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PostPosted: Wed Oct 22, 2014 10:48 am 
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So 6 months ago today I quit taking suboxone. I was feeling great and working out and enjoying life. However, I was not doing anything in regards to preparing myself to avoid a relapse. About 3 weeks ago I relapsed. I am now in the process of dealing with going through some withdrawals again. I am so disappointed in myself. When I quit suboxone it wasn't my decision. Like I've mentioned before I was buying them off the street and it was the first and only thing I had been addicted to. After joining this forum I felt disgusted with myself for buying suboxone illegally and using it improperly but I didn't let that stop me from doing it again. I hate that I have to go through this again because I know how hard it was on everyone around me and myself when I was withdrawing. I was feeling great, and now I'm back to square one. I was so proud of myself for the progress I made and how diligent I was in working out and getting healthy and getting my life back. I wasn't hiding anything from my family. My whole paycheck was used for our family and not $100 a week in pills. I really need support to do this again, so I'm reaching out and being honest and putting myself out there. I feel stronger in a sense that I won't put myself here again. It seemed easier to deal with the first time around. I had access to get more suboxone but didn't have any desire to. Now, I feel like giving up. I've gotta do this and know I can because I made it almost 6 months and felt great. So I'm hoping that after a few weeks I'll be back to how I was before this relapse. Thanks to everyone who took the time to read this. I'm going to try to post daily until I feel back to normal then I will post regularly just to be accountable. A side note, it never seems like I good time to quit. After I realized I was getting back into addiction I wanted to stop immediately but had "too much going on" and let it drag on for another week and a half. Now I have things I have to do and am just going to have to deal with it. I'm going to stop now and I'm going to work hard in recovery. Before this happened I thought meetings, and meditation and other things that people said were good for them was stupid. And I'm sorry for thinking that because now I see how easy it is to screw up if you aren't working some type of recovery. Will update tomorrow I hope, if I can force myself to do anything. Any and all responses are welcome, especially harsh ones that I deserve.


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 22, 2014 1:45 pm 
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Hey Quiet,
Ok so you are starting over. You are being very hard on yourself.
Look at how far you have come really. Family life is better and money too.
The thing is we cant seem to do enough in our recovery. Our disease will pop up
out of know where. Then we are left with the guilt an shame of it.

I believe if our home is in good shape, and our heath is strouger and we have a purpose in life
that we have a chance to keep our disease in remission with the help of others and
by helping others.
Meetings and the people in them can give you this chance.i learned quite abit while i was there.
Or maybe talk to a pro on why you relapsed. .Why did you? I ask myself this when i feel the need to pick up.
So far so good, i havnt yet..

Anyway just wanted to say you ll be ok and many more will be aloug to support you Q..

Best of luck ....Razor.....


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 23, 2014 6:55 am 
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I am just curious if there was a specific reason that you decided to start taking suboxone again? Were these thoughts there the entire 6 months you were clean or did they come suddenly? I don't think there is anything shameful about relapsing, but I find it a bit odd that you would relapse on suboxone and not some type of opiate.

I would be lying if I said I didn't still think about it from time to time when I'm bored or feeling kind of crappy, but for me the "good feeling" from suboxone was never that good to begin with. I would recommend trying to figure out what triggered this for you. For me its never been one thing, it is usually a series of events that led to relapse.

Either way the sooner you stop again the better. I don't know how long you were on subs before but we all know the longer you stay on them the harder it gets. If this has only been going on for a few weeks it may be easier then you think!

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 23, 2014 1:58 pm 
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Today has been different. I woke up around 5am tossing and turning, but at points I would fall back asleep for a few minutes. Finally got up around 7:20am and didn't feel good. It was like that dry mouth, just bad feeling that you can't place. I turned the shower on and sat in the tub letting the hot water hit me while I attempted to wash myself. We had to go buy a car, which we had been putting off forever so I knew I couldn't get out of it easy. So instead I got it in my head that you just got to "fake it till you make it" which I heard from here. I tried to make some jokes to my wife and acted like I had energy while I got myself and my son ready. I guess the excitement of buying a new car really got my endorphins flowing because I felt "ok" during the LONGGG process. This was my first time buying a car from a dealer, holy cow it took forever. But it felt good to get my family a reliable vehicle as we prepare for our new baby. Later I'll figure out how I'm gonna pay for it. I tried to put reminders in my head and even write certain things down before I went into WD because I knew once I was there I would just pity myself. One main thing I've tried to put in my head is stay as active as possible, the more strenuous work the better, and run everywhere instead of walk. I really think that because I had 6 months of being clean off suboxone before a 3 week relapse once I get passed this stint I'll quickly go back to where I was, or I'm hopeful I guess.. After this I will still remember my quit date as 4/22/2014.. Anyways, Razor - thank you for the support and insight. I really appreciate it. Tiki- Subs was always my DOC, I was buying them off the street. Before subs I hadn't taken an opiate in like 5 years and then I just played around with it once every few months. I always got high off subs then after being on them for 4 years I still felt good while on them. To answer one of your questions in the beginning I had no desire to use at all, I guess the reason I started taking it again was I planned on just using it for a day or two just for fun. It was a bad idea, I kept stretching it out then put it off to avoid WD. I didn't even feel like I had cravings, the opportunity just came up and I wasn't thinking about recovery at the time, I felt fine. Anyways, I feel pretty decent right now, lets hope it stays that way. Maybe i'll just have a day or two of crap then go back to my 6 months off feeling.


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 23, 2014 3:17 pm 
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Quiet-
I think Tiki is right, this is an excellent time to deal with why this happened, but not the time to beat yourself up. You didn't relapse because you are weak, you relapsed because that is what addicts do when life becomes too much. I really believe at the heart of every addict is a person who wants to be happy but doesn't always know how. No one chooses to be an addict, I don't want to damage everyone in my life while doing drugs. You wouldn't tell someone who had cancer return that they weren't strong enough to fight it off. Addiction is a disease. I don't say that to make it an excuse, I say that because far too many people out of self loathing relapse and instead of seeing it as another part of their disease see it as failure.

We have to identify why we relapse. Could it be that another baby on the way triggered something in you? I ask because I remember going on a huge drug bender after I found out about our 3rd child and worrying to death about bills and health care and I just didn't feel like a person that any child should look up to. I hated myself. As addicts we are going to have times where we can relapse, we have to figure out the triggers that send us to our drug. If we can redirect our actions there we can truly achieve sobriety. Of course I'm just saying all this, I'll let you know in 30-40 years if I just walked the walk or I talked the talk. :)


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 23, 2014 8:46 pm 
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I really appreciate this feedback. You all are so knowledgable about recovery and have so much to offer. Hopefully one day I'll be there too as I grow and learn and listen. Today turned out to be a good day, I felt great after writing my post and I feel really hopeful. I however, am reading and re-reading everything from everyone to avoid this again. I will see what tonight and tomorrow bring. Thanks all.


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 24, 2014 2:24 am 
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Hey QA,

You're an addict and you're an imperfect human being! This is actually what you're supposed to be doing!

Now, I don't mean that you should just give up and throw in the towel! This is a slip on your part and you have to take charge and nip it in the bud. Your situation is exactly why recovery statistics are so bad. Almost no one quits and never touches an opiate again!

Think of it this way. You're now one of the 90% who don't quit opiates perfectly. You've gotten your slip out of the way and know how to journey forward. You're going to get back up on that horse and pretty soon you will have another 6 months opiate free. You've done this before and you can do it again! The withdrawal won't be comfortable, but it won't last as long either.

We are here to support you every step of the way! So keep checking in every day or more if necessary. If you feel like caving come to the forum and write it all down instead. You can do this!!!

Amy

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 24, 2014 10:45 am 
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I'm back again today. I had forgot to mention in my previous post what day it is. Today is 6 days since my slip. I feel pretty good. I slept last night from like 9:15-4:30 then on and off till about 6:30. I have energy, I can eat fine. The only real symptom is the fact that I'm so tired by like 8pm and that I don't want to get out of bed. Once I do and get moving I'm fine. The first couple days were crap. But I'm getting back to where I was before my slip a lot quicker than I expected. I'm going to start working out again. I saw the most improvements when I started working out around 3 months. After I started working out things got better so fast. I'm hoping to keep that going. I'm feeling pretty hopeful today that this is behind me and I can move forward.


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 26, 2014 4:05 pm 
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Alright I am still here. Slowly returning back to my pre-slip state. Sometimes I get frustrated that I just went through this but really all I had to deal with this time was lack of sleep at night (although I am getting like 5-6 hours) and a bit of a flat mood. Nothing too bad but when I think back to had good I felt I get upset I let myself go through this again. Maybe that's a good thing so that when this is over I'll remember it sucks. Thanks to everyone who posted encouragement to me. I really appreciate it so much. I'll keep this up until I feel back to where I was. Haven't lifted up the weights yet although I did run around yesterday which got my mood right. Till next time.


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 26, 2014 4:12 pm 
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Try really hard to look at each instance of adversity as a learning experience. It doesn't do you any good to have negative feelings about this slip. Perhaps it was necessary to your recovery as a whole!

Take what has happened and use it as a stepping stone toward your further recovery. Don't waste energy on blaming yourself.

I'm glad you didn't experience much in the way of withdrawal symptoms! :)

Amy

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 26, 2014 9:10 pm 
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I love how much you guys help people like myself. I read through this forum every day for encouragement, knowledge about my addiction, to check up on how people are doing and other things. I always see your responses and think, humanity is restored. If only "normal" people cared about other normal people like we care for each other that we've never met.... Anyways, my endorphins are pumping hard after my embarrassment of a workout and came by and felt so inspired. Plus Greenbay is playing so its an all around good evening. I know I updated earlier but... Feel good right now, like old self good. Got energy, motivation, and am in a great mood. Exercise guys, I'm telling you!! I know I have to keep it up and I will!! I've deleted numbers from my phone that I should've deleted 6 months ago. Only bad part is I'm really good with numbers because of my job so I haven't forgotten them yet, any ideas? Again, you guys rock and I'm soooo glad I joined this forum.


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 27, 2014 11:57 am 
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Glad to hear you're feeling better! This is not the usual abuse relapse story, but I am glad you worked it out none-the-less.

Not sure how to make you forget those numbers, though. You could always call your phone company and block those numbers if you think that will help you. Good luck!

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Clean thanks to Suboxone since June 20, 2014
Down to 4mg a day since Feb, 2016!


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 27, 2014 8:54 pm 
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Thanks Visa,
I agree, and feel like my whole story is a bit out of the ordinary. I haven't heard/met many people whose DOC is suboxone and that their opiate addiction started with suboxone. None the less though it controlled me. Getting it was my main concern, then everything else came later. I've said before, I feel like people who take suboxone properly are clean, however, the way I used and abused i was not clean on it. Big difference to me. Anyways, today's update is still a positive one. I felt great/energized/motivated today. Slept good last night, a solid 8 hours, only woke up once to pee, fell right back to sleep. All in all I feel back to my pre-slip state. You guys won't believe how much easier it is to make it through these tough times when you got people from this forum reaching out. Thanks to all.


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 28, 2014 2:01 pm 
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Hi QA! Your situation is pretty unique! However, we have heard of your situation before. I'm sorry that "the cure" is what you got in trouble with in the first place! It doesn't leave you much of an option besides continuing to try to live opiate free. It's hard to stay clean, but it can be done! Just keep working at it!

I'm glad that you've gotten good sleep finally! :)

Amy

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