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 Post subject: Just crap
PostPosted: Tue Nov 09, 2010 9:00 pm 
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Generally speaking, my life is pretty boring. I get up at 4am, go to work, come home, work out, watch tv or read, go to bed, start over. But every once in a while family crap creeps in and creates drama. Drama I cannot stand. Some of it I unintentionally bring on myself and some of it is just crap I accidentally step into. Either way, it is still crap and it is still crappy.

I grew up in a horribly dysfunctional home which is likely why I was attempting to escape the insanity all the time and ended up hooked on narcotics. But now, I have been off narcotics for three years and have done a ton of therapy and I would like to think that I have separated myself from my crappy family ways and am different than the rest of the screwballs I call relatives.

I also have a husband and he has his own personal crap, and his family crap. Only we don't collide with his crap nearly as often because crap doesn't extend across country as well as it does within the state. Because of this, he seems to think his crap doesn't stink either. But just because we can't smell it from that far away certainly doesn't mean it doesn't stink and I am positive from the time we have spent across country with his crap that if we actually lived there we would just be shoveling his stinky crap instead of my stinky crap. Certainly if I lived over there with him I would be able to understand the crap, deal with the crap, help clean up the crap. I might not like it all the time, but would certainly empathize with his responsibility as part of his family to help clean up the crap and I would help as much as I possibly could.

What I would NOT do is pretend the crap was actually his when it really belongs to his family. I also wouldn't just throw the crap right in his family members faces because no one wants to be crapped on right? I wouldn't send him over to clean crap by himself. I would hold the bag or grab a shovel or SOMETHING. But in the reverse situation, he is NOT doing the same for me. I am entirely frustrated with it and am tired of him acting like it is MY crap when it is really THEIR crap that they have thrown our way and I am SORRY that we got crapped on but there is nothing I can do about it now except clean it up and I would certainly like some help. Instead, I just feel like HE is crapping on me too and the more I try to shovel and clean and fix and throw the crap back to its rightful owner, I just keep getting crapped on. Only NOW.......the crap isn't just being generated from the same state, but it is being generated by someone in my home. So I am knee deep in crap and can't seem to find a way out of it.

Oh...and my therapist stopped accepting my insurance so I can't afford to pay HIM to help me figure out how to get out of this crappy situation.

The good news is that I don't get nearly as anxious as I used to when people start flinging crap and although I am frustrated and not speaking to my husband at all right now and have to sit in a car for 10 hours this weekend with two of the crap flingers, I still think I will be okay. I am not going to enjoy it, but I will live through it. I may not live through it if the third crap flinger (my husband at this point) decides to ride in the car with us because then I would just be suffocated by crap and I may not return from my weekend.

Anyone else have these problems? Please wish me luck with my crap.

Thanks!
Cherie

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Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfills the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.

- Winston Churchill


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 09, 2010 9:32 pm 
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Oh Jackcrack, that's a lot of crap! I'm so sorry your husband is adding more crap to the mix when you already have too much to shovel. You're right, he should be helping you with the crap. That's what being married is - my crap becomes his crap and his crap becomes my crap and it all becomes OUR CRAP. It's a joint effort. Or it should be.

I have my own crappy family too. Imagine a sibling who won't talk to you because you went to college and she didn't! And another who won't talk to you because you remind him of the abusive childhood that both of you suffered through. I think it's safe to say that we all are knee-deep in crap. I'm just sorry yours is extra deep right now. I'm glad you came to us to talk about it. I'd like to think we are part of your support system. Hang in there and keep on venting. Oh - and remember to wear boots and gloves while dealing with all that crap.

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PostPosted: Tue Nov 09, 2010 10:44 pm 
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IM sorry to see you are going threw this J and please know im hear to support you and help just like Hat.

Anyways i myself dont go threw this but i watch my dad do it to my mom and its eats the shit out of me. My mom is the CTO of a big Hotel Business and she makes more money then my dad work longer then my dad and so on. But my dad doesnt help her the least bit it seems. He does a lil to make it look like hes helping out but compared to what my mom does its nothing. My dad gets home at 3 my mom get home at 6. So my dad sits and watches TV doesnt cook dinner, or go get pizza once in a while and gets mad at her if she comes home late and he eats late. Then all the family problems are put on her. she has to figure it out she has to make things better whey he sits back and puts his feet up. And theres so much more but its hard for me to talk about this cause it really makes me so upset some days. i help as much i could around the house but with my knee i could only do so much but it feels like im doing more for my mom then her own husband is.

Wow i feel like a thousand pounds is lifted of my chest ive never talked about this with anyone but my dr.


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 09, 2010 10:57 pm 
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Doesn't it feel good to get that out, Bboy? I always like to see members of this forum coming here to deal with problems/issues in life other than just addiction. That's what a support system does, right? Staying in healthy recovery means dealing with life's problems in constructive ways. Expressing our feelings, be they frustration, anger, sadness, etc, is a very constructive way to help cope. I'm glad both of you felt comfortable enough to share your personal struggles with us. We're here for you!

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-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 10, 2010 12:28 am 
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Crappity crap. I feel ya Cherie and I'm sorry you're knee-deep in the stinky-ass crap right now. I'm glad to hear that you're doing what you can to take care of yourself. Sometimes that is the best we can hope for.

Also, I could hear your cranky humor coming through in your post...which I think is a good sign. If we couldn't laugh at our crap we'd truly be fucked.

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Nov 10, 2010 8:06 am 
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Thanks guys! DOQ and Hat both understand when I say that meditation has made a huge difference for me. I can separate very easily those thoughts that are just fear or future based from the here and now. Being able to dump the here and now onto this site does make it a whole lot easier. I did schedule with the therapist for Thursday. Whether my husband goes or not is another story but we haven't spoken to each other in about 36 hours now so hopefully he will make the right choice. I most certainly have a sense of humor about it but my therapist warned me about this too. After doing the therapy and the meditation, etc. etc. I don't react to things the same way anymore. In fact, there isn't much "reaction" at all anymore but rather a thoughtful decision or choice that is made based on whatever is going on. My husband, on the other hand, hasn't done all this work so he is still very much reacting and there continue to be reactions to things that aren't even happening. Like he reacts based on fears of things that "could" happen. But as he is explaining his anger and reaction, he states it as though it HAS happened and is justifying himself that way. When I point it out, he gets pissed off. The therapist warned me about this.

For example: My husband doesn't want to hold the rent check for an extra week before cashing because "they can't have everything they want and there are consequences and this is the result of their irresponsibility". Actually, it is the result of the bank taking 3 car payments instead of one car payment and they are fixing it but most people don't have an extra $1000 lying around so I understand the request to hold the check. He is correct in all of those statements BUT at the moment, none of those things are happening. None of this is their fault right at the moment. This is his FEAR. As a result of his FEAR, his actions reflect that he is a HEARTLESS DICK.

This is only a small piece of what is going on. But my friends wouldn't even understand the changes you go through from all the therapy and meditation because most of them are still reacting too. My husband isn't really a heartless dick and I hate for others to see him that way. But that is how he is acting.

Just so much tension in my house right now. Ick!

Cherie

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Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfills the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.

- Winston Churchill


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 10, 2010 9:16 am 
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I'm so glad the meditation is helping you cope. Since I stopped the xanax and learned meditation, I'm now actually calmer overall than I ever was before. Isn't it nice to know that your healthy coping skills are working? But since your husband hasn't learned what you've learned, it makes the chasm between you seem even larger than it is. I won't make excuses for him, but I'd bet that he's doing the best he can based on his limited skills, which yours obviously surpass. And being in a situation like that can be, as you know, very frustrating. I truly hope he decides to go to therapy with you. If he does, then with any luck he can get some new perspective and will start to see things the way you do. (If that made sense.)

Good luck, my friend.

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-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Nov 10, 2010 11:59 am 
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Damn I hate CRAP. It's so damn....crappy.

I'm calling my congressman and we're going to get this crap banned! No More Crap Allowed!


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Nov 10, 2010 12:01 pm 
OMG Have you guys noticed how adds pop up in the middle of threads (usu. drug rehabs & whatnot). In the middle of this thread I got two adds for doggie pooper scoopers! Guess they're scanning for keywords :)

Anyway, reading my own crap into this topic, I'm thinking that my husaband has dealt with more dysunctional crap from my family than you can shake a shovel at. I know that dealing with your spous's crappy family is part of the arrangement, but looking back over the last 22 years I feel like no one deserves that much crap. It took me many, many years and several people dying, but now I hardly deal with my family at all. My husband and I have dealt with so much crap and I finally came to believe that we have a right to our own crap, and life's just too short to have our marriage constantly being chipped away by my family's bottomless pit of woe.
The holiday's are coming and this has been eating at me, but I'm just too old and tired to take any more crap.


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 10, 2010 1:41 pm 
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hatmaker510 wrote:
Doesn't it feel good to get that out, Bboy? I always like to see members of this forum coming here to deal with problems/issues in life other than just addiction. That's what a support system does, right? Staying in healthy recovery means dealing with life's problems in constructive ways. Expressing our feelings, be they frustration, anger, sadness, etc, is a very constructive way to help cope. I'm glad both of you felt comfortable enough to share your personal struggles with us. We're here for you!



It feels great to talk to normal people about this instead of a DOCTOR.


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 10, 2010 3:20 pm 
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Queenie - First, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.

Second, would you like me to move your post to its own thread? People would be more likely to see it there and you would probably get more support that way. Please let me know.

Jackcrack - That was such a great description of the changes that happen via meditation. It must be infuriating to your husband when he is so reactive, being tossed around by waves of crap, and you are just calmly there sorting out the crap and making thoughtful decisions about it.

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You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.

-Jack Kornfield


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Nov 10, 2010 3:39 pm 
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Queenie - I moved your posts to:

http://suboxforum.com/viewtopic.php?t=3049&highlight=

see you there.

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You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.

-Jack Kornfield


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 10, 2010 5:05 pm 
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Jackcrack--I am sorry you are feeling so crappy...or rather, so inundated with crap. But...I think your sense of humor is alive...I hope that's a good thing...I have a bitter sense of humor myself and sometimes I'm not sure...but i could not help to see humor as you kept talking about all the crap in your original mssg. as one of my coworkers used to say " you gotta laugh..." otherwise you end up crying I guess.

Jack, you sound so good though--i know you're having a hard time, but you sound so grounded in yourself adn I hope you are proud of that. Ok, marriage is challenging, to say the least, right? And family crap--i guess everyone has SOME..and some of us have more....so yeah, we have to clean it up as best we can. Some of us have developed better systems or come across better tools than others. As for me...it's funny, the subjec of crap jsut seems everywhere to me right now...in fact, in my family I am dealing with a lot of literal crap, because my mother is so dsiabled she cannot go to the bathroom anymore--not even to be carried. the Adult Disposable Underwear seems to be almost worthless (thout it is not cheap). Beleive me, the'res a ton of psychic crap in my family too. Now, I am not married myself, but I have to say, right now, I am staying with my family, my brother, his wife, their two little kids, adn my mom....and....I am not sorry that I am unmarried and childless. At the same time...I feel deeply connected to my brother and his kids...I'm not having the easiest time getting along with my sisterinlaw but...I do appreciate her.

Wow, Jack, I don't mean to turn the tables on you here, I jsut couldn t' help but respond to this thread. I guess sense of humor is a coping tool, so..I hope that helps you some....Boy, i hope the ten hour drive isn't too hard on you, it sounds tough...and...I do hope you and your husband get back on speaking terms soon...I'm no one kind of "relationship counselor but...I do know that communication is importatn....taht being said, I'm trying to get along with my sisterinlaw by avoiding her a lot and keeping my distance and privacy. But...she's not my spouse, you know?

In any case, i think most addicts probalby can relate to this subject of family crap. Jack, when you started to explicitly talk metaphoicaly about shovels for cleaning up crap, adn helping each other dig--it just got so vivid for me....that is exactly how I am trying to help my brother right now--pick up a shovel adn start digging--get a bucket and some disinfectant and start scrubbing....trying to be as practical and non-blaming as possible--as in my situation there really is no one to blame and nothing to do but try to do the best we can with what resources we have--and...my brother and i are doing well at pooling our resources--I am so glad of that.

Anwyay, Jack, I'll be looking for your next post--I hope things get better...meanwhile, all I can say, is..you know, yiou're not alone with this kind of problem...and....I'm wishing you the best luck..good luck can be a real plus...meanwhile...I'm impressed at how competent you sound. Hang in there (sorry for the cliche).


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 Post subject: Rescue on the way
PostPosted: Wed Nov 10, 2010 10:41 pm 
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Ok Jack.....I can't hold my love inside any longer.....I have my crap boots on and stop at the nearest phone booth and tell me where you are....I am coming to get you. You deserve love and happiness and that is what I am going to give you....we have been hiding our feelings too long we must be togther. How crazy is that?????

You know it is amazing that you do seem to be grounded and have done a great job of explaining where you are right now and it's not even the holidays. Things will get better for you and I am glad meditation is working for you. The crap we have walked through in our lives almost makes us feel we can handle anything but it still comes. It will work out as it always has. I remember post you have done where I thought "that poor guy" but you always manage to make it. That is what love is all about=compromise. You have made it this far you are living a total different life and with that reality sets in and the things around magnify. You are a strong woman with a strong relationship and I am positive you will pull through and everything will work out. Do your best to make the trip as non confrontational as you again. I love the not speaking thing I remember those times when I was married and I would always make the mistake of coming home one day just start talking as if it never happened and before long I couldn't even remember the argument. Stay strong and as my 6 yr old son always says "Don't forget to wipe your butt real good....it get's itchy if you don't"

Jim


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 11, 2010 8:53 am 
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I love you guys! Ok....so this is kind of funny. My husband is the MOST stubborn man in the world. There is no way he would ever break the silence because that would be a sign of weakness. I'm sure he is also afraid of how I would react. We work at the same place of business. Someone brought in donuts (or is it doughnuts - have seen both ways but not sure). Anyways, usually when treats are brought in I bring him one on a napkin. So I wrote on this napkin "Don't think this means I am speaking to you" and brought the donut in his office and set it on his desk. Well he can't see the writing on the napkin but he JUMPED at the chance to assume we were now speaking. hahaha. He said he had a video for me to look at later. I am sure it was killing him not to share this with me. It was a good video. I just said "really?" and walked away. I am sure he then realized I had written on the napkin and still felt a bit like an ass. hahaha. But we are on speaking terms now and I didn't have to break the silence. Did I mention that I am quite stubborn as well?

Oh...the video for anyone interested was a guy who filed a worker's comp claim against this employer for an injured hand. Apparently guy was unaware that said employer recently installed cameras. Guy walks through warehouse, pallet on ground, bends over and punches pallet twice breaking it and walks off. Guy is going to be super pissed when he realizes that while in surgery and planning to spend the next several weeks on paid leave via the work comp system, people are actually plotting against him and now said guy will be screwed, unpaid, and probably fired for filing fraudulent claim. HA! Take that buddy!

Therapy is today at 11:45. The crap flingers arrive at 11:00. Luckily, I will be at work with the non-crap cleaner upper guy.

Oh...you know what my hubby said yesterday? I said I was going shopping to get a B-day present for my mom and he smiles and says "what did she get you for YOUR birthday?". Grrr. Nothing. But normally I get her nothing and I always tell her I do not care. So what? I just don't believe in revenge like that or passive aggressive or whatever it is that he does.

Hopefully I will be able to jump on tonight and let you guys know what happens. I really hope this car ride doesn't suck.

Cherie

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Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfills the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.

- Winston Churchill


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 Post subject: Following
PostPosted: Thu Nov 11, 2010 2:56 pm 
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Hi Jack, just wanted to let you know I'm following this thread. Glad to hear you and your husband are speaking again. Family stuff is difficult for sure, and in-law stuf...well, don't get me started...anyway I just wanted to wish you luck again and let you know I'll be looking for your next posts, thanks.


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