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PostPosted: Sun Aug 30, 2015 11:01 pm 
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So I've written some posts about jumping from16 mg cold turkey. I waited until about 30 days before actually posting, but read many posts before that during my first few weeks of wd. I originally posted looking for answers to how long could it possibly last, has anyone else been successful jumping from this high dose? Were there any positive stories about this?

This was not my first jump so I knew what I was in for...kind of. Because the last time I tapered down to crumbs before my jump, and I still felt like hell for a good while. I was expecting this time to be worse because the dose was higher. I cried and cried before I even jumped, scared to death what I was getting myself into. But as the days went by it seemed to be only as unpleasant as the first time, not much worse at all.

But this time I prepared myself very well during the first few days when I still felt soso. I got a couple cases of ensure, because I knew that would be the only thing I could stomach for a few weeks. I got nyself a big bag of epsom salt and cleaned out my tub real good because I knew id be spending much time in the shower or bath. I got plenty of tp and cottonelle wipes cause I knew id be in the bathroom a whole lot. I made sure I had a bottle of ibp with 500 pills in it. Got 9 to 10 dats off work because of my violent "stomach flu". Lots of fluids, bottled water, viamin water. Then I got some extratime sleepy tea and some exra strength melatonin. Stocked up on vitaamin B12, calcim, magnesium,and zinc supplents

I have a bathromm attached. To my bedrom, ispentquite a bit on tim feelinh so samn sick to mysekkypi


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 30, 2015 11:50 pm 
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Sorry guys and gals I fell asleep while I was writing that! Lol how embarrasingg but I worked late last night then early this morn, then after work had to go to mall to finish back to school shopping! Promise to post the rest tom!

Good night.


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 31, 2015 12:27 am 
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I did think that the ending was a little bit rough! The spelling mistakes are humorous to me because I also sometimes fall asleep while I'm writing something and then wake up to find that I've space barred for a half page straight! Or I start writing things that don't make sense.

I look forward to Part 2! ;)

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 31, 2015 7:07 am 
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Good morning all,

Thanks for that Amy, I feel a little less of an ass! I was typing on my phone that has a keyboard you can pull out, and I think I fell asleep on it and have no idea how I even submitted it! Lol. So I woke up a bit later I was like wtf? Like I said, so embarrassing. I've just been pushing myself past the limit with work lately. Nights, come home, go to sleep, go back. And I'm up so early now cause I have a dr appt at 8 then have to work 11 to 4! And its my baby's first day back to school. We did some last minute shopping at the mall last night after I got off work, so crowded, so draining. But here I am ready to do it all over again. I don't know how I keep all this up!

But as I was trying to say, I have a bathroom in my bedroom and I didn't leave my room for a good 7 days after I jumped this last time. It wasn't as bad as I expected, pretty much the same crap way I felt the first time tapering down slowly. But I had a couple things I think worked in my favor this second time. The first time I quit w my then boyfriend, and he was very nasty going through it and tended to take it out on me. He worked through it, I didn't. So he was mad about that. He even got abusive with me once about a week in, I ended up w a black eye and sore ribs. But I chucked it all up to the wd and forgave him for it. I know, I was a dumbass. We still had a whole bunch of subs left and about 4 days in I felt so bad I ended up taking a very small little crumb. He came home from work, accused me of beng high on pills or whatever. I was like no I just took a tiny bit of sub to feel better. He told me if I ever put that shit in my mouth again we were through. And I loved him so much, I never did.

So fast foward about a year or so. And guess what he brought home one night?! Dope! I was like is that what I think it is? He was like yeah but you don't have to do any if you don't want. But of course I did because he was. I always sniffed it. And before long it was a regular thing we were doing. I threw up profousely every time and didn't even enjoy it. But then we ended up with the sickness and I suggested maybe we should get on subs again. Its legal, better than scoring dope off who knows where, where it can be really bad stuff and you don't know. But after coming off subs and it sucking so bad he was reluctant to start them again, but in the end agreed to it. And he still blames me to this day for getting back on the subs.

I have to start getting ready for my dr and work now, but I promise ill continue later. This is kind of a long story, I know. Thanks for reading!


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 31, 2015 10:07 am 
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Sorry about that double post. I was in a rush! (No problem! I deleted it. -Amy)

But to continue, he blamed me for getting back on subs, I to some extent blamed him for bringing home dope. But we went back on together, and a few months later I got pregnant unexpectedly. I know my doc said it would be fine, the baby would be ok, just may have some wds after birth. But I know the awful feelings of the wd and there's no way id put a baby through that because of my mistake. So we decided it wasn't the right time, that we would get off subs again when we were in a more stable financial situation, then maybe plan for a family. Well that never happened and about 2 weeks later we split for good.

I never even knew what subs were before I met him. He was taking 4 a day. He gave me a couple before I knew what their purpose was, just told me it was an 'opiate' and it really rocked my world. Then he finally came clean about what they were and what he used to do before he got on them. No judgement from me, I supportrd him, I loved him deeply. But then he said he was going to quit and it was going to be really hard. Even me not knowing much about them I figured stopping so suddenly was a bad idea, maybe he should cut down first? But no he was hard headed and said he just wanted to stop instead of prolonging it. He refused to see me for a few months, and hardly talked to me maybe every few weeks. Id never been there and didn't understand. I wanted to do anything to make hime feel better. I would even get him little get well gifts and leave them out in the garage because he didn't want to see me, or for me to see him like that. I felt I lost my love and wasn't sure id ever get him back. It was awful

So after a few months we started talking again. I guess he felt the worst was over and it was then ok to start using dope again. He even used it with me sometimes. I was kind of dumbfounded, because he went through those months of hell only to go back to the thing that put him there?

But we ended back to where we began, in love I guess, moved in together, and he decided he (we) should start taking subs. I trusted him and said ok. We were on them for a little over a year prob when he kind of sprang it up on me he wanted to quit and not be on them forever. So me loving and trusting him said ok, and we quit together. We prob never should have. But like I said I trusted him so I went along with it.

Now were not together this jump has been equally as physically unpleasant, but I don't have to deal with anyone taking their misery out on me. And I feel like that alone has made it ten times easier.

Don't get me wrong, the first 5 weeks were hell. I looked back on my first posts and compare them to how I'm feeling now, and I can see much improvement. I know I can do this. I know I can beat this thing.

I have nothing at all against subs. They helped me get to where I am today. And I always knew there was going to be a time when id be ready to quit for my reasons alone, and this time is now. A little unexpected or prepared for, but I know in my heart its my time.


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 31, 2015 11:54 am 
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Hey Qom, Amazing story! I've said it before and will say it again, you are a hero! I don't know how you can do it! I can handle all the symptoms of withdrawl with the exception of that depression or darkness that comes. I can not deal with that for more than a day or two. The depression is what led me to use in the first place! Thank you so much for sharing! There is no way of knowing how many you will help but I have no doubt that it will!


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 31, 2015 2:23 pm 
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Forgive me, because I'm terrible with details I've read previously, but were you ever on sub while simultaneously working on recovery? Did you have a sub doctor or did you get yours off the streets?

I'm just asking because I wonder how things might have gone differently for you if you had done the research and went into using sub with your eyes wide open. It seems like you were just floating along with no anchor other than your boyfriend and following his whims. Stability might have been a lot more attainable if the approach had been different.

Please know that I'm not criticizing you. It could be that being in that relationship was what had to happen in your life. I have no way of knowing that. I'm just wondering out loud, so forgive my speculation. :)

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 31, 2015 6:25 pm 
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Well he had a sub dr that he introduced me to and I started getting my own scripts. But that dr is a family friend and considers each visit with him "informal counseling". As long as my urine was clean, which it always was except for my prescriptions, he just told me keep on doing the right thing. He told my ex he should consider being on it long term, but that just didn't suit his fancy. He wanted off and tried unsuccessfully a few times. I loved him more than anything, and my discovery of opiates and their consequences seemed to go hand and hand in our relationship. I never had any problems with them before I met and got involved with him. I'm not saying I blame him for it at all, but that was just part of his life I came to understand first hand. I still love the man with all my heart, but it may not be the most healthy happy situation for me to be involved with him. My mom knows the whole story, and she said when I quit subs I shouldn't even speak to him anymore at all. But it hurts, because I truly feel he was the love of my life. No one compares. That's why almost 3 years later I'm still alone. I don't know if ill ever be able to get past this emotional pain the whole situation caused. I don't want to ever put myself again in such a vulnerable position.


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 31, 2015 6:35 pm 
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I still beat myself up over this whole thing and have cried many hours over it all. Such a tremendous loss I've experienced. Like a death in the family. But I'm trying to understand this was the best thing that could have happened, as painful and traumatizing at it may be, for me to be my best most healthy person I can be. Damn why are all the most important lessons the toughest to learn? And why do I still have such intense feelings for someone I went through all this with? Is it normal? I think about him every day and just hope he's doing well. But at this point in time he's pretty much told me to fuck off and have a nice life. You think id get that msg loud and clear, but I still hold a flame for him in my heart. Sorry for the rant. There's nobody I know I can say this all to without their judgement or two cents. But these are my true feelings, irrational or messed up as they may be.


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 31, 2015 7:22 pm 
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Oh Q, you are a strong, independent woman with so much on your plate! I admire your strength in staying away from a toxic relationship regardless of your heart! Who knows what the future holds! Maybe he will change for the better and it will work. But, for now, you are doing what is best for you! Bravo!


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 01, 2015 11:08 am 
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Thanks Michelle for the kind words. It made me cry! Even though I know I'm doing the right thing, it still hurts like nothing else I've ever experienced. It feels like my heart has been shattered into a million pieces. Its nice to be able to talk about this. Sometimes it just gets so hard putting on the tough chick who takes no bs front.


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 01, 2015 11:28 am 
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I don't want to sound like a whiny pathetic bitch here. I've known pain my whole life, been through some rough shit, depression and anxiety since as long as I can remember. Even been through bad relationships before. To hell and back many many times. And all that has made me who I am today, so it wasn't all for nothing. But I can tell you nothing has ever come close to this experience with my ex bf and then husband. (We actually got married). Seriously, my daughters at school and I'm sitting here sobbing because I just don't understand. And its been 3 years. I'm 32, I don't like being alone, but I just don't know if I have it in me to do it again.


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 01, 2015 1:09 pm 
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Oh Qom,

I'm so sorry for what you've had to go through these last few years! No one thinks less of you for sharing your feelings. Sharing your vulnerabilities is incredibly brave! You have had to be very strong and you've had to put on a strong front for others. I'm glad you're feeling like you can open up here.

You are at a point that you have options concerning your recovery. You are feeling much better physically and you can continue an abstinence based recovery. You know that going back on bupe is an option for you if you're close to relapsing. If you decide to go back on it someday you can start on a low dose and only take what you need.

I hope it doesn't sound presumptuous of me to suggest that you seek some additional help for yourself. If you could find an addiction therapist who suits you, perhaps he or she could help you sort through your relationship with your ex and help you find some peace with it. Having a therapist would also strengthen your continued recovery.

I'm sorry if I upset you with my earlier comments, but I'm glad that you were moved to share with us some of the pain you've been holding onto. We all have pain, we all know pain. We can be a great support to one another because we can all relate.

I really hope you stick with us, Qom, despite having gotten off of sub. You are always welcome here.

Amy

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 01, 2015 10:09 pm 
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Amy,

You have never upset or offended me in any way with your comments. I truly appreciate and value your perspective and insight. I do have an appointment with a therapist next week. I've been having a tough time emotionally today, not myself. I guess sharing my pain and having it on my mind all day, along with all the drama with my daughter, is really taking its toll on me. I'm lucky enough that I could take the next 2 to 3 days off work. I feel like a mess, and the stress is affecting me mentally and physically. I've been dealing with and carrying around with me some pretty deep, dark, disturbing stuff. I think its all just coming to the surface? I'm really glad I did decide to go talk with a professional about it. I'm ready and have matured enough to know I need some help. When I was younger, I was like, I got this, there's nobody or nothing that's going to help. But I feel I'm ready now. Thanks for listening and welcoming me here. You all are awesome!


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 02, 2015 9:56 am 
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Horay for you Qom! Just wait! If you have a counselor you really like and are comfortable with, you can unload all that baggage and it will be such a relief! Now, its not easy. You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable and it is a lot of working on yourself but you will be amazed at how you will start to feel better! And please, if I had a nickel for every tear I shed over a man...well lets just say you and I both would own a vacation home on some beautiful island! lol Enjoy today!


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