It is currently Wed Aug 23, 2017 10:07 am



All times are UTC - 5 hours [ DST ]


Our Sponsors





Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 3 posts ] 
Author Message
PostPosted: Sun Nov 08, 2009 12:57 pm 
Offline
Average Poster
Average Poster

Joined: Sun Aug 10, 2008 3:20 pm
Posts: 4
I'm here in bed on day 3 of getting "back on suboxone" and I can honestly say this is a hell of a lot better than being on the awful opiate roller coaster. i just had a hysterectomy, 4 weeks ago, which was one of the best things I've ever done. Problem is, that being a chronic pain patient I have had very easy access to legal opiates, well mostly easy-since last year I admitted I was abusing and went through suboxone induction and treatment, but then went back to pure opiates since I continued to have debilitating pain issues.

Thus a hysterectomy was finally, which I am more than sure has taken care of the core problem causing the majority of my pain issues.

In any case, my addiction story: I began snorting my IR opiates back in, May or early June of this year and since then my tolerance has gone through the roof. Not to brag by any means, its rather frightening when I say it out loud, or type it out, last week I went through 90 10mg opana IR's in about 6.5 days. I am shocked that I am still alive...I have another valid script sitting in my kitchen which I've called a friend to help me tear it up and dispose of remaining meds. I've been off an on pain meds since my teens years and have mostly prided myself in "being in control," which for many years I was, until I wasn't. That's the story of addiction, right?

It was in 2007 that my use began to escalate to a daily regime. On one hand I felt better than I had in years, and much of my ongoing pain problems became dull back-ground noise. I worked hard, got myself into a PhD program at an Ivy League university, traveled through China on a long trip (running out of meds and having an epic migraine at the end, which sucked...) bit otherwise looked like the picture of sobriety.

Oh yes, I forgot to add, I was in treatment for alcoholism in late 2000, and haven't had a drink since...I do have an active recovery program in AA, but found it best to stay away from the hard-core fundamentalist types who I find have a rather darwinian sink or swim attitude, especially in relation to medical issues or anything NOT related to not picking up a drink a day at a time or the spiritual core of service to others, whether in or out of the rooms. Though ostensibly it is not my place to judge another person's recovery, I prefer to stay aware from fear or shame based messages having had my fair share throughout my life. I have had many sponsees, have done a ton of service work, and ironically, once my pain issues were seemingly under control, my life seemed to flourish.

AH...the salad days of controlled opiate use are long over. To fast forward, I switched meds last year in April of 2008 to an oral opiate. I had always stuck with a suppository, cause it seemed safer, but hey, using 5 or 6 a day is kind of a drag....Something changed with the new opiate. It was as if an internal switch was triggered and my latent addiction kicked in full force. I don't think its always so simple. At least for me in my drinking, I'd find reasons to drink no matter what, but its clear in my case that stress is a big trigger. Last May, a number of life events came colliding in all at once; bad seasonal depression on top of already bad physical pain and migraines, my estranged brother's wedding, having to put my beloved "sobriety" cat to sleep and an overwhelmingly busy schedule that kept me running from myself and soon running on empty. Strangely enough my AA sobriety seemed better than ever, or at least I was told often that I sounded "great" and iinspiringly honest in my overwhelming state of emotional pain. But I don't know, somehow the thought kicked in through my own secretive infinite wisdom to start grinding and snorting my drugs with a mortar and pestle. I don't know, it seemed like the right thing to do, and wow, I just felt that much better, never mind that I was always sweating at inappropriate moments. It was like everything just washed away...I finally stopped crying, which I'd been doing for weeks on end.

I only lasted a few months this way, and in early July, crashed and burned...ashamed at my lack of power and failed recovery, I confessed my "sins." I wound up in treatment and on suboxone. Problem was, that underneath the addiction I was still suffering from significant pain. In the form of thrice weekly migraines, almost constant uterine cramping and an overwhelming feeling of being just plain ill - for a while I thought it was actually suboxone. In 2006, I was diagnosed with adenomyosis on top of endometriosis (diagnosed in my early 20's,) both of which in retrospect, hi-jacked my life and exacerbated my dependence on opiates to feel ok. My local Gyno had pretty much only given me the option of pain management, since she ruled that I was way too young (in my mid-thirties mind you, not that young) for a hysterectomy.

Suboxone was great in that I didn't have the urge to "use" but the severity of my headaches and pelvic pain began to supercede, despite my best wishes, the opiate blocking properties of suboxone. The choice was made in a round about way, after a nasty bike accident in September, I then found myself back on my old suppository friend. Ironically, the accident was right in front of my place of work on campus. I was to my great distress, supposed to return to work the next day after a partial leave for addiction treatment. As usual, I was pushing myself far too hard in my life, and the universe had me busting my collarbone and dislocating my shoulder to continue on with the disability leave that I was so stressed about letting go of too early. (Unfortunately I had, what I now know, was a great deal of inappropriate pressure from my supervisor to return to work.) Hmmm. the Universe does have a sense of humor at times.

There is no moral to this story, if that's what some of you might want. I no longer feel any shame over my use and abuse of opiates, however, at the present time, today that is, I do want to get better and stop. But what I can say is that the vortex that becomes opiate addiction/tolerance/dependence has a way of ramping itself up in a very very insidious way, especially if one is suffering from a medical condition which easily justifies the use of opiates. In June of this year, after pleading once more with my local Gyno., I was FINALLY referred out to a top notch physician in another city who concurred with what my neurologist had said years before, but my local gyno throught I was too young for, that a hysterectomy might help immensely. There is no point in going over all the emotions I've gone through, I am now post-surgery, and truly feel like a new woman....Opiate addiction aside. Ha Ha. I don't get off that easily, eh? THat's the point of my story.

I'd be lying if I didn't say that I love the high, and the excuse I had to use, but watching my scripts run out faster and faster (I'd use my latent suboxone script to fill in the gaps) I can no longer deny the insanity of my use and abuse since it truly seems that much of my "justifiable" pain is gone. Its been 5 1/2 months this time around, and unlike last year, I learned to hide my addiction behind by illness. But that's over, and I have no other excuse to cling too, except flat out addiction, which leaves me to face myself and the mortality of my life I am playing Russian Roulette with.

I am on day 3 back on suboxone, and despite it being a little less "easy" a transition as it has been in the past because my tolerance has gone through the roof, I am surprised at how this has all worked out. I have a lot of support and honestly, just want out of this nightmare of having the proverbial monkey on one's back. I hate having to hide my use from my friends and family, always blaming my allergies for my runny nose. It sucks. I have a good life, why would I want to flush it away? Unlike in the past, when I ran out and was desperate in the throes of withdrawal, this time around it is a deliberate choice and one I hope to stick with. For now, trading "up" for an opiate blocker makes more sense rather than trading "down" for more and more opiates or horrible withdrawals which I doubt I'd make it through without going back to use, either now or later. I know I don't have the internal fortitude or energy to taper or go cold turkey, which my own hard-nosed ways considered.

It is so easy to get lured back into the awful cycle of opiate abuse and addiction. Though I have been justifiably ill for some time, I am now healing. Whether some would agree or not in how I used them and for why I used them, it is clear that my time on opiates is over. Its a no win situation long term, chronic pain patient or not. I fear for the day I use one too many and follow many others of my generation into the grave. As much as I'd like to believe, I know I am not that strong myself to stay clean right now and I don't have the energy either to do a "walk of shame" or beat myself up emotionally for failing once again. There is not point. Its like the last monologue of Trainspotting: it all boils down to "Choosing Life." It is all I have today: Choose Life. My final two cents: Its sad that the darwinian moralists/hardliners in recovery and medical profession, feel that either denying pain relief for addicts, or a pharmaceutical solutions to addiction such as suboxone is "weak" or not "true recovery." They should perhaps weigh in on whether having compassion for those who suffer is really worse than the often used alternative of enforcing moral arrogance through shaming/blame the addict with possible eventual agony or death makes for a better society.

anyhow, that's my story for today. it feels good to type it all out, and thanks for reading.

June

p.s. i've proof-read a few times, but apologies in advance for mistakes....


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Nov 09, 2009 3:07 pm 
June - welcome to the site. I think you'll find it to be a safe place to share and to gather more information regarding your treatment with Suboxone.
I'm sorry for all you've been through. It is indeed difficult to sort through it all when one has had significant chronic pain issues and a legitimate need for pain relief. There is certainly a difference between tolerance/dependence and addiction. Unfortunately the prior all too often leads into the latter. And too often when we find ourselves addicted, we are met with little to no understanding or sympathy and very few alternatives for treatment.
Suboxone when used properly and in conjunction with making all the necessary changes in our lives, can be a Godsend. It is not a miracle in and of itself as you well know. You can have a bottle full of it and be released from the physical symptoms of withdrawal thereby leaving yourself with no 'need' to use opiates, and yet still be driven so strongly psychologically to use that you'll go right back to opiates.
There are reasons we used opiates and continued to use them even when the physical pain was resolved. Until we get to those reasons and address them, Suboxone just postpones the almost certainly inevitable - relapse.
For me, Suboxone is giving me the freedom to explore and address the things in my life that led me down this road. I can think clearly, unconsumed by the pain of withdrawals and begin to put my life back together.
It's a beautiful thing!
Keep posting!


Top
  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Nov 09, 2009 4:16 pm 
Offline
Average Poster
Average Poster

Joined: Sun Aug 10, 2008 3:20 pm
Posts: 4
thanks for your words. i am hoping this is the case. i am ready to re-kick start my life, and i think the surgery is a big turning point. now to slowly heal and re-gain my balance in life. as a reminder, a good friend of mine said to me this morning, "not so fast "Sea Biscuit!" you're not ready to jump out of the gate just yet."

slow and steady...i too hope that i can take a break and that the pain doesn't turn me back to opiates. i feel pretty darn done right now.

-J


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 3 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 5 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Our Sponsors
Suboxone Forum latest topics RSS feed Subscribe to the entire forum
 

 

 
Fond Du Lac Psychiatry
Dr. Jeffrey Junig, M.D., Ph.D.

  • Board Certified Psychiatrist
  • Asst Clinical Professor, Medical College of Wisconsin

Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group