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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2014 6:46 am 
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no_boop_shoo_be_doop wrote:

God must love Bacon Eaters more than any other of his children, to allow it to continue. You and Trainer could very well be the Chosen Ones!

Believe it or not, (IMO) "God" loves EVERYONE equally- yes, even the Bacon Eaters (LOL), and we are ALL the "chosen ones" as we are ALL his children.
Could a truly loving parent "choose" one child over another no matter WHAT their behavior? IMO no "group", "religion" "sect", non-group, etc, etc is more "chosen" or "right" than any other. We are all human beings, loved equally, and God wants each of us healthy (holy) so we can be joyful and reach out to help others which increases our joy as we struggle to continue to learn and grow so that "someday" we will have the most beautifully evolved spirits possible to share with God and each other in that "other" 'eternal' realm of energy where there is no 'time' - no beginning or ending- only the "present" which is all we really have anyway- all other aspects of "time" are illusion and do not exist- they are "man made" concepts to help us order the sequence of our lives and explain the Universe. In "reality" it is never truly the past or the future, it is ALWAY the 'now', the present, right? The rest is just a thought. I believe that in eternity it will always be the "preset' with no need or even aptitude to "think" about the past or the future. A never ending "now". IMO, That is how God is the Alpha and Omega- all "time" is only the "present" including what we "perceive" as the beginning and the end.

Well, went way way way deep there from "bacon" to defining "eternity" ha ha ha! Just my personal thoughts / beliefs on a subject that fascinates me.
If the bacon lovers truly ARE the chosen ones.....I'm screwed....see ya in hell people! ha ha ha!!! :D

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2014 1:16 pm 
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Hi Boop, thanks.

I had a fun day yesterday, but I terrible night last night. I'll post about it at the bottom of the thread.

-- ji

no_boop_shoo_be_doop wrote:
Today's your 30 days sub free, Mr. Ikon!?

Cool...

...and congrats! I hope you have a fun weekend, to celebrate your having made it this far.

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2014 1:17 pm 
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Hi Romeo, thanks! Hope you're having a great weekend.

-- ji

Romeo wrote:
Hey Johnny, as I was reading through your thread yesterday, you mentioned something about birds or animals running around in your head and referred to them as your scattered thoughts. I used to tell people I felt like I had a dozen stupid squirrels running around in my head. They were all doing their own thing and they were banging into one another and whatnot. I don't remember exactly where I was in my recovery when those Ding Dongs finally all started running in unison, but it happened. I'm glad you're getting your thoughts to calm and come in order, just keep at it and eventually it'll become the norm.

Congratulations on 30 days, man!!!!

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2014 1:44 pm 
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Hi everyone, day 31 for me today -- start of month two -- and man, do I feel sore.

Baseball was fun yesterday and, yes, I did go harder than planned, but not stupidly hard. Then we played a second game (against the winner of the other game), and I knew it was a bad idea to play again. Had to drink cola (which I never do) by the 3rd inning for sugar energy.

I'm actually not as bad as I feared today, unless I have one of those extra strength cases of soreness and stiffness, which won't fully come on until tomorrow. Have to wait and see.

I had a great time connecting with a number of friends at the BBQ, but by the time I got home last night, I was in a not great mental state. Started thinking about doing something really stupid -- whatever 'stupid' is, for an addict, at the end of the day it's always about going back to using.

Here's the thing; while meditating during the morning yesterday, I heard that voice in my heart tell me clearly to go help my parents for the day, as originally planned. But I ignored it, told my parents I would come see them next weekend, and went to the BBQ instead. Felt like I was having a great time, but I can see that I was running mostly on ego yesterday, which takes me totally in the wrong direction.

Last night scared the sh*t out of me, which finally brought me where I need to be; an understanding that I'm only so many bad days away from a relapse, and a clear sense of my own powerlessness -- not as a airy fairy idea in my head, but as a rock solid conviction in the 'inner most core of my being.' It was precisely what my friend was talking to me about Friday night; if I struggle with accepting my powerlessness, then I will rely on self rather than on The Creator to figure out the way forward, and 'self' will ultimately lead me over the side of the cliff.

FWIW I write this sh*t not for everyone on this forum, because I think a lot of people are dealing with a dependency rather than 'real addiction,' and simply don't need to do the same dance. I write it for people like me, with an uncontrollable addiction that -- even sober -- can lead us back to hell at the drop of a hat if we don't do everything we can to keep in 'fit spiritual condition.'

-- ji

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2014 2:57 pm 
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Hey man. Dnt get down on yourself about the craving you had. Its good you had it in a way. Your better prepaired for future cravings because of it. Your re-learning how to cope. It's cool to see, your very descriptiven which makes it easy to relate. I had terrible cravings a couple months ago. They usually come with insecurities, atleast with me. When i let myself get down, the cravings come calling. Keep reading amd being active. Every day brings new challenges, but its so worth it at the end of the day kwim? ? Keep your head up johny, keep updating too. There's alot of people who read your posts that you dont know aboit, who need your inspiration. Keep it up dude.

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2014 3:10 pm 
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Hey JI- Congrats on Day 31- working on 2 MONTHS!!! WOW!!!!
Sore muscles are a "good pain" dude! Great job! Ask your "friend" for a massage! :wink: That might help in a number of ways! lol
Hot baths also help, but not as fun!
:D BF

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2014 4:26 pm 
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Hi Hope, thanks for the kind words.

I didn't have actual cravings, and I'm thankful for that. Just thoughts that didn't lead anywhere. Cravings would be terrible for me, but last night I was still 'safe and protected.'

-- ji


h0pe wrote:
Hey man. Dnt get down on yourself about the craving you had. Its good you had it in a way. Your better prepaired for future cravings because of it. Your re-learning how to cope. It's cool to see, your very descriptiven which makes it easy to relate. I had terrible cravings a couple months ago. They usually come with insecurities, atleast with me. When i let myself get down, the cravings come calling. Keep reading amd being active. Every day brings new challenges, but its so worth it at the end of the day kwim? ? Keep your head up johny, keep updating too. There's alot of people who read your posts that you dont know aboit, who need your inspiration. Keep it up dude.

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-- Rumi, Sufi poet and teacher


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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2014 4:29 pm 
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Hey BF, hope you're having a good day 32.

Best bet would be a massage from a 'friend' in a bath, but nothing like that on the agenda at the moment, it pains me to say.

-- ji

ButterFLYING! wrote:
Hey JI- Congrats on Day 31- working on 2 MONTHS!!! WOW!!!!
Sore muscles are a "good pain" dude! Great job! Ask your "friend" for a massage! :wink: That might help in a number of ways! lol
Hot baths also help, but not as fun!
:D BF

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-- Rumi, Sufi poet and teacher


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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Mon Jul 28, 2014 10:09 am 
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Day 32 and I'm in luck, muscle pains are just confined to my upper calves, nothing anywhere else. That'll teach me to sprint around the bases and run all out after fly balls in my first softball game in over 10 years...well, probably it won't, lol.

Though I'm still sneezing now and then, and sweating a bit at night, I think my detox is pretty much ending. I think I feel as 'normal' as I'm going to get, and it feels pretty good.

My relapse fear (terror) of Saturday night showed me with greater clarity something I mentioned higher up in my thread; now that the emotional turmoil of my taper/jump has passed, the major challenge for me is staying connected at times when I'm feeling on top of things (like today). That's when it's easy for me to ignore The Creator -- like why do I need him or want him when things are going well? -- but the result of staying disconnected for almost an entire day was ending up in a terrible place mentally on Saturday night.

Just started reading Eckhart Tolle's book yesterday, and it's bang on for me, I found myself feeling completely liberated during parts of it. I can't be happy if I'm trapped in ego, playing roles that I've constructed in my own mind, and preoccupied with what the future might bring (or what's happened in the past). Tolle defines living this way as 'insanity,' destined to produce only discontent and unhappiness. Happiness and peace are in the moment, when I'm connected with my authentic self.

For me, that authenticity comes when I'm maintaining 'conscious contact' with The Creator. A friend called The Power of Now '12 Step on steroids,' which I don't completely agree with. The book shows me where I need and want to be but, with my batsh*t crazy addict thinking, I need a more rigorous program of action to stay in the moment, i.e, working the steps throughout each day. If I find myself getting too high or too low, I'm overdue for a check-in with my HP.

Anyhow, gotta jet. If you haven't read it yet, pick up The Power of Now, it's a fantastic read, possibly life-changing if you haven't considered the kinds of things the author talks about.

-- ji

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Mon Jul 28, 2014 12:00 pm 
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Hey JI, once again I can really relate to what you're saying. Staying in the moment and not letting my emotions swing too far left or right can still be a challenge for me, probably always will be, to some extent.

Also, you mentioned how when things are "going well" you have to be careful to stay connected. I understand. I used to mention how when I felt strongest in my recovery and thought I had shit figured out, I was actually near my weakest in my recovery and relapse was not far behind.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, you're helping more than yourself by doing so.

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Mon Jul 28, 2014 1:58 pm 
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h0pe wrote:
Ha. I'm not the only one in wny i guess.


Well we sure do love our opiates in WNY, now its all about finding a new way of life to deal with the winters here, haha...

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Mon Jul 28, 2014 7:55 pm 
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johnny_ikon wrote:
Day 32 and I'm in luck, muscle pains are just confined to my upper calves, nothing anywhere else. That'll teach me to sprint around the bases and run all out after fly balls in my first softball game in over 10 years...well, probably it won't, lol.

Though I'm still sneezing now and then, and sweating a bit at night, I think my detox is pretty much ending. I think I feel as 'normal' as I'm going to get, and it feels pretty good.

My relapse fear (terror) of Saturday night showed me with greater clarity something I mentioned higher up in my thread; now that the emotional turmoil of my taper/jump has passed, the major challenge for me is staying connected at times when I'm feeling on top of things (like today). That's when it's easy for me to ignore The Creator -- like why do I need him or want him when things are going well? -- but the result of staying disconnected for almost an entire day was ending up in a terrible place mentally on Saturday night.

Just started reading Eckhart Tolle's book yesterday, and it's bang on for me, I found myself feeling completely liberated during parts of it. I can't be happy if I'm trapped in ego, playing roles that I've constructed in my own mind, and preoccupied with what the future might bring (or what's happened in the past). Tolle defines living this way as 'insanity,' destined to produce only discontent and unhappiness. Happiness and peace are in the moment, when I'm connected with my authentic self.


For me, that authenticity comes when I'm maintaining 'conscious contact' with The Creator. A friend called The Power of Now '12 Step on steroids,' which I don't completely agree with. The book shows me where I need and want to be but, with my batsh*t crazy addict thinking, I need a more rigorous program of action to stay in the moment, i.e, working the steps throughout each day. If I find myself getting too high or too low, I'm overdue for a check-in with my HP.

Anyhow, gotta jet. If you haven't read it yet, pick up The Power of Now, it's a fantastic read, possibly life-changing if you haven't considered the kinds of things the author talks about.

-- ji


Dude, your really friggen smart. First, that book looks amazing. I'm going to borders tonight to find it. If not, something like it. Second, dude. Your smart . I can completely understand what your talking about with living in ego. I have to be honest, i never got my ego back after addiction. I'm not sure what to blaim this on, but my life is going in a very positive direction, with nearly no anger. I have to read this book now! I think like you in a way, i analyze everything. My ego made me self destructive through high school, and the 8 years of addiction that followed. Very cool to read johny. That helped me i think . Keep it up bro.

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Tue Jul 29, 2014 3:42 am 
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Congrats on DAY 33 sub FREE JI!!
Enjoy!!! :D BF

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Tue Jul 29, 2014 9:37 am 
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Thanks BF, we're moving slowly but steadily towards 2 months.

Hope you have a fantastic day.

-- ji

ButterFLYING! wrote:
Congrats on DAY 33 sub FREE JI!!
Enjoy!!! :D BF

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Tue Jul 29, 2014 9:47 am 
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h0pe wrote:
Dude, your really friggen smart. First, that book looks amazing. I'm going to borders tonight to find it. If not, something like it. Second, dude. Your smart . I can completely understand what your talking about with living in ego. I have to be honest, i never got my ego back after addiction. I'm not sure what to blaim this on, but my life is going in a very positive direction, with nearly no anger. I have to read this book now! I think like you in a way, i analyze everything. My ego made me self destructive through high school, and the 8 years of addiction that followed. Very cool to read johny. That helped me i think . Keep it up bro.


Hi Hope, if number 1 and 2 are 'smart,' what's number 3? Love it when those compliments come rolling in, lol.

Seriously, though, I think 'smart' is way overrated, and without some wisdom and understanding, it's not an especially useful trait, especially for an addict. I think I do have some self-awareness, but there are many times when I wish I had a switch to turn that off.

Anyhow, thanks for the post, hope you're having a really good day.

-- ji

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Tue Jul 29, 2014 9:56 am 
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Day 33 (thanks BF for providing the count).

OK day so far, finally feeling the mental fog lifting from my exertions on Saturday.

For this update, I wanted to post a passage from A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle, this rings totally true for me in terms of addiction recovery:

'Fear, greed and the desire for power are the psychologically motivating forces not only behind warfare and violence between nations...but also the cause of incessant conflict in personal relationships. They bring about a distortion in your perception of other people and yourself. Through them, you misinterpret every situation, leading to misguided action designed to rid you of fear and satisfy your need for more, a bottomless hole [= addiction] that can never be filled...

"it is important to realize, however, that fear, greed and the desire for power are not the dysfunction that we are speaking of, but are themselves created by the dysfunction, which is a deep-seated collective delusion that lies within the mind of each human being. A number of spiritual teachings tell us to let go of fear and desire. But those spiritual practices are usually unsuccessful...Fear, greed and desire for power are not the ultimate causal factors. Trying to become a good or better human sounds like a commendable...thing to do, yet it is an endeavor you cannot ultimately succeed in unless there is a shift in consciousness. This is because it is still part of the same dysfunction, a more subtle and rarified form of self-enhancement, of desire for more and a strengthening of one's conceptual identity, one's self-image. You do not become good by trying to be good, but by finding the goodness that is already within you, and allowing that goodness to emerge. But it can only emerge if something fundamental changes in your state of consciousness [= psychic change]."

If I substitute 'The Creator' for the 'goodness within me,' that's exactly how recovery works for me. 'I have a deadly spiritual illness (addiction), and I can't fix myself simply by trying to be "good," but finding and maintaining a conscious contact with God can restore me to sanity, at least in this present moment, which is the only one that counts.'

-- ji

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Tue Jul 29, 2014 1:21 pm 
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Hi Hope, there's a meditation technique from New Earth that you might find interesting. I do this with my eyes closed.

Get comfortable, take some long deep breaths, paying attention to your breathing. Feel the energy in your hands, which you'll experience as a tingling sensation. Then feel it in your feet, too.

If I can clear my mind (hard!), and experience the tingling in my entire body, I'm in contact with my bodily energy = The Creator = love. If I do this meditation for 10 or 15, I get a tremendous sense of peace.

Let me know what happens if you try this out.

-- ji

h0pe wrote:
I never believed in god much johny. But.. i'm pretty open minded. How does one have faith?? I'm always curious when people talk about "the creator" . The way i see it is, if there were a greater being, or intelligence, superior to us, wouldnt they guide us?? As we do with other addicts?? As much as i Want to believe there is a god, deep down, i kind of know its bullshit. Maybe im just crazy. Please dont judge, im just curious how people obtain faith

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Tue Jul 29, 2014 1:27 pm 
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Hey Romeo, you've been clean awhile, haven't you? I bet the ability to not go too far left or right, or up or down, got easier over time.

I can see that before and during addiction, my life ran on a lot of emotion. I liked being 'up,' but the problem is, for every up there's a down.

-- ji

Romeo wrote:
Hey JI, once again I can really relate to what you're saying. Staying in the moment and not letting my emotions swing too far left or right can still be a challenge for me, probably always will be, to some extent.

Also, you mentioned how when things are "going well" you have to be careful to stay connected. I understand. I used to mention how when I felt strongest in my recovery and thought I had shit figured out, I was actually near my weakest in my recovery and relapse was not far behind.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, you're helping more than yourself by doing so.


Breezhy wrote:
Well we sure do love our opiates in WNY, now its all about finding a new way of life to deal with the winters here, haha...


Hi Breezhy, my family lived in Buffalo for a few years, maybe that's where I 'caught' my addiction, lol?

-- ji

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Tue Jul 29, 2014 8:03 pm 
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Hey JI,

I don't know as "easier" is the right word, but I sure am more aware of my emotions and I'm more aware of when I'm being pulled way left or right. Being aware of it makes it "easier" because I deal with it while I'm only slightly off center instead of being miles off center.....for the most part. Hey, I guess it is easier because I tend to deal with it while the problem is small instead of Godzilla size. Turns out easier maybe is the right word!!

BTW, yes, I have been clean awhile, but that doesn't mean that I'm any less fucked up in the head than you are!! :wink:

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 Post subject: Re: just jumped
PostPosted: Tue Jul 29, 2014 8:41 pm 
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Romeo wrote:

that doesn't mean that I'm any less fucked up in the head than you are!! :wink:

Oh I can definitely second this!! :lol:
In fact I'd have to say "more" fucked up in the head....way way WAY more!!!! LOLOLOL!!!

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