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PostPosted: Tue Jun 11, 2013 6:58 am 
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I copied my intro from the introduction page and hope that this is where I can share my day's challenges as I try to change my life I will paste my intro here and then pick up at the bottom on day three which is where I am now.
Hello,
Although I usually have more time to write in the morning, today I spent a good amount of it becoming a member of this site. So, today's writing wont be very long. but I feel its an important step for me. As many people thought I never realized I would find myself sneaking off into a corner of the house to join a website and quickly trying to post something without getting caught. Not many people in my circle of life know what I am going through, so it is here that I hope to find the ability to talk. I am in my forties and years ago I had several injuries. I was prescribed pain pills to get me through. Then I had more injuries, thus more pain pills. At first they were not a problem. I took them when I needed them. Then as time went on I had more pain, thus my prescription increased. Somewhere within all that I began to notice that they helped me push through tough times. If I had a project to do on my house I could take a few extra L.T. (I am not sure of the rules and if you can post the name of the pill you took, so I will just abbreviate them). The next thing I knew the project was done. I maintained and continue to maintain a normal life. I train at the gym and am a pretty large bodybuilder. I work a regular job and sometimes a few side jobs. I take care of my house and my family. I don't blow off activities or work. BUT I have started to take more and more. I spoke with my doctor about me pain a while ago and had my meds changed from LT to OC. At first I felt that it was less peppy and didn't really like it, BUT if was stronger and the feeling of needing it increased. This continued for a pretty long time, several years. Most recently I could take 200 to 300 mgs in a day and not raise a single suspicion that I was using anything. All of my work got done. I went to the gym. I ate my six square meals and took care of my family. Then I started to think. Is this how I want to live my life? I am going pill to pill. Weekend to be able to take more and really block everything out to the next weekend. Or doctor's visit to doctor's visit hoping that my urine would show the right things so I could get my next script. I know how I got here. I had some help from the doctors but it was me that swallowed them. I know I could manage with less but I took more. I started to watch a few of my friends change. My one oldest friend had started using too. The same things just popping here and there, to not being able to stop. The difference is and I am not judging him, he began to lie. He would make plans with me a week in advance and talk about it up to the day before. Then the day of I wouldn't hear from him. He would owe me money and not pay in full, but have some ridiculous excuse. I saw him grow old and lose weight. I saw the look in his eyes that he needed something and now. Then I thought, that could be me. I was talking to a person that I know from the gym not too long ago about his life and he described his brother in law as a drunk. I thought, what if people know about me? Now Father's Day is coming and all I can think about is my baby. I have held her as I opened pill bottles and had to move it further away so that she couldn't touch them. I have had to make sure I didn't drop them so that she didn't pick them up. I have realized that I need to move past this. I know I need to. I do not have the kind of job that I can go to meetings. My family would not be a good idea. I know there are only a small handful of people in my life that I can tell. And even them I need to be careful. So here I am. I was able to get a good number of 8 mg strips. I plan on doing this with as little exposure as possible. I know that the mind plays tricks on you, yet sometimes it wins. This time I am determined and posting here is my first step. I made this decision on Saturday. I stopped my pills and took 2mgs sub before bed. I woke up and took 2mgs more. I went to the gym and started to crave. I came home and ate then took 3 mgs before doing housework. Later before bed I took 2mgs more. Today is day TWO. I am going to wrap up this post, eat breakfast, take 2mgs more and go to work. I have a bunch of strips cut up into 1mg pieces. My plan as of now is to move forward and take 1mg anytime I have a craving until I can sit down and log back into this site. I will post more later and hope to be able to read what others are doing.

If this is not the right place to post please tell me and I will change it.
I posted a bit from yesterday too.
I received a few videos, but I cant watch them without making what I am doing obvious.
Yesterday I was reflecting on just how many mgs I took before I started this road. It was a Saturday and I took somewhere around 210 mgs OC and a few LT. I would say close to 300 mgs of pills. I had a perfectly normal day. I walked with my family. I trained at the gym. I mowed the lawn and did everything a person would do. Except no one knew just what I was taking and how much. It was then I decided I would stop. Perhaps Subs are not the best, but at least for now they are a small break from what I was doing.

Today is day three without pills for me. I woke up soaked. I saw the videos and hoped I was doing the right thing.
I lost track of time. I will post later. I hope this is the right place to share. I am not sure if its the subs or withdraw from pills but I feel a bit anxious.


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 13, 2013 6:09 am 
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Well I made it to day five. I've skipped a few things but only to get other stuff done. So far I'd say I feel a bit dopy. I received ten more subs and somehow dropped one. I think it stuck to my phone and I pulled it out when I emptied my pocket it fell out. I keep checking back to my posts here. I know they are not long but I am almost always on the go and Then when its bed time I knock myself out with a sleeping pill aand 5htp and gaba.
All I keep thinking is how am I goinh to finally be free


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 13, 2013 7:12 am 
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Where you've posted is fine...this is where people tell their stories of addiction, how they got where they are, where exactly they are, and what encouragement they've had along the way. And also, just like all of us addicts, we also post our screw-ups and failures that we encounter along the way as well...

Congrats on finding this site..and more importantly, finding Suboxone. Sound pretty intelligent, and like you're the ideal candidate for Suboxone to work for just fine.

I'm not sure on how your dosing it though...how were you told to take suboxone?? Was it doctor orders to take it the way you are? Reason I say that is because you should take enough all at once to get you above the "ceiling" level...which is what it takes to cover all the pain receptors in the brain. This is usually considered to be around 4mg to 6mg...which would be half, to a little over half a strip. Also you mentioned having a lifetime of pain and injuries...you might want to consider long-term treatment with Suboxone, (as what I'm doing)...because I'll NEVER be able to be free from my addiction to opiates (painkillers)...So I would rather spend my life knowing that I'm safe and taken care of with Suboxone as my failsafe and be able to be the person I should be for my daughter...and other children who are much older than her (she's just turned 1 in February)...than to be at liberty to have something happen that throws me right back down that same old road.

Suboxone is great, it's a great tool for beating the withdrawals, but let me elaborate on something else it's great for: Pain. You can take Suboxone, and it acts similarly in the way Oxycontin and lortabs do. It attaches to the pain receptors, essentially blocking the dopamine that's generated when you take opiate pills like oxy and lortabs/vicodin. So..with the Suboxone attached and saturating the receptors, you have a shield against 1)other full agonists opiates, like Oxy, lortab, etc from attaching to those receptors...which is why it would do you absolutely NO good to even take a lortab while on Suboxone..and 2)since they are saturated, the real pain you feel in your body from injuries is treated in the same manner pain would be treated while on short-acting opiates.

Suboxone is considered a Partial Opiate Agonist. This means that is has some of the qualities of a Full Opiate Agonist, but it is far from short-acting...meaning, the half-life of Suboxone is EXTREMELY long. It takes literally weeks for Suboxone to fully detach from the pain center in the brain and leave the body, enabling the natural dopamine and dopamine developed by taking short-acting opiods to work again...

So, I hope I didn't lose you in that medical jargon, but basically it's like this: Suboxone is WONDERFUL...it's one of the BEST available options for treating opiate addiction (including Heroin)...but, Suboxone is ALSO wonderful for treating pain, it just depends on how your taking it, and how much.

Either scenario though, whether for pain, or for addiction treatment only, requires that you take enough of the Suboxone to cover the pain receptors fully, which like I mentioned above, it's generally accepted in the medical community to be around 4mg to 6mg of Suboxone to achieve this. Once you reach that "ceiling" of 4 to 6mg, then any extra that you take over that amount puts you above the ceiling...but you won't feel any difference by taking more at once. You hit that ceiling, and above that amount is sorta like a safe area/cushion for time...it's that much longer that you can wait before having to take more. Generally, the ceiling of 4mg to 6mg is considered for a 24hr period...so if you take (for instance) 24mg in 24 hours, then you have all that extra that keeps you well above the level of feeling withdrawals for quite some time. This is what builds up in your system, and makes it so that Suboxone takes such a long time to leave the body.

You're taking it and just barely getting to the ceiling level, then falling off /or below it...feeling withdrawals and taking it again..and this isn't the ideal "treatment"....because you aren't experiencing the full ability of Suboxone to make your life exceptionally better by curbing the withdrawals entirely. You want to make sure you curb all your symptoms and don't fall back into the misery zone, and by taking even an entire 8mg/2mg strip...you are achieving this.

I remember when I induced on Suboxone years ago..I've been on it for 5 years (as of July 7, 2013) and, when I first took that very first pill (back then, they didn't have the film..so it was pill form)...My body still had the sweats that night. Don't get me wrong, I was fine, and not in withdrawals...but I still had to deal with waking up soaked from sweating out that poison that I had been eating/snorting for the past 8 months straight. I had an awful habit that went in a gradual advancement....taking lortab 7.5 "specs" as we called them...for a while...then I wasn't feeling hip to them after a few months, so it was 10's..I wouldn't even consider buying 7.5's unless it was ALL I could get, and if that was the case, I was eating 3-4 at a time. Wow...acetominophen blast!!
Then, 10's began to be the same way...they just didn't rock my world like I wanted..but that was all I could get..so I ate more and more. The years went by...and my family suffered as a result of my stupidity and my disease that was addiction...because I went from a relatively small amount (around 40mg or so a week)...to around 100mg per day. When I got caught by my wife the last time (as I had been on pills when I was 22...for a year, then quit cold turkey - wasn't real heavy then, then again when I was 25...this time I went off the deep end)..she couldn't handle it. She knew that there was something going on with me...temper, attitude, the way I acted..there were signs that SOMETHING was wrong, she just couldn't place what. Add to that, we had all our shit cut-off at home...because I didn't pay the bills. I lost a DAMN good paying job...was making upward of $25 / hr...and I got the sense of "i make enough to afford this habit..."
That was OK, until I started having to stay out of work in order to find pills....because I needed the pill so I could work harder...if I didn't have them..then oh my..bad day. So I lost that job. Not a good thing to happen, but as a result...my addiction increased as my depression about losing my job increased...I got even higher to cover the pain of failure...so I increased my habit. Then bills became late...the job I had picked up was only $9/hr...from making $25/hr just a month prior...I couldn't stretch to pay bills plus afford this huge pill habit...so the first thing to go was power. One day a white truck pulled in my drive...knock on the door heard..and there he stood - the Alabama Power cut-off person. I knew why he was there, and felt my heart sink...but in the end, I couldn't pay. So that evening, after losing power...we had to move in with my inlaws....this gave me a false sense of security....I felt like "we're ok..we're living with them, and they'll take care of us until I get another job"....
From there it only got worse. I began to consider Oxycontin..which I had heard was "oh so good"...and my standards continually got lowered because of how the addict mind thinks.
Finally the day came when Oxycontin was introduced to my system. Boy was I happy....and I worked SO hard that night while at work...I was OK again. Felt great...wife noticed this sudden "burst" of pep i had....and that I was NEVER sleepy for some reason. I could go hide in the bathroom, like I was taking a shit...chop up my Oxy and eat it (didn't snort yet)...and suddenly I would come out of the bathroom like I was on fire..and all happy. I know people thought that taking a shit gave me sudden bursts of energy...we were still living with the inlaws...and wound up living there for many months...going into a couple years actually.
Then, I was told to snort the Oxy. And eventually, after wrangling with myself over it.. I did. WOW....AGAIN. I was REALLY OK then...and boy did I feel great. Except instead of eating a quarter of a Oxy 80...I was snorting a half of an Oxy 80...so I increased...
I wound up getting tossed out of my inlaws house. It wasn't by my wife or my inlaws...where they lived...was my wife's uncles trailer park. He thought I broke in his house while they were on vacation and stole things...and he booted me out because of that...My inlaws wanted me gone because of who I had become...and my wife, I know she didn't know the stranger that was the man she married anymore...so everyone was happy that the lying addict was finally gone...except me.
The only thing we had left was our home...because it's paid for. Trust me when I say if there had been a mortgage/rent/ a payment on this house, we would've lost it too...but I inherited this place...and this is where I had to come back to when I got tossed out...no power..no water...and only a home phone line. I needed help bad..and got a family member out-of-state to pay my power for me...because they werent aware of what I was doing...

This began the bad part of my addiction (it's all bad..but this was the worst).
My wife was tired...of it all. And it broke my heart, even though my highness and addiction, when she said those words to me that day. As high as I was, and as much as I DONT remember, I remember when she said that she had enough, and that she couldn't take it anymore. And she wanted to go see a lawyer. My anger ensued instead of pain and being sorrowful for what I had done to her...and I said curse words and agreed we needed to end it quickly...
I even found some other girl...and made a damn fool of myself by moving her in with me. Then...the greatest thing happened for my addiction -- this girls credit. She let me have free reign..because she didn't know what I was capable of. I was in heaven again though..but it was only a cover...I had to drown the pain from losing my wife of 10 years...and this was how I did it....with even MORE pills. And with this girl having excellent credit....I really had all I could want -- for about a month I guess. An addict NEVER has enough (money, or pills/drugs)....
But my nose was staying busy during that time...I made sure that I was high enough that I wouldn't remember much...and this is the case for the following 5 months until I hit that wall. After Christmas, I admitted to this girl that I had a problem and needed help...because I was at the end of my enjoying the high...and I was just taking shit to keep myself feeling normal. The girl found a methadone clinic that gave Suboxone...and things went forward from there. But..from Christmas, until April when I made the girl move out...I couldn't bring myself to "be" with her. The grass wasn't greener anymore on the other side..and I had literally sickened myself ...because I touched another woman. My wife and I were each others FIRSTS...at 19 and 17 when we got married...we had only been intimate a few months...
So, the girl wanted to help me...but couldn't understand why I wouldn't have anything to do with her in the bedroom. I actually slept on the couch the last 4 months she lived here...and she even tried using...some skills (involving "oral" examination)..but I still wouldn't do anything...
Once I got on Suboxone, here came the flood of emotions that I had been covering up with staying high...and I was determined to not touch her for sure then..
Wasn't long before my wife (I had been putting off signing divorce papers and draggin it out ...on purpose)...called up one night while the girl was gone to visit her mom..and wouldn't be home all weekend. She wanted to come over. I knew why..And I was in total agreement. I knew what was going to happen too...and it did.
I started picking up the pieces about 2 months later..wife came home...and we've been going strong since. Actually, had a new baby, and this time, I remember things about her being an infant. The other 3 kids...well I was high most of their infancy...and kick myself for not being more involved. But now...I'm solid..and I stand firmly on my foundation that I've built, and I'm still building on it.

Forgive me for posting an autobiography..I hope this has helped you...
And I needed to pass some time which I accomplished....now it's time to get everyone up and started on the day...we're leaving for the beach for 4 days..staying in a house we rented ...so it's time to get started on loading up.

_________________
Adam Wayne P.
DOB: July 1, 1985
October 8, 2013

RIP little brother. Gone, but not forgotten.


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 Post subject: Stay Strong
PostPosted: Thu Jun 13, 2013 9:53 am 
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Keep up the good work!! Sounds like you have a strong desire to stay clean. Make sure you keep that strong desire by remembering where you were when you were struggling. I do it by writing down all of the bad things I have done to myself or others, and the low points that I have gone through in life as an addict!! Just wanted to let you know that the people here do care and will always be here for you!! GOD BLESS YOU!!


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 13, 2013 10:37 am 
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Nice story. By writing it down, you can always re-read what you have been threw, so as not to relapse. Suboxone is a wonderful thing. You are now on the right path. It looks like the story had a good ending.


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 14, 2013 5:01 am 
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It's also a good idea to post your story or your experiences here, so that you can one day look back on this and read where you were, or things that may have happened...or if not on this site, then google for a free blog where you can keep a diary, of sorts....and keep up with things you encounter, your thought process along the way, issues you may face, what you achieve or accomplish thanks to being clean, versus what you might be doing if you weren't on this path.
I post a lot of the things I say so that 2, 5, or even 10 years from now, I can maybe come back and take a good look at what I dealt with, or things I faced (like my thread about loaning, borrowing, etc, titled "I knew better" in Freestyle area)

I'm not sure about other people, but sometimes I know my short-term, and even long-term memory is slightly affected by Suboxone. Don't get me wrong, I don't go to Wal-Mart and walk around the parking lot for 3 hours because I forgot where I parked...And I don't call my kids "Billy" either (South Park reference injected)...so chronicling things I face is a way of keeping a record, of sorts, so that I can read over it in the future...either for reference, or as a teaching tool to see what I should, or should not do, and the cause & effect of certain situations.

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Adam Wayne P.
DOB: July 1, 1985
October 8, 2013

RIP little brother. Gone, but not forgotten.


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 14, 2013 11:12 am 
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oh yeah, a blog would be cool...Diary of an Addict....I like that idea


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