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PostPosted: Mon Sep 26, 2011 1:09 pm 
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Hi Everyone,
Thanks for taking the time to read if anyone does.
I am going to beg everyone to be honest with me because I am so vulnerable at this moment.
I AM TERRIFIED. Below my little intro is a summation of my history of opiate use and suboxone. I just recently- as in 2 hours ago- went back on suboxone after having been off for a year. I had previously been on suboxone for 4 years.
INTRO-
I relapsed early this summer. Went off and on Heroin or oxy since June.
i stayed clean for a month until recently relapsing again. Dangerous relapsing- ghetto, needles, almost a death wish.
I went through 24 without heroin and just took my first dose of suboxone a couple of hours ago. I actually feel better...
but because of my history with suboxone....And I am by no means here to stir controversy etc. Obviously I decided to go back on. Things have been coming undone. I am responsible for so many things. I am so scared that I am not going to be able to deal with them.
The fact that I actually feel better at this moment-considering that major w/d was coming on and I was in hell 3hrs ago- is both good and scary because I am afraid suboxone going to turn on me again. I do not like the idea of having to take an opiate/partial agonist the rest of my life- but my life has become so horrible and scary- and mostly- I have people that depend on me and I feel like such a failure, a piece of garbage, that I have put so many things at risk. I could have been arrested, I could have OD'd etc etc. And now I am back on suboxone.
I feel like a failure.
This does not mean that I think others that take sub are failures- I am hard on myself, and I also managed to get off after 4yrs and that is unusual, and things were going well considering where I had been. I do not look down on anyone that takes suboxone, or methadone for that matter, nor do I look down on someone that OD's. Opiate addiction is terminal- horrible.

Sorry if I am all over the place- but here is what I am scared of and wondering...
So, is my treatment with suboxone going to be different this time? or am I going to start feeling weird and ultimately sick?
Maybe I have not followed a stable course of prescription when I used Sub for 4 years before. I DONT KNOW! Will I be able to come off at some point- or is this it?

I am here because I need help from the people here- but genuine help. Please if you are some promotional company suboxone type- pick someone else to play with- I need help from people who know the truth of the matter.
Suboxone for people like me, junkies like me- is harm reduction. It is a powerful opiate- though a partial agonist. It is a difficult choice- So people that can be honest and help me...please give me some advice, support. I may be able to stablize on sub. I pray that I can and if suboxone helps then so be it. But anyone reading this- I need some sort of guidance- but truth as well.

Background info-

If you are interested below is a quick review of my opiate history. Otherwise I do not care if no one reads it- it is just to give you an idea that I am very familiar w/ opi addiction and am very familiar with the pros and cons of suboxone.
It is not a free ticket- but I admit that I have seen it help some, .....and not help others.
I am a mess, a total absolute mess- and I have a bunch of things that I should be taking care of and have not and I am so scared. PLEASE just some support and advice....
Thanks.

Brief history- I first became addicted to opiates when I was 25 in 1985. It was in france and an over the counter
type of codeine similar to hydrocodone. I got off about 9 months on. I was never the same after that. I could no longer just take a drink, or simply take an opiate for fun, once. I would immediately go on a run for a few weeks I did use stronger opiates on several occasions- mainly Heroin. I somehow never used anything more than a month..and would go through the w/d- I had a family and the threat of losing this was motivation enough to go through the brutal w/d w/ heroin.
Through meetings and other recovery stuff, I managed to remain off of opiates for the most part. from 1996-2006 I was opiate free- completely- no suboxone, methadone, nothing. I had a couple of drinking slips, but no opiates. I was divorced in 2001...and did not use anything... I really latched on to recovery. My best years were from 01 to 06.
In 2006 everything came undone. I wont go into the details- I moved back to Miami, I was remarried, I had been a successful single father up to that point- 2 girls that in 2006 were 15 and 17- I had raised them since the divorce in 2001. The new marriage involved immigration from France. My mother became very ill and incapacitated- I have a house with an apt that my mother lives in. I ended up finding and taking perc-5 mg- which is like nothing in retrospect. I would go on then off. Had to go through minor w/d a few times. I was so unstable though. b/c of my job I had to do something and could not go to a treatment center. I learned about Suboxone. I went on in August 2006. Initially it seemed great, but very soon after I found that I lost interest or was even reluctant to do anything in the ocean- which was my refuge- I loved the ocean. After 6 months I tried to stop. I tried over and over to stop and could not.
To make a long story short- whether it is other emotional problems, or that I may have misused the suboxone by trying to stop whatever- I ended up extremely depressed and sick in 2010 after repeated attempts to stop. I was not on high doses either- never more than 6 mg and usually at around 4 per day. I was, however- often not stable with the dose- sometimes I would take 8mg at once, and it would usually make me feel lousy- paradoxically- it seemed the lower I got, the better I felt- this was until I began to feel ill in 2010. Call it a miracle, call it stupid, whatever you want- I somehow managed to stop in September of last year. The acute was not horrible, but the paws, just lasted and lasted. Miserable. And it was not from previous opiate use- as I said- I simply abused perc 5s for a few moths- and that was on and off. I have done this before and not had long term withdrawal in the past. In the early 90's I once had a relapse and used far more percs and did the on and off and finally stopped and went through accute and paws was only for about a month.
Anyway....back to being off of suboxone... I did get better, but my mind did not work well. I could concentrate on certain things but not at all on others. I had stopped working. I did manage to begin sailing again, and at 6 months I was physically feeling much better. I was going to meetings- but have always had a problem with AA- just feeling uncomfortable, not quite fitting in. I often felt guilty because of this. I still had poor coping skills.
At 9 months, just last June, I had a brutal slip- part of it was because I still was not feeling all that great, and also part of it was because of a stupid relationship- one that had only lasted for a month.... I went straight to Heroin. This was at the beginning of this summer. I managed to stop, and stayed off for a month. I went back on and then off and stayed off for 2 weeks.

Just recently- and I am emotionally spent, and crying as I write- I went back on again. I finally caved and found a rather disreputable suboxone doc who will write the script without making you go through induction in her office.
I used my last dose of Heroin yesterday morning. Went into w/d during the night, and managed to wait until about 2 hours ago- about a total of 24 hrs before I took the suboxone. Now a film.... I took a total of 10 mg.... and did not think I would feel better.... but.. I do. The withdrawal is gone, and my mood has lifted because of the partial opiate effect.
I AM TERRIFIED. Just read the top and that is where I am.


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 26, 2011 3:31 pm 
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I'm sorry you're so terrified right now and I can understand it. You've been through hell and you don't know what's to be expected in the future. But hear this: You don't have to decide right now how long you'll need to be on suboxone. No one is saying you need it for the rest of your life. Plenty of people have gotten off it successfully - many of them are still on this forum. (I'm sure they'll pop in here to greet you.)

Just take it day by day right now. Let yourself stabilize and start to learn to live without the H again. One thing at a time. It's like learning to walk again. And you're trying to run right away. Just take one step at a time.

Hang in there. We'll do what we can to help you out. It's what we're here for. Oh and congrats to you for recognizing that you had to stop things and getting back on suboxone. I know it was a tough decision for you.

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 Post subject: thanks Hat
PostPosted: Mon Sep 26, 2011 4:01 pm 
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Thanks Hatmaker,
I appreciate the reassurance. My daughters are quite disappointed about the last few months, and now are
both very sad about going back on sub, but also relieved since they learned at what point I was putting my life
at risk. I have not been able to work for a year and a half. I invest and am able to make a bit of a living, but
I am not living in society. I am so frightened by everything it seems. 5 years ago, I was working, had a rich spiritual life,
flew to France frequently to visit relatives, and most of all did all sorts of stuff outdoors and in the ocean.
Now? I am serious- what have I done to myself? How do I recover anything? I feel like I have gone crazy.
My intellect is not a problem- I have a huge set of life experiences and education- but right now- just filing papers
in a filing cabinet seems overwhelming. I am very scared. Isolating has caused most of this.
Feeling sorry for myself- I admit, have no problem admitting that I have brought this all on myself. I just do not know how to get out. I do not have health insurance, but also I have been to so many 'treatement' centers its all the same- they get you through detox and teach you how to go to AA/NA. Which is good advice- but I feel like I am going crazy. Panic. Paralysis.
This is like some very bad dream, and I dont wake up.
My only answer right now is to pray. Pray with all my heart and soul- there has to be some reason I am not dead.


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 26, 2011 5:21 pm 
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I am sorry you are going through this. I am pretty new to all of this but one thing I feel very strongly about. There is no shame in having to be on a maintanence drug. You just started back on your journey, give yourself some time and most of all be kind to yourself. Give yourself the empathy you would give to any of us, You are not alone.

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PostPosted: Mon Sep 26, 2011 7:04 pm 
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I too am very sorry that you are going thru this. I second what hat and kitty said. I know you are in despair and feel like all hope is lost but it isn't. Just because you did not feel well on sub last time doesn't mean you will this time. I also wonder if you have had any counseling or therapy? Have you tried an anti-depressant? A lot of us are on them, I take Lexapro. Depression is quite common in opiate addicts. Like Hat said just take it one day at a time and we are here to listen and support you in anyway we can.


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