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PostPosted: Sat Mar 23, 2013 9:56 pm 
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I'm so glad to hear that you think Wellbutrin helped when you went off sub! My doctor is planning on starting me on Wellbutrin a few weeks before I go off sub for the same reason.

Your post about your libido being back made me giggle. :) But be careful! You don't want to electrocute yourself before you've had a chance to test out your renewed drive!

Have a relaxing rest of your weekend!

Amy

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PostPosted: Sun Mar 24, 2013 12:16 pm 
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Definitely a crap load to do with mental! What a busy body you are....That certainly works in your favor!

In my experience, I tried to drink a few times while detoxing and it made the RLS go insane. (Thought it might numb me out, WRONG lol) If I didn't have it before hand, I did after. If I did have it already, it just took it to a whole different level! Almost unbearable. Same with sugars, caffeine, (breathing walking talking driving etc etc lol JFK)

Personally, clonidine totally helped relieve my RLS--or "restless body syndrome"-- and allowed me to get some sleep. It just slowed everything right the hell down! It made my energy level really low, but that was a good trade for some relief. It also helped with the sweats and waves of different body temps. HOT HOT baths really helped me get through some rough ass times. My body would become so relaxed I could hardly get out of the tub. If possible, get massages. It helps to work out all that crap stored in your body. I remember feeling like death, and as soon as the massage started, I felt tons better. Ahh, relief!

I hope today you felt some progress. Hats off to you :)

-Jen


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 24, 2013 10:19 pm 
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Day 7. Today didn't start off bad, actually got seven hours sleep, physical symptoms are subsiding I think. Mental part...not so good anymore. I'm up them I'm REALLY DOWN. It's like I have this feeling that I'm never going to be happy again even though I know it's the wd f*ckin with me. I'm not even close to being bed ridden or anything, I just have constant negative thoughts about my life cycling through my head consistently. I know I have a substance abuse problem and I'm afraid I'm going to cave. I just want to stop the emotional roller coaster.

I didn't drink Saturday, but I was a walking panic attack. I didn't even want to go to the grocery store, but i did. Major agoraphobia. This morning I felt less anxious and forced myself to go to the movies (The Incredible Burt Wonderstone, a little disappointed considering the cast) and then went straight to the bar to meet friends (also to numb the anxiety.) I got home and started to pack for my next sh*tty trip and LOST IT. Realizing that there is no one to come home to, god knows when there will be, and if there is, they'll probably leave me because I'm not around for them and all kinds of bullsh*t along those lines. "Why be miserable sober when you can be high?" is the question going through my head like a broken record. I hate being on the road, I hate being home, and when I go out, it's with my only friends that drink and use on the weekends. I HOPE that it's just PAWS and I hope it ends soon!

I'm going to take Jen's advice and take a hot ass shower for at least thirty minutes.


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 1:00 pm 
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Hi NYG,

I hope you are in a better place mentally today. I guess you are traveling now but I just wanted to let you know I understand those thoughts you are having. It seems like depression goes hand in hand with addiction. Opiates always made mine much better...when I was high that is. :? The problem always came in when I couldn't get high...usually when my script ran out and I couldn't find anything on the street. That sucked!

Anyway, I wish there was an easy answer to those feelings of "what's the use"? I am struggling with fears of these feelings right now. Sometimes I wonder why everyone doesn't just leave me alone and let me do what the hell I want to do? So what if I want to stay on the suboxone for a little longer? What is it going to hurt? The problem with that line of thinking is I don't know if I will ever want to get completely off all opiates if left to my own devices. The time will never be right I'm sure. So in my situation, I must follow doctors (and hubby's) orders and taper NOW! Oh crap...I don't know where that came from. I got off topic a little...sorry. I just mean I think most of us have some depression and screwed up thinking going on. We just have to cling to those moments of sanity and realize what the truth is. This will get better, I will eventually feel normal again. My life IS worth living! Who knows what tomorrow will hold for you! Mrs. Right (or Mr. Right whatever fits here) is out there somewhere I am sure of it!

I had my first appointment with a new psychologist Friday. He is an not an addiction specialist but he had some good pointers for me that I think I will use to my advantage. He is a proponent of LOGO therapy. I have not researched it yet but what he told me is that it is simply a matter of setting LONG TERM , acheivable, life goals for yourself. Like for me one of the things that makes recovery harder is that I am home all day with three kids. We homeschool so I don't have a break from them to really spend time away from the house very often. So I get sucked into sitting around alot not doing much. He told me I needed to come up with things to keep my day busier...be more scheduled and not have so much down time. Try to get out more. He thinks I need to think about taking some college courses or something like that so that I have something to work towards long term. I don't think you have the problem of having too much time on your hands as I do, but maybe you can find something to focus on that is inspiring for you.

Let us know how you are doing today. I am praying now that you will have a moment today that shows you how much potential for greatness your life has in it. The only constant in life is change. There are always cycles...what will your next one be? Imagine the possibilities!

I hope this helps a little. Your post inspired me to write this but it may benefit someone else who reads this just as much or more. Lord knows I need reminded of this often!


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 1:15 pm 
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NYG, I know it's extremely hard to see it right now, but things are going to get better! I know it's hard to get through the days that are bleak and don't seem to have a light at the end of the tunnel. You will get through them and every day you'll get closer to a time when you can look back and view this time as a bad dream.

I believe in better days!

Amy

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 1:27 pm 
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Thanks for that HG. Feel better today...still in Tampa airport, flight to Minni is delayed. It's almost almost like being extemely bipolar. Up, down, up, down, up, down. It's only day 8 and I think I got away with murder when it came to no having a hard acute withdrawal, so I should be happy. I ended up venting last night on here because there's no where else for me to, so sorry if that was annoying :roll:

I do feel better so far today though. I tried to take less Xanax because I was drinking this weekend. I think more Xanax and less or no alcohol is the answer. I am going to have a drink on the plane though, especially since I think I'm getting screwed with a middle seat, even though I booked this in February!

Thanks for your advice and concern!


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 1:35 pm 
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Please feel free to vent when you need to. How can we support you if we don't know what's going on? I'm sure you're right that alcohol probably isn't helping you much. You don't need a depressant when you're already experiencing depression!

Take care and have a good day!

Amy

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 3:39 pm 
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Yeah NYG I think what you're doing is very commendable. Keep it up man. Don't take any more suboxone no matter how shitty you feel, it will just prolong the inevitable. I myself am tapering as well. Down to 4mgs from 8 in about 2 months. My insurance runs out in August, so I've got to taper faster then I would have myself. But thats a good for sure, I'm a 25year old male, I've been on the things for about 3 years now, methadone for about 2 before that, and heroin before that, and a bit in between. But now I'm 8months clean. But the suboxone jump is my next(and last) big obsticle to sobriety. But man, you are VERY lucky to have benzos, especially xanax during your withdrawl. Certainly not everyone has that. They are immensley helpful for opiate WDs. And seeing as you have been on them for 7 years already, there is no need to practice moderation to prevent becoming addicted to the benzos. Just be careful with the drinking and xanax man, I'm sure you know they make you black out very easliy. I used to have a pretty big perobelm with the xanax bars in the past myself, so I am well aware of their benifits, and harms. So yeah, just wanted to share that. I hope you're feeling okay dude, keep up the good work!


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 4:47 pm 
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I'm in the air using gogo n flight wifi (a ripoff, I barely have enough speed to to post this) and I've had 3 wines just so I can tolerate the 3.5 hour flight. That's all I'm having BTW.

Cutty, I know what you're talking about with the benzo helping out.....TREMENDOUSLY. It sucks that doctors are afraid to prescribe benzos to recovering addicts because they're afraid they'll abuse them. Fortunately, I'm covered by the Veterans Affairs medical program and I certainly can't tell my doc that I could suck an oxy through a garden hose if I wanted to right now, let alone that I have been taking suboxone daily for several months. I will NEVER take suboxone again, it's the oxy I'm afraid of. It's practically shoved in my face....for free! I'm not kidding. My friend offered me a blue Friday night and I refused. He was actually offended, but he meant well. I know I would've been through the roof high if I took it and its really hard to turn down an "I will feel awesome if I take this after working hard all week" feeling, weekend after weekend. I know about he "blacking out" too, but I'll be fine. If there's anything I know about it's, a) football, b) guitar c) politics, and d) the fine line between going night, night and being fine when taking Xanax and drinking alcohol at the same time.



Shit we're landing gotta run.


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 7:21 pm 
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Hi NYG. Hoping you landed safely.....

Your days are adding up quick. Making progress! And- you turned down pills. Yeeesh, good for you. I personally cut every single and all ties out (including drs) and rekindled old friendships because I know I most likely start salivating and would hammer them up my nose! (And they surely wouldn't stop me) Even after all the shit I've endured. Sad. That's really something of you. Wow.

Hopefully you can get some rest when you get home. It is extremely valuable to your recovery.

The benzos help immensely. I was on them for years and quit them about a year ago. About a month ago I was prescribed them for my detox and found myself dabbing into them constantly for desperate relief. I even thought about snorting a few, so I knew it was going downhill quick, just my experience. I never abused them throughout my lengthily time on them. I needed them for PTSD and attacks. Sounds like you've been on them for a while also, makes it easier to be a little more steady and consistent with them perhaps.

Hope all is well and you're better than yesterday! :)
-Jen


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 Post subject: you are an inspiration
PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 7:57 pm 
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wow, you made it through 8 days and you where strong enough to refuse some blues. Thats awesome. I'm about to stop soon too ( end of april) and your day to day update inspired me immensly. I think you should start going to the gym when you come back home, so that you can meet new friends there.
Do you take any supplements? I am about to start taking amino acids, vitamins, and extra protein to speed up the healing process and of coure exercise is key to help the brain heal faster.
I live in Tampa too, and I think we should consider ourselves lucky because the weather here is way warmer then up north of course. Now imagine living up north and freezing. Especially during wd we tend to be cold and have trouble controlling our temp., so at least we are warm and miserable instead of cold and miserable :D
Anyway, please please update when you have the time, I really wanna know how you doing and what you up to.
And you lucky you where traveling during wd, because its socks to stay home and keep on counting the minutes and beeing bored. Actually I belief that boredom during early recovery is a dangerous enemy. So keep busy!

so please update us!


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 26, 2013 1:34 pm 
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Guitar, Politics and walking a fine line, huh? I like that combo.. (I don't really care for football, sorry)


How are you today? How's Minnesota? :D


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 26, 2013 1:58 pm 
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Hi all! At lunch right now, still in Minni....cold as a witches titty....Day 9. Today has been the best by far since I've stopped. I got 9 HOURS sleep last night, which is probably the reason. I got to the hotel, ate, watched Family Guy, and fell asleep....just like a normal person! No RLS, until about 3 am, took a Xanax, and went right back to sleep. My downs aren't as low today and my highs aren't as high, like I'm starting to level out. Hopefully this continues. It's when I'm home that's hard, but I have a feeling this weekend will be better than last.

Yeah, Friday night, I actually had the blue in my hand and paced back and forth for about 5-10 minutes deciding whether to pop half of it and realized the longer I thought about it, the more likely I'd say f*ck it and eat it, so I just said "not tonight." My friends aren't trying to screw me up, they don't even know I was wding all week. They asked me what the f*ck I was doing pacing and staring at the pill. I just told them I'm cutting down. My best friend has this bizarre ability to only take oxy on weekends, for about a decade now.

Supplements I was taking was 1 a day multi-vitamin, Super B-Complex (with the ridiculously high dv%), Liquid Sublingual B12, pure Glutamine powder with water at night, and regular high protein food like chicken or fish for amino acids. Stuff that's easy on the stomach. Got to get back to work, thanks so much!


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 2:49 pm 
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Good for you, NYG!!!

You resisted the oxy and got 9 hours of sleep!! That is truly awesome! I'm so proud of you (even though I know I'm not your mother, sister, cousin...)! Keep up the good work!

Amy

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PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 9:54 pm 
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Thanks!

It's day 10 and I really think I'm in the clear. I've been going to sleep without OTC sleeping pills for days now. RLS is definitely minimal, although I do wake up in the early am to pop a little piece of Xanax, a habit I need to break. I don't want my body used to getting a benzo dose every night at 2am. I think I can quit smoking again (stopped for 5 years and started again) which, a week ago, seemed out of the question.

I traveled ALL DAY today, from 7am-Now, Rochester, MN to Minneapolis, MN to Milwaukee, WI to New Orleans, LA to Ocean Springs, MS. Yes, that was just today, and I had NO issues. Although, I had to take immodium, but I think it's because I ate enchiladas for breakfast....not wise. I haven't felt like this since 2007, before I was introduced to the blue devil of oxycodone.

I do have vivid dreams about pills every night which I'm sure about 90% of people on this forum have. I'm dreaming about hiding pills, buying pills, stealing pills, snorting pills, losing pills, dropping pills with little kids around, you name it. At least I know I'm getting REM sleep :roll:

This "Stopping Suboxone" forum has been great to me and I know it helped almost as much as the Xanax :wink: Thanks TD, Amy, Jen, HG sorry if I'm forgetting anybody...feel like I'm giving a speech for an academy award. I think it's time for me to start checking out the "Bupe in the Rearview Mirror" section because I know my need for escapism through the use of pills and alcohol is still, and probably always will be an issue.

Goodbye Suboxone, you little evil, orange muthaf*cker! :twisted:


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 11:03 pm 
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YOU ARE A TROOPER!!

I look forward to your updates.. partly because they make me laugh and partly because I am hopeful that you make it through this crap! Um, have you not learned anything, kid? No mexican before noon (unless we're talking about a breakfast burrito, those cannot be denied!!)

Ignore those dreams best you can. Hang in there.. keep posting!


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 29, 2013 6:30 pm 
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The dreams- oh no.... Not you TOO. Just had one of them. They're fucking awful!!!!! Really really kicked me down. They are quite intense!

Keep up the good work. You're doing great!!!


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 30, 2013 2:07 pm 
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I'm very happy for you NYG, you've done something great for yourself. Keep it up buddy!


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 30, 2013 4:37 pm 
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Ah yes, the dreaded using dreams. I have actually woken up a few times feeling as guilty as if I had actually used. Your so funny NYG, mine tend to take those weird twists too. One month on the night before I had my sub doctor appt. I dreamed I found some pills and had one in my mouth ready to swallow it and then spit it out and I was freaking out that it was going to make me fail my drug test just from holding it in my mouth for a few seconds. I guess that goes to show you how much it is still in our subconscience. It becomes as much a part of us as breathing.

If I am going to have a dream that causes feelings of guilt I would much rather it involve something else that is fun to think about...KWIM?

You are doing great, just don't drop your guard and I think you will be fine. Maybe you can talk to your friends and ask them not to use in front of you or offer you any more pills. I bet if they knew how serious you are about it they would be glad to support you. It is so hard to be in that situation and stay strong. Eventually you are going to have a bad day when it is going to be almost impossible to turn it down if it is being shoved in your face. Our willpower will only go so far...you really need to come up with some kind of a solution for that problem if you are going to have long term success. If your friends are true friends they will respect your choice and be happy to help you with it.

Hope you have a good weekend! Stay strong. Seriously, this calls for deer skin and war paint and a barbaric scream.

AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 30, 2013 9:15 pm 
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Has the 'ol sex drive kicked back in yet?

I get more than just using dreams when I detox :oops:


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