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PostPosted: Mon Sep 21, 2009 10:41 pm 
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hey guys, just thought i would sign up and introduce myself after reading this board for a few days now. i start treatment tomorrow and hope that its the start of a new chapter in my life. after almost 6 years of being hooked on OC's for no other reason than enjoying the high, i decided to take my life in another direction last week. i had had enough. my spirit, soul, and bank account just cant handle it anymore. plus, after having almost lose my amazing girlfriend over a stupid fight (which i caused due to not having my supply) i realized that this is not where i want to go with my life. i should have never got here in the first place, but i suppose none of us planned to be here.

anyways, i spoke to a nurse today at my local clinic and got all set up for suboxone treatment. we both thought it was my best route to go seeing as my drug plan covers the costs of the treatment. i did my research beforehand and now after as well and while im sure i made the right choice, im a bit nervous. perhaps that has something to do with the fact that im withdrawing right now. i havent gone without OC's in quite sometime but today, even though i had some, i didnt take them because i know deep down that if i do, i wont ever stop. so im excersing my willpower and have been w/d'ing for almost 12 hours now. i've made it through work almost but i know when i get home and i sit down i'll be bored and crave that enjoyable itch i've come to love to scratch. i figure i'll take a warm shower and maybe go walk the dog, anything to take my mind off this awful pain. so thats my story really. my new life starts tomorrow i hope.

much respect

k


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 22, 2009 1:22 am 
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Wow. You are kicking (slang for W/D) and you POSSESS pills? You sir, are a different creature than I. I could never make it through the first 5 hours of withdrawals if I had some. This is just my experience, but if there are there, they will eventually get eaten. Flush em, its hard I know, but it may be the only way. If you cave and have that in your system that morning when you get started on Suboxone, you will feel the worst withdrawals ever, commonly referred to as "precipitated withdrawals".

Flush em, don't think about it, you can't trust your head right now, don't think about it, just do it and do it quick. You need to be kicking to start suboxone. Starting it will be a good thing. My life is completely changed since I started suboxone 7 months ago.

I'm here if you need help man.

Rationale

PS, I LOVE your screen name.


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 22, 2009 4:11 pm 
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well, i just got my first dose of the subs. but first thanks for your response rationale, appreciate the support and yeah, my name is pretty good eh? lol anyways, i just flushed the pill i had left, said my goodbyes and fuck yous and down it went. goodbye for good you piece of shit. im going to copy what i wrote down in my journal, something i started when i began my journey to where i am currently. i want to be able to look back on it in time and see my progress, maybe post it on erowid or here just for other peoples use.

fuck, what a night that was. the sleeping pills didnt even help me whatsoever, my legs just wouldnt settle down. i ached so bad. i couldnt get comfortable, i would move from the bed to the couch and then to the floor. it was awful. i maybe got 3 hours of sleep total, the whole night is just a blur. but i made it. anyways i just back back from the clinic and am now on the way to recovery. the doctor i saw was so amazing, she was compasionate, understanding and only wants the best for me. she belives in me and i know that i can do this with her help. i took 2 2mg pills of suboxone at 1:45 or so and was told to come back in an hour. i went out for a smoke and called amanada and right away i knew she knew. i dont know if she saw me downtown or just knew what was up, shes a really perceptive and smart girl and she can see through my lies, she always has. so i came clean with her and she was pissed off. i dont blame her in the least however and i told her im a sick person who needs help and along with the counselling and the suboxone i will become a better person. i told her that things will be different from now on and they will be. i just hope that she will stand by me now in my time of need. shes done it for so long and all i've ever done is hurt her and push her away when really i needed to listen to her and get help. but i didnt until the whole fight went down and i realizied that im really sick and i need help now or never. so understandable amanda is really upset and i dont blame her. i also called my mom and told her everything and she was glad to know that im getting help. she knew i had a problem but we arent an open family and she didnt feel like she could talk about it. and now i want that to change, i want to be an open person with everyone and everything. right now i feel pretty good, a little achy in the legs and a bit "off" feeling, pretty hungry actually. anyways, i took the day off work so im going to just relax and rest today and then tomorrow i take 6mg as soon as i get there and i'll be off to work for the day. this is the first day of my new life. i will do this

anyways, so right now im feeling pretty good, not 100% but no where near as bad as i felt a few hours ago. be well everyone and feel free to share and offer support, not just for myself but others who may be lurking.

much respect

k


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 22, 2009 4:22 pm 
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Glad to hear you are feeling better, but you honestly may need a bit more if you are still feeling it in your legs.


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 22, 2009 5:18 pm 
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oh absolutely, im not stabilized yet so i understand that the w/d's arent completely gone. i see the doc again on thursday and she said more than likely she will up my dose to 8mg's. but so far i feel ok, my hunger is back and its nice to get some food into me. just relaxing right now, watching tv and playing some games, just trying to keep my mind busy.


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 22, 2009 9:24 pm 
Congrats Think! You have taken the first step toward your goal and that's a big step! I remember my first few days on Suboxone. I just remember feeling so relieved that I could feel "normal" again after so many years of abusing opiates! May I ask - is your girlfriend supportive of your choice to start Suboxone? You mentioned something in your journal entry about her being upset. If she's not an addict, it will be difficult for her to understand why you need another drug to get you off drugs. I know I went through that with my husband. When I first started Sub, he seemed okay with it, then after a couple weeks, he had this weird delayed reaction kind of thing. He was so mad at me! I don't know if he had suppressed a lot of anger from the past when I was using or what, but it nearly broke us! He was angry that I couldn't just get off the drugs, angry at the cost of treatment, etc. Oddly enough, he has his own drug/alcohol history as well! But he was able to get into recovery without medication assistance, so I think he thought I should be able to do the same. However, he was never addicted to opiates. He has now come to realize that opiate addiction is a different animal. And he can see the difference that Suboxone has made. Thankfully, he now seems to be supportive of my decision and things are slowly returning to a new normal.
Bottom line, though, this has to be a decision we make for ourselves. The dynamics of your relationship with your girlfriend are going to be changing as you progress in your recovery. You'll have to be determined to stay clean for yourself primarily and then all of your close relationships should fall into place. You will need additional treatment and I think I read that you're planning to get into some counseling or group or something. That is great! Give yourself some time to adjust and figure out what your ideal dose will be. I'm glad you have found a caring doctor too!


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 22, 2009 10:27 pm 
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awww setmefree, thanks for the thoughtful reply. my girlfriend knew about my drug addiction but i had tried to hide from her the best i could. when i told her what i was doing she wasnt surprised but she was upset because she doesnt understand the level of my addiction. even though its the first day of recovery, i've tried my best to apologize and explain why i did what i did, as the clarity comes back to me i realize more and more how badly i've hurt her and those around me. it will take me a long time to earn her trust and respect again and thats something i will do because i love her deeply. as for therapy, im speaking to someone about my issues which includes childhood abuse and just a low self esteem which in turn has probably led me down this road of addiction. i also come from a background where addiction is commonplace so i do believe that i was genetically predisposed to this outcome.

anyways, im starting to feel a bit rougher, legs are bothering me and i just dont feel completely with it. but that could also be due to the lack of sleep last night. anyways, in 12 hours i'll be back in to get my next dose and if i can handle 26 hours of pretty bad w/d's, this is nothing.

be well everyone

k


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 23, 2009 2:50 am 
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seeking therapy is wise, and you acknowledge past issues that may contribute. Nice work, it took me months of therapy before I would own to anything besides "I liked the way it made me feel, I don't have any issues"... RIIIIIIIGHT.

The trust thing is tricky. I try to think objectively, though my experience thus far in life with "trust lost, hoped to be regained" have yielded extremely pessimistic results. I currently believe that once trust is broken, it cannot again be restored fully. I am still married (by a thread), and she says that she "trusts me" but the lip service cannot hide the truth. Eventually I think our relationship will unravel because the lies I told (about spending $150k + yearly on pills, and hiding my use for the first 5 years) showed a character side that was previously not known, and while that was during active addiction, I am sure the question lingers "do I know the WHOLE story, what's been left out?" She did not even think I had the capacity to pull off stuff like this. Well there you go.

Your story hopefully will be different, but like my case above, and many others I have observed, even with education (on addiction) the chances of full trust recovery are slim, and most significant others do not embrace education.

Keep up the NOT using short acting opiates! (or methadone)

Rationale


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 23, 2009 6:32 pm 
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well here i am 56 hours of being sober from OC and i couldnt be more confident and happier with my choice. last night i started feeling pretty rough, just achy and run down but i figured a part of that was due to my lack of sleep the night before while in full w/d. and sure enough that was part of it, woke up this morning and had a spring in my step when i got out of bed rather than dragging myself out to get my fix. went to the clinic and got my 6mg's, took 4 there and was given a 2mg to take with me for when i felt it was needed. just took that right now as im starting to feel a bit achy but really, i have nothing whatsoever to complain about. i see the doc tomorrow and will more than likely go up to 8mg's and i have a feeling that thats where i need to be to feel 100%. anyways just thought i'd give an update. if anyone whos reading this is thinking about going into suboxone treatment, do it! you'll feel like hell at first but in no time you'll be on the road to recovery. godbless this little odd tasting pill.

much respect

k


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 23, 2009 7:28 pm 
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Nice job, and don't give up on it. I find it strange that you are feeling withdrawals symptoms at all. I was in withdrawals when I took my first dose and withing 30-60 minutes was feeling normal. No withdrawals, energy was up a bit, but I figured that relative to being down, that may happen.

The thing for me about suboxone right now, is that I do not associate my dose with a feeling. I take it every moring at the same time. It doesn't make me feel "up" and if I miss (honestly have forgotten more than once) I don't begin to feel anything. I think this is where we (I, me) want to be. Not taking pills and loving it, not feeling anything. Going about my day without thinking about anything. Honestly using or drugs very RARELY cross my mind now. I hope you find what youre looking for.

I don't see anywhere what amount of OC you were using daily, and (I feel this is MORE important than daily) how much you would use per dose, and how often did you dose?

I used anywhere from 40-80mg immidiate release per dose, once to three times per day depending on supply.


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 24, 2009 1:47 pm 
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went up to 8mg's today and i feel great, we will see how the day goes but i really think that this is exactly the dose i need to be at. life is looking really good right now, everything is amazing again.


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 Post subject: HI Think/pray
PostPosted: Mon Sep 28, 2009 11:55 am 
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I read your post. It is the 28 of Sept now. How are you doing?
I am trying to reach out to people that need support. I just started on the site again - yesterday.
I hope things are still doing better. As far as the girl friend stuff, If you want I can tell you my experiences w/ relationships and addiction, being in the normal "work force/professional" and being in the world of drrruuuugggs. But it is a very difficult place to be.
You will probably hear this from a lot of people. It is hard. Very hard to accept. But here it goes:
I know you love your girlfriend. I was married, and for me the thought of losing her was ...unimaginable.
Having said that- what is most important- is that you get better for you, not her. Even if she does not support your recovery.
Remember, in the end, you are all you have- you and friends. Friends in recovery will be there for you. If you have any spiritual bent, or not just thing that ..you really are not alone. There is a sort of collective consciousness (to borrow from Jung) and to appeal to it through praying or meditating helps. It has for me. But the common struggle that we have as addicts helps like nothing else. It is testemony that there is a way out.
I hope you are hanging in there. I hope that things work out w/ your girlfriend. Dont hesitate to PM me if things get rough with your relationship and I can maybe help.

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 23, 2009 6:29 pm 
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hey everyone, just thought i'd post an update seeing as its been just over a month since my induction into a suboxone program. i really cannot believe its been so long, perhaps because now my days arent spent in a drug induced haze that life seems to fly by faster as im busy doing things and concentrating on the important things in this mortal coil. if you had of told me the day before i started treatment that in only a matter of a week or so that i would be back to feeling normal thanks to this tiny odd tasting little pill, i would have had a tough time believing it! however, thats exactly what happened. over the course of the weeks i've stabilized on 20mg's a day, taken once a day in the morning. now, i know 20mg may be a bit high but more on that in a second.

i really cant stress how amazing i feel, hell not even amazing, just normal. i was worried for awhile that i would never be the way i used to be but slowly, each and every day, a piece of me is coming back slowly but surely. during the first 2 weeks i would feel great after dosing but as the day wore on i would feel achy and tired. so my dose slowly increased until i felt normal for a 24 hour period. not once however did i ever think about going back to the OC's and now i dont even think about them in any shape or form. still though around 8pm every night i start to feel a bit blah but as the doc explained to me its purely mental because before i would just take a pill to dull the pain of a normal day's work but now i dont have that option and its going to take some getting used to the normal day to day grind. she suggested to take a pill, anything, around the time i feel rough as to sort of trick my brain which is what i've started doing. what pill you ask? a daily multi-vitamin :) anyways, as i've been reading the board lately (not posting, just observing) i've seen that the good doc and others here have stated that 16mg is more than enough to get through the day. so next week i think i will drop 2 mg's and go to 18mg's, then another 2mg's the next week if all goes well and stay at 16mg for awhile longer.

thanks to everyone for their comments and kind words, this place is truly an invaluable resource and i wish all of you the best in everything you do

much respect

k


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 24, 2009 1:51 pm 
I'm so glad you're feeling well and glad you took the time to post an update for us! As far as your dose - don't sweat it too much. Everyone is different and only you know what's best for you. Seems like the first month or so on Suboxone is really a time to just settle in - get used to feeling normal and being off the rollercoaster ride of the highs and lows of short acting opiates. And begin to lose the constant obsessive worry of going into withdrawals. Whatever dose is takes to achieve that goal should be okay. Then after a bit, we seem to come to realize and accept that this stuff really works and start to think about dropping the dose down some. I don't think you'll notice a bit of difference as you come down by 4 to 8mg/day. I only had just a little bit of runny nose and mild leg achiness/restlessness when I went from 8mg/day down to 4mg/day a couple weeks or so ago. But I've been on Sub for 3 1/2 months. I think you'll know when it's time to begin to decrease your dose. I think it can't be said enough that we're all different and what works for some may not work for others. We just have to figure out what works best to keep us stable and making progress in recovery. This little funny-tasting pill is amazing!!
Keep us updated!


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 27, 2010 10:54 am 
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hey guys, well its been just over 5 months sober and i dont know why i never did this sooner. life is falling back into place perfectly with everything and everyone. im getting over a lot of my issues that led me to my abuse through therapy and really have found my groove in this world. im still on 20mg's but plan on dropping down soon as my doctor and i have formed a plan together. i've gotten up to 4 carries and only have to see the doctor once a month now and leave a sample twice a month. im so lucky that my insurance covers every cent because i think it would be a bit tougher paying out of pocket and i see that happen every day to other sub patients. in fact yesterday the pharmacy was refusing to give a patient her dose as their tab had hit a maximum so i asked how much it was, $85 and paid it for the girl. she couldnt believe her luck and was adament that i didnt have to do that but i thought theres no way im going to let this girl fall off the wagon and so i helped her out.

anyways, just thought i'd give an update. i dont post much anymore but i visit on a daily basis and i just want to thank everyone for the positive replies and vibes they sent. thanks again

respect

kevin


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 27, 2010 1:01 pm 
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It is interesting to read through your thread and see how far you have come. It seems to me that dropping a sample twice per month is a lot. My doc only ever did it 8x per year +/-. I am curious if your girlfriend stayed with you or not if you don't mind sharing. I am wondering if she ever came around.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 27, 2010 2:00 pm 
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I'm so glad to hear you're doing well. That's wonderful! Have things leveled out with your spouse? I've been on subs for over a year and it took my husband and I starting therapy in October before our issues (including the addiction) finally starting getting worked out.

And what a wonderful thing you did for that woman at the pharmacy. You obviously know what a slippery slope recovery can be and you offered some solid ground to a complete stranger. Such empathy! Good for you.

Take care and thanks for letting us know how you're doing.

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PostPosted: Sat Feb 27, 2010 5:39 pm 
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Hey Thinkdontprey, after reading through your previous posts I had to say how both touched and impressed I am with you for sacrificing your money for the greater good of our fellow addicts :) We obviously suffered many times more pain and desparity when compared to "normies" but I really think I've seen some very positive things that result from our disease and the ignorant discrimination we have to endure. Your willingness to chip in and help another addict is by far one of the best examples of something good coming from something bad. It's almost like we share the same bond that many war veterans are familiar with. I guess it just makes me feel so much better knowing even if the rest of the world decides to continue judging people like us, there are other addicts out there who know EXACTLY what we've been through and sincerely hope for things to get better for us. Anywho didn't mean to write a book just wanted to say congrats on your success Thinkdontprey and I would personally like to thank you for helping another one of "our" people :)

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 01, 2010 6:49 pm 
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in regards to the urine samples, the clinic requires all patients whether subs or methadone to submit samples twice a week for the first few months, then once a week, one a month and then one every couple of months depending on your progress. they keep a close eye on us all to ensure we're taking our doses and not taking anything we shouldnt be. if you test positive for something then you will lose privledges and after 3 strikes you're out of the program. they dont mess around which i respect and have no issues with since i have nothing to hide.

as for my girlfriend, we're still together and getting stronger and better by the day. shes accepted my treatment and is very supportive but obviously after my neglectful behaviour and lying for the year i was with her i understand that it will take awhile for the trust to be build back up.

also, because i feel so lucky to have the coverage and not have to pay for my subs (we also dont have to pay for doctor appt's) that i was willing to help this person out because ive had the opportunity to build up my funds again. so paying her bill was the least i could do for a fellow addict and im sure she will pay it forward. its things like that which make the world a much better place for us all. i couldnt stand there and watch this girl denied her meds just because she was short on money. money is just something we have in case my dont die tommorow, thats it. nothing more than numbers printed on paper.

kev


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 02, 2010 8:19 am 
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Kevin, what a lovely thing you did for that girl. I'm new here but just wanted to comment on that, and say that it's great to see how well things are going for you. Bravo!


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