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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2013 2:36 pm 
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Day 4 - 18.29

What a day - I wa sucicidal this am, am have been feeling this way pretty much all day. Just had another crying fit. This has took me right back to the days I would cluck off heroin and never did I get past a day on that. I honestly wish right now I was not ont his planet. What has become of my life? :( Sat here at nearly 30 going through this! I know I need to be strong right now and remember why I'm doing this. To finally be free from all this fucking bullshit. This is my own fault and I never want to put myself through this ever again!!

Symptoms

Hot and cold
Sore muscles
Goose pimples all over - like shivers
Depression - I have honestly wished I was dead at points today.

I just had a shower and for now it's bareable. I will keep doing this when I hit those totally unbareable moments.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2013 2:37 pm 
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FUCK YOU WITHDRAWAL - YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BEAT ME..FUCK YOU!!!!!


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2013 3:04 pm 
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You're doing great! For me, it was never unbearable. Withdrawal was no picnic but there wasn't anything I couldn't handle one moment at a time. Keep taking hot showers and baths, it's a miracle cure. Have you listened to some music yet? If you want to help your endorphins get going on their own, just play some of your favorite music. I don't know how I would have gotten through my detox without it. Advil helps take the edge off too. Stay hydrated. You'll get through this.

You've got this.

Edit to add:

I'm sorry, I just saw your second to last post. You are definitely going through one of the tougher moments of this process. Suicidal thoughts are no joke so I hope you will seek help if you feel like it gets too much to bear but depression in general, is a normal symptom. I had really low moments and then not so bad moments and then moments where I felt like I could conquer anything. Try to ride the ups and downs knowing that neither will last very long. You should even out after a little while. Hang in there, you're not alone. We're all here.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2013 4:46 pm 
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Thanks TD. X

I am lucky that I have not been alone. Another day nearly done, right? It's been a fucker of a day. Currently laid in bed listening to music (music is def amazing) kicking my legs with the RLS! I am not feeling too bad atm but I know it will show it's ugly face again soon no doubt! Looking forward to taking my sleeping pill (this is someone who's never like taking these kind of meds - weird I know considering the drugs).


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2013 5:37 pm 
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I really don't feel good :(

Why am I thinking of scoring a bag? WTF? I can't even believe i'm thinking like this. I feel like I'm thinking how I used to think when on heroin. the "fuck it" mentality. Please tell me i'm not alone? I SO want to do thid but right this moment I feel so weak :(


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2013 5:46 pm 
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Can you see the light at the end of the tunnel? How badly do you want to be opiate free? Is this a major goal for you right now or are you just out of subs? I can't say I've had the urges if I'm being totally honest but everyone is different and I know others here probably have. I craved sobriety so badly that the thought of it got me through my tough times. When I decided to jump, I also told myself that if it was too much to bare, I would just go back on suboxone rather than using.

This is a really hard mental process. You have to find something to focus on that will get you through the tougher times. Just keep talking it out. But no, you're not alone i feeling the way you do.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2013 6:26 pm 
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I can't do this :( I feel so ashamed but I just can't. I'm back to the clinic Monday to sort this out as for me i believe i've come off it too high still :( I feel such a failure but I am really feeling this and not as strong as I clearly thought I was.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2013 6:28 pm 
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Thanks for all this amazing support. I will still be sticking around whilst I figure out how I 'm going to sort this all out. My guts feel like they're being pulled apart, my skin feels so cold yet hot at the same time. The goose pimples been there for hrs now. I'm so ANGRY and fucked off. I failed :( It beat me :(


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2013 6:56 pm 
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Hey dee,

Don't look at yourself as a failure, look at this as a learning opportunity.

You basically jumped off 2mg of Suboxone. In most people's opinion, that would be considered "high jumping" and high jumping is a grueling process.

If I were you, I'd go back on Suboxone. You could probably get away with only taking 1mg or 1.5 mg now that your tolerance has been lowered. I'd stabilize there for a while, then I'd try a proper taper. The taper your doctor suggested was horrible.

There are lots of folks here who tapered and I'm sure they'd be willing to help you out when you decide you wanna do that.

Lastly, read my "signature".....the part that says BE KIND TO YOURSELF!! :wink:

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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2013 6:59 pm 
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Romeo wrote:
Hey dee,

Don't look at yourself as a failure, look at this as a learning opportunity.

You basically jumped off 2mg of Suboxone. In most people's opinion, that would be considered "high jumping" and high jumping is a grueling process.

If I were you, I'd go back on Suboxone. You could probably get away with only taking 1mg or 1.5 mg now that your tolerance has been lowered. I'd stabilize there for a while, then I'd try a proper taper. The taper your doctor suggested was horrible.

There are lots of folks here who tapered and I'm sure they'd be willing to help you out when you decide you wanna do that.

Lastly, read my "signature".....the part that says BE KIND TO YOURSELF!! :wink:


Thank so much Romeo. It means a lot, truly!

I'm dreading telling my mum, but more for the thought i'd of let her down. I know she just wants me to be happy and do it the best way I can.

I know this is bad but I have no sub and about to get some gear. I'm only going to have enough to sort me out till Monday. Will I be ok?


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2013 7:00 pm 
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I just have no way of getting any suboxone and can't endure any more of this hell. I'm going to revet it but I can't do this anymore :(


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2013 7:16 pm 
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I can not and will not condone you getting gear. No way, no how.

IF you're going to do it, you MUST, MUST, MUST start out with a small hit. You have no idea where your tolerance is right now and you could EASILY OD. Do you understand?

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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2013 7:21 pm 
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Romeo wrote:
I can not and will not condone you getting gear. No way, no how.

IF you're going to do it, you MUST, MUST, MUST start out with a small hit. You have no idea where your tolerance is right now and you could EASILY OD. Do you understand?


So sorry if i've offended you or anyone, not my intention. I have just had a little bit and now feel better. The rest has been took off of me for now. x


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2013 7:38 pm 
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You didn't offend me, not at all.....you just scared the shit outta me!!!

When people are in desperate situations like you, that seems to be when they OD. I didn't want you accidentally killing yourself.

How long until you can get some Suboxone?

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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2013 7:49 pm 
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Romeo wrote:
You didn't offend me, not at all.....you just scared the shit outta me!!!

When people are in desperate situations like you, that seems to be when they OD. I didn't want you accidentally killing yourself.

How long until you can get some Suboxone?


I need to ring up my key worker first thing Monday morning. She will have to get me an app with the GP at the clinic. I'm in the UK and I think it works differently then in the US as I can't just find a GP and get it that way.

I'm wondering which way to do it. Would going on the methadone and doing a short spurt on that and then getting off it? I'm just so fearful of going back on the suboxone? What would you recommend?


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2013 7:53 pm 
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This conversation would probably be a lot easier if we went into the chat room.

On the main page, towards the bottom of the screen, there's a place that says, "Click to join chat."

I'm really not too familiar with Methadone. Personally, my choice would be to go back on Suboxone....but I'd hate to see you keep using H until that happens. You could try Methadone and see how it works for you?

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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2013 8:30 pm 
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Hey,

Trust me, you have not failed, and no one here is upset with you.
When i was tapering, and tapered too much, there was nothing wrong, with re-adjusting your plan, and slowing it down.

On about 6 occasions, I had to induldge in an extra crumb, if I felt too crap, and if I rushed the drop too much.

Its no biggy, worry more about giving in, once you are painfree and over this ordeal.

When i started Bupe, after 6 months I went cold turkey from 6mg,. I lasted 3 days, and was right back to the Bupe.

I would also avoid methadone, as it is alot harder to taper off, and is way more addictive, WAY MORE!!!!!.

But that being said, you can get your dose really low on methadone, and then do a bupe taper, over a few weeks.

BUPE IS A SERIOUS DRUG, WITH A SERIOUS WD PROFILE, do not underestimate it, and don;t rush your recovery.

Whats wrong with spending 6-12 months on a nice gentle taper, and then quitting, with minimal pain, and maybee just a splash of insomnia.

Anyway, keep going, and YOU ARE GOING TO DO THIS, JUST STAY HERE, AND GO SLOW. REAL SLOW, LET YOUR BRAIN ACCLIMATIZE, OTHERWISE YOU WILL EXPERIENCE PAWS FOR UP TO 6 MONTHS.

Although, yo can just jump, as you have and when you get past 14 days, things will only get better.
If you can cope with 14 days, then you can do this without a taper,. The peak of symptoms is around that time, and then its just a fun 3-6 months of crappness, getting sllightly better each week.

HS

You will do this, and by the gods, we all will help you.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2013 8:48 pm 
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Dee,

It is OK! Recovery in general, and tapering off sub are both processes! When you are feeling suicidal it is time to readjust your plan! That doesn't mean that you've failed!

When you came on this site a few days ago, you were kind of winging it. Fortunately, you have loads more information than you did 3 days ago! This site has example after example of people who managed to taper off sub successfully. Now staying off sub is another effort, but doable if you have worked hard on your recovery. It makes sense for you to be back on a low dose of sub for now. Plan your taper out. Prepare your support system. Ask questions here. There is no reason that you can't get back up on that horse!

Failure does not come from trying and not succeeding. Failure comes from ceasing to try.

I believe that you can achieve your goals, but, please, treat yourself kindly in the meantime.

Amy

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PostPosted: Sun Feb 03, 2013 6:11 am 
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Thank you SO MUCH everyone. I feel like I will get more help from here in regards to getting off this then anywhere else. I don't feel great about what I did last night but I felt truly desperate, but certainly strange taking that after so long. Was certainly never my intention, after all I was doing this to free myself of all that. I clearly did not do it right and am going to do a slow 6mth taper and get down to the very last crumb. I have learned more off here int he last few days then ever. I can't tell you just how glad I am that I found here.

I had an amazing nights sleep but am certainly not going down the road of carrying on using H. It was a desperate time last night and all rational thoughts went out of the window. It took me right back to my using days. The thoughts that were going through my mind was unreal. I feel very blessed that my partner is being so understandable as he has never used before and never been addicted to anything.

I need to get through today and make that phone call in the am. I'm dreading telling them that I used as I have a daughter and it's not going to look good is it :( I was no good to her like that though, no good at all. Had it not been for my partner (not her dad) then I dread to think. It's no joke as someone said coming off of this, and def no joke when you have a child that depends on you.

To top all this off I'm worried I might be pregnant. I was on the depo so really hope not but my boobs are so sore it's unreal, and feel sick. I'm praying it's just a side effect but my boobs just feel a different sore then i'm used to. Gosh that would really not be good, I could not go through giving birth to a child whilst on stuff. Getting a test later. Anyone have the really bruised, can't even touch them feeling?


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 03, 2013 6:12 am 
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Romeo wrote:
This conversation would probably be a lot easier if we went into the chat room.

On the main page, towards the bottom of the screen, there's a place that says, "Click to join chat."

I'm really not too familiar with Methadone. Personally, my choice would be to go back on Suboxone....but I'd hate to see you keep using H until that happens. You could try Methadone and see how it works for you?


Sorry my oh took the lappy after I last posted. I would have liked a chat too. Will try later and see if anyone is about. xx


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