just you. This helps especially when you go back and re-read it later on to see how far you have come in your recovery.

Your husband probably has your best interest at heart and wants YOU to be open with the communications
And later when things are settled, talk to him about the situation. For me personally, I have always reached out to my counselor in times of need.

I wish you the best!


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 05, 2017 4:41 pm 
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Thank you all for being here for me! DeeKay, I've been praying for you all because I know it's gonna be a long time before things seem normal. Been through a tornado and an ice storm and it takes forever for things to get back on track! We were displaced for weeks after each of those! Living out of suitcases, no power, or heat not to mention the lack of media resources, the basic comforts, which we take for granted until Mother Nature shows up. It's a bitch! But thank God we made it through! Raudy, the treatment center I'm at now is a SMART! So far so good! Expensive, but I think I'm worth it! And I journal every night, it does help! Just hope the hubby doesn't find it, because he won't like it one bit! I get nervous this time everyday before my husband gets home, wondering if I've been able to do enough around the house so he doesn't have to help. I have to learn that I simply can't do all things I could/want to do anymore. At least here and I can chat with people who have similar situations! Today is a good day, hoping each day to come is better!


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