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 Post subject: Just had my first visit
PostPosted: Mon Jan 16, 2012 1:09 am 
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I just had my first visit to see an addiction doctor on Fri. the 13th 2012. Let me give you a little history.
I tried Vicodin for the first time about 10 years ago with my now ex-husband. It was the greatest feeling. We were doing them off an on since then. First we would do them once in awhile then it turned out to be every weekend, then it turned out to be every couple of days. We also would drink while taking Vicodin. Then I would have a hard time getting up for work. I would always call in on Mondays, then one day my boss couldn't take it anymore and fired me after i had been there 8 1/2 years. I cried for I loved my job, but my addictions got the best of me. I begged for my job back but he said he needed me there when we having a major project and I happened to call in on that big project. So to make a long story short that's how I lost my job. Since then I've had part-time jobs, but with the way the economy is, it was, and is still is very hard to find a full-time job. I was collecting unemployment for 2 1/2 years.

While looking for jobs I started drinking and taking Vicodin everyday without my husband knowing. I got pretty bad.. He would come home and find me passed out. My husband filed for divorce in February 2011. I was devastated and thought he was kidding until I was served papers. We had been together for 24 1/2 years.
My drinking and Vicodin usage got even worse after that, thinking it would remove the pain and depression I was going through, I was taking up to 30 pills a day. Well, that was not the way to go about it, because I lost everything except for my vehicle and cloths and some of the money from my divorce. I had to use that money to get an apartment and furniture etc. Since the divorce I've been in the hospital twice for almost OD'ing, and got my first DUI. I got lucky and they dropped the charges to impaired since it was my first offence, and lost my license 6 months. I just got my license back in October 2011, then I got caught with Vicodin in my purse and was arrested in November 2011. I've had to dip in my retirement money in order to live and I still am now.
Since then I went to Brighton hospital to detox but walked out after 3 days. Started using again, I lost my family and friends because of my addictions. I started seeing a therapist and going to AA meetings, but kept relapsing.

I took the BIG step on Friday the 13th and went to see an addiction doctor to HELP ME before I died.
I had to sign an agreement stating I would NOT get any other drugs off the street or from any other doctors. I also had to take a urine test that found I had Methadone in my system and I didn't even know it!!! My dealer must have given
me counterfeit pills!!! Since I took 2 Vicodin the morning of my appointment, I had to wait 24 hrs before I could start the Suboxone, which wasn't too bad.. I was just feeling sore that first night. I am now on Anabuse and Suboxone. I was scared at first but knew if I didn't go someone would have found me dead.
I've been on Anabuse for 1 week and Suboxone for 2 days. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel but feel great!! I'm on 8 mg.- 2 mg. strips. I get a slight buzz from them but, not like I was getting from the pills and booze. I'm even able to type this post and it makes me feel good. I can concentrate and focus A LOT better then when I was using. I'm also VERY THANKFUL that I'm getting the trust of my family and friends back.

Anyone who really wants help please take my advise and see a doctor before something happens to you. If I can do this believe me you can also.

GOOD LUCK MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU !!!!!!!


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 16, 2012 8:33 am 
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I'm not saying you didn't have a bad addiction, but it's not as bad as some I've read about, or even as bad as what I did....but you definitely are headed down the right path now!

I started out with lortab 5s...then up to lortab 7.5s, then up to lortab 10s, ...you know the story.
But oh, when I found my calling was when I tried (orally) Oxycontin. This girl who was getting them kept urging me to try those, because (addict talk) "it's cheaper and they last longer, if you figure up buying #10 lortab 10's a day at $6/ea, versus buying just ONE of these OC's a day at $60 ea...."

Buy the time she told me that, I was up to 15 or so pills a day...at $4 to $6 each, so yea, it DID actually make sense, in MY addict mind, to buy just ONE pill that would cover me an entire day! So, I tried it. I bought #4 80mg Oxycontins on the street, because my "dealer" would give me a discount if I bought more than 4 at a time. If I bought that quantity he would sell them for $45 each, but less than 4 was $55 each.

Anyway, I took the dive into Oxy world. This was WAY before they made them different..this was when they still had just a coating on them you could peel off, or scrape with your fingernail. Or even put them in your mouth and dissolve the coating...
I took one of them, chopped it into quarters, and orally took 1/4 of an 80mg Oxycontin. And I waited....

Oh..man was I in heaven..suddenly an energy burst hit me like a ton of bricks. I was sweatin a little, but besides that, I felt GOOD...this was my calling..I figured, 1/4 of these things will last me 4 or 5 hours, and do that x4 a day, and I'm saving myself a LOT of money!! (instead of just NOT taking ANY pills and saving ALL the money!!!...)

I wasn't doing anything "too bad", except buying Oxycontin on the street...(which carried a 5 year prison sentence for EACH pill...but hey, I wasn't going to buy that many that i couldn't swallow them...and besides, I was INVINCIBLE, right??
I mean, EVEN THOUGH the guy that I was buying pills from was a KNOWN dealer by the cops..and he was being watched...hey, I was different, because I was...."smarter"???

And I started down the path of orally taking 1/4 of an OC 80, 4 times a day. Another "friend" of mine...good friends you have during addiction...told me, "hey, if you'll chop that up and snort the quarter instead of taking it, it'll work a LOT faster and make you feel even better."

My first response to that was "NO..I don't want to do 'that'...I'm not THAT kind of drug addict...."
But then I started asking myself..."what's so WRONG with doing that...i mean, it's just a pill, and I am already taking it...so what could it hurt?"
And I slowly gave myself enough excuses to snort the 1/4 of an OC 80 instead of taking it. The first time I snorted one...I used a razor blade, then took the cap off a coke bottle and pressed it while twisting it on the pill..crushed it really fine.. Then I got me a $20 bill and rolled it up...and did my thing. That was the beginning..that first snort of OC...Boy did my friend get it right!! WOW..I should've done that from the start! So now, I've gone from taking lortabs, to taking OC 80s, to SNORTING OC 80s. And this was ...wow!
So this goes on a couple of weeks...I'm spending MAD money on this little b$#@ of a pill...and my dealer runs out of them. But wait...he has something called an "IR"...or "QR". They are 25mg...almost like OC's, but they are quick release. He asked if I wanted them instead. "yep, I guess if you don't have my other...I'll take that."

And I had a good arrangement with him...He was a lonely old man who didn't have no friends, except for the "friend" who bought pills from him. SO every time I would make a buy, he would want to sit and talk with me...and usually I would oblige. He would talk about being in the navy, etc...or someone he knew getting busted....I actually had a sort-of friendship with him..but he knew that I was another druggy like everyone else too. But I could call him, no matter what time of day...and sometimes really late at night, and make my runs...he lived about 45min from my house, in a little trailer. Sometimes he would ask me to bring him food from McDonalds..and would throw in an extra half a Oxy...he would've been a good guy had not been for selling pills because his income on SSI wasn't enough to support him..

I did the "snortin" oxy's for about 7 months. In that time, I went from looking like a skeleton already to looking like death made over. And if I couldn't get my Oxys, then I would snort those IR's or whatever else...a couple of times I even got some Dilaudid from him..and snorted those. He told me those were usually put into a needle and shot..but that was something I never would do..even at my highest (read:lowest) point.

I went from my Oxycontin habit into suboxone....and it literally saved my life. I was ready to get out, and I mean...ready to get out in a bad way...I wanted it to be over. I had ruined my marriage...I had done things I wasn't proud of...and I was ready to get out of this lifestyle and way of living...worried from day to day about "my pill dealer might be out"...

4 months after I cleaned up completely, the dealer that I had known for 10 years was found dead in his house. He was laying on his bed..face down. Nobody had seen him in 3 days when someone decided to go check on him. Mid-summer, and he sat there for 3 days without any visitors...I kept thinking when I heard the news that "if I was still doing my thing, I would've been the one to find him..or he would've died while I was there..

Since that time, I've watched the people I used to deal around with either get busted, wind up in jail or slowly destroy themselves....of course from a distance, as I dont associate with ANYONE who messes with pills anymore. I'll hear stories about one or two who have cleaned themselves up.
The good news on that, the two people I mention above who told me about Oxycontin -- the female who told me to try it, and the guy who told me to snort them -- BOTH have cleaned up their lives.
The female who first got me to buy oxy and try it, she was the first person who mentioned Suboxone to me. I played it off, until mid-way through my Oxycontin snorting, when suddenly, out of the blue, Susan quit answering my phone calls, quit responding to me and wouldn't talk to me if she did answer...she had tried to tell me about Suboxone, but she knew I wasn't ready..and she left me alone.
Neal, the guy who told me to snort them...cleaned up after I did-- or around the same time. He got into a faith-based recovery group..and is doing great now. I can't say how Susan is doing, as I don't hear anything or know anyone who has contact with her...but I think she's still OK.


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 16, 2012 11:08 am 
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Hello JanaBanana and welcome to the forum. Thanks for sharing your story with us. Congratulations on taking control of your life and getting the help you needed. You may very well have saved your life! I felt the very same way when I was put on suboxone.

You may not have heard this yet, but you might be surprised to find that being on suboxone might actually help any desire to drink you might have. It's kind of a side effect - most of us have just lost interest in it. It's not this way for everyone, but it is for many of us.

Oh and that little "high" you mentioned...well, take heart that it's only temporary. It will subside in a couple of days. You're just adjusting to the medication and haven't stabilized yet. But you will. You'll be surprised how much better you'll feel than you even do now.

Keep up the great work and let us know how you continue to do. :) And again, welcome to the forum. I hope you stick around.

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 16, 2012 3:25 pm 
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I too lost interest in drinking, having touched a drop in 3 years. The last beer in my fridge went green because it sat so long (2+ years). That would've NEVER happened, even when I was taking pain killers, because I used to drink beer to "kick" the pills in. Now I just don't even care about drinking.


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 16, 2012 5:40 pm 
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Hey JanaBanana,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story with us. It sure sounds to me like you had a very serious addiction problem, even if others think their addiction is much worse.

I'm glad to hear you're feeling so good on Suboxone, that's great news. Suboxone has been a tool that many, many of us have used to aid us in halting our addiction, I hope you find the same success that so many of us on this forum have found.

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 16, 2012 7:44 pm 
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I never said the original poster's problem wasn't serious, just obviously it wasn't as much intensity to the strength of withdrawals.
anything that is addictivie is destructive to self and others. Some people just have harder and more concentrated forms of it.
I hate they I wasted all my time typing that reply and that was the only point that someone took from it.


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 Post subject: Welcome Janabanana
PostPosted: Mon Jan 16, 2012 9:47 pm 
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So glad to hear your decision to stop. One thing I wanted to add to the suboxone helps the drinking issue whereas maybe the anabuse might become obsolete. You might want to discuss this with your doctor after you get stabilized on the suboxone. Don't do anything like that tho without discussing it with your doctor or people more informed. I guess I just kind of think the less pills you have to take the better off. The anabuse controls you by making you sick if you drink well if the suboxone controls the cravings and I have heard from a few alcoholics that it does then why the anabuse. Thats the mode of thinking. Keep up the great work and soon your life will start piecing itself back together.

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 7:04 am 
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Jonathan,

You made me laugh reading how you figured out buying the more expensive pill was actually better/cheaper than the others. I did the same thing !!! Figuring I 'd spend less and actually getting the stronger ones were worth it !! And not to mention, snorting them. WOW. So much better than just eating them. Great friends we have/had that give us these tips. Just suck the coating off and chop it !! Funny how I don't hear from anyone now, and they know I'm clean. Not even a text asking How I'm feeling. But like you said, when they are ready they'll quit. Hopefully it wont be to late. Sorry to hear about your guy. Sad. But I'm glad your out of it and getting better every day !!

Be well, God Bless


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 7:09 pm 
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Yeah, the way your mind works when you're eating pills is TOTALLY different than when you're NOT. I used to think in ways that would normally make me stop and ask someone else "are you totally f-ing stupid?"...then I stop and reconsider that it was MYSELF that I would have to ask if I were stupid...the things that we'll have "light bulb" moments with when we're making an excuse for ourselves as to why we want to eat our pills of choice / drug of choice. It really is amazing that someone would actually think "hey, instead of me paying $6 a piece for 15 pills a day, and spending like $90 bucks a day...I'll just buy one pill that only costs $45 to $55, and save ALL KINDS OF MONEY...and with that money that I save, I can buy an extra 2 or 3 oxys a week, and some extra high now and then...and I'll be doing everyone a favor...my spouse that I'm hiding this addiction from...instead of not paying electricity bills and being cut-off THIS week, I'll pay a little more for this ONE pill, and we can put off our electricity being cut off for ONE MORE WEEK...

And just look how I sacrificed that extra money...when I COULD have taken ___mg of this pill, I took ___mg of this pill, but it wasn't because I wanted to...oh no...I didn't WANT to snort that oxy..but I'm doing it so that instead of having all our shit cut off, we can merely postpone it a little bit so that I don't look like I'm blowing the ENTIRE paycheck on something that nobody sees. And yes, I went to pay the bill and lost my wallet, dear...I swear!

Oh, I could tell you some stories...I would leave my house, headed to go and pay ______ bill, or buy _____ for us to eat..and I would think the ENTIRE time I was gone...."what can I say happened..." or "what can I tell her that was an extra charge to make up for losing $55 (one pill).

Needless to say, we wound up living with her mom and dad for a very long 2 years or so.

Now let's fast forward a bit to HERE AND NOW!!

My wife's parents are living with us, and it DAMN sure aint because my inlaws are doing any sort of pills or drugs...it's the economy stuff that caused them so much grief....

But nothing in our house has changed as far as bills go...our bills cost (actually more) now than they did 3 or 4 years ago when I let everything get cut off...and we're doing well enough that we are able to let my wife's parents live with us...
Now, I won't say we have it made, or are paying our bills 3 or 4 months ahead of time..but we're doing MUCH better now that our paychecks go toward paying for living expenses instead of some invisible, mysterious "charge" that my sorry-ass made up to lie to my wife so I could sneak MORE pills.

The bad part, no matter HOW much money I had, I NEVER had enough pills. I was ALWAYS hunting more...and always doing something to get more....or looking for some way to get the money up...
Nobody trusted me as far as they could throw me..

But now, I do people's taxes for them, in fact, I have a small business owner who has me do ALL of his tax computers..and he has anywhere from 1500 to 2000 patients.

Oh how things change...


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 18, 2012 12:23 am 
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Hey jonathanm,,,
Isnt it great to have things turn around????

I too, had alot of the same thoughts you had written down......LOL
we all think " Im gonna be SMART about this"
and I always told myself I could 'save' the rest..... HA!!

Anyways,,,,,, the moment we realize we will NEVER have enough pills, is the LITEBULB moment as far as Im concerned..
Mine was, after a guy rear=ended my car, while I was at a stopsign, and of course I was high.... :)

the insurance co gave me almost 4 grand.....
I cashed that shit with a quickness! told my husband, we got $1300,,,,(neat trick, huh?)
and within 3 weeks, I was outta money, outta pills, and severely irate with myself....
it was then and only then, that I had the thought...
I cant believe Im out already,,,I had PLENTY of shit to get by for at least a month, not even a week ago!! what happened? when will I ever have enough pills???
DING ,,,,,,,bulb went off,,,,,NEVER
it was still about 3 months before I got serious about getting with some kind of program. I never think I would have tried seriously without suboxone. i tried quitting on my own, but not with any real 'intent'

ANYWAYS,,,,sorry to ramble, Ive enjoyed reading your posts, and its awesome that your doing so good.
Ive been working for about 8 months, and I got keys to the shop and the office, which DOES have a cash drawer, aboout a month after I started working, and I was shocked.
I was thinking.,,, whats wrong with this guy?? does he know who he just gave keys to???
LOL :D :D :D
have a great day dude

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PostPosted: Wed Jan 18, 2012 5:37 am 
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hah..oh the stories...

Income tax....

This was, probably, 2006...or so. We had some income, but it was just enough to get earned income credit, and really "cash in" for the kids...and I was in the midst of my pills..

So, I keep everything hidden and secretive. Wife wants to know what we're getting back when I figure up the taxes...and I tell her "oh, looks like about $1300." <-----LIE.
We got back $6900.

But I needed a couple of dollars for some pills, right? I mean, with that kind of money, surely I could afford to buy some pills..

This still didn't open my eyes, but I made the call to the guy who I was buying from (the guy who was found dead), told him that I a LARGE amount and wanted to know could he fill the order. He said it would take him a couple of days to get that many, but I bought 160 lortab 10s from him..at $4.00 each. (discount for buying so many at once, down from the usual $6.00 each)..
I thought to myself, "wow, I'll have enough to last me a LONG time."

WRONG.

Two weeks later I was back at his house, buying ANOTHER 140 pills ...those were gone in a WEEK AND A HALF.

He even asked me was I taking all these pills, or was I selling some of them. I knew if I told him I had eaten them all he would probably say he didn't want to sell me pills that way if I was going to OD on them, so I lied and told him I had sold a few of them.

Terrible the way our minds work when we're trying to conniving and dishonest. Things have turned SO far in a total 180 that it's unreal...I'm so far from that person that I used to be that I can't even imagine doing some of that stupid shit anymore...wouldn't fathom it now. But only with the help of my Suboxone have I gotten to where I am now.


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 Post subject: Thank you..
PostPosted: Wed Jan 18, 2012 12:43 pm 
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Anyways, Just wanted to thank those that welcomed me to the forum.. I can't believe how much better I feel, both mentally and physically. I originally wanted to post about the positive results of getting on Sub's, because I had noticed so many posts by people that were concerned about their first visit to see their addiction specialist. Well, It sure was worth if for me. I didn't get in trouble or scolded by my doctor as far as the urine test, although I had no idea about having methadone in my system! I had also failed to mention in my earlier post, and to my doctor, that I had also smoked a little pot when I tried to detox on my own several weeks before my visit. (that didn't work!) So, when they found those in my system, I just had to be honest.

@finallyachance / hatmaker510: When I had my initial visit, I told the Doc about already being on the Anabuse. He was ok with me staying on the Anabuse while taking the Subs.. at least for now. See, Alcohol was/is a huge problem for me because I just felt the pills and alcohol went hand-in-hand. The last time I was taken to the hospital, my alcohol blood level was .40 and I only weighed 105lbs They said I should have been dead. Nevermind I had also taken over 25 Vicodin that day! So for now, I want to stay on the anabuse as a back up, just in case I lose my mind again lol. I will say that the Sub is helping remove the thoughts and desires to drink, or use pills for that matter.. it a miracle considering that was my daily routine for a long time.

:D


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 18, 2012 3:13 pm 
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I'm glad Suboxone is working so nicely for you, that's great to hear. I'm also happy to hear that you chose to stay on Anabuse. With both of those med's in your system I'm gonna say you're pretty well protected, now's a great time to really get going on your recovery.

Onward and upward!!

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PostPosted: Wed Jan 18, 2012 7:19 pm 
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Jonathan,

Yes, the stories. All similar I suppose. I can relate. I love how when your "guy" asks if you ate all that you bought. Same thing happened to me, of course I sold some to "someone", I don't get why dealers get upset when they are making the money, I guess your right when you said, we could end up dead. I guess my "addict mind " didnt even think of that.
I can also remember getting a bunch of cash to pay for this and that and somehow, used checks and credit cards instead and came up with some bullshit reason why I didnt use the cash, but then used the cash for some other "bullshit " reason that didnt exsist.
We never did have enough pills, I could get 150 when I had my script and run out within a week, I would count and recount, tell myself, I'll take X amount today and tomorrow, I'll take X amount and I can have pills for a month ! I'll be set... NOT. I'd get so mad at myself for eating them so fast, but there was always someone else calling me, hey, I just picked up 200, so whenever your ready, ..... oh i'm ready, I'm on my way !!! Oh yes. The stories we can tell.

I am SO HAPPY I don't deal with that crap anymore !!!!!! I'm glad your life has turned around and now your in-laws are staying with you instead of the other way around !!! Life sure is good now a-days !!!!

Be well !!!


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 Post subject: An Update
PostPosted: Sun Jul 15, 2012 5:03 pm 
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Just wanted to let you guys know I am finally off all meds including Subs, and haven't touched a drink in over 6 months. I had to start my own taper schedule because my doctor wanted to keep me on them, but I had enough and decided to wean myself off with help from my boyfriend. It took a little over 60 days and the withdrawals were not too bad. I kept track of my schedule and dosage on a Word document if any one would like to try and use it let me know.

Good Luck and thanks for your motivation!


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