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PostPosted: Wed Aug 31, 2011 10:56 pm 
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This is a pretty involved sort of 'introduction' post, saying who I am, whats been going on, and where I am. Theres some borderline ranting in there, but it felt good to even write it all out, so if no one reads it, I'll still feel better for having put it down.

I started taking Suboxone about a year ago. I had been messing around enough with heroin, oxy, and really whatever I could get (including suboxone) for a year or so before that, and things escalated with the back to back death of my father and my wife leaving me. It was all I had to keep me going. I was so naive the first time I got hooked that I went on vacation for a week to visit relatives in Texas and took no drugs with me, and wondered why I was in such terrible agony the whole time, unable to sleep, and, to everyone but me, clearly in withdrawal (I honestly didn't realize this until I had come home and used). Anyways, getting home I scored some heroin within hours, and made the decision to get a Suboxone doc. Throughout this all, I have been the only person who cares about/for my daughter, who just turned five years old. Perhaps thats why my habit never got crazy, I always felt I had to be ready for an emergency at a moments notice.

I really feel like I should have walked away without ever going on Suboxone. My habit was bad, but it wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been. I never shot H, usually limited it to 3 bags a day, and would never be over 50mg of oxy/whatever a day. Often it was less than that. I had fucked around just enough to get into trouble, but I should have gone through what would have been a light withdrawal after dealing with it for a week in Texas and learned my lesson. Didn't happen that way. I wanted the suboxone for the boost it gave me. I was/am incredibly depressed, my life has just fallen apart (having nothing to do with the drugs at first) and I thought my only way to keep my head up was be on Suboxone. It's all compounded by the fact that I still am the only person who cares for my wonderful daughter. I hate being moody and miserable because of a lack of chemical, and it can be really hard to keep up with everything with her when going through withdrawal.

So, over the past year, I've been prescribed 16mg/day. I almost never took 16mg/day and would keep building up a bulk supply, thinking one day I would have enough to maintain forever. I first realized that it was all going wrong and I didn't want to live my life this way about 6 months ago. My kid and I had moved in with my mother since the whole my wife leaving me thing and I took the time there to taper down very slowly to .25mg a day. Right at this point, I moved out of my moms and into my own place, and quit the suboxone. It only took about two days for me to be at my wits end, and I begged a friend to help me out, called my doctor and begged him to take me back as a patient (I had simply cancelled my last appointment and never rescheduled, because of the damn money). He did, and I was back in suboxone mode. I really 'abused' it at this point though, and it fueled me doing stupid waste of time stuff with my life. I played video games all day with a strip of suboxone in front of me, peeling little bits off to keep boosting throughout the day. Ugh. I'm kicking myself for doing that now. But, about a month ago, it again became clear that, at the least, this was financially crazy and really not helping anything. I am an addict, but I was never in DEEP with anything but suboxone. Again I began the taper, and things were going well until one night. I got a letter in the mail saying my wife, who was supposed to be paying the mortgage on our house, had not done this and had been pocketing the rent money, and the house was being foreclosed. I put $50,000 dollars down on that house when I was 24, very hard earning that kind of money in a factory, and she just threw it away despite promises of living there almost free and paying the low mortgage. I was red hot mad. I flew to the house to confront her. She was drunk, blamed everything on me, and ended up punching me in the face several times (to which I did nothing as I would be arrested immediately for any aggression as the male). I was holding our daughter the whole time. The police came, gave her a fine (really amazing what a woman gets away with) and I was forced to go to the station with our daughter and give a report in front of her. She was clearly traumatized by the whole thing, I was still fuming, and after the crisis was over, went home and popped a whole strip in my mouth. Through the next week, I ran myself dangerously low on suboxone, started tapering from about an average of 6mg/day to 2mg/day with no discomfort, but had trouble sticking to 2mg/day. I could do several days with 2mg or even 1mg, but then a day would come that was important. Like my daughter's birthday. And I felt like, well, I have to be super-Dad for this day, everything that has happened considered, and would take 4mg or so and fly through the day (took her to the aquarium with one of her friends, they both had a blast).

So anyways, my last week of usage was probably something like 4mg (daughters bday), 1mg, 1mg, 1mg, .5mg, .5mg, .25mg. Then on Sunday, I was out (this is four days ago). I was resolute to take whatever came my way. But it was horror. The really only bad part about it is the sleep. I feel like if I could sleep, I could deal with anything, but I just couldn't sleep for ONE minute in three days. Today, I was completely broken down. I was humming the song "Suicide is Painless" (MASH theme haha) all day, broke down (mad depression, crying) several times (luckily, today was my daughters last day of daycare, so she was not around to witness this), and finally my roommate, who's story is different but uses suboxone pretty much the same way I did, offered to pull me out of it. I deliriously accepted his offer, and he handed me what couldn't have been more than .25mg. I felt better right away, just holding it. I took it, went and picked my daughter up, and was fucking super-dad all over again, we had a hell of a night and I was so happy to just be able to be normal with her, I was dreading breaking down in front of her more than anything. After the past four days of hell, I needed an evening like this one. I really don't know if I would have made it through more days like this, I just kept thinking that I have to be here for my daughter, she has no one else.

So now... I don't know what to do. I still haven't slept a wink in three days, but I know I can sleep tonight since I don't feel in acute withdrawal at all. There is a bit of discomfort, but im so tired and my mind is quiet, I know sleep will come. I see my options as basically:

1) Beg 8mg or so off of roommate and try a slow liquid taper. I think I could start at .25mg every other day or so and see how low I can get before I run out. I really think even .25 may have been too much for today. I'm really trying to not get high, just sleep and feel normal.
2) Roommate, who is almost out, is buying tramadol after seeing what I have gone through and deciding that he doesn't want to go through the same, offered to let me hop on that train with him. Thinking about switching my addiction to that as low as possible (just so much as I can sleep really) and doing my withdrawal from there. Wary of this.
3) Start back on 'cold turkey' tomorrow with a clearer mind and pray that my dose today didn't hit the reset button. I need to find some way to sleep if I do this, it will break me to not sleep another three days in a row.
4) Shrug off the financial ruin and go back on Suboxone any way possible. I like being a good parent, its really all I care about, and I feel that suboxone gives me what I need to be endlessly patient, playful, and selfless to my daughter, who deserves the world. I do want her to have a sober parent. Mine never were and I see how it conditioned me. My daughter's mother sure as hell isn't, so I don't want to raise her to see that drug abuse side of me, but I am fucking pristine with my hiding, and think she can never know. I never knew about my dad until he dropped dead, drunk, on benzos, and on opiates.

I don't know. I have to keep my life together, keep my little girl happy. She starts kindergarten next week. I need to be functional outside of parenting, I'm taking a big risk going to school full-time right now and letting the bills pile up, and a month of withdrawal will probably mean failing all my classes, and going back to a factory. I missed class today, I couldn't see going looking the way I did and breaking down all the time. This is a hole I need to dig out of. And I know tomorrow, I'll be back in withdrawal. So, if anyone has any advice, or encouragement, or really even just bothered reading this whole thing and wants to say 'hey', please do.


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 31, 2011 11:46 pm 
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Hey, wow I read your whole post and while I don't have any advice as far as what to do about the Suboxone and tapering, I just wanted to say that you sound like a really good person and great father trying to do the best you can for which you should give yourself a huge pat on the back. I'm very sorry you are going through such a rough time and you need to keep telling yourself that it's not forever and things will get better! By admitting your mistakes and reaching out for help it sounds like you are really motivated and want to provide your daughter with the best life possible. My only suggestion is are you in any kind of counseling? If not, I think you could really benefit from some individualized therapy and support. I am sure others will come around with some advice as to what you should do about tapering off suboxone. Oh and stay away from the Tramadol!! You don't want to go there as I have read horror stories of people who thought using a little tramadol or another opiate to get off suboxone and they wind up in the vicious cycle of getting addicted and trying to get off it. Good luck and stay strong!


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 01, 2011 12:44 am 
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I am so sorry for your loss, I can't imaginewhat you are going thru. You sound like a great father and you really love your daughter. I really think you should be easier on yourself. Suboxone taken correctly is not something bad. From reading it seems that you feel guilty for being on sub and you shouldn't. Staying clean is hard enough normally but with what you are going thru it must feel near impossible to you. I really think if you chose a dose at the ceiling or a bit above say 4 or 6mg a day and took it consistently everyday at the same time within a week or two you would stabilize and you would stop having these UPS and downs. It is normal to feel your sub until you stabilize and with how much you were jumping around in your dose its possible you never did. Also people report feeling lower doses more as sub acts like a full agonist under the ceiling. In my opinion you just have so much on your plate and I fear if you stay off the sub you might relapse. After acute withdrawls you will likely have paws to deal with and that can last for months. I am a mom of 4 2 boys ages 5 & 3 and 10 month old girls. I am on sub and do not feel bad about it at all. I am doing what's best for my children and me. I think you and your daughter both deserve some consistency. What's so wrong being super dad? So I guess to sum this all up, I feel you should go back to sub and stay at a consistent dose. Please don't feel alone. There are a bunch of caring people here 24/7 and we will be here for you. If you have a question, need to rant or if you just want to bullshit. I will be praying for you and I hope whatever you decide you have a life full of happiness!


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 01, 2011 1:26 am 
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I wanted to add, it is pretty common to mess around with your dose in the beginning and try to get high, we are addicts. The thing is once you stabilize you will not get high (if u even did to begin with). So what we learn is that its just a waste of sub to take extra trying to get that feeling we want so it kind if corrects itself. I forgot that earlier. I wish you a good night!


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 01, 2011 3:52 pm 
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Hi
Im glad your daughter is your motivation. The painful truth is that even with taoering there wiull be WDs. For me I jumoed at bmgs cold--after two years. I had 10-12 days of discomfort--but now--at Day 37--I feel really good. I finally got more pissed at the pill than the pain of WDs--and I rammed my way through. Dude--you are a dad, Me too. I am so glad I fought my way through--in some ways the poain was motivating because I was kicking my body in the butt for being so stupid. Your girl is worth a few days of discomfort. You CAN do this man. Fell free to PM me if you would like. I'll be glad to encourage you along the way. The fact is tapering would NOT work with me--because I woulkd never taper. Its too easy to fall back. So get out on a limb and start sawing--at least that's how I did it. Good luck bro.

brian


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