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PostPosted: Fri Jul 28, 2017 4:07 pm 
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OpenMind wrote:
You should probably disregard a lot of the things I said Dee. I have to remind myself that your circumstances are much different than mine. I got a little carried away like I tend to do late at night. I guess I was thinking about my own birthday that's coming up pretty soon and how different it will be for me this year.

Because I 'took more' every chance I could get. I loved the warm fuzzy feeling that only strong opiates can provide. Our motivation is different even though we started at close to the same time. I can't tell you how many times I will be typing up a long reply to someone and at some point I'll start writing about myself. It's so weird but it just comes out some times. I've learned to just let it flow and then clean up the mess afterwards.

I still hope you enjoyed your birthday!! - OM


Dear OM,

I felt I needed to explain my situation to provide more clarity into the situation that I find myself in. When my MD & I were talking about Suboxone he described it to me like this:

"Dee, taking Sub vs. 2 Dilaudids per day is like instead of driving your Lexus Luxury Sedan, you will be driving a Mercedes Benz."

Sounds pretty good, huh? Who wouldn't do that??? So of I course I did. At this point it's water under the bridge.

I intend to see this through and hope I come out opiate free for life.

Regarding my depression on my B'Day, there was a strong triggering force for it. We have a cardinal rule in our household...no cell phones in the bedroom on days that we don't have to set an alarm to get up. Well, at 7 AM I heard his cell phone ping with a text. Woke me up right away and while on Subs I CAN NOT get back to sleep no matter how hard I try.

I so wanted to sleep until my body was ready to wake on my birthday. A special treat. It didn't happen and it sent me into a depression. Never did pull out of it that day, but my friends & family certainly made the day a great one this year. But I was so mad at my husband.

Depression is rough...

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 28, 2017 4:16 pm 
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I just want to say that I am appreciating your presence here, Dee. I lost my mom when she was 59 and I miss her all the time even though it's been almost 15 years that she's been gone.

I find myself drawn to women that remind me of my mom and you are very kind, just like she was.

I just read an earlier post of yours about being susceptible to wanting to shop more now to perhaps fill a void. I totally understand! I did way too much online shopping after I left active addiction. I think that many of us, who unlike you are very addicted to a drug have this feeling of, what do I think of now? I had a hard time filling up my mind after my obsession to use was gone.

No one really tells you that you will need a new hobby or interest after you go on buprenorphine, but I'm finding that it's a common feeling!

Amy

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 29, 2017 2:11 pm 
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Hi Dee, I just went back and read your thread, and dang! You have a good stockpile of Subs. That is always a good thing in my book because I went through a rough time mentally when my first Suboxone clinic closed down without a days notice. It's very unlikely that the same thing will happen to you. But of course I was thinking at the time that something like that would never happen to me, so.... Well shame on your husband for having the phone on, on your birthday. I would have been in a bad way too hun. Well give all those kitties a pet and kiss for me. And I hope your having a wonderful weekend. Your forum friend, Angie


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 31, 2017 11:41 am 
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Maybe I was too hard on the hubs for that cell phone waking me up. But when depression hits, I just have to push through. Too bad it was on my birthday. I woke up the next day & every day since just fine. I've also upped my dose of Seroquel to where I was 6 moths ago. I think I need all the help I can get with mania/depression. (I get them both).

My sweet little kitties send a big 'ole hug right back at ya! Little animals are so great for the unconditional love. My Mom & Dad always had a dog and cat in the house. They taught me well. I'm forever grateful for that!

No only do I have a large stock pile of Subs, but I also have a stock pile of Dilaudid. I never took more than prescribed for my pain, & would even skip doses so that I had enough to keep me out of WD's should there be an issue with my Dr. They have since been passed off to my husband. I do believe that I will need to deal with this as I taper lower and jump. Probably must go down the drain because I know that getting of the Subs is THE BEGINNING!

I hope you had a nice weekend also. It was 103 degrees here on Saturday. Just awful! Can't wait until Fall arrives...

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 01, 2017 11:30 am 
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Amy-Work In Progress wrote:
I just want to say that I am appreciating your presence here, Dee. I lost my mom when she was 59 and I miss her all the time even though it's been almost 15 years that she's been gone.

I find myself drawn to women that remind me of my mom and you are very kind, just like she was.

I just read an earlier post of yours about being susceptible to wanting to shop more now to perhaps fill a void. I totally understand! I did way too much online shopping after I left active addiction. I think that many of us, who unlike you are very addicted to a drug have this feeling of, what do I think of now? I had a hard time filling up my mind after my obsession to use was gone.

No one really tells you that you will need a new hobby or interest after you go on buprenorphine, but I'm finding that it's a common feeling!

Amy

Sorry for the late reply Amy. I am honored that I remind you of your wonderful Mom. That's such a nice compliment. You must miss her terribly. Both of my parents are gone. Both lost to heart attacks. Dad at 60, Mom at 80.

Regarding the shopping, instead of shopping at Neiman's, I'm shopping at Macy's. So I can do a "little" shopping without causing money issues. I've always been a shopper. It's a crazy habit to have. At least I'm no longer putting our retirement funds in jeopardy. Getting off the pills has helped that immensely, thank God!

I must admit I spend a lot of time on this Forum. I find even the old posts so helpful. I guess it's kind of a hobby for me at this time. I'm excited to see what the future holds for me. Where as when I was on the pills I felt like I was on a merry-go-round that I would never be able to get off of.

I do have an issue with pain though. I'm taking 400 mg Motrin & aspirin to help. It's really not doing much though. As I drop my dose my pain seems to be getting worse. I do dose twice a day for the analgesic effect. When I look into the future, I wonder how I'm going to deal with this pain...

Well, have a great day Amy. And once again, thank you for all you do as a Mod here on the Forum!

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 01, 2017 11:35 am 
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Hey deekay, I just read your thread and I'm really happy that you are off of pain meds and starting to get your life back. I was on subs for a long time so it's easy to not think about just how terrible being on pain meds can be, when I have been removed from them for so long.

One quick trip down memory lane reminds me of everything thing though. Besides the withdrawals and nodding off 80% of the day and possibly dying; the part I think about most is how much it controlled my life. Every single second was pretty much dedicated to pills. If I wasn't doing one, or high from just doing one, I was thinking about how many do I have left? when Am I going to get more? what if my dealer ran out? what if he's not going to be around? do I have enough money? where am I going to get the money? omg I have none for tomorrow, I'm going to be sick and on and on it went. Not to mention stopping many times only to go back weeks later because I couldn't stop thinking about it and then that whole process started all over again. Hoping today was the last time I did opiates while simultaneously hoping that I get the same feeling as I did the first time I did an oxy. Which I never really did, I was chasing a memory and after a while it was no longer to get high but just feel "normal", whatever that is.

I know that might not have been your exact experience because you got yours from a doctor but anyone who has been on pain pills knows those feelings. Suboxone helped me get back to a normal life where My life didn't revolve around drugs. It takes a while for your brain to heal and rewire itself to not think like that anymore when that software program of addiction has been running on your mind for the past 7 years.

I will not pretend to know what is best for you, so if you want to taper now that is obviously up to you completely. I will just tell you that as I was tapering, it is easy to become a little obsessive about it and keep trying to push the envelope on how much less you can take sometimes (usually only to take more than you are used to once you feel the effects of taking less). I'm glad you decided to take this slowly but you have only been on it a few months after being on opiates for 7 years.

If it were me, I would plan out my daily doses for the few weeks (until my next drop), take that everyday and not think about it. Instead spend that mental energy on the things you said were important to you, like your family.

Throughout this process I know all of us here have learned a lot about ourselves. I examined my life and patterns and realized that I was constantly pulling away from opiates and then crashing back into them, like waves against the rocks. Subs helped me stop crashing, but my experience is different than yours. I'm sure you put a lot of thought into it already, but be completely honest with yourself and your past and I believe you will find what's best for you. As Socrates said "know thyself" and you cannot go wrong. Good luck deekay!


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 01, 2017 1:26 pm 
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Thanks for that Justin! Yes, I discovered pretty quickly to line out my doses for an entire week. I got a 7 day pill holder. So each weekend I line things up & forget about it & record it in my journal. That way I don't obsess over what I'm taking today or tomorrow...

So I was feeling a lot of pain yesterday, then some of those WD feelings. I checked my blood pressure when I got home & it was way on up there. Classic sign for me. Not bad enough to take the Clonodine (I think that's the BP meds). I just rode it out & am okay for today so far.

I'm pushing ever so slightly to stabilize at 4.25 mg. If yesterday is the worst of it then I'm good to go. As you know, I never took more than prescribed for my pain. In fact I had quite a large emergency supply. Never got that warm & calming feeling that I hear others talk about either. Strictly for pain. Now that I'm getting to a lower dose the pain is really getting bad. I'm taking prescription Motrin & aspirin to try to lessen it, but yesterday was really bad. I may try acupuncture next. Suppose it couldn't hurt.

Anyways, thanks for your kind words! :)

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 01, 2017 10:53 pm 
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Dena,

I may very well have missed this, but why are you tapering in the first place? If you are starting to feel more pain from tapering, why don't you go back up?

On the days I dose for pain, I dose 3 or 4 times in a 24 hour period. If 6mg works better for you, I would go back up to that amount and take 1.5mg every 6 hours or so. There's no reason not to try for more spread out dosing, especially since you don't have a history of taking extra medication.

Let me know what you think!

I still have my dad who is now 75. Losing my mom when I was 31 was very, very difficult. She died at home from a pulmonary embolism. And then last fall my best friend from growing up died suddenly from heart failure brought on by a birth defect. In many ways his death is just as hard as my mom's. Just one of the reasons I appreciate my forum friends so much. We are a team and with so much in common.

Amy

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 25, 2017 11:41 pm 
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Hey DeeKay,

I'm usually rushing thru here and not sure the of the right thread or where you will see this, but am wondering w Hurricane Harvey -- if you and hubby -- made it to safe higher ground??

When you can, please let us know. YOU matter, Best always!! Pel

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 26, 2017 11:19 am 
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Hey Pelican! Thanks for checking up on me. We weathered Harvey last night pretty well. Only 1.11" of rain yesterday but it looks like we had some pretty serious wind with lots of branches down in the yard this morning. For today only .5" rain (so far). Being right in the center of Houston, we're usually pretty protected just due to all the development around.

Going forward, rain & flooding will be our problem. We weathered Ike, so as long as we stay vigilant by keeping our french drains clean we can avoid our house flooding.

I actually slept for 8+ hours last night which is really unheard of for me right now. I've been taking Calm Support & that has helped me tremendously. I've never found supplements or vitamins to agree with me, but this one is a bit of a miracle for me right now. It's well worth that $60 price tag IMHO.

Again, thank you for your concern. So far so good here in H Town!

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 26, 2017 2:37 pm 
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I didn't realize u were in Texas Dee, glad u weren't in the heart of this awful storm. One thing I've never had to worry about is a hurricane..... tornadoes but never hurricanes. Again, glad ur ok :)

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 26, 2017 11:41 pm 
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Ditto Dee! I'm glad your home is fairly protected.

Keep us updated, will you?

Amy

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 28, 2017 9:48 pm 
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Hey DeeKay, me again. I'm watching TV and see more rain is coming. Hope and pray you all are A OK, whatever A OK means right now. Pretty sure you stockpiled. I know you've said before that anxiety is real for you and I'm sure this storm is provoking it. We have another member here, HTOWN that I'm concerned for too as well as every human and animal impacted. A tragedy...

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 29, 2017 5:14 pm 
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Finally have a moment to sign in. Thank you all for your concern! It's been extremely difficult here. My best friend's 2 story house is on Buffalo Bayou & it completely flooded her first floor. She's 78 years old and could only get out by boat. A good samaritan in a boat picked up her & her dog and brought her to my home! I was extremely nervous & worried for her. Relieved to have her here, but sorry for her home.

We've fought hard to keep our house above water. We now have water damage from the flashing on the fireplace then down our walls, so we have not escaped unscathed, but way better than many here.

Then my Sister's house (1 story) completely flooded out. Again, good samaritan's came with a boat & got her & all her animals out & to safety. She is now in a dry neighborhood & all are doing well. Her house is totaled though. So very very sad.

As an update, I've stabilized at 4mg and am feeling very good. I've cried several times over the severe sadness we're dealing with here, but no desire whatsoever to falter. I've been able to physically do what I need to do to take care of the emergencies that have popped up at all hours of the day & night. God was looking out for me, of that I am sure.

Now, God needs to help South Texas. Please keep us all in your prayers! Also, please support folks like the Red Cross if you get a chance.

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 30, 2017 1:07 am 
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Oh Dee, I'm so sorry for all of your friends' and family's misfortune! And your own with the water damage!

Please keep us updated and let us know if there is anything we can do besides supporting Houston charities.

I often donate directly to UMCOR because I know people who work in the organization and I know that it's run almost entirely by volunteers, and the money goes directly to relief in the affected area. Here's a link if you want to check it out:

http://www.umc.org/how-we-serve/united- ... the-ground

Amy

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 30, 2017 8:44 am 
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Dee ur in my prayers and this whole situation is in my prayers! It's great to hear ur damage wasn't as devastating as many others have been. The news and reports I've been seeing is just upsetting.

There's also an easy way for ppl to donate by text message, text HARVEY to make a $10 donation.

Hopefully things will start looking a little brighter.

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 30, 2017 11:20 am 
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Prayers for you and everyone affected by this storm! Hope you are still above water and doing well! Love and prayers!


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 30, 2017 11:29 am 
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Thank you all for your support and for just simply caring! The out pouring with volunteers & good samaritans here has been amazing. All the charities that have been mentioned are excellent ideas!

Our new crisis is a levy that just might breach. It will feed Buffalo Bayou so my friend's house, although 2 stories, may be totaled. She's worried & wants to go see, but I just don't think we can get there except by boat.

I'm running low on food for both humans & pets. I prepared as best as possible, but how can one prepare for this? It's overwhelming now. The sun is shining, but the situation is still dire.

So thankful I have a large Sub stockpile. One less thing to worry about. I tend to be a very nervous individual, but I guess good adrenaline kicks in & you get 'er done. Lol

Next up, our focus will be on our office. We're extremely worried about it. If that levy breaches, it could simply be wiped out. I just need to focus on today & the crisis's on hand.

Thank you all for your prayers and well wishes!

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PostPosted: Mon Sep 18, 2017 10:12 am 
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Wow. Glad to hear you're okay. I was living in Texas too before I left the u.s last month. I know a lot of people who went through hell. Let us know if you need anything


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 18, 2017 1:04 pm 
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Again, thank you all for your kindness & support. There's so many things going on with me that it would be impossible to list them all. At least I'm back to work and that feels good. Still holding well at 4 mg. I don't dare try to taper anymore from here. I'm in a good place with my Sub & don't intend to rock the boat (lol) at this time.

All of the charity's listed sound just wonderful. At least we're all beginning to move forward (as slow as that may be).

It's my favorite time of day when I can sign on here & be with my folks. Thank you all for that & for all that are involved with this terrific website!

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