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PostPosted: Wed May 12, 2010 5:48 pm 
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I have been abusing prescription drugs for a little over two years. What started off as casually taking vicodin and percocets for fun, quickly spiraled into an out-of-control oxy addiction. I have been doing at least 140 mg of oxys on and off for a year, with my last relapse lasting about 4 months. I know that this doesn't seem that long, but it has taken a huge toll on my mental, emotional and physical state. I recently realized that it was necessary for me to join an outpatient suboxone treatment to help me win this battle, and my induction begins tomorrow. I am very nervous because my last oxy was on Saturday at 10PM so much of my physical withdrawals are lessening. Instead I am left with an overwhelming, unbearable amount of depression (I am usually known to be the "cheery" one in a group), muscle aches, constipation and just a feeling of overall helplessness. I am wondering if after all of this time getting off oxys if I should even enter treatment, or since "the worst is over" in regards to my withdrawal, if I should just keep on trucking cold turkey.

The woman at the clinic I am seeing is extremely nice, and just spent the last hour on the phone with me trying to help talk me out of changing my mind about going. I am definitely seeing a change in my work habits, relationships, and school with this addiction. I feel as though I will never find happiness again, or experience "fun" now that my oxys are out of my life. At the same time I feel as though I haven't been addicted too long and maybe I am being dramatic and just need to figure it out for myself.

I am very nervous, as this is a 6 month program, and I don't want to become addicted to Suboxone as well. I know I should go deep down, as the program requires counseling, AA meetings etc., and I feel as though there must be some sort of deficit in my life if I need to rely on oxycontin to make me happy, social and feel like I am "normal." However, I am still apprehensive, terrified, and embarrassed. I am still not certain that this is completely necessary, although those close to me (my boyfriend and best friend) find it to be imperative. has anyone else gotten cold feet before induction? any advice? do you think that it is in my best interest to attend? thanks so much.


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PostPosted: Wed May 12, 2010 7:01 pm 
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Hi keke and welcome!

It's understandable that you're nervous about your induction. With regard to foregoing suboxone treatment, I have a question to ask you. What's changed since your last relapse? Even if you can make it through the physical withdrawals, will you still have cravings and triggers to battle? Only you can answer those questions, but I think they're important to consider.
As for getting addicted to suboxone, it's more accurately a dependence on a medication. When the time comes to get off it, yes, you'll need to taper off. But remember that addiction is so insidious because of our behaviors - doing anything and everything to get our drugs. Suboxone is an excellent tool to help assist us in our recovery. It alone won't cure your addiction. It won't make you high. What it will do is reduce if not remove your cravings and give you time to learn to deal with life without taking pills. Time to learn new coping skills, time to learn to deal with triggers.

Keep in mind I'm not a doctor or a medical professional, just an informed, recovering addict. I hope this helps to give you a little perspective. If you have additional specific questions, just ask.

Let us know how you're doing and what you decide. Again, welcome to the forum.

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 Post subject: Thank You
PostPosted: Wed May 12, 2010 8:40 pm 
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Thank you for all of your support, as well as helping me analyze as to why I relapsed in the first place, which definitely was not solely because of the physical withdrawals. I am addicted to the way oxys make me feel, which will inevitably lead to my relapse again if I don't seek treatment.

I went to a meeting tonight as well, and feel much more confident about my decision to start my induction tomorrow. I am beginning to realize that my relationship was that of an addiction, as I was addicted to the way the oxys made me feel, versus being dependent on them to help me with pain, etc.

I look forward to starting treatment, although I am still absolutely terrified. The only people that know that I am going through this right now are my boyfriend and my best friend, and although they are helpful, I still feel very isolated and depressed. This forum, as well as the support I am receiving from the meetings, is helping me solidify that this is the right decision.

I will keep everyone updated as to how my induction goes, and hopefully this will be the beginning to a beautiful path of sobriety for myself. Thank you again.


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PostPosted: Wed May 12, 2010 9:34 pm 
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Welcome to the forum! I am glad you felt comfortable enough posting and letting us know how you were feeling. I think you are VERY smart to be concerned about a replacement therapy. You definitely want to make an informed decision and weigh your options. I also think that for whatever reason, even the shortest durations of opiate addiction seem to have the longest impacts and once addicted, it doesn't really matter how long you were addicted. It seems to change things forever. Like you said, you didn't relapse because of the physical withdrawal, but rather what comes after. You will still have that with suboxone when/if you decide to get off of it to some extent, but you can taper very slowly and eliminate most of it. That is something you cannot do with full agonist opiates.

You really don't get "addicted" to suboxone. You will be dependent. Minus the addiction part, you DO get to get your life back and you DO get to enjoy life and see the light in life again. In my experience, this is the only thing that gives me a life and without it, the quality of my life is so far reduced. Personally, I am happy with my decision. I have gone off suboxone and chose to get back on suboxone after a few months of being off. Life is a lot easier when you don't throw "addiction" into the mix. Things are complicated enough as it is. So in my opinion, what's done is done. I can't go back and erase it. This is one of my only options for dealing with it effectively. I embrace it.

It is a big decision to make. I am sure you will make the right decision for you.

Take care! Best Wishes! I hope you will let us know how things go. This forum can be a life saver when things get tough.

Cherie


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 Post subject: Today is a new day!!
PostPosted: Thu May 13, 2010 1:56 pm 
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Thank you everyone for all of your support!! I almost backed out last minute this morning, I even left the clinic ready to leave, but the clinicians there convinced me to stay, thank God. My induction went great once I calmed down and got the process started. They started me off on 2 8mg suboxones and for the first time in a LONG time, I finally am starting to feel like myself again :) I feel so blessed. The program I am in also requires mandatory counseling, so I will be able to see a therapist to talk about my addiction and try to get to the "root" of the problem. I also attended an AA meeting ( I have had bad experiences with NA in the past and prefer AA) yesterday, and plan on attending another tonight. I was curious as to whether or not my peers at AA will consider me sober even though I am on a suboxone treatment? I have heard horror stories about people getting their pins taken away once it was made clear they were on suboxone because they weren't "really" sober. Do you think this will be a problem?

Today is a new day. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and most importantly, I'm ALIVE and off of these evil oxys. I thank God and all of my friends at this forum. Words can't adequately express how thankful I truly am. You are all a Godsend. From the bottom of my heart, thank you and God bless.


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PostPosted: Thu May 13, 2010 2:47 pm 
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Hey Keke I just wanted to reiterate what the others have said about Suboxone not being addicting. After the first couple of days taking Suboxone (taking it correctly which is important) I felt normal for the first time since I started using. Taking anything more than what I was prescribed did nothing. After dosing I felt the same, I was able to actually enjoy a conversation with a friend, wake up in the morning and be excited about things, look forward to hanging out with my friends, etc. I could smile without faking it. It was also so wonderful feeling the freedom of not wanting to use. I went a little over 4 months cold turkey from misusing opiates for several years and I kept waiting to feel "normal" but I never got there. I'm so happy for you and hearing how well you're doing reminds me of when I first started Suboxone I would literally cry I was so thankful to be free of the misery of always trying to figure out where my next high would come from. Addiction was absolutely miserable (as I'm sure everyone here has shared my experience). My favorite part was being able to sleep well for the first time in months and then waking up in the morning and getting out of bed feeling well rested and happy without having to take anything. I still remember thinking "why in the hell didn't I get on Suboxone sooner?" As for your question about AA it's been my experience that alot of people in both NA and AA have problems with people taking Suboxone. I just kept the medications I took to myself as I didn't think it was anyone else's buisness. I was originally a hardcore 12-step book thumper but over my clean time (yes I do consider being on Suboxone or other maintenance meds as clean time!) I've moved very sharply to a more harm reduction approach. After seeing people die from our disease I decided whatever can help someone stop abusing opiates is a wonderful thing. I always wanted to think I was special and I wouldn't OD because I wasn't that dumb but I've read plenty of stories of M.D.s ODing. Opiate addiction is just bad news bears and I'm willing to argue with anyone who has a problem with maintenance meds because the facts and the vast majority of opiate addict survivors are on my side. If I were you and you wish to continue going to AA or NA meetings I'd just keep the fact that I'm on Suboxone to myself because I know I'm "clean" and I no longer need to have someone else decide.

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PostPosted: Thu May 13, 2010 3:00 pm 
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Hey keke if you scroll through the list here you'll find my post from a few days ago with almost the exact same title lol so yep being nervous and having second thoughts is normal. It's the fear of the unknown and it's natural to be apprehensive. For me I realized I didn't have much of a choice left. I couldn't go on with oxy as I was slowly killing myself and not to mention in financial ruin because of my ever increasing intake of pills. I had tried cold turkey twice and relapsed a month in both times this past year after PAWS came around to kick my ass hard.

I went in fully expecting to go on sub Tuesday and my doc through me for a loop. Because I am a pain patient and an addict he felt strongly that I start methadone instead. I was VERY upset and how I managed to not punch him is a miracle. lol. But having no real other options at the moment I started it yesterday and although still feel duped by him I gotta say my say that I'm doing ok on it. For the first time in a loooooong time I woke up and did not start my day snorting an oxy and I have been feeling pretty good today even though I'm still in the adjustment phase. I am a real chronic when it comes to my oxys and by now I would have snorted at least 3 pills. Actually I would be out right now running around to buy some because I always ran out on Thursday and would spend at least 100 dollars on pills to make it through til script day on Monday. No more. :) I strongly suggest you go in for that induction, whether it be sub, methadone - whatever works to put our disease in remission and get our lives back and stop killing ourselves it's sooo worth it!!! You won't be sorry. But if you don't go we all know how it goes, do pills, run out, go buy more, dig ourselves in deeper - the vicious cycle of active addiction. By doing this you have a chance to get your life back. I'd take that chance and run with it. Wish you all the best and you'll do great!! Now go relax and think of all the great stuff you'll buy with the money your gonna save not having to feed your beast. ;)


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PostPosted: Thu May 13, 2010 3:25 pm 
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Regarding AA meetings. You don't need to disclose that your on sub. The way I look at it I liken sub, etc to a medication taken for a chronic medical condition. And your medication is your business. There are a lot of people in NA etc who are on sub, methadone etc and some disclose that fact but my feeling is most keep it to themselves because of the ignorance of a few hard liners who really don't understand addiction and would likely hold it against them. I think those hard liners are the most toxic type of people as they can and do drive people out of recovery throwing guilt trips on them and these people can and do end up dead from overdose. Don't worry about telling anyone if you don't want to. Your free of those evil pills and thats whats really important. Congrats!! Feels pretty damn good doesn't it? :)


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PostPosted: Fri May 14, 2010 8:35 am 
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I attended both AA and NA meetings for decades, both in prison and on the street. At one point, I was able to stay clean for almost a year in AA, but I had to go to two, sometimes three meetings a day, and there's just no way I could do something like that now, with my work schedule (I average about 70 hours per week at work)

Now, this is just ONE person's opinion, but I would keep the fact that I was on suboxone to myself. You WILL face judgmental people because of it, and that's just human nature and the nature of the social structure of AA and most twelve step programs, because let's face it, the pillar of those programs is complete abstinence from all substances, and the fact is, when you are taking suboxone, you are not completely substance free in THEIR EYES.

So yeah, I'd keep that under my hat if I were you.


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