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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Mon Jun 30, 2014 7:14 am 
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Coming down from where you jumped at .5 mama to where I jumped at .15 was two weeks that were not great, so maybe a lot of my detox is already over.

Funny you should mention late night DGAS meals. Got really restless when I tried to sleep last night, as in thrashing around restless. What cured it was stuffing my face; a grapefruit, a bowl of crumbs from the bottom of the cerereal box, granola bars, anything I could get my hands on. Soon as I stuffed myself, I fell right off to sleep.

Feeling not badly at beginning of day 4, will update when I get to my laptop in a bit. Pity you people south of the border, lol, I have today and tomorrow off. You can pity me during your long weekend.

-- ji

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Mon Jun 30, 2014 7:24 am 
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Hey JI! I was just stopping by to wish you "Good Morning and Congrats on reaching DAY 4!!
You beat me up this morning! (I mean awake- ha ha- I feel "beat up" enough!)

Also, is your avatar meaning a "secret" or will you tell me what it says please? :wink:

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Mon Jun 30, 2014 12:40 pm 
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Hey BF, it's the same basic pattern I used for a recovery anniversary tattoo. It's the Kanji characters for 'serenity,' I put up a picture of my 'too on Trainer's thread.

Day 4 Early Update; Just got to my laptop, so I couldn't do my update earlier. Woke up thinking that I didn't feel better than yesterday, but actually maybe I do feel better, maybe I was just expecting to feel even better than I do. I think false expectation can be deadly, so I'm just going to try to stay in the moment.

I got 20 minutes of extreme restlessness just as I went to bed last night, took my very last clonidine pill, which didn't help at all, but is probably making me feel worse today. As mentioned, a food binge settle me down, I think my body is craving nutrients.

Just finished a distance swim, further than yesterday, and I felt better in the water. Definitely feel more capable of doing stuff today, compared to yesterday.

One thing I notice today, I'm definitely feeling some grief I need to connect with, but I think I'm fighting it off, trying to stay 'happy' (which I pretty much am today). Like false expectations, stuffing down unpleasant feelings is not good for me, I need to be totally honest with myself, otherwise i'll find myself getting resentful and irritable, which is not a good plan for a successful detox.

-- ji

Edit: forgot to mention, I got about 5 hours of sleep last night, with a 2 hour intermission around 2 am. Was sneezing a lot overnight, but not so much today.

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Mon Jun 30, 2014 1:06 pm 
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johnny_ikon wrote:

One thing I notice today, I'm definitely feeling some grief I need to connect with, but I think I'm fighting it off, trying to stay 'happy' (which I pretty much am today). Like false expectations, stuffing down unpleasant feelings is not good for me, I need to be totally honest with myself, otherwise i'll find myself getting resentful and irritable, which is not a good plan for a successful detox.

-- ji


Each day your energy will increase a bit- I think mine is going up about 10% daily. I am trying to just focus on things I can do today I wasn't able to yesterday as that is evidence of healing and keeping me positive. I understand those feelings coming up now...and I understand you need to feel them....I just worry that "now" is a kinda dangerous time to go down that road....I'm worried I would have a hard time coming back right now, but do plan to get some therapy once my body and mind are more healed, and I am stronger...you are probably much stronger than I am right now ji-

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Mon Jun 30, 2014 1:07 pm 
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Man, I had to do the same food binge thing in early wd, too. I think (?) eating releases endorphins and I think that's what helps us sleep. Hey, whatever works.

The grief feeling that you're getting is pretty normal. Getting a flood of "old" emotions is par for the course, just don't succumb to them.

I also remember my drug counselor explaining to me how I would grieve the loss of my drug. I thought he was nuts for saying that, but turned out he was right. Early recovery involves a lot of screwy emotions.....have you maybe thought about working with an addiction counselor to help you navigate through this?

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Tue Jul 01, 2014 2:58 am 
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Hey Romeo, interesting idea, but here's the thing; I've grieved for relationships that left me with a feeling of unfinished business. But where a relationship had run its course completely, I felt no grief at all. This is how I feel about Sub's (and everything else). I haven't had a single 2nd thought or craving since starting my taper.

Just need to acknowledge that there's still some healing to be done -- as an addict, of course, I want to get to happy, joyous & free a day or 2 after my last Sub's dose.

Didn't know eating created endorphins, that's good to know.

-- ji

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Tue Jul 01, 2014 3:10 am 
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Good evening, other non-sleeper at this godawful hour! I read your post about not craving subs during your taper, and neither have I this whole time. It was never really a battle to not take just a little more. I completely understand about wanting to feel better the second we put down whatever substance was making our lives unmanageable. I've had multiple years of clean time in the past, and it took some time, but I eventually could start enjoying moments, sometimes days, of peace. I don't know if you are programming with either one of the fellowships (I think I read something along those lines on your thread), but the part in the reading that says "we didn't become addicted in one day, so remember, easy does it", took me a while to grasp what that meant at first. I've created a lot of wreckage in my life, hurt a lot of people, and have done some seriously shameful and awful things as a result of my addiction, and the only way I was able to work through a lot of those things was by working steps. I am looking forward to starting that process over again and cleansing the internal stuff. Anyway, just saw you were up so thought I'd post. I'm deliriously, late-night/early morning rambling now, so have a good day and just keep on doing what you've been doing!


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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Tue Jul 01, 2014 8:44 am 
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Hey mama, ya, that was a middle of the night post. BTW I'm i n AA and CA.

Day 5 Up And At 'Em; qwik update, typing on my phone

- split shift w/ sleep last nite, 2 hours on, 3 hours off, 2 more hours on. Final 2 hours were incredibly deep & restful, vivid dreams for first time in ages.

- woke up feeling a little rubbery-legged but, because I won't be hitting gym or pool today, went out for 20 min run first thing this morning (+ p-ups + s-ups). Pushed myself to do prayers, meditation, breakfast, getting dressed w/ extra care, in time to catch an early commuter train. No effin' way I could have done this yesterday, I'm definitely getting better physically.

- sneezing and a touch of stomach queasiness this morning, wondering if I actually have a summer cold (often get one each summer plus I always got sick when getting off opiates before).

- I remember the old junky joke about pupils getting pinned so too much world doesn't get in -- well, plenty of world getting in today. Like mama said, i'm more alert & everything seems brighter. This will take some getting used to, lol.

- off to see my dad for a bit (he's not well) then spending Canada Day w/ someone special (it's a sort of 2nd second date - don't ask!).

- really looking forward to the day, should get out of my head for awhile + have some fun.

- thumbs up to my jump sisters & brothers.

-- ji

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Tue Jul 01, 2014 9:20 am 
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Hey Ji-Bro-Son!
(I'm gonna let the "CF" comment slide....this time!! lol)

That is just great to hear how well you are doing this morning! Everyday it truly does get better, but yeah, the "awakening' of the senses is a bit bizarre but in a mostly good (kind of scary?) way. I could feel myself coming "out of the fog" during my taper, but now I feel it full force- is it the same for you?
Enjoy your day- sounds like you have a great one ahead! So sorry to hear your dad is not well though, but you are a good son to go visit him today!

Bf

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Tue Jul 01, 2014 5:17 pm 
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johnny_ikon wrote:
Trainer I'll always be proud of you, you stuck out a tough run.

OK day 3 winding down, here's my update. Still felt some heaviness and fatigue today, but this might be due partly to clonidine taken middle of night to help with sleep. But much more energy than yesterday for sure, I wuz a zombie yesterday.
-- ji

I think the clonidine has that effect, but I does numb some of the side effects, it just has some of its own. not bad thou kinda what you need in the first few days.


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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Tue Jul 01, 2014 7:35 pm 
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Qwik phone-typed update, day 5 got better as the day wore on, I feel pretty good.

Back to work tomorrow, will see how that goes.

-- ji

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Tue Jul 01, 2014 8:48 pm 
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Woo woo JI is on the mend!!!!!! Have a good day at work!!!!


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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Tue Jul 01, 2014 8:56 pm 
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Hey JI, I understand exactly what you mean about your relationship with Sub having run its course. That's good to hear.

I'm glad to hear you're in AA. Some good recovery in there.

HA, I had to LOL about wanting what we want and wanting it NOW!! When I hit the McDonalds drive thru, I think they're too slow. I wanna drive up and have them throw the food in my mouth as I drive by the window. MMmmmm, McDonalds!!!

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Wed Jul 02, 2014 5:37 am 
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Hey JI!! Happy Day 6! I'm certain you feel better than day 5 (because I did- lol)

I'm sending you as much "positive energy" as I can muster today, because you are facing a new situation going to work. I hope you stay centered and calm, and remember, you will feel more clear and healthy by the hour.

You are strong (a soldier) and kind (a lover :D ) and I wish you a wonderful day!
BF

PS. To Romeo: (MMmmmm,....McBARF!!!) LOL!!

Romeo wrote:
MMmmmm, McDonalds!!!

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Wed Jul 02, 2014 12:47 pm 
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JI, just stopping by to wish you well on your day back to work!!!!!!!!


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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Wed Jul 02, 2014 1:23 pm 
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OMG is it hard to work on 3 hours sleep, barely halfway thru the day and I'm ready to snooze right at my desk. At lunch, on my way to the pool, I tried to grab a 15 min nap, and of course I was wide awake as soon as I lay down. Grrrrrrrrr!

Otherwise feeling really good today, strong, with minimal physical symptoms (other than no sleep). A few sneezes, a slightly loose stomach, though I'm having no trouble eating normally. Just need some normal shut-eye tonite!!!!

Had a doc app't this morning -- routine checkup results -- and it was interesting to hear about opiate use long-term effects on the body.

Anyways, this will have to do for my day 6 early update, gotta put my nose back on the grindstone.

Thanks for checking in, and thanks for the NRG. My mom does Reiki, and I believe.

BTW I'm with BF in terms of McDonald's; can't eat anything there -- with exception of chicken wraps -- without getting a stomach ache.

-- ji

ButterFLYING! wrote:
Hey JI!! Happy Day 6! I'm certain you feel better than day 5 (because I did- lol)

I'm sending you as much "positive energy" as I can muster today, because you are facing a new situation going to work. I hope you stay centered and calm, and remember, you will feel more clear and healthy by the hour.

You are strong (a soldier) and kind (a lover :D ) and I wish you a wonderful day!
BF

PS. To Romeo: (MMmmmm,....McBARF!!!) LOL!!

Romeo wrote:
MMmmmm, McDonalds!!!

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-- Rumi, Sufi poet and teacher


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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Wed Jul 02, 2014 1:51 pm 
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Thats so cool about your mom- yes , I also believe, as "everything" is energy!!
JI, have you tried Trazadone for sleep? Has your dr. mentioned it? If not, you may want to talk to him,her and get a scrip called in. I've been taking 1 Traz and 1 clon and slept well 2 nights in a row. I'm sure it is helping me heal faster than I would have otherwise.
Hang in there- work day won't last forever!
BF ("other" mother :D )

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Wed Jul 02, 2014 4:33 pm 
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Tick-tick-tick-tick, 31 minutes to go. Don't care if I'm seen leaving right on the stroke of 5 pm, almost passing out at my desk. It's official; this blows. I need sleep.

Apart from the tiredness, this has been an awesome day. I've felt a serenity and a connectedness with people that I haven't felt since I finished steps 5 - 6 - 7 about 10 weeks ago, and experienced that psychic change people keep talking about. That was while I was still on Subs, about 3 or 4 mg/day. The feeling got messed up badly during my taper thru lower doses, but it seems to be coming back.

Hope all the other jumpers are having a good day.

-- JI

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Wed Jul 02, 2014 4:39 pm 
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Congrats on everyone's success on jumping off. I,m on 10mcg butrans patch now, but will have to jump off from that in a week due to employment drug test.


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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Wed Jul 02, 2014 4:39 pm 
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Oh yeah.....been there! Not fun. I did notice though as soon as I got out of work, my energy came back a little. Change of scenery I guess. Lol

operating on 3 hours of sleep blows...... but I found my sleep came back pretty quickly. Maybe the exhaustion just forced my body to sleep thru the night.

glad you had a great day regardless! I enjoyed a day off today but back at it tomorrow. Blah. I would love to win the lottery!


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