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PostPosted: Sat Aug 13, 2016 11:18 pm 
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Very frustrated here and not understanding at all. I feel like I'm taking a ride on the crazy train. Can someone please help me understand what's going on? Is this just shits & giggles? Do all addicts do this back and forth dance with the opiates after they start on Sub?

My BF, Gman, has been on Sub for 6 mos. We have lived together for the past 3 yrs. We met when he was using so I have only known him as an addict. I didn't know he was a drug addict when we starting dating had I know I wouldn't have signed up for this ride but that's water under the bridge. He has always been a functioning addict. He made the decision to go on Sub and when he started said it was the best decision he has ever made. He has not done any support or recovery group or counseling which I am learning is imperative if an addict truly want to achieve long lasting change in addictive thinking patterns and behavior. I am in a support group for addicts and their family members. I've learned a lot. We both thought getting on the Sub was the big piece of the puzzle but I now realize it's just the first piece. The addict has to learn to live and manage their life and emotions without the drugs to blunt the pain. Gman has done nothing to help in this area of his recovery. He is essentially what is known as a "dry drunk".

Gman had his first relapse that lasted 3 days about 3 weeks ago. He was in the hospital about 2 weeks ago did not tell docs he was a recovering addict so when the nurse brought Percocet he took it without blinking an eye. Now tonight he comes home from work and I see him take a Vicodin and I said what are you doing? He said I'm just taking one it's been a long day I need this. I said are you not taking your Sub? He said he was. He said he just needs one pill it been a long day. I said you won't feel anything from it because of the Sub so why take it? He said it just one you don't expect me to never take a pill do you? I said I don't get it you said you never wanted to take the pills again. I was dumbfounded to see him taking that pill and that we were having this conversation.

Right now our relationship is pretty much in shambles. I love Gman but I know that me loving him is not enough to sustain a healthy relationship and certainly won't give me what I need. These past 6 months haven't been a cake walk. Actually, it has been a living hell but I have been determined to stick by him and not duck and run.

To see him take this pill and say what he said that made it obvious that staying away from opiates is not his goal at least not in this moment. I know an addict's thinking tends to be "of the moment" so that brings me back to square the ne I f he does nothing I am dumbfounded. I want a healthy relationship with a man who makes Very frustrated here and not understanding at all. I feel like I'm taking a ride on the crazy train. Can someone please help me understand what's going on? Is this just shits & giggles? Do all addicts do this back and forth dance with the opiates after they start on Sub?

My BF, Gman, has been on Sub for 6 mos. We have lived together for the past 3 yrs. We met when he was using so I have only known him as an addict. I didn't know he was a drug addict when we starting dating had I know I wouldn't have signed up for this ride but that's water under the bridge. He has always been a functioning addict. He made the decision to go on Sub and when he started said it was the best decision he has ever made. He has not done any support or recovery group or counseling which I am learning is imperative if an addict truly want to achieve long lasting change in addictive thinking patterns and behavior. I am in a support group for addicts and their family members. I've learned a lot. We both thought getting on the Sub was the big piece of the puzzle but I bow realize it's just the first piece. The addict has to learn to live and manage their life and emotions without the drugs to blunt the pain. Gman has done nothing to help in this area of his recovery. He is essentially what is known as a "dry drunk".

Gman had his first relapse that lasted 3 days about 3 weeks ago. He was in the hospital about 2 weeks ago did not tell docs he was a recovering addict so when the nurse brought Percocet he took it without blinking an eye. Now tonight he comes home from work and I see him take a Vicodin and I said what are you doing? He said I'm just taking one it's been a long day I need this. I said are you not taking your Sub? He said he was. He said he just needs one pill it been a long day. I said you won't feel anything from it because of the Sub so why take it? He said it just one you don't expect me to never take a pill do you? I said I don't get it you said you never wanted to take the pills again. I was dumbfounded to see him taking that pill and that we were having this conversation.

Right now our relationship is pretty much in shambles. I love Gman but I know that me loving him is not enough to sustain a healthy relationship and certainly won't give me what I need. These past 6 months haven't been a cake walk. Actually, it has been a living hell but I have been determined to stick by him and not duck and run.

To see him take this pill and say what he said that made it obvious that staying away from opiates is not his goal at least not at this moment. I know addict's tend to think mostly in "the moment" so that brings me back to square one. He has to change his addictive thinking and behavior. I am dumbfounded. I want a healthy relationship with a man who makes our relationship first priority in his life. If Gman is using the drugs will be his priority. I'm sad and scared. I love this man. I don't want to have to give him up but I don't believe he would choose life with me over the drugs.

Any advice and words of encouragement are appreciated.

Thanks,

Pops
our relationship first priority in his life. If Gman is using the drugs will be his priority. I'm so sad and scared. I love this man. I don't want to have to give him up but I don't believe he would choose life with me over the drugs.

Any advice and words of encouragement are appreciated.

Thanks,

Pops 8)


Last edited by popsicletoes on Fri Aug 19, 2016 3:52 pm, edited 3 times in total.

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 14, 2016 9:17 am 
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Pops,

You are in love with a DRUG ADDICT. A USEING DRUG ADDICT, Not A Dry Drunk as they say. I feel for you,I do.
You are hopeing for change in him. It is rare to see real change in an opiate addict. It takes hard work and even then just how much change happens.
I can only speak for myself and the many ive been with in sub support meetings, but success is measured in a number of ways.
We are in the realm of Harm Reduction. That is what your Gman is doing.
He has gone this route and so far he seems happy enough or clean enough for him. Where this takes him in the loug run is unknown. This is where your having a problem.
However, the chances are some day, maybe sooner than later he will enter a full blown relapse. Just my opinion. I surely hope not.

Heres the thing, Opiate Addiction is so powerful that even the greatest of love can be powerless. Sorry, it was true with me. It takes, it robs, it doesn't care. :twisted: :)

Imo, he just isn't ready to stop or get into other recovey programs. And even then, He has to Want it. HE does..

Been following your posts since you came here. Your doing the best you can , just make sure you take care of You Pops.




Razor58...


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 14, 2016 9:22 am 
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Hello again Pops.

Sounds like not a lot has changed since 3 weeks ago. Does his doctor drug test and if he does then does he care that his patient comes bk with a positive urine screen? How's Gman getting away with casually taking pills, I'd be a nervous wreck because my Dr is pretty strict (which I have no problems with).

To answer ur question, it's complicated. If an addict isn't in recovery then yes ur going to be in a constant bk and forth and drugs will more than likely come first. Mother's continue using over their kids Pops, that's the ugly part of addiction. BUT...if an addict is in recovery and truly committed to stopping the madness, then recovery becomes the number one priority....because we don't want to go bk to the hell of active addiction and lose everyone we love. I don't know where Gman is in all this but it's sounding like he's not fully committed to recovery and that could eventually lead bk to his old life. It IS a crazy train to someone who isn't an addict and it's a death train for the addict.

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 14, 2016 11:52 am 
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Hey Razor & Jenn,

Yes it's me again the saga continues. I feel like I'm in a bad dream and can't wake up. I get what both of you're saying - sobriety is like pregnancy you can't be a little sober either you are or your not. I really thought Gman was committed to staying clean at least as much as not just choosing to take the pills. I believe the relapse three weeks ago was related to his inability to deal with the emotions from the situations at work and involving his sons. It was gut wrenching for me hearing and seeing how hurt and upset he was and him not feeling like he could talk about it with me. I saw him stuff all those feelings and let the pills manage his emotions during that 3 days. I was more understanding about this relapse. He doesn't even know I know about this one.

The thing last night was just blatant out in the open. He didn't care if I saw him taking the pill and when I said "WTF are you doing?" His attitude was so nonchalant with the response "will you cool it it's just one what do you think I'm never going to take a pill ever again?" It pissed me off because the past 6 months have been a royal bitch and to know this is how he is thinking? Here I am attending a support group learning everything I can and he is doing this? Huge slap in the face.

As far as his doc, this weekend sent his doc an email giving him all the details about what's been going on with all this. His doc is reputable and will address the situation hopefully in a way that can keep me out of it. Gman expects me to keep his secrets too. He will see me telling his doc as a huge betrayal in our relationship but obviously I am willing to take that risk. I believe he may have told his doc he is in some type of recovery program I am telling his doc the truth the email. I am also asking the doc to start doing random drug tests weekly if possible.

Right now all I can see is me having to leave him and that is something that I don't want to do but something his addiction will force me to do. Gman was the first man had trusted in a long time even though he is an addict. I have been able to trust him with my emotions and he has always made me feel safe. Those two things have slowly been eroding away. As long as he is actively using, our life offers me very little and require a great deal from me. I say it requires a great deal not because he is demanding but because of the way I'm wired to be in a relationship - I'm an all in kind of woman. I love Gman like I never knew I could love a man. I am thankful we met later in life hoping we would spend our second half of life together but I guess I need to accept that opiates are going to steal all that from me. The hardest thing to accept is Gman is going to choose taking pain pills over loving me and having me in his life that's going to hurt like hell.

I wish I could understand the addictive mindset. It probably wouldn't make anything easier but I might at least be able to see the logic in losing all the good things you have in your life for a handful of f'ing pills.

I guess at this point nothing short of a miracle will turn this situation around.


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 14, 2016 12:00 pm 
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He just took his Sub like last night never happened WTF? Taking only one Vicodin I wouldn't imagine he even got a buzz because the Sub blocked it. Was taking that pill just a psychological craving? Don't know whether I am more pissed or feeling more sorry for him.

Pops :roll:


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 14, 2016 2:12 pm 
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Believe it or not Pops, thats a good thing. He took his sub. Better than useing. Much.better. A,so, ya, you can be "alittle sober ", that is what Harm Reduction is. We don't seem to use this term around here much, but that is what it is., to me anyway. I used to get hung up on all the Clean/dirty " traditional recovery labels Today it is quality of life that counts.

How is the over all quality of your lives today? Im not giving him an out here, he needs to do more for himself. If that happens you both win. Hes having such a hard time getting hit at work, then the boys, useing, then you. The pressures are to great to handlewithout recovey tools. He has none from what it sounds. I feel for him. Been there.

Im sorry your working harder at this than him , that would be or feel like a slap in the face. But, uno, when we are in active addiction it iisn't his problem. Its YOUR problem. Not his. He can do as he wishes. I did. Eferyone else did all the worrying and crying, not me, until....

He may need his bottom razed. Idk. If you did some drastically he may try harder or send him down deeper. Either way it could motivate him. Its tricky and hard to do on your end.

Keep talking to him about this. The fact you emailed the dr is good. He will be pissed off. I would be. Your fighting to Not be a co depended person in his life. So don't. You sure must love this guy. He must be a good one. Hang in tbere .


And our mindset?, heck even after 5 years I still have no idea why i became the monster i was on thoses damn pills..




Razor


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 14, 2016 3:22 pm 
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I understand what you're saying about idea of Harm Reduction thinking. This is what I know Gman has 55 yrs of hard living that has resulted in more pain than any one person should be subjected to in a lifetime. He has told me bits and pieces of situations he was subjected to and situations he put others through. He puts a heavy burden on himself. When I have told how much I love and appreciate hm he tells me that he is a bad person and if I knew all he's done in his life I wouldn't love him. This doesn't boil down to just being an addict but Gman doesn't love himself. I know I could analyze this every which way but I try not to do that to keep my sanity.

I'm trying not to paint my world all rainbows and glitter if anything am trying to keep it a bit more on the negative side so won't be crushed if he never chooses sobriety and I have to make myself walk away. It will be a case of me having to MAKE myself turn and walk away will be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

I am encouraged by your words that being "a little sober" is better than using. I don't believe Gman really wants to use so it's that twisted f'ed up addict thinking. in a I have been so hopeful and always looking on the positive side that I'm starting to get "gun-shy". I hate that I'm getting this way because this really isn't me but I think getting this way as a form of protecting myself if that makes any sense.

I am going to see the idea of "harm reduction" as a positive and keep on keeping on and see what happens at his next dr. appt maybe we will get that miracle. Gman has enough health issues that with those alone are reason enough to be serious about jetting sober but there again logic doesn't play a role in this scenario.

Praying for a miracle still.

Pops :oops:


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 15, 2016 2:06 am 
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Pops, when I first started sub I had to go to intensive outpatient. I also went to three NA meetings a week and didn't use. I got a sponsor and stopped all contact with using friends. I got hooked on pills using an online pill mill. When the pharmacy was busted, they got found a new pharmacy and did business by phone rather then internet to avoid law enforcement. I got rid of my phone. You should be seeing this type of change in your BF. I wish you the best. Please find someone that you can talk to. Your boyfriend sounds like he can justify anything that he wants to. Trust your instincts and don't buy into his B.S.


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 17, 2016 9:42 pm 
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I wish Gman wanted sobriety 1/10th as much as you do Jeandianne. I applaud your efforts and desire to do whatever it takes to make sobriety a reality in your life. I can't even begin to tell you how much this will mean to your relationships both present and future.

It feels like I am on a roller coaster ride that I can't get off of. Our daily life is not so out of control but it's more my emotions are on the roller coaster. I vacillate between a place of being supportive and loving him while detaching and being in a place where I feel like I have to be preparing myself mentally and emotionally to be heartbroken and crushed when Gman relapse and chooses using pills than being sober and a relationship with me. Emotionally I am a wreck.


UPDATE
Gman told me tonight he is not going to see his Sub doc this month he says he cannot afford the doc appt. I think this is a lie. I think the 3 day binge he had 3 weeks ago was the first slide down a slippery slope and was the beginning of full relapse back to using pills. I asked him are you going to start taking pills again? He said no. I ask him what about the withdrawals from Sub? He said I don't think I will have any. I just left it there. He obviously thinks I am stupid.

So now after being physically clean of pf pain pills for 6 months Gman is going to go "cold turkey" off Sub and not go back to using pills? Is THIS remotely possible? Based on what I've read and I've read a lot I don't think it is. It wouldn't be possible for even a freaking drug addict superman. I just want to take both fist and start beating the crap out of Gman and scream why are you doing this to you??? Why are you doing this to us??? Why can't you just get fucking well??? Get better?? Stop being so fucking selfish and get honest and get real and face your stuff. This man has someone in his life who isn't going to duck and run who isn't going to judge him who can handle the bad stuff no matter how bad it is but he would rather choose these pills than choose someone who want to be there for him and walk along beside him in life. I fucking hate these pills and this addiction!!!!

So here I am getting ready to watch him go off Sub cold turkey according to him. What do I expect as far as withdrawals? If there are no withdrawals does that mean he is already taking pills again?

What do I do now? I came here because he was taking Sub now he's stopping the Sub. Is there any hope for my Gman? I am going to continue going to my recovery support group. Any advice for me as to how I need to handle the relationship if he does go back to using? If he does go back to using will it get to the point where it did that he will hate chasing the pills, hate the pill side effects and want to be off them and turn to Sub again? Do some addicts get into a relapse/recovery cycle? I don't even know what questions to ask. My brain is on overload knowing he is choosing to stop taking Sub.

Words of encouragement, advice, anything and everything appreciated. I'm beside myself and at a loss not knowing what to do or say next.

Pops :?


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 17, 2016 10:55 pm 
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I'm skimming a bit to get to the end of the posts, but I think I'm caught up. People who work with addiction see the same thing happen over and over. One of the most interesting things about addiction, from my perspective, is how predictable it is. I have seen so many people stop buprenorphine or methadone prematurely, after less than a year of stability. In almost all cases the person is certain he/she will not use again. I will point out what I'm saying now-- that everyone says that, and yet everyone ends up using again. And I always here the same response-- 'I'm different, doc. I'm not one of those people. I know the numbers, but I'm REALLY serious.'

So pops, I think anyone who works in the field, who is honest with you, will tell you that your BF is going to be using opioids again. Is it possible that he won't? Yes-- just like it is possible that there will be a major earthquake in Wisconsin tomorrow morning. Neither are very likely though. So, do you think I should stop going to work, and instead stay out in the middle of a field all day to avoid the earthquake? Probably not. It is not a good idea to plan one's life around things that probably won't happen.

In the same way, you are planning your life around things that probably won't happen. One of the horrible things about addiction is how it affects 'innocent' people-- people who aren't using, who have no ability to control whether the using person makes good or bad decisions. So those who love and stay with addicts are cursed to be dragged along with the addict into one misery after another.

The best advice for people attached to active addicts is to detach. I don't know all of your reasons for staying. But when you try to guess about the future, your best guess would be to assume that he is still using in that future-- because that is the most-likely scenario. The way that usually changes is by the person becoming miserable enough to desire change... and that often requires loved ones to abandon the person. In other words, the irony is that he is more likely to get better, IF you leave him, making him lonely and miserable. He might go very far down... and he could even die from his addiction. That's just the truth that you are asking for.

I often meet with parents of young addicts, asking if they should let the kid keep living in the basement, using heroin.... or if instead they should toss the kid to the curb. They fear that if they put their kid out, that he/she will die-- and they will be at fault. In those horrible situations I point out the many, many young people who die in their parents' basements. Maybe if those kids were forced to their 'rock bottom' sooner, they would have found reasons to seek help. Of course nobody can say what the right thing is for sure-- all we can do is understand the odds, and remember what usually happens.

I hope you find peace. You may need to find it on your own, at least initially.


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 17, 2016 11:36 pm 
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Thank you for your reply Dr. J. Like I said the roller coaster is my emotions and in my brain. I know the daily roller coaster is coming with Gman going off the Sub and knowing he is going to return to opiates.

I would give anything to be able to hate him. If he would do something - anything to give me a reason to hate him. So far he has never done that. Maybe your thinking being a self-center addict is reason enough to hate him and that maybe I'm the one who is screwed in the head.

I dread what going back to using the pills means all the money spent on pills, his having to chase them being associated with low-life, questionable people, the physical issues, sleep issues, no sexual desire on his part, no hope of him getting in a recovery group and the list goes on and on. It wears me out just thinking about it. Your description of being cursed by being dragged into one misery after another is a very good way to put it.

I was so hopeful when he told me he had decided to start on Sub because he was done with pills tired of chasing the pills. I just knew it was a new chapter in our life during those first few weeks when he told me how much better he felt physically and how he would NEVER take pills again.

I understand what you are saying about how the rock bottom may never come as long as I am in his life. Knowing him las well as I do and knowing how he will run from his feelings when the time comes that I leave he will not try to stop me. He won't say please don't. Even if it's killing him inside even if he wants me in his life he won't step up and say what do I need to do for you not to walk out of my life?
He will tell himself he doesn't need me and he knew it was just a matter of time before I let him down because I'm like all the others who said they were different but in the end were selfish.

I'm full of sadness, fear, and anger at the moment. These past 6 months have been for naught. He had the opiates out of his body for 6 months and now what's next? He's going to pollute his body all over again? Does he think he's the only one who has lived the last 6 months? I know enough to know that I can't expect him to choose sobriety because I want him to be sober. Gman has to choose sobriety because he wants sobriety. I am so angry he is going to throw away the past 6 months that I made an investment in with him like they don't matter.

I'm very disappointed and very sad. It feels like I am experiencing a death of a relationship all over again. A relationship I was hoping was going to be made new again.


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 18, 2016 9:07 am 
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This is such a heartbreaking thread, full of hope, full of disappointment, full of truth. (Dr J).

He isn't done yet Pop. Im sorry . That misery doc was sleaking speaking of for the future is here now isnt it?

I suppose he could see the light if you left. I just don't know. Nobody does. As the dr said, this is so predictable . We either want it or we don't.

Glad your still going to support meeti gs, that is great. Time to protect yourself .

As I believe I posted here before, I WAS Gman at one time. I thought ALL away once. I had even mlre invested. It didn't matter then. That was before id even heard of suboxone.

Wish he would just do the program. ....



Razor


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 18, 2016 11:38 pm 
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Ah Razor my emotions have run the gamut from sad to disappointment to anger to heartbroken. Like I said the roller coaster I'm riding right now is inside me. I am thankful I am going to my support group now more than ever. I was there tonight and asked them if I could continue to come even though I am no longer the significant other of an addict seeing sobriety. They told me absolutely I am welcome because now I am seeking recovery from my addiction to this relationship with an actively using addict.

I am feeling emotions I have NEVER felt before. For example I am so angry at him. Angry because I now know he can choose to not use the pills. He can make a better choice but he chooses pills. He chooses the path of destruction. I want to say to him if you're going to CHOOSE a destructive path then man up and have the balls to tell me that your back to using pills and tell your coworkers that your a pill head and tell your mother and your boys your a pain pill addict. Don't make me the heavy being the only one who know this secret. I'm that pissed off. Before I saw him as a fragile addict needing help. I'm not seeing him that way now. Am I being too had on him?i. I don't feel like it but maybe I'm just wanting to hurt hm. I am human ya know.

I am angry because I know at some point this addiction is going to be the reason I have to let go and walk away and he is going to let me walk. He won't try to stop me even if he doesn't want me to go he won't try to stop me. He will tell himself that he knew I would end up letting him down in the long run. As much as I love Gman I have only two choices - I can stay and take what little he offers in the way of a relationship which is nothing. He is not invested in a relationship with me. He takes care of my needs and well being but he's not invested emotionally or intimately on any level. I have been doing 100% of the work to keep the relationship going. He likes living with me and I think in his mind that is a relationship. It is not a relationship at all for me. The other choice is to leave and take care of me and know that I did love him and probably will forever and I did give it my all. I did everything I knew to do to help him, to cure him to fix him so we could stay together because at the end of the day that's what I wanted more than anything was for us to be together in a healthy loving relationship. THIS breaks my heart. He will NEVER know how much I LOVED HIM. Who am I fooling here he probably doesn't care that I love him because he loves pills and being an addict and hiding in a fake world were the pills numb him out so he never really feels one true fucking emotion ever (yeah I think I'm a little angry).

I'm sad because I know this relapse means that the chance of sobriety is dead. The chance that his Sub doc might have been able to motivate him to seek a recovery support group. I feel my hope of getting to love and grow old with Gman are dying as he slips back into active addiction. There's a lot of pain yet to come and I'm having to brace myself and I'm sacred and just not up for it but have no choice. What Dr. J said is so true about how the addict drags innocent people along through the shit.

If I could sum it up I feel like a passenger on the Titanic. I know the ship going down and I feel the panic but the boat is still afloat. I can see how, if you let it, life could go on forever in this kind of place where the addict is happy because you're not asking any effort of them and they are enjoying all the benefits of a relationship. I am not spring chicken but I'm not over the hill either and I'd like to think there is still time for me to find a man who wants the same things in life and love that I do in the second half of their life.

I'm like you why can't Gman just work the fucking program? :evil:

Pops


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 19, 2016 8:46 am 
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Pops this sucks and believe it or not I've been exactly where ur at. Before I became addicted, I was in a relationship and then married an addict in active addiction...that relationship eventually took me down a very dark rd that ended up with me becoming addicted too. After 2 yrs of loving this person and having my youngest child with this person, I finally knew the hope of him changing was gone and instead of choosing to be without him permanently, I joined him. I still can't believe it happened that way as I type this, it's heartbreaking. He didn't change for the better and I changed for the worst....and we ended up splitting up in the end anyhow. The only good thing from that relationship is my 10 yr old son. My son and I have not saw or spoken to him in probably 8 yrs and I'm good with that as bad as it sounds.

I went into that relationship blind thinking that if an addict went through rehab, they were fine. I literally had no real personal experience with addiction at all. Everything was great in the beginning until he relapsed and lost his job, no money, started taking things from my home...ugh classic signs. I would get mad and try to leave but go bk. Then I became pregnant and felt like I had to stay especially since he promised he was done and would stop. He didn't, the day my son was born, he was getting out of another rehab 6 hrs away and wasn't even there, my brother was there instead of him. That rehab stint didn't work either. He then started methadone and it worked great. Then he switched to suboxone and lasted 1 month and said it was too expensive and stopped. It was full on using after that. I suffered horrible headaches and one day he gave me an oxycodone and the rest is history.

The reason I'm telling u this is because u can't put urself through this for someone who may or may not change, it isn't fair to u. Can Gman change and get bk into recovery, yes it's possible. But it's always going to be him working his damndest to stay in recovery, admit he's in need of help and work like hell at it. He's not there right now. And u can't excuse any relapse regardless if it's because he went through something painful or not....there's going to be plenty of painful things in life and addicts have to learn to deal with it just like everyone else instead of looking to pills to numb that pain. Because just 1 single pill will spark that demon and take us bk into full blown relapse...which is what I think happened to Gman.

I thought I'd never love someone the way I loved my son's father, we were highschool sweethearts and my first love. I was so excited to have found him again after all those yrs. But I found the actual love of my life 5 yrs ago and couldn't imagine not finding him. Sometimes there's something better waiting for u even though u may not think so. I hope this story helps ya a little bit Pops.

Good luck :)

_________________
Jennifer


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 19, 2016 10:54 am 
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Wow Jenn I feel like I should be thankful for the good times and move along after reading how things went down for you. I can't imagine ending up an addict myself but I can see how feeling this hopeless about the situation would make a person want to numb the pain of the truth. The pain I am feeling is horrible. I can hardly look at him without anger and sadness not welling up inside me wanting to pour out. I've never had that kind of emotional response to any other person ever.

I have read the stats on relapse for opiate addicts and the dismal recovery stats. I know the future isn't looking rosy here at all. Heck he's so arrogant right now that he thinks I'm so dumb to think that he is going to just stop taking Sub and have no withdrawal issues. It really pisses me off that he thinks he is so much smarter than me or either thinks I'm just that fucking stupid what I want to say is "hey moron, you're a pill addict so stop acting like Einstein I knew you started taking pills weeks ago MOFO". I am really angry can you tell?

Thank you for sharing your story. I can tell I have a lot of years on you but I know that staying in with Gman in his present condition offers me no kind of life. I know he has to want sobriety and has to be going after it like his life depended on it. He didn't do that while taking the Sub this time around and like you said, I can't hang my hope on that he will ever do it. He thought taking the Sub was doing the job. Obviously, it wasn't because look where we are now. When I confront him about being back on pills he is going to say it was a money issue which I believe can only be true because he started paying for pills again. Yesterday I found a crumpled up envelope in the bathroom closet an empty pill bottle with no label in the bedroom closet all signs of pills being a part of his life again. I put both those on the dresser next to his stuff he hasn't said a word about how did these get here or oh I see you found these let me explain.

Daily life with Gman is not the problem at all. He works and make a good living. Now being back on the pills the money will be tight but the bills will be paid there just won't be any extra for fun stuff or for life's emergencies which makes things tough because emergencies happen. He is easy to live with when he is taking the pills. And that's the extent of life with Gman on pills. He will not invest in me or us as a couple emotionally. He will not invest himself intimately with me. We won't have a physical connection unless I initiate it and we won't have sexual intimacy because I don't look for the current state of ED and low libido to get better with continued use of opiates. It's already been 9 months since we have had sex or he has even touched me in any loving way at all so this alone is pretty much killing everything as well.

I appreciate your sharing your story. It gives me hope that when I walk out of his life and move forward without him that someone better is out there for me. I don't think it could get much worse than what I am involved with now a person who is here but wants nothing to do with me emotionally, sexually, or relationally who is happy just living in the same house with me. Wow THAT'S pathetic! Gman calls that a relationship or maybe the joke is on me he may be sitting back having the last laugh saying how stupid I am for being here. I don't know what to think anymore my brains are like scrambled eggs these days. I'm a very smart woman and have always been a very confident, together woman but this relationship has made me doubt myself in every way.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I never like to hear that someone gets sucked into this horrible disease but your being willing to share your story helps me realize I'm not alone in the desire to want this relationship to work no matter what but sometimes no matter what a person does they just never work because you're dealing with an addict. Right now, I wish I'd never met Gman. I have nothing good to show for the past three years. All I have to show is three years of my life standing still while I work to make sure he is okay and happy thinking in the end he will stop taking pills and we will have a healthy relationship. I have been such a fool.

Pops


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 19, 2016 3:50 pm 
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For everyone who has been following this saga here's the latest, Gman had an appt with his Sub doc this morning. :shock: I know right? I am in shock. Thankful but in utter disbelief.

Here is how things went down. Two nights ago Gman told me he was not going to continue Sub. I had an email ready to send to his doc with details about all the problems during the past month re the 3 day pill binge, mood issues, etc, etc. Even though Gman said he would not be going back to the doc I decided to send the email to the doc anyways with an explanation at the very beginning explaining that he may or may not see Gman again and why but that I wanted him to have the email just in case Gman made the smart choice and decided to remain on his Sub. I sent this email to the doc on Wednesday.

I get a call from the doc mid-morning today wanting to ask me for a few more details because he is pulling up to his office and Gman is there waiting for him. You could have knocked me over with a feather when I heard this. The doc told me he was going to make participation in a recovery support non-negotiable and make it that Gman would be required to be accountable with proof of weekly attendance. The doc told me he had been skeptical for a few months that something was not quite right because at every appt Gman tells him everything is fine no issues, no problems noting that life is perfect. The doc told me that was already a red flag and he was watching Gman closely.

Now fast forward to around 12:30 all the sudden Gman walks in the door here at home and I'm like what are you doing home? He said "I just saw Dr. Z I'm going to stay on my Sub". I said that's great. I'm glad you decided to go see him. He said I didn't Dr. Z called me this morning wanting to know why I had not scheduled an appt to get my script and I told him that there was a money issue this month and he told me to come into the office that he would work something out he didn't want me to have to stop taking the Sub. I just played along like "wow". I am so glad I sent the email to the doc and let him know what was going on. He gave Gman the opportunity to choose Sub. I'm not fooling myself I know he has slid down that slippery slope already but am hopeful the doc making recovery support group non-negotiable will make him at least give recovery an honest try. I know it may not stick at all.

I'm more mixed up emotionally than ever now. What I wouldn't give to be able to have a honest and open conversation with Gman but I know I would do all the talking and whatever he said it would just be whatever he thought I wanted to hear. I will give this some time and maybe my emotions will settle down. I am trying to get there. While I am thankful that Dr. Z is the type of Dr. Who cares more about his patients than his bottom line and God I pray this is the beginning of a new chapter for Gman I am still really angry. Angry in a way that I want to tell him that the only reason the doc called him and was so generous was because I gave him a heads up about the reality of the situation and if it weren't for me loving him enough to contact his doc he would taking his pain pills back to opiate hell.

Praying Gman will finally just work the fucking program not for me but for him.

Pops :?


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 19, 2016 7:29 pm 
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I care about how people do, but I've become numbed to the nonsense that I hear from patients trying to 'play' me-- who sweart their sincerity one moment, and then return to using and lies a few hours later. I have about 450 patients now-- 100 on buprenorphine, and 350 on methadone. In Wisconsin, doctors at methadone clinics are now required to meet patients before any dose change, up or down-- so while that creates incredible hardship for programs, it also forces physicians to know their patients much better than they used to, when one visit allowed for a seried of dose changes.

There are patients who clearly want to do well. And there are other patients who clearly aren't ready to get things right. Then there are the people in the middle, who beg for help one moment, and lie about their behaviors later. That middle group is hard to figure out-- and it sounds like your BF is in that group.

I hope he gets it, pops. But you should get prepared, physically and emotionally, to move on. He will do better if he knows you are able to leave. He won't WANT you in that position-- but he will do better if you are there-- 'there' being in a position to leave.

Good luck!


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