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 Post subject: How often is too often?
PostPosted: Sat Aug 25, 2012 11:25 am 
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I've only been on suboxone for 6 months so far, and already I've had a number of withdrawals, when I say withdrawals I mean only single instances off taking something when the pressure became too much, I don't go back to a habit but I fall for one or two days. In the first 2 months of starting subuxone I had 3 times when I took benzoes and sleeping pills (zolpidem). Then I was "clean" only taking what I was prescribed, then for a period some months later after a sugery and some other stuff I started drinking alcohol, this was also only single occations I never did this like seveal days in a row, but it's against the rules of my programme to take any drug while on the suboxone treatement and if I repeat it too often they will terminate the treatment. Then I had some months of being clean again but this last month I started taking codeine pills and smoking raw opium out of desperation, I have no good reason. I feel like such a loser, I don't know why I do it, except to feel less horrible. I always tell them when I have taken something, and they would find out anyway because they take unannounced urine tests about twice a week. When I took the codeine the second time my doctor cut off my subuxone for 3 days. I was then put on a slightly higher dose (from 5 mg to 6mg) but I don't think it really was a dose issue or cravings issue but a psychological one. Now I've taken codeine again and a mild benzo. Should I just call it quits and give up, it seems I have no way of making this work. I am a compelte mess I only work 3 days a week my home is messy and sometimes i don't take showers for a week even thought its summer. I am turning 30 in a month, I will need to get a new job then and no body will want me. I don't have any friends because I have no energy to keep contact with them anymore I only talk to my family. I don't know what to do I feel like Ive just fucked up everything in life. I can't keep my home clean and I'm embarrassed to have people over cus it's always such a mess. I'm so ashamed and I hate myself so much and I'm too afraid to kill myself, I don't know what to do. I'm scared of everyone I am tiny and nerdy and some people mistake me for a woman and the job I have is not a real job is just a job training project for people with neuropsychiatrical disorders or mental disorders who can't get real jobs, but in just two months I got to have a real job because my insurance gets cancelled when i turn 30. I can't imagine anyone wanting me to work forthem for real-


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 25, 2012 12:36 pm 
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HI :wink:

I remember this feeling of desperation you are having. Just remember, this too, shall pass.
but you have to fight for it. No, its not easy.
I dont think you should give up. thats not the way to 'win'

You need to step INSIDE your mind, and remove any/all things that are going to trigger you ......
Like if you HAVE codeine pills around, get rid of them. Now, I know that some triggers you cant do anything about, but the ones you CAN do something about, you need to get rid of.

you are the only one that can do this. like I said, its not easy. Im sure theres got to be SOMEBODY if you think hard enough, that would be there for you, if you reached out to them.
If you can get on the 'right track' with your suboxone therapy, I think you'd feel better about yourself, which would help in ALL areas, of your life. for example, your job.
Obviously if you were feeling better, you could shower, and clean up, ETC.
and that would make you more 'desireable' for employment stuff.

you know yourself better than I do, but I think doing what you can, to get rid of any triggers TODAY, would be a good start.

And you can post around the site, any time you need to talk.
we are all here for you :wink:

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anyone can give up,
its the easiest thing in the world to do, but to
hold it together, when everyone would understand if you fell apart
That's TRUE STRENGTH
http://almostoneyearclean.blogspot.com/


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 25, 2012 3:34 pm 
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Please don't give up. Many of us have been where you are. Using, home a mess, not showering, underemployed, down on yourself. In fact, I would guess that most addicts have been through this. It really sounds like you are depressed. Maybe you can discuss this with your Suboxone doctor. You might be in need of an antidepressant. In the meantime, give yourself a break, keep moving forward and keep taking your Sub. This feeling won't last forever. Reach out for help, go to a support group if you can, or call someone who is supportive. Get out of the house, even if it's just out for a walk. And keep posting, there are a lot of good people here.
Hang in there,
Lilly


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 04, 2012 7:40 pm 
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quitopiswed'. you have said a lot here and let out a lot of your feelings and it's ok.

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Humor is one of the best qualities in life of intelligents breeze1.wmv utube untitled 26 (2) utube just me and my music


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2012 8:17 am 
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One of the things that helps me when I'm feeling unmotivated and low is making simple lists. I will make a short, and relatively easy list. Once I can start checking things off it gives me a feeling of accomplishment. I then use that sense of accomplishment to start challenging myself to make a list that is a little harder, but still pretty easy. In this way you go through a cycle of lifting yourself up.

When my son was younger and going through a bout of depression, one of the techniques his therapist taught him was to listen to what he was telling himself, like, "It's never going to get any better," and then imagine hitting the stop button on his internal tape recorder. That helped him short circuit the negative thoughts in his head. Then he would think of a positive and repeat that to himself instead.

It does sound like you are depressed and may need some medical help to lift you up. I know that not everything can be solved with a pill, but sometimes they are necessary.

By the way, you are so down on yourself, but look at you! You can speak two languages! That's pretty impressive!

Amy

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2012 9:57 am 
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[font=Comic Sans MS]Hi there! I realy am saddened by the tone of your post. It was like I could feel how sad you feel. I hate when anyone comes on here and feels this down about themselves. I too have suffered from depression, like a lot of us addicts do. I don't know why, but I'm thinking that you may need to up your dose of suboxone. That is just my opinion. I am kind of surprised that the codeine is even doing anything for you. It is such a weak narcotic compared to most...esp bup.

I agree with the others in that you may just need a little help from an antidepressant. AMy suggested getting out of the house. I know that this is so much easier said than done, but it helps sooooo much. When I used to get this way, I would plop my little guy in his stroller and just go for a walk. Nothing vigorous. Just wnought o get some fresh air in my head, and lungs, and make my blood start pumping a little faster. It helps your brain to release those feel good chemicals too. I truly felt the best mentally when I went to the gym almost every single day. I did that for 7 years straight when I lived in Georgia. It really did make such a huge difference.

Do you like music? Music is great therapy for me. If you have a certain type or style of music that always seems to lift your spirits, perhaps you could try leaving it on in the background. Or even blaring it!!! It always makes me feel better. It doesn't have to be music either. Just find something that you know you used to love. It's gonna be hard right now because you feel like crap. But when you weren't feeling this way, think of the things that you would do, that would bring you pleasure. I always liked to read a good book. Getting lost in a good page turner, is awesome for me. My point is just find ANYTHING that used to bring you some sort of pleasure, joy, stimulation, or whatever. Even if it doesnt now. And then start doing something a little at a time. You may be surprised at how quickly you become engrossed in what you're doing. Just give it a shot.

Also I wanted to mention something that another member had me try. It's called lovingkindness. It takes some work, and I don't have the hang of it yet, but its already making a major difference in how I feel about myself. The thread is called "missing emily" and diary of a quitter is who posted it. She made it really simple by just posting the web page right on my thread. Check it out if you want to. I think this could be a great thing.

Well, I am out of ideas for now, but you hang in there. I hope that you will come back and let us know how you are doing. Depression is such a hard thing to ge tthrough, but I believe you will make it. Suicide is not the answer. It is just a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You sound like such a nice man. I wish that I knew you in real life, so that I could go to lunch with you and pick you up a little...You are going to be ok. I promise. Just keep on posting how you feel to us. We will be here right with you through it all..ok? chin up! You desesrve to be happy[/font].

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"All great changes are preceded by chaos."
~Deepak Chopra


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 Post subject: A NOTE FROM SLIPPER.....
PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2012 11:30 pm 
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I think your problem might be that you need to be on more suboxone. You are saying you are taking 5 or 6 mg.....that
is not a lot, however, I don't know your past history of drug use. If you were on 8 or even 16 mg. it just might take
all your cravings and desires away for these other drugs.

I know exactly how you feel..I went through a time when I didn't wash my hair for days or take a bath..the house was
holy terror...and I became a prisoner in my own home.

I am not a doctor, and this is just advice...my opinion, and I don't know everything...but since I have been on bup I have
not evern thought of my old drugs and I took a lot of them 20 hydros a day and methadones for 29 years...I did a lot
of damage to my family and friends..you are still young and have your whole life ahead of you...mine is about over
and i wasted 29 good health years of it. I would hate to see you do the same thing. I know you are depressed.
I would talk to my doctor and ask for more bup, maybe what you are taking is not covering all your receptors...

and Amber is right on...only you can fix you...you have to want it..and a lot of it is psychological...but you have to put
mind over matter...I feel you can do this...you can change..baby steps...one little thing at a time...

We are all for you here...Keep writing and posting how you feel and read everyone's replys...they are giving you
good advice and we all have been where you are...you are not along...we know..we have been there..

Good luck toyou and keep us posted on how you are doing good or bad...no one here is going to beat you up for
doing bad...all you will get is support...

Sincerely,
Slipper

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"For evil to flourish, all that is needed is for good people to do nothing." >> Edmund Burke


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