Oh Glester! Maybe my mom instincts are in overdrive because my son just left for college, but I just want to give you a big hug and tell you it will be ok!
I'm so glad that you are honest about how you are feeling. You are so brave to be vulnerable to a bunch of strangers, but we are here to help. I wish I could do the things I will ask you to do for you or at least with you. If you were in my area I would make sure that I met up with you to discuss your options. Since I can't do that, we will have to settle for posting and PMs.
To me it sounds like you are in the midst of a major depressive episode. Whether that is caused by PAWS or the chemistry in your brain, you need to get on the road toward recovery from your depression. Now taking some small steps forward is hard when you're in this depressive state, but I have to ask you to push yourself to do a couple of things.
First of all, if you want to PM me and tell me where you live, I will help you search for mental health services that you can afford. If you don't feel that you need my help that is just fine! Do you have any family members who might be willing to help? It's one of the hallmarks of depression to feel stuck and to not see a light at the end of the tunnel. My son went through clinical depression at age 8. He felt very out of control and couldn't see a way forward. I found him a great child psychologist and she helped him so much! So there is help! And I know it's hard to take the initial steps toward getting help, but it's essential. Here is a link to help you get started:https://www.thepennyhoarder.com/life/lo ... -services/
If you PM me with the area in which you live I can be a lot more helpful. Ultimately, I think that you need to see a doctor, possibly a psychiatrist. It could be that the right combination of medications could make the difference that you need to improve your state of mind. This is not your fault and you deserve help!
You are worth taking these steps forward to make your life better, Glester. Please get in touch with me!