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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Tue Jul 29, 2014 9:47 pm 
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Romeo wrote:
Hey JI

BTW, yes, I have been clean awhile, but that doesn't mean that I'm any less fucked up in the head than you are!! :wink:


I knew that too, Romeo. :mrgreen:

-- ji

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Wed Jul 30, 2014 4:55 am 
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Ha ha JI!! (Poor Romeo- sometimes he gets it from all sides....but most times he asks for it! lol)

No clue what "day" it is, 30 "something"- HAVE A GREAT ONE!
:D BF

PS. Feeling fine at this end- still a bit of sneezing and not sleeping as long as I'd like, but getting there.

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Wed Jul 30, 2014 6:58 am 
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Hey BF. I guess we're 30-somethings. Maybe it's time to start counting by the month.

-- ji

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Wed Jul 30, 2014 7:05 am 
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Sounds like a plan JI. I guess for me I will "count" my month each 26th since that was my jump day, and yours the 27th, yes? So next milestone for me: Aug. 26 = 2 months!

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Wed Jul 30, 2014 9:13 am 
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Hi BF, ya, July 27th was my jump day (1st day without Subs).

But now that I've convinced you to stop keeping a daily count, I think that I'm going to keep up with mine, at least for the time being (while I'm still doing daily updates) -- I'm a self-centered addict, and maybe this scheme of mine will mean that people will pay more attention to me, lol.

Trouble is, I've been doing my daily count by looking at your thread, and adding 1 day to my count. Now I've got to figure this out on my own!

-- ji

ButterFLYING! wrote:
Sounds like a plan JI. I guess for me I will "count" my month each 26th since that was my jump day, and yours the 27th, yes? So next milestone for me: Aug. 26 = 2 months!

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Wed Jul 30, 2014 9:36 am 
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Day, um, 33 for me (sorry BF). I had a remarkable night last night.

Woke up after about 4-1/2 hours, which is usual for me these days, though, after an hour or two, I usually have been falling back asleep for the final couple hours of the night.

When I wake up, it's usually with my mind wanting to go into overdrive, thinking about how I can get this or that, or what happens if some other things don't turn out as hoped. Not super intense, but not a great way to awake during the middle of the night. And I almost always feel a sense of fear and hurt deep inside. Again, not very intense, but it's there (during my taper and early jump, it was very intense at times, sometimes unmanageable).

Last night, however, I felt the fear and hurt transform itself itself into an incredibly powerful sense of well-being and joy. So strong that it took my breath away. I remember getting a similar feeling after I finished doing the 12 Steps 4 or 5 months ago (while still on Subs), an amazing feeling of freedom, but last night it was 25 times as powerful.

One of my favourite AA speakers talks about how one of our biggest fears can be about getting well -- we get so comfortable and accustomed to being in the disease of addiction, how are we going to handle living with some real Power in our lives, liberated (more often than not) from resentment, selfishness and self-centered fear. What would life look like, if we had the freedom to do what we need to do and what's needed of us?

I could relate to that last night; I could feel myself involuntarily resisting the Power (or whatever it is), and it will take some getting used to.

This morning, on my way to work, I felt much more alert to the things around me, and in closer contact with my surroundings. I remember Mama making a comment after her jump about how everything was starting to look brighter and more clear. I felt that too right after my jump, but it's far stronger this morning.

One last word relating to Romeo's comment a few posts up; doesn't matter how 'free' or 'connected' I am or I get, I, too will always be an addict prey to insane thinking (the mission of which is to lead me back to using), that will never change. But on days like today, with a 24-hour reprieve of sanity, I can embrace the chaos and enjoy the ride.

-- ji

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Wed Jul 30, 2014 12:55 pm 
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Keep it upman. Was going to write a paragraph but it looks like i have to go se ll a car

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Wed Jul 30, 2014 2:25 pm 
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johnny_ikon wrote:
Day, um, 33 for me (sorry BF). I had a remarkable night last night.

Woke up after about 4-1/2 hours, which is usual for me these days, though, after an hour or two, I usually have been falling back asleep for the final couple hours of the night.
[b]
When I wake up, it's usually with my mind wanting to go into overdrive, thinking about how I can get this or that, or what happens if some other things don't turn out as hoped. Not super intense, but not a great way to awake during the middle of the night. And I almost always feel a sense of fear and hurt deep inside. Again, not very intense, but it's there (during my taper and early jump, it was very intense at times, sometimes unmanageable).
[/b]

Last night, however, I felt the fear and hurt transform itself itself into an incredibly powerful sense of well-being and joy. So strong that it took my breath away. I remember getting a similar feeling after I finished doing the 12 Steps 4 or 5 months ago (while still on Subs), an amazing feeling of freedom, but last night it was 25 times as powerful.

One of my favourite AA speakers talks about how one of our biggest fears can be about getting well -- we get so comfortable and accustomed to being in the disease of addiction, how are we going to handle living with some real Power in our lives, liberated (more often than not) from resentment, selfishness and self-centered fear. What would life look like, if we had the freedom to do what we need to do and what's needed of us?

I could relate to that last night; I could feel myself involuntarily resisting the Power (or whatever it is), and it will take some getting used to.

This morning, on my way to work, I felt much more alert to the things around me, and in closer contact with my surroundings. I remember Mama making a comment after her jump about how everything was starting to look brighter and more clear. I felt that too right after my jump, but it's far stronger this morning.

One last word relating to Romeo's comment a few posts up; doesn't matter how 'free' or 'connected' I am or I get, I, too will always be an addict prey to insane thinking (the mission of which is to lead me back to using), that will never change. But on days like today, with a 24-hour reprieve of sanity, I can embrace the chaos and enjoy the ride.

-- ji


a psych doc would call that precipitated anxiety. Keep positive dude! Try to medittate first thing in the morning. I have flashbacks almost every nighg, and if it werent for my own version of meditation, i would be on xanax. I was actually on it for years. Still in withdrawal from it 6 months later. If you can learn how to focus on your heart rate, and slow it down, those fearfull feelings go away. Most thinking goes away when im in that atate of mind. If anyone knows what im talking about you do. You seem centered. Keep moving forward bro

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Wed Jul 30, 2014 3:10 pm 
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Hi Hope, what I was describing last night was the complete opposite of anxiety, it was complete peace. I want more!

What I usually have been experiencing (and am sure to continue experiencing, from time to time at least) is garden variety addict sh*t, resentment, self-centered fear, etc. It felt amazing to have this stuff taken away so completely.

-- ji

h0pe wrote:
a psych doc would call that precipitated anxiety. Keep positive dude! Try to medittate first thing in the morning. I have flashbacks almost every nighg, and if it werent for my own version of meditation, i would be on xanax. I was actually on it for years. Still in withdrawal from it 6 months later. If you can learn how to focus on your heart rate, and slow it down, those fearfull feelings go away. Most thinking goes away when im in that atate of mind. If anyone knows what im talking about you do. You seem centered. Keep moving forward bro

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Wed Jul 30, 2014 7:56 pm 
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h0pe wrote:
[

a psych doc would call that precipitated anxiety. Keep positive dude! Try to medittate first thing in the morning. I have flashbacks almost every nighg, and if it werent for my own version of meditation, i would be on xanax. I was actually on it for years. Still in withdrawal from it 6 months later. If you can learn how to focus on your heart rate, and slow it down, those fearfull feelings go away. Most thinking goes away when im in that atate of mind. If anyone knows what im talking about you do. You seem centered. Keep moving forward bro

(another great post today JI!)

Hi h0pe, the underlined sounds horrible for you! I am worried about you. Have you made it to a meeting yet? JI is finding peace because he is not trying to do this "his way" on his own..(right JI?).
I'm happy you have found a version of meditation that works for you, but wouldn't it be nice to take some action so you don't have the flashbacks in the first place?
Great job for getting off the xanax btw!!!
:D BF

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Last edited by ButterFLYING! on Thu Jul 31, 2014 5:10 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Wed Jul 30, 2014 9:20 pm 
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Hey johnny. I'll be honest, i didnt read past the second paragraph 'adhd'. I just went back and read the third paragraph haha. I wish i would have read everything before posting because it was nice to read. Very cool man. Btw i really do have adhd, my bad for not making sense hehe

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Thu Jul 31, 2014 9:30 am 
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Hi h0pe, I don't have adhd, but I can be very scatterbrained, and I don't think I read your post properly.

Are you really still feeling withdrawal and experiencing flashbacks at 6 months? That sounds like a tough way to live.

What else are you doing for your recovery besides meditation?

-- ji

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Thu Jul 31, 2014 9:43 am 
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Day 35 today -- yesterday was actually Day 34, not Day 33 as mentioned. I'm putting the mistake on BF for not keeping up her day-to-day count, which is one day ahead of me.

Very similar night last night to my previous night, woke up after 4 hours, only I think I fell back asleep after only an hour, and I slept 2 or 3 hours more. Feeling rested is very underrated.

Same thing, too, in the middle of the night; low-grade nameless fear transforming itself into a powerful sense of peace and total ease. Not nearly as strong last night as the night before, but that's ok. It's great feeling connected like this while meditating at 3 am, but where I really need The Power is in my everyday life, so that I can be loving and useful (instead of trapped in my addict head) to family members, friends and other personal relations, my employer and our clients, still suffering addicts that I've been given a chance to help, basically everyone and anyone who is placed in my path.

Here's a quote from Eckhart Tolle's first book (The Power of Now), talking about drug use, both street drugs and prescription:

'These drugs, of course, simply keep you stuck in dysfunction. Their widespread use only delays the breakdown of the old mind structures and the emergence of higher consciousness. While individuals may get some relief from the daily torture inflicted on them by their own minds, they are prevented from generating enough conscious presence to rise above thought and so find true liberation.'

-- ji

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Thu Jul 31, 2014 5:54 pm 
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Hey JI, Im glad your still going strong. Your thread was the first one I read, and gave me a lot of inspiration when I was on day 3 up all night with a prescription in my hand. Today is day 20 and I never filled my script. Ive felt good overall the past week, as sleep as slowly came back.

I also started going back to meetings. Which have been helpful in many ways. Reconnected with my sponsor and excited to do the work on myself to help me recover and become my authentic self.

I have love/hate feelings for Buffalo, but its actually slowly getting better, believe it or not. That said- I'm ready to move on.

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Fri Aug 01, 2014 8:48 am 
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Congrats on Day 21 today, Breezhy, hope it's going well.

Thanks for the kind words.

I happen to think Buffalo is very cool.

-- ji

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Fri Aug 01, 2014 4:13 pm 
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Day 36 for me, and wanted to do a quick update.

Getting a really strong sense of calm acceptance, this has been growing for a number of days, and feeling it especially clearly today.

A lot of things went 'wrong' today, only they're not wrong, just the way things turned out, and I'm fine with them.

The clarity and serenity I'm feeling are more than what I hoped for in recovery, and i have a hunch that these qualities will only get stronger over time. I absolutely love sobriety today.

-- ji

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2014 4:43 pm 
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Day 40 for me, and I wanted to post an update.

I continue to notice an improvement in my energy levels, mental clarity, and overall mood. Being clean does keep getting better and better, and I have a strong feeling that this will continue.

The biggest thing I've noticed over the past few days is that I'm finally getting out of my head more (the proverbial 'insane addict brain'), which is a very good thing. After getting off Subs, it became brutally clear to me how much mental time and effort I was spending being remorseful over the past, and being either apprehensive or overconfident about the future. This kind of sh*t is bad news for an addict like me.

But whether as a result of detox healing, or the 12 step-spiritual stuff I do each day, I find that it's easier to stay in the moment, focusing on what's in front of me. When I do this, my serenity and happiness levels are generally pretty high.

Several days ago I mentioned bumping into a recovery friend who had relapsed, and was out trying to score (and sell some stolen merch). The last thing I thought as he walked away was that I hope I see him again soon, ready to ask for help.

I was shocked to learn that he died of an overdose two days ago. An amazing guy, who brought a lot of happiness into a lot of lives, despite his struggles.

This is the second person I know who OD'd within the past few days, which brings home the message we hear a lot in 12 Step; we all might have another relapse in us, but no guarantee that there will be another chance for recovery.

-- ji

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2014 7:10 pm 
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Congrats on Day 40 Jump Bro/Son- I could not be happier for you! Great post- thank you!
Peace,
:D BF

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Sun Aug 10, 2014 8:14 am 
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Hey chicken arm bicep man....how are ya? Just checking in :)


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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Sun Aug 10, 2014 1:04 pm 
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trainer14 wrote:
Hey chicken arm bicep man....how are ya? Just checking in :)


Hi Trainer, saw your post about your bonus 'day off,' good for you.

I'm on day 45 today and I've generally been doing really well. Had some powerful 'breakthroughs' late last week -- my meditations were taking me to places where I was able to unload some heavy emotional crap wholesale. The stomach tension I've been carrying around since late in my taper completely disappeared Friday morning, which felt absolutely amazing, and I was in total joy pretty much all day.

All my last remaining physical w/d symptoms -- sneezing, being a little sweaty at night, etc -- are gone.

Still have some challenges, for sure. Spent the day yesterday with someone very special that I was seeing earlier in the summer. Had a great day, but I woke up this morning feeling some major hurt, no idea where it's coming from. I've come to realize that this happens after every time I spend the day with her.

Have to either find a way past it -- and maybe finding a way thru is why The Creator put someone in my life with whom I'm so powerfully connected -- or accept that an intimate relationship is just not I the cards for me at this point. I need to keep myself in a place spiritually where I can be good with either outcome. Not easy, but this is how we grow.

BTW yesterday was a wonderful laid back day on Toronto Island, which is as close as you can get to paradise in Toronto on a hot summer day. We didn't bring swim suits, but we did find a small secluded stretch of beach, and went into the lake, me in my CK briefs (no pix, sorry ladies, lol). Won't say what she was wearing, but there was very little left to the imagination, and I have a vivid imagination.

Anyhow, sobriety is keeps getting better, getting off Methadone/Subs is one of the best things I've ever done for myself, if not 'the' best.

Me out.

-- ji

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