It is currently Tue Aug 22, 2017 5:09 pm



All times are UTC - 5 hours [ DST ]


Our Sponsors





Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 12 posts ] 
Author Message
PostPosted: Sun May 29, 2016 5:25 pm 
Offline
Average Poster
Average Poster

Joined: Tue May 17, 2016 2:53 am
Posts: 26
I never seem to be able to find what I think is the right category for my question so here I go again I using the misc category.

A brief overview, met my guy while he was actively using opiates so everything I know about him and his behaviors are filtered thru a "he's an addict" filter.

He has been on Sub a little over 8 weeks and doing well as far as I know. I don't ask a ton of questions and he doesn't over share just his nature. I have never used so I have zero point of reference as to what life is like as an addict-thoughts, feelings, motivations (lack thereof), etc. we are having a few issues right now as he is in that flat, no motivation blank space and me, I'm living everyday with him but feeling like I'm living alone. I'm working on coping because I know getting thru this is a marathon not a sprint and I love him enough to fight for our relationship.

The only other piece of background to know is my guy is very closed off emotionally. He has an extremely difficult time communicating about us as a couple and he will run like the wind from confrontation on a personal level.

So my question is this, he has his life very compartmentalized to the point that work, family, friends never bleed over to one another (side note, one other thing he has always been a very high functioning addict very high achiever in all he does despite being an addict), is keeping the different areas of life (work, friends, family) completely separate so is this part of the behavior of an addict? Or am I dealing with a garden-variety man-thing? He and I have been together for 2.5 years and I have not met ant of the people he works with nor his family. They all know about me. They all know we live together. Don't know if his family ever knew he was an addict or if they know he is off opiates and on Sub. He is the type of person who is wired where he doesn't like people knowing his business.

Thanks in advance for any words of wisdom.

Pops 8)


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon May 30, 2016 8:50 am 
Offline
Moderator
Moderator

Joined: Fri May 01, 2015 9:58 am
Posts: 882
Hi Pop, I really don't think that the behavior you are describing can be all because he is an addict or all because he is a man. My question to you is, are you ok with this? Two and a half years seems like enough time to be comfortable with someone to the point where you want them to share other aspects of their life with you and vice versa. Has there never been the opportunity to attend a family function as a couple? A wedding, graduation, birthday party? Again, my question is to you....are you ok with this?


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon May 30, 2016 10:10 am 
Offline
Moderator
Moderator
User avatar

Joined: Mon Sep 15, 2014 7:15 pm
Posts: 2313
Location: Tennessee
I'm definitely with Michelle, these behaviors aren't how all addicts act. After two and a half yrs, u don't know if his family knows about his addiction? Have u asked him that question? Ur guy seems highly closed off pops, I don't think that's all from being an addict. But ya know, some ppl have strange ways sometimes and that's just how they are, also some ppl aren't as close to family as others may be so u can maybe look at it that way. I'll just tell ya, I ask my fiance questions after questions lol he doesn't mind it at all but even if he did, I'd still ask. That's just knowing ur partner ya know? I don't think it's all because he's an addict or the suboxone though.

Being a non-addict in a relationship with an addict is different though for sure. Before I started using, the father of my youngest son was in recovery when we first got together then relapsed, and I was so clueless and it was 2 totally different worlds....but that was because he had started using again. But even then, I knew things about him and had a relationship with his family and friends. After a couple yrs I'd started using too so I switched into addict role....ugh awful times of my life let's not go there on this post lol :)

I think not knowing some of these things about ur partner is bothering u and imo u should just ask him questions, what's the worst that could happen?

_________________
Jennifer


Top
 Profile  
 
Our Sponsors
PostPosted: Wed Jun 01, 2016 2:26 pm 
Offline
Site Admin
Site Admin
User avatar

Joined: Sun Feb 24, 2008 11:03 pm
Posts: 1544
Tough answers to read, I'm sure, but I agree with them. Understand that some men are open and some are more closed off. Some women are open and some are more closed off. I get the picture of the classic flat, disinterested guy that you described... that type of guy is a bit romanticized in movies and American society. As a psychiatrist I see many women who have grown to hate that guy. Sorry about that anyone reading this whose 'shoes fit'. Emotional withdrawal may be an interesting challenge early in a relationship.... but it provokes anger, affairs, and divorce later in relationships. At the very least, someone entering a relationship should be TRYING to share himself/herself with a partner. Maybe that sharing is difficult, but the person should at least have emotional openness as a goal. Otherwise, what's the point?!


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Jun 05, 2016 3:26 pm 
Offline
Moderator
Moderator

Joined: Fri May 01, 2015 9:58 am
Posts: 882
Hey Pop, I see you have not responded in a bit and I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing? I also wanted to elaborate a little on my post. I am a social worker and am trained to communicate. I also personally feel that communication is key to a healtht relationship. But also I know it is hard work! Only you can decide how much patience and understanding is comfortable for you. If you are ok with Gman's level of communication for today than so be it. It is a very personal decision and my only concern is that you are happy and content! I don't want you to feel like there was judgement in any of the responses. That is not how it works here. We try to answer questions by sharing our experiences. The beauty of this forum is that we treat each response with respect whether we agree or disagree! Please post and let us know how you are!


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Jul 30, 2016 10:18 am 
Offline
Average Poster
Average Poster

Joined: Tue May 17, 2016 2:53 am
Posts: 26
Hey all its been a while since I was here wanted to give an update on life with Gman. I am going to try to combine an update for this post and the other post I had in another thread where I was asking about the libido issues. Well the actual issues have not changed but my understanding of the issues, addictive thinking and behaviors and understanding the addicts emotions and coping skills on opiates vs on Suboxone. It has been an eye opening experience for me.

I met with an addiction counselor recommended by Gman's prescribing doc and that helped me see that I was most definitely in the throes of codependent behavior X10. I knew I was headed down that slippery slope. This counselor also runs a recovery support group for addicts and their family members the group meets twice a week so I started going to that as well. Gman did not go with me. Gman wants no part of the recovery group in fact the first time he knew I went when he asked where I had been and I told him the first words out of his mouth were "I don't want to hear anything about it". I said that's fine I wasn't planning on talking about it.

I know my post were about specific situations but I have to say the past 5 months since Gman started on Sub life has been like descending into a deeper level of Hell with each passing month. I feel like I am living with a stranger. I actually liked him, loved him, enjoyed him more when he was on the opiates and I hate to even admit that but it's the truth. The first mont of Sub he was the best he was happy, he felt good and saw Sub as his savior and could see the stupidity of ever taking opiates. Each month after that first month things have gotten darker. Gman is more angry and irritable. He has an incredibly short fuse and anything and everything can set him off. It is to the point now that I filter everything I say before I say it. I do not feel I can be open and honest with him like I once was. I feel I have to handle him with Kidd cloves because he is sooo irritable. Now couple this with a woman who loves this man very much, is a world class people pleaser to begin with, has codependency issues herself, and has no point of reference to understand remotely what he is going through - it's a recipe for disaster!

The members of my support group helped me to understand how Gman is having to deal with life on life's terms not being able to numb out with the opiates. That was like flipping a switch on a dark room and turning on a light. For some reason, I thought you get Sub, you get off opiates, wahlaaaa, magic you're cured life is beautiful. Boy did I have that wrong. So here is this man who now is a raw mass of emotions and thought processes and dealing with whatever stressors coming at him and I am taking the whole thing personally just sure it is my fault and trying to push him to discuss our relationship and worse making him profess how he feels about the relationship so I was inflicting even more stress on his already overloaded circuits. I feel like the world worst most selfish, crazy bitch woman that ever walked the planet. I just made this revelation 2 weeks ago so I have 4 months of accumulated bullshit to shovel out of our relationship somehow.

The people in the support group told me their stories and said flat out that until Gman gets real with himself and starts unpacking his baggage and dealing with it that he is going to stay stuck in the place where he is right now. I understand what they are telling me. He need to be in a recovery support group. I know his doc told him at the intake appt that he required a commitment to being in a recovery support group but 5 mos in his doc is still prescribing and Gman is not in a group so not sure why his doc has not lowered the boom already. After I left that first meeting, I sent Gman's Sub Doctor a text telling him the situation at home. He said he would get with Gman and take care of it. If his doc has contacted him he is keeping it to himself or either the doc hasn't done it yet. One of the members of the support group is a patient with the same doc and he and his wife have assured me the doc will not continue to prescribe knowing the circumstances at home. Trying not to feel hopeless but just not sure Gman will ever decide to make sobriety a priority.

So here we are. He is angry and irritable most of the time. I now know it has nothing to do with me. He has absolutely no desire for sex with me. He assured me it has nothing to do with his attraction to me but there is no drive/desire there. He has said he will talk to his doc. He is so shutdown that there is no affection/ touch at all at the moment. It is as if we are roommates.

He goes to work everyday but doesn't love that like he did before. N opiates he loved his job. He is exhausted all the time. He has no motivation to do anything other than veg in front of the television and eat.

I am at a place of wait and we will see. As for the sex, I'm not going to hold my breath because honestly he isn't missing sex at the moment and I think he is In a very selfish state of mind right now. As for the others issues I don't think the will resolve unless he decides to get into a recovery program and help himself. He is afraid of people knowing his business and of appearing weak. I don't if he will ever give recovery a chance. I think he is even afraid to face his own demons. I'm not sure any more. I know I love the man but I know at some point love isn't enough. I gphavent figured out what point that us but I'm sure I will as I go through this process.

I am still learning about all this stuff. I really don't want to learn about but feel it's necessary to in order to help me make some kind of sense of this mess. I know right now there is really no part of Gman's life that he is happy with. It seems as if he is frustrated with works, home, his kid, me, everything. I think I get the brunt of everything because he is with me the most and because I have let him know I love him unconditionally and he takes me for granted. I still love the man but this situation is really messed up.

Did anyone else's life implode like this? Am I correct that the only way Gman is going to emerge from his nightmare is to get relief through recovery steps and through a support group? Words of wisdom, advice and encouragement are appreciated.

Pops


Last edited by popsicletoes on Sat Jul 30, 2016 1:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Jul 30, 2016 12:06 pm 
Offline
Moderator
Moderator
User avatar

Joined: Mon Sep 15, 2014 7:15 pm
Posts: 2313
Location: Tennessee
Hey Pops nice to hear from ya again.

Well the only positive out of ur post is ur attending ur own meetings and recognizing, as much as u can, what an addict goes through when they're stuck in a place of unhappiness and just existing instead of thriving. I feel for Gman but I feel for u more to be honest. U can try and try and do everything right but until Gman is ready to change ur gonna be stuck just waiting for him to help himself. U obviously love him unconditionally but do u wanna live this way if he continues not to change? It sounds very unhappy pops, but I know what it's like to not ever want to give up on someone ur in love with and I respect that.

What's happening with Gman didn't happen with me so it's hard to say that I know what he's going through. I attended and still attend meetings that's required through my clinic. I don't understand why his Dr, especially after hearing from u, hasn't forced Gman to attend or hit the rd. That could actually be the first step to him having an active recovery instead of just taking suboxone and going through the motion. Keep on his doctor or nurses if that's possible, maybe becoming a nag will put that into action. I don't understand why Gman is not trying to help himself if he's so unhappy....but I've never had issues with not talking about my feelings. I guess some ppl consider that a weakness and refuse to do it, I have a feeling that's Gmans problem. He obviously hasn't gave up or he wouldn't be on suboxone, so it's hard to say why he's content with not being happy. Sometimes ppl don't change and it's up to u to decide what's best for u pops. Don't get so wrapped up that u forget about u. Ur pretty amazing so don't sell urself short, anyone would be extremely lucky to have someone like u....remember that!

_________________
Jennifer


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Jul 30, 2016 3:45 pm 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member

Joined: Sun Feb 14, 2016 9:40 pm
Posts: 630
Hey pops,

Thx for the update. Looks to me like you fell in love w him in active addiction and he has changed on bup, back to the angry person he was prior to active addiction and why he was chasing pills to cover his depression and anger. Maybe this is what he is hiding and why he never allows you to meet anyone in his workplace, his friends or family. Maybe over time he's switched back and forth from pills to bup and you're assuming this is his first time on bup. Maybe he knows he has no interest for further change, which is his choice to make. Given his refusal to have an addiction discussion, looks like you don't know much about his addiction history and any wreckage and destruction along the way. Until HE does the work, unfortunately you nor any of us will ever know what's really going on...

Addicts don't compartmentalize as an expected behavior pattern. Instead, addicts lie, omit, and/or hide access to parts of their life because they believe its better for them. He is now excluding you, getting much from you yet making you bear the brunt of whatever is causing his anger. This will wear down even the strongest co-dependent. It takes 2 to make a relationship work. 1 alone is not enough. I see you spending huge efforts to help him. I hope you work as hard to work on helping you and I encourage you to attend individual counseling for you. Wishing you my best, P

_________________
Did well on Suboxone. Stopped May 2011.
Stopping went well -- its the staying stopped -- where the real work begins.
Coming here 'keeps recovery green'.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Jul 31, 2016 11:41 am 
Offline
Moderator
Moderator

Joined: Fri May 01, 2015 9:58 am
Posts: 882
Hi Pop, So glad you "popped" back in to let us know how things are going! I am so very happy that you came to the realization of codependency and that you are getting support. Some do stay and deal and others walk and come back or stay gone. It is your decision and only you can decide what is best for you. We are here for you! I wonder, have you ever said to him that you love him but can not stay in a relationship in which you are not happy? Sometimes the fear of losing the person wakes people up. It can't be a false threat, you have to mean it. And it can't be an ultimatum because that very rarely works. I guess I am asking, how much of a discussion have you had? I know you said he does not want to talk about HIS feelings BUT what about YOURS?


Top
 Profile  
 
   
PostPosted: Mon Aug 01, 2016 1:18 pm 
Offline
Average Poster
Average Poster

Joined: Tue May 17, 2016 2:53 am
Posts: 26
Jenn, Pelican and Michelle thank you for taking time to give me your advice and wisdom on my situation. I am glad you didn't hold it against me for not being a consistent poster. Life gets in the way and certainly life with an addict gets in the way of a lot. My past posts I really thought I was dealing what were just bumps in the road to a brighter future but that has proved not to be the case. My bumps had those spike that make your tires go flat and right now I am sitting on the side of the road waiting on a tow truck.

I hear everyone loud and clear "Take Care of Me". I am doing that on a daily basis. Some days are easier than others; old habits die hard. I still love Gman and want everything I have always wanted with him but reality has hit to some degree and I am understanding more and more about what I am dealing with here. It isn't pretty and the outcome is very uncertain. I am making decisions based on what is the best for me and if it's a good thing for Gman then great but he is not my first priority when it comes to what is the future holds. It hard to do that. I don't like not making decisions based on being a couple in fact I hate but I am doing it. I am really mad at him for putting me in the position that I am having to do this at all. I want a miracle but don't know if miracles ever come in the world of addicts. Do miracles happen?

Update since this weekend, Gman has been on Sub for 5 months and this weekend he chose to not take Sub and take pills. He hasn't told me about his decision. He has kept it a secret. As I said in my other posts, his personality and attitude has been ugly and very difficult and all the sudden Saturday night his personality/mood seemed different; he was happy and upbeat. He was more like his old self before starting Sub more like the Gman on pills.

I wasn't paying that much attention on Saturday to know if he was using on Saturday for sure but believe he was but know for sure he was on Sunday and am pretty sure he is today as well. I have found an empty pill bottle hidden in our closet and know he has not been taking his Sub strips. How do I know? I am keeping a count. He must think I'm an idiot not to notice. I'm not mad I just don't understand. When he first went on the Sub the first month he was amazed how good he felt so he recognized how bad the pills had him feeling. He said he would NEVER take pills again just for that reason but here is back taking pills.

I know that last week was a very, very difficult week in regard to his job and with his teenage boys both involved situations that caused major disappointments in Gman's life. The situations essentially left him feeling that what he does and who he is doesn't matter at all - a hard blow for a dedicated employee who has sacrificed time from away from his family and worked his ass off waiting for the big money to come his way and for a father who has been understanding to a fault and made excuses for his boys' behavior. I have no doubt the hurt cut to the bone and I know he is stuffing his feelings and telling himself it doesn't matter. I can't get him to talk if I push he will shut down.

So here we are back to square one. He is not showing any signs of withdrawl. I haven't found any more pills but obviously there must be more because the show is going on like it has all weekend. I don't even know if I should confront him. My gut says not to confront him. It will serve no purpose and drive a wedge between us and that is not something that needs to happen.

The leader of the support group told me that the pills are Gman's first love and to be honest I am questioning if he loves me at all. If I told him to choose one get sober and me or the pills and get out, I think right now he would choose the pills that is a tough one for me. If he loves me it is a twisted love. He says he loves he and his actions say love but love doesn't put the person you love through this kind of shit. I was told that you can never have an intimate relationship with a person in active addiction.

I'm scared. I love him. I don't want to have to let him go but I'm not going to spend my life living this kind of uncertain, unappreciated, unloved life.

Any more advice or wisdom? Thank you in advance.

Pops 8)


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Aug 01, 2016 4:12 pm 
Offline
Moderator
Moderator
User avatar

Joined: Mon Sep 15, 2014 7:15 pm
Posts: 2313
Location: Tennessee
Oh Pops I'm sorry to hear that Gman has fell bk last few days. But u need to know that this happens sometimes with addicts, as unfair to our loved one's it is, it happens. And please don't think it's because he doesn't care for u, addicts unintentionally hurt the one's we love more than anything. I couldn't even stop for my children. I remember my mother crying and when I asked her why she said "I miss the old Jennifer and she'll never be bk, she'll never be bk", it's heartbreaking to even remember that.


Unfortunately for us (addicts) we'll always be fighting this fight, but u can always walk away if u have to so just know it is an option...because I know it's gotta be tough as hell to be so helpless in this relationship. It's like ur giving 110% and u feel like the other person is ruining it all...I get it and it's awful.

Gman was still new in his recovery and wasn't doing the things he should have been to stay in recovery, sadly that's why he relapsed. But there's still hope, always, so if ur willing to stick it out then things can still get on track. I know ur afraid to confront him about it, but I would have to if it were me. Honesty is always what's best in relationships. I don't know how things will move forward without him knowing that u know. It's very possible his suboxone doctor will find out if he fails his drug test. He'll have to give u any explanation if that happens. Addicts, especially one's new in recovery, are so bad with feelings. If he had bad news and family issues, I can see how he slipped up especially when he wasn't doing good in his recovery. So actually it was bound to happen. He's gonna have to want to stop. I know u know all this Pops, I just don't want u to blame urself. Ur going above and beyond to help him and stand by him. U rock, that's for sure!

_________________
Jennifer


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Aug 02, 2016 2:43 pm 
Offline
Average Poster
Average Poster

Joined: Tue May 17, 2016 2:53 am
Posts: 26
One thing is for sure life with Gman there is never a dull moment. He got up this morning and went back on his Suboxone after his weekend binge (that's all I know to call it) taking pills. I am sure my expression was registering total disbelief. Seeing him do this makes me believe that I am probably right on the money that his taking the pills was prompted by the stress, disappointment, and extreme emotions he experienced last week from Tuesday on through Saturday. He just kept getting hit with one thing after another like waves crashing on the shore. He started using Saturday night and used through Monday.

I did witness first hand how Gman stuffs his emotions. We were having a conversation about what his boys did and how it was so hurtful and wrong. It was gut-wrenching to watch him in so much pain and he just stuffed it away. It was almost like watching him swallow it and then he wanted to make me stop talking about it and just "move on" pretend like it didn't happen. It keeps going through my head, he is 55 years old, never knew his dad until he was 16 because his mom got pregnant as a teenager and his grandfather ran his dad off because he was going to kill him if he came around. He grew up poor so he had to scrap and steal to help his family. He grew up rough and tumble learning how to survive - he has a lot of street smarts. His childhood was dysfunctional on many levels based on what he has told me and even as adults his family is still dysfunctional to this day. He carries lot of hurt, shame and anger.

So what now? Well, I will keep doing what I am doing. Soldier on and love him. I am prepared for the anger, irritability, and indifference to return. I had posted a thread asking Dr. J a specific question about exercise and he answered giving me great insight on the relationship so I am going to keep that info front and center being proactive instead of reactive. I think in the past I have been reactive and that has not worked well for me.

My support group gave me the advice to let Gman's doc know he is using pills and he would have called him in for a random drug test. Two of the people go to the same doc as Gman so they know the protocol the doc uses. They said the doc won't dismiss Gman but he will use the incident as a "come to Jesus" moment and make getting in a recovery group a non-negotiable which is exactly what Gman needs. I have never been an addict and I'm not a professional but there is no doubt this man needs to more support than I can give. He needs to be surrounded by people like himself who are on the same journey. He needs to be with people who have just as much stinking thinking in their heads as he does and they have just as many horrible secrets as he has. He needs to see example of how the truth will set you free. Just in the short time I have attended I have seen all of this and I'm not the addict so I can only imagine how powerful it would be for Gman.

Jenn, I really appreciate you sharing your wisdom and all the input you have given me. These boards are an invaluable source for me. Dr. J did say these relationships can heal but it takes time and it's a long road. I kinda figured it was a long road but was encouraged to know the relationship can heal. I am encouraged that Gman had it in him to go back on his Sub this morning that says to me he doesn't want to use and he must have some kind of will power or self discipline when it comes to the pills.

Pops 8)


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 12 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 5 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Our Sponsors
Suboxone Forum latest topics RSS feed Subscribe to the entire forum
 

 

 
Fond Du Lac Psychiatry
Dr. Jeffrey Junig, M.D., Ph.D.

  • Board Certified Psychiatrist
  • Asst Clinical Professor, Medical College of Wisconsin

Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group