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 Post subject: Jump off now or never?
PostPosted: Sun Dec 14, 2014 1:41 pm 
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Hi--I have been lurking for a few days now and I finally chose to speak up because I am at a critical point in recovery. I have been taking Subs for 5 YEARS because I had been a raging opiate addict for 15 years, only tried to clean up 3 times with no success that lasted over 3 months. I tried Methadone detox, 28 day and 6 month rehab. The only thing thatworked was Suboxone. I would have happily continued taking them for ever if I could, but my doctor had to leave her independant practice and join a pain mangement/addiction clinic and the cost out of pocket is prohibitive. I had been able to pay her fees plus the cost of Subs no problem w/o insurance, and I finally obtained full coverage for myself last Friday but they do not accept my out of state insurance. Bah! So I chose to taper, very slowly over 2 months, but I had a hard time sticking to a schedule because of w/d. I took .5 mg for the past two days, and I am on day 2 of .25 mg and I feel like a train wreck about to happen! I can't know for sure what to expect in the coming days/weeks but I know that Christmas is almost here, and with a young child there is too much to do. Even on such a low dose I am having w/d already. I have always had a freakishly rapid metabolism for opiates and Suboxone is no different-any longer than 24 hrs and I will start feeling sick even when I was taking much higher doses. I can call up a couple local clinics tomorrow and hope to get back on a stabilizing dose of say, 2 mg and quit after the holidays, or stay on it forever, or I can suck it up and quit now. I have 2 more days of .25 mg doses left but a very busy schedule ahead. Is it even worth it to get another doc seeing as how I'm almost "there"? My mind is not being my friend right now, because I've been getting the itch again since I've been tapering--it's strange how I've been so good I haven't even attempted to build a support group. Maybe I should get back on them and get in solid recovery first and then taper? Maybe I am an example of a suboxone lifer? I've had a really really really really terrible past from drugs and I have so much now to lose, but because of this craving I can see how seductive the call is, just for a few hours of walking in the clouds. Any one gone through what I am now--not wanting to quit on your own volition but because of circumstances? Did anyone drop this low and succeed or fail?


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 14, 2014 2:24 pm 
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Welcome to the forum, glad you posted.
Imo, from what im reading here, you do not sound ready to Stay clean after you go off sub.
Thoughts of using are already knockin at the door.
With no support or recovery in place it seems to me that sub treatment is still your best bet!
This wd your getting into will keep going and right though the hollidays.
Life sounds good, you have rebuilt and say there is alot to lose.
Imo ..make the call and find a provider asap..
Take some time and after the new year if you want to taper and have started a recovery plan, then go for it..
Im a lifer..4 years in..aint broke,not fixin it..
Others will come aloug..you will get more input...

My 2 cents.

Razor...


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 14, 2014 2:53 pm 
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Yeah, the "ghosts of Christmas past" is knocking--from over 5 years ago. It's like I never had been clean.
"If it ain't broken, why try to fix it"--you're absolutely right.


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 14, 2014 3:07 pm 
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I'm glad you decided to join and start posting here. You are definitely at a very critical point. First off, I have to say, .25mg is a very low dose...but you're not "there" yet. I got down that low, and I think even went to .125 and couldn't make the jump. My situation was kind of similar to yours, in that I wasn't quitting because I wanted to...I was being forced off by my doctor who didn't believe in long term maintenance. I don't think it's impossible to get off suboxone, but you really have to be doing it because you want it for yourself. The fact that you are already having cravings, and thoughts of using is a huge red flag. Especially with your long history of addiction.

In my opinion, you don't sound ready. Razor gave good advice. You really need to get some good, solid recovery work in before you attempt this. Have you checked in with any of the other clinics you mentioned? If you are determined to get off the subs then I think your best bet would be to go back and get enough medication to at least do a proper taper and give yourself time to work on the groundwork and support group you mentioned getting in place.

The screen name you chose tells me that you have an idea how serious this disease is. You definitely don't want to become another casualty. If you don't know with absolute certainty that you will never touch another opiate again, then maybe coming off the subs isn't the right choice for you. Whatever you decide to do, you need to at least be sure that you are making a concious decision based on what is right for your own recovery. Don't let the loss of one doctor dictate the rest of your life. You owe it to yourself, and your child, to do this right.

I hope you understand that there is NOTHING wrong with staying on suboxone for a lifetime if that is what you need to do to keep yourself sober. Don't let anyone else's opinions about it sway you from doing what is best for you.

I hope you find this forum of some help to you. If you have any other questions, we would be happy to help.

Q

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PostPosted: Sun Dec 14, 2014 3:23 pm 
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Oh..come now, i believe people on sub therapy Are clean..clean enough as Dr J has said.
So you are too.
I understand the "difference "clean..dirty, and of course "drug free"!!
How do we live our lives, That is what counts..
Are we safe on Buprenorphine? Yes.. so.....

I say live safe and Clean...Enough....


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 14, 2014 3:55 pm 
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Thanks, Q
No, I'm not really there. This wasn't a conscious choice, but I put forth the effort to taper. I just didn't think through the process. I thought I'd be better off if I didn't think about it and just did it and hoped that I'd be o.k. I didn't expect to be crawling the walls thinking about a fix, because that seemed like a dead monkey--if anything I thought I'd just really really really want suboxone. I'm calling local places tomorrow morning--very very very anxious how that will go. Addiction treatment is well within reach since I've gotten insurance. I couldn't swing it before, too expensive.


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 14, 2014 4:02 pm 
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Also, Q, did you go back on subs after going down to .25 or did you quit?


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 14, 2014 4:48 pm 
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No, I went back to a maintenance dose of 2-3mg per day. As I said, I personally wasn't ready to quit. I gave it a shot. I thought I had mustered up enough courage to make the most out of my situation and jump....but I couldn't get past .125mg. (I think that's where I was, I'd have to go back to my original thread to see for sure)

Good luck with those phone calls! Keep us posted on your progress, ok?

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PostPosted: Sun Dec 14, 2014 5:02 pm 
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Thank you! Now that I'm thinking about it a bit more clearly I'm sure I can find a doc somewhere and I don't see why they would turn me away...unless there are no openings and then I'll have to go through with it. I was good on 2-3 mg, too. Less thanthat and I got squirrelly. I started on 20 mg, so I've come a long way. Still, I was on 2 mg three weeks ago. Wish I called then.


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 14, 2014 9:55 pm 
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Sh*t, I'm feeling pretty bad right now--I didn't sleep last night at all and tonight doesn't look good either.


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 15, 2014 11:29 am 
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I can't believe there is *NO ONE* around here who is taking patients! Everybody is full.


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 15, 2014 12:26 pm 
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Crap, that is absolutely THE most frustrating part of this whole situation. I don't understand why doctors aren't allowed more than 100 patients. It makes it impossible for everyone who needs treatment to get it.

Okay, have you searched naabt.org? You might have to drive a bit to find someone accepting patients...but it might be worth it. Also, try psychiatrists and counselors in the area for referrals. Maybe try calling local pharmacy's to see if they have any prescribing doctors that you aren't aware of.

Don't give up yet!

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 15, 2014 12:41 pm 
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I am willing to drive up to 2 hours and I called everyone. I even called a local connection line which helps addicts find a doc. Just waiting for a call back.The really really really sad and sick part is that if I wanted (which I really really don't but lets say I was brand new to suboxone treatment in this predicament) I could find a heroin dealer within a 20 min drive from where I live. Why all the hassle to get suboxone?


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 15, 2014 3:20 pm 
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Hey there notanothercasualty! Ur story is so heartbreaking to me. I can only imagine how anxious u must be right now. I've been trying to wrack my brain figuring out something to tell u to try so u can find u a clinic or doctor. A good one is calling pharmacies like q said. There could be a Dr somewhere close that u just don't know about maybe. Do u have any medicine left or are u totally out? I'm keeping u in my prayers and I know u will find good news somewhere just please do NOT give up. Keep on and on and call over and over and beg if u have to. Call ur old Dr and ask where she sent her patients that couldn't follow her to her new place. There's gotta be something surly. Also I think u were very brave trying to taper, sometimes it just doesn't work and I know it wouldn't for me right now either. U can do this!!

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 15, 2014 5:57 pm 
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Thank you for the kind encouragement--I honestly just gave up looking, I don't have the patience or the emotional fortitude to face all this rejection, lol. I have 3 days left of .25 mg and I'm getting some kratom S
shipped here in two days. I have Imodium, multi vitamins, green tea, and gallonsof V8 and orange juice. I want out of this game--the only place that could take me didn't take my insurance and charges $250 for first appt, $150 for weekly appts with NO prospect of monthly visits. If I get a call back tomorrow from a clinic that charges more reasonable fees I *MIGHT* go back on subs, but I'm not holding my breath because the minimum waits I've found are 6mths-1year. So very very very annoying.


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 15, 2014 6:05 pm 
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There are some very sick addicts out there who need the help more than I do right now, since space is so limited at the clinics. I have had a happy, healthy, successful life for the past 5 years. Everybody deserves a chance at that--I shouldn't act like such a wuss, lol. Also, there's no reason why I have to give my life up. Suboxone helped but it didn't *GIVE* me these things. I earned them. May the suffering junkies find peace and the chance to discover they are so much more than *JUST* another junkie/casualty.


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 16, 2014 10:15 am 
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Well, I got a call from the recovery connection this morning and got some really solid help I can take advantage of today--no suboxone providers are available righy now, but addiction specialists and recovered addicts who reach out to people coming off subs who aren't NA affiliated. It's good to see there is help for people in my situation, even if it might not be exactly what I wanted. :-)


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 16, 2014 1:03 pm 
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That's good news. To be honest, I am verry worried about you. I hope you take advantage of what you found and really work hard at it. Please, keep working on that suboxone doctor. Get on those waiting lists even if you don't think you will get in. I think you are at a very high risk for relapse right now, and it would be a shame to see you turn back to anything that would put your recovery in jeopardy. Even the kratom. I know you don't want to hear that right now, but it is going to activate those opiate receptors in a way that is scarily similar to oxy. It can lead you down a dangerous path my friend.

Please be safe.

Q

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PostPosted: Tue Dec 16, 2014 1:37 pm 
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I spoke to a woman on the phone at the lcal recovery center and she was wicked helpful--first thing tomorrow I have an appt to start a recovery program. Ccounseling, group therapy, meetings, the whole nine. She'll even bump me up the waiting list at the suboxone clinic if I need it, I guess because I've beena rreally good patient and I'm soooo close to recovery that it's already a given I want to stay clean :-) As for the kratom, it's a last resort. I might not even need it but it's better for me than benzos and such and such.


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 16, 2014 2:08 pm 
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I was worried about you too! When I read your last couple of posts I felt despair at your situation. I'm so happy that there's been a 180 turn around!!! Congratulations!!

Amy

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