It is currently Tue Aug 22, 2017 1:36 am



All times are UTC - 5 hours [ DST ]


Our Sponsors





Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 96 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5
Author Message
PostPosted: Fri Jun 27, 2014 11:33 pm 
Offline
Power Poster
Power Poster

Joined: Tue Jun 10, 2014 1:24 am
Posts: 61
Hey all,

So finally got in touch with my doc. He said fine to stop the Clonadine now and just to be on the safe side for the Lyrica take it once every other day for a week then stop.

So took off my Clonadine patch yesterday morning - but I think for all intents and purposes I was off it the day before because the patch was a week old.

Not sure if it has to do with stopping the Clonadine, but today - day 22 - I was dragging pretty bad and had an annoying runny nose. More likely I suspect the nose thing is one of those PAWS things and the low energy was - well just because it's only been three weeks and from what I understand it takes a month for energy to start to come back. I have been one of the lucky ones in that I felt my energy largely come back after ten days and was able to start my running again. So I just reminded myself that today's tiredness wasn't going to last forever and just pushed through.

I had a TON of energy yesterday, running 3 miles first thing in the morning, and going to the park and chasing my kid around for a full hour. Funny how how we feel goes back and forth. To be expected, I suppose.

I actually think it will be easier starting on Monday once I go back to work because sitting at a desk for ten hours is WAY easier than chasing a 3 year old around for ten hours!

Anyway all is still well. I was lying in bed as soon as I tucked in my son, thinking about how annoying it was to have a tough day so far out. Pictured myself just pushing through and slowly getting better and better. Realized this is my ONLY option because the only other option - putting poison back under my tongue - is so ludicrous I actually started laughing at what a horrible stupid awful thing that would be to do after I've come so far! Didn't even consider it for a second.

Hope I feel a bit better tomorrow though, it's my birthday! Will probably wait until tomorrow night to take my first night off Lyrica, may as well give myself a short break since I just stopped the Clonadine too.

Peace and love and hugs!


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Jun 28, 2014 4:32 am 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Thu Jun 26, 2014 4:41 am
Posts: 712
Location: Connected
Hey Newmom! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! :D

Hope you have a wonderful "FREE" day with your family! I was so happy to read about you being able to play with your child again, and that you sound so mentally ready to face life drug free. Very encouraging! Keep it up!

_________________
"BE the change that you wish to see in the world"

Mahatma Gandhi


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Jun 28, 2014 1:30 pm 
Offline
Power Poster
Power Poster

Joined: Tue Jun 10, 2014 1:24 am
Posts: 61
Hi Butter. Yes, so wonderful to enjoy my birthday without the slight panic I'd feel after my loved ones would lay out a day planned full of fun and my first, knee-jerk thought would be "oh no! When am I going to find alone time to use?" So wonderful to not have to deal with that.


Top
 Profile  
 
Our Sponsors
PostPosted: Sun Jun 29, 2014 1:43 am 
Offline
Power Poster
Power Poster

Joined: Tue Jun 10, 2014 1:24 am
Posts: 61
Well, turning 35 as a newly sober woman brought mixed feelings, to say the least. It's tough aging, and there's nothing like milestones like these to remind you of your own mortality. And disappearing youth. So it was interesting to process those feelings clean and sober for the first time in six years.

Also, despite the fact that it's day 23 - since taking off the Clonadine patch I've felt very light wd's - the runny nose/yawning - but it's just so so mild it's not even worth a second thought. And I know it will go away.

But - I made it through the day, with no drinking/using/etc. And, I figure if I can make it through today I can make it through any day.

And here is a thought I had during my run this morning, that I neglected to mention in my previous post and pretty much the flipside of my "OMG I'm halfway to 70" thought. As I was pounding out the miles, I realized "OMG I am lucky I lived to see 35" considering the handfuls of pills I used to take. I thank God for watching over me through those times that I really should have OD'ed but didn't.

Hope everyone is enjoying their weekend.

Peace and love and hugs.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Jun 29, 2014 3:15 am 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Thu Jun 26, 2014 4:41 am
Posts: 712
Location: Connected
Newmomsf wrote:
Well, turning 35 as a newly sober woman brought mixed feelings, to say the least. It's tough aging, and there's nothing like milestones like these to remind you of your own mortality. And disappearing youth.


Congrats on day 23!! And listen to me, you are just a BABY, girlfriend! 35 is the new 25! It is all in your "outlook" I think. And you run and are talking care of yourself, so there is no reason you can't remain a vital, youthful person for many many MANY more years! Now, at the risk of sounding 'full of myself", but only to give you a little "perspective", I am 48yrs old, but I work hard to take care of myself (nutrition and exercise) and often get the comment that I look younger than my years (perhaps people are just being kind, lol). My husband is 8 years younger, and I don't feel we look or act "mismatched". My parents are in their 70s and still both active and absolutely alert and clear. My father especially is still really "living" I think- he is 77, exercises daily, and still learns new hobbies (right now is into "sculling"), so I am optimistic that the 70s can also be vital, happy years.
SO, please do not "waste" another second dwelling on how 'old' you are dearie! Accept the things you cannot change and choose to enjoy each age! :D (Hope this made you feel a bit better?)

_________________
"BE the change that you wish to see in the world"

Mahatma Gandhi


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Jun 30, 2014 10:09 pm 
Offline
Power Poster
Power Poster

Joined: Tue Jun 10, 2014 1:24 am
Posts: 61
Sooooooo not sure if anyone is following these posts anymore but I did promise I'd keep you apprised of my progress.

So day 25. I'm off the Clonadine and just last night started my Lyrica "wean" (take the 75 mg pills every other day for a week then stop).

Today was my first day back at work. Honestly I had been looking forward to going back... But as soon as I woke up, and realized what day it was, my stomach clenched and the shakes started. I suffered a mild panic attack through the morning as I wrested with, what I realized upon waking, was going to be my first day having to "cope" without my morning commute and afternoon "pick-me-ups." As I sat on the commuter rail shaking and sweating and furiously chewing my gum, I reflected on how nice it would be to be one of those "normal" people standing near me on the train, who would go through their daily grind without the added stress of having to "not use" on top of everything else. I envied them.

My whole morning was like that - shaky and uncertain and slow. Even a short call to a client to confirm an appointment produced an all-out anxiety reaction. Plus I was battling some nasty lower GI issues (I don't like using the d-word) on top of it. Sooo not fun at work.

But - BUT! Luckily, I had the opportunity to leave the office for lunch, and the wherewithal to realize that an NA meeting could probably make me feel better. I raced across the city to the only location listed with a noon meeting, and as soon as I sat down, my racing heart slowed, the shaking subsided, I took a deep breath, and reminded myself "I can do this."

That meeting made my afternoon so much easier, which was great because as soon as I got back the boss piled an urgent project on my desk. I am on the commuter train heading home and feel so relieved I made it through my first day. And, hopeful that it will get better.

That being said, tomorrow is its own bugbear. First thing I meet with my therapist and sub doc (haha I mean former sub doc). I have resolved to confessing to them that I had been abusing the sub. I am less scared, since I don't have any expected monthly prescriptions to fear being yanked - than I am just dreading telling them because I feel so much shame at lying to them about how much I was taking. I will ask them for forgiveness and hope they will continue treating me (therapist for addict issues and doc for non-narcotic solutions to my spinal issues). But, I am preparing myself for the possibility that I could get booted. I suppose none of that matters to me even close to as much as my shame at taking advantage of them when all they were doing was trying to help me. My stupid disease telling me that lying was necessary to protect itself (the disease) and now that I'm thinking clearly I'm just sick at the thought of having to confess. But it's happening. "We're only as sick as our secrets" right? Haha I'm getting good at this NA stuff.

Sooo will start tomorrow with a run, and hopefully that will blow off some of that nervous energy.

Like I said, not sure if anyone is still "listening," but damn, either way, it felt good to write all this out.

And Butterflyer - thank you for the wisdom re aging. That help put things in perspective. And since I'm treating my body well for the first time in - what - 15 years? - maybe I will age much less in the next 15 than the previous 15 :-)


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Jul 01, 2014 7:45 am 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Thu Jun 26, 2014 4:41 am
Posts: 712
Location: Connected
Newmomsf wrote:
Sooooooo not sure if anyone is following these posts anymore but I did promise I'd keep you apprised of my progress.

And Butterflyer - thank you for the wisdom re aging. That help put things in perspective. And since I'm treating my body well for the first time in - what - 15 years? - maybe I will age much less in the next 15 than the previous 15 :-)

You are more than welcome; so glad it helped! My kids weren't even born yet when I was your age! (I had a boy at 36 and a girl at 38- both healthy, happy, smart kids!)
I was happy to see you posted- I and I'm sure many others will continue to read as you post, but you need to do it for "you" and no one else. Post when you think it will help you. I've kinda gone "post crazy" as I'm home alone and on day 6 of no subs!!! Keeps my mind busy, and I'm getting some laughs which helps with endorphins.
That is AWESOME that you actively took "healthy" steps to deal with your anxiety!! IMO, You are "reprogramming" your brain to make healthy coping choices, and every time you manage that, it will get easier the next time. Also, with each success you manage "drug free" like the one you had with the urgent project, your confidence will grow, and anxiety decrease. You will be blending in with those "normal" people before you know it!
BF

_________________
"BE the change that you wish to see in the world"

Mahatma Gandhi


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Jul 01, 2014 9:55 am 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 10:39 am
Posts: 4028
Location: Sitting at my computer
Hey newmomsf, of course we're still following your posts!!

My first day back to work was much like yours. I thought for sure I was going to crack and come unglued, but I made it. Having anxiety during early wd or PAWS or whatever stage of recovery you're in is normal......especially when coming off opiates. Your nervous system is still probably pretty sensitive right now, but it'll calm down in time. If you can learn to meditate a bit, that'll help, too. You don't have to sit in a dark room and chant OOHHMMM to meditate. All I do is close my eyes for a minute, I ask God to center me, think about my breathing and very quickly I'm feeling better. At first the whole process took a few minutes, but now it's a matter of seconds to feel better.

I think you'll find getting some exercise is a great way to burn off that anxiety, too.

_________________
Be kind to yourself. Our character defects do NOT define who we are!


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Jul 01, 2014 8:59 pm 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member

Joined: Mon Jun 02, 2014 1:47 pm
Posts: 747
Hey, I had the anxiety attacks too. One day I tried going for a ride and got half way down the road and had to turn around and come home. It went away and at the month mark, is gone completely. Never had attacks like that ever so it scared the hell outta me. All part of the process I guess. No fun nonetheless.


Top
 Profile  
 
   
PostPosted: Sat Jul 05, 2014 11:09 am 
Offline
Power Poster
Power Poster

Joined: Tue Jun 10, 2014 1:24 am
Posts: 61
Hi all,

Today is a big day!!! Day 30 off subs, completely clean and sober! Happy birthday to me! Lol

Thanks everyone for the continued support. The pre-work anxiety thing was a battle this week but I found that I can completely knock it out by running first thing in the morning. I have been running three weeks now so am just about able to start running on consecutive days so that will help a lot. I have also started integrating light strength training. Prior to my detox I had signed up for an October half marathon and I have a lot of training to do! I view it as my triumphant return to healthy living.

Everything else has been going pretty good. I still get PAWS symptoms sometimes but it seems to just be runny nose, sneezing, watery eyes. It only happens at the same time of day I used to take my second dose of Sub, so it makes perfect sense.

With the exception of one outlying day, I have been getting a full 7-9 hours of sleep every night. This is with unisom and melatonin. My energy is doing fine, although I still find myself slightly more tired at 9:30 after a routine day (up at 6:30, morning child care and exercise, 1.5 hour commute to work at 8, 8-10 hour work day, commute home arriving around 7:30, child care until he goes to bed at 8:30/9, household chores until 9:30/10). But that's always been a lot so I will just take it as it comes.

I stopped the Clonadine last week, and have finished my Lyrica wean (taking my 75 mg capsules every other day for a week), taking my last one last night. I don't think I'll have any problems moving forward, although perhaps a bit of diarrhea (I was getting it mildly on my off-Lyrica days) but I have no fear. Not after coming this far. Plus at 75 mg per day I was on such a low dose for such a short time (3 weeks) it's not a big deal any way you look at it.

Next is to wean off the unisom (was taking 100 mg so will try to find the 25 mg ones to wean rather than dropping by the 50's). I have been taking Unisom nightly for a very long time so I don't know how this will affect my overall ability to fall and stay asleep so I will probably wait until I've been off the Lyrica at least a week until I start that.

I went to NA meetings on Monday and Wednesday, AA on Thursday, and had therapy on Tuesday. I have noticed that whether I'm feeling bad or good, the meetings help a lot. Also have continued to stay connected to my higher power, reading recovery "literature," etc.

So just wanted to check in, thank everyone for their support, and say happy belated fourth. I hope you are all well. I am off to conquer my first post-sub 4 mile run. I'm gonna rock it :-)

Peace and love and hugs.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Jul 05, 2014 11:43 am 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 10:39 am
Posts: 4028
Location: Sitting at my computer
Congratulations on 30 days!!!
Attachment:
untitled.png
untitled.png [ 77.3 KiB | Viewed 353 times ]


That's SUPER that you're exercising and doing strength training. Exercise is one of the best weapons I have in keeping my anxiety in check, glad it works for you, too!!!

_________________
Be kind to yourself. Our character defects do NOT define who we are!


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Jul 05, 2014 3:30 pm 
Offline
One Month or More
One Month or More
User avatar

Joined: Wed Jul 02, 2014 5:01 pm
Posts: 33
Running filled that hole when I cleaned up 4 years ago. Setting the goal to run that half-marathon was a smart move, it'll keep you motivated to keep running. I love running so much - sprained my ankle Tuesday - so have been feeling pretty bummed I can't get my morning runs in.

But you have found one of the most important pieces to the puzzle, stick with running, those days where your mind is screaming that you're too tired and trying to find every excuse it can to get you to skip your run, silence it. Those will be your best runs, where your willpower will be ironed out.

I'm looking forward to being able to run again as soon as this ankle lets me. The two years of my life where I was training for a marathon and running 5,10, and 15k's were some of my happiest. My body transformed before my eyes into a piece of beauty and health.

After the marathon (ran it in 3:48:52) breaking my goal of wanting to run it under four hours. I finally thought I was ready to conquer my anxiety and go back to college. Things didn't turn out the way I wanted them to. I'm still holding on in school, but relapsed along the way. Really sucks. But I know I have my outlet in running, and also in Bikram Yoga ( it's that one for crazy people where the room is 105 degrees and the humidity makes it feel like 115)........it is freaky how much water we have in our body, first few classes I took I thought that I was going to die.

Anyway, great job on your 30 day mark, and good luck on that half marathon. The key is not to listen to your lazy mind on the days you won't feel like training :)


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Jul 05, 2014 3:38 pm 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Tue May 27, 2014 9:01 am
Posts: 641
Location: Toronto
Hey NM, really glad to hear that you're doing well, it's good to read your update.

BTW, with the schedule you describe, no wonder you're tired! I get tired just looking at your schedule.

-- ji

_________________
"Past and future veil God from our sight; burn both of them with fire."
-- Rumi, Sufi poet and teacher


Top
 Profile  
 
   
PostPosted: Mon Aug 04, 2014 1:55 pm 
Offline
Power Poster
Power Poster

Joined: Tue Jun 10, 2014 1:24 am
Posts: 61
Hello friends,

Well here I am at day 60 clean and sober and off subs. I wanted to check in and give an update. It's been a wild ride and things have been up and down but I can tell with 100% certainty that I am getting BETTER. I am so proud of myself for making it this far, am so thankful for the support I have received from friends, family, support groups, and this site. Looking back I am so happy that I made the choice to come off subs and even though the jump from 6 mg was scary, for me it was the right decision and I am completely positive of that. A quick rundown on what I've experienced in the last 30 days:

(1) Post-Nasal Drip/Runny Nose - As soon as I came off the wd support meds (around day 30) I was hit with horrendous post-nasal drip that was so bad I felt like I was choking on my own throat and couldn't breathe due to the phlegm I could not get out of my lungs. Very quickly my ribs and stomach and back became sore from futily coughing to clear the phlegm. I knew I was not sick because it was clear runny phlegm and not yellow or thick. My sub doc confirmed it was a "rebound effect" from six years worth of various drying medications. The pharmacist suggested a few non-drowsy non-pseudo based allergy medications which I tried. Allegra seemed to help, although only by about 30%. Benadryl at night. I was also going through a bag of Halls every few days, chewing gum, hot tea, cold carbonated beverages (but not too much caffeine). I noticed improvements about every week and now I am doing much better with only about 20% of the post-nasal drip. Thank God!

(2) Energy - Energy levels have varied and occasionally if I have a busy morning I'll crash really early in the day and feel totally dead but it usually passes in a couple hours, drinking a small amount of caffeine (12 oz of Diet Coke) helps. However this has improved over time. In fact I just took a very busy weekend family trip and did very well with little to no noticeable sapped energy issues.

(3) Sleep - Sleep has been good, and has stayed good while I have been weaning off the Unisom (which is basically the Benadryl I've taking - same thing). I went from 150 mg during my first month off subs and am now only taking 75 mg. Off the Melatonin completely. Through all this I'm sleeping about 7-7.5 hours a night and even if I wake up in the middle of the night I can get back to sleep fairly easily.

(4) Emotional issues - The bad anxiety I was feeling went away after my first week back at work. I believe exercise has been key for this. I don't feel depression very often, but what I have been experiencing quite a bit is anhedonia. I used to use (and abuse my sub) when I was bored so my brain has been resisting to adjusting to life without drugs. It's hard to feel motivated to work, or even to do the things I used to love like read. But I understand this is a biochemical/neurological PAWS thing, I know it will improve (like everything else has), and I just have to be patient. I have been working through this with my therapist. I am not interested in any psych medications. I am so done with filling presciptions. The only prescription medication I take now is a few triptan-type migraine pills for PMS migraine.

These are the wd-related issues I've dealt with since day 30. Any time I get frustrated at the long term recovery challenges, I just remind myself how far I've come, and of the things that have already resolved, and I know the rest will too.

I'm still attending 3-4 meetings a week. There is an AA meeting during my lunch hour right near where I work, and they are such a lifeline for me. This is something I didn't expect I'd be doing, honestly I thought I'd be attending NA meetings but I couldn't find one that worked for me. They were too far away from my office and I could not connect at all with the people there. I felt very uncomfortable and mournful over my great NA experience back where I detoxed. But after realizing this was an opportunity to accept something I can't change, I have thrown myself wholeheartedly into the AA program, have connected so well with the people there, and look forward to meetings. I found myself a sponsor and have started working through the program with her.

I am exercising and in some respects my body is stronger than it's been since I was running cross country at 16. I ran 6 miles for the first time since age 16 just a week ago, am running a total of 17-18 miles a week, and am looking forward to running my first Half Marathon in a couple months.

I have rediscovered my favorite genre of music - hard rock/heavy metal. I've been listening to old favorites and have found a whole new bunch of stuff to listen to. It's one of the things that are guaranteed to lift me out of that blah anhedonic state.

I have reconnected with my husband and son and feel more connected to them than I have in a long time. I am looking forward to my favorite time of year, the fall, and so excited about the next fall/winter holiday season.

I wanted to thank everyone here again for being so supportive and getting me through the tough times. I will continue to post updates at least at my milestones. Best wishes to you all wherever you are on your recovery journey.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Aug 04, 2014 4:27 pm 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Tue May 27, 2014 9:01 am
Posts: 641
Location: Toronto
Really good to hear from you NM, glad to hear you're doing so well.

I'm on day 30-something myself, it definitely is a process, but I feel better week by week.

There's some really strong AA recovery for sure, are the groups drug-friendly? I've joined an AA home group a couple weeks ago, where many members identify as addicts rather than alcoholics. (I've also got a Cocaine Anon homegroup that I just joined.) Plugging back in to these fellowships has been huge, during my later taper/early jump, I was just too tired at the end of the day to catch a meeting.

Reconnecting with people is something I've noticed too, since getting off Subs. I don't spend so much damn time in my head, which is a good place not to be!

Take care.

-- ji

_________________
"Past and future veil God from our sight; burn both of them with fire."
-- Rumi, Sufi poet and teacher


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Aug 04, 2014 7:38 pm 
Offline
Moderator
Moderator
User avatar

Joined: Thu Feb 23, 2012 4:42 am
Posts: 4134
Great job, Newmom! 60 days is a wonderful accomplishment! Keep it up!

Amy

_________________
Done is better than perfect!


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 96 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5

All times are UTC - 5 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Our Sponsors
Suboxone Forum latest topics RSS feed Subscribe to the entire forum
 

 

 
Fond Du Lac Psychiatry
Dr. Jeffrey Junig, M.D., Ph.D.

  • Board Certified Psychiatrist
  • Asst Clinical Professor, Medical College of Wisconsin

Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group