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PostPosted: Sun Aug 23, 2015 3:49 am 
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Hi I am new to posting on this forum, or any forum for that matter! Quick background - I have struggled with opiate addiction since 2011, at which time I hurt my hip in a yoga class (I believe). I was put on percocet for a couple of weeks, but when the pain subsided, I continued to use the pills to "relax after work" because I was going through a very difficult time raising two teenage boys on my own (my husband was killed in a car accident a few years before, making me a widow at age 28.) I then met a man who was caring for his father who was on oxycodone for pain issues. He gave me some of the little blue pills at the start of my relationship with his son, and I slowly but surely became addicted and was soon stealing them any chance I got, as well as buying them off the streets, and hitting up urgent cares left and right. Oddly enough, I never doctor shopped, I think I was just too lazy and anyway I was getting them for free from my boyfriend's dad for the most part. He received a huge bottle every month, and I skimmed off the top to feed my addiction. I think he noticed, but never said anything. Anyway, 4 years and 2 detox visits later (and one failed rehab attempt, long story short couldn't leave my kids for 30 days as one has down syndrome and i had no one to care for him) I am on suboxone for the 3rd time and have been on it now for 5 or 6 months and want OFF. I promised myself I would do 3 months, but whenever I try to stop I CANNOT seem to to do it because of the insomnia and restless legs. I am only on a small amount of suboxone. I cut an 8mg strip into about 10 pieces so I'm guessing that's about .20 or .25 sometimes per night? I was just doing it at night every day after work, but as time has gone on, I've been taking a little more in the afternoons at work...maybe around 1pm I take a tiny piece (the size of a nerd candy maybe?) and then again in the evening. I am currently experiencing a huge amount of depression as the suboxone makes me so lazy and unmotivated. I literally just make it to work and home to my room to lie in bed and watch tv and read. I do the minimal cleaning in my house and I don't remember the last time I cooked a meal for my boys. It's been frozen meals or takeout for over a year now, maybe longer...to be honest def longer. I used to cook every night. I used to be a different mom/person entirely before this opiate addiction took over my life. My family and friends think I am off suboxone. They would be horrified if they knew. I know I need to start trying to decrease/skip days, but I can't do it alone, and I live alone (my 17 year old is never home, and when he is doesn't speak to me, and my 19 year old with DS is with me 24/7, but of course doesn't understand). I am so terribly lonely and depressed. When I'm home, I lay around watching crime shows or lifetime movies for hours on end, not doing anything i could or should be doing. I have things I need to do that I've been putting off for years! Like obtaining guardianship of my disabled son, I have all the paperwork, but need to get it submitted to the court and filled out by doctors. I literally dread mornings, because the thought of going through the motions of another day is awful to me right now..nothing brings me happiness and joy. I've put on over 30 pounds in this whole ordeal. I feel like my hair is falling out, well it is most definitely thinning out. My relationship is super dysfunctional and I am ultimately just a terribly unhappy person living in the desert of phoenix extreme heat which doesnt help because I cant just "go for walks". I know what i need to do. I just wish I had someone to help because I can't seem to do it alone. Sorry for this rambling rant with terrible grammar mistakes! :cry: :cry:


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 23, 2015 8:48 am 
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Gem,

Welcome to the site! I'm sure others will be along shortly to give you much more qualified advice, but I will give you some of my thoughts in the mean time. I'm not a doctor or professional. Much like you, I started using opioids for pain.

Gem, you said that you visited "urgent cares left and right. Oddly enough, I never doctor shopped...". Going to different urgent care facilities is doctor shopping.

You really have a lot going on in your life and it has to be a struggle to try to keep up with all your responsibilities! By the way, 17 year olds rarely speak to parents...once he turns 21 he'll be a great friend again.

Based on what I read in your post, I believe you need to be on more Suboxone for a longer period of time. It doesn't sound like you've had time to successfully deal with the root issues causing the addiction. The dose you're on right now, though, isn't adequately meeting your needs. An 8 mg. strip divided into 10 pieces would make 0.8 mg doses. It sounds like you're keeping yourself in a constant state of mild withdrawal. I would really recommend going on a therapeutic dose and working with some type of counselor to address all the underlying problems.

Please keep us posted,
Morphing


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 23, 2015 10:40 am 
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I Agree with Morph.
You def have alot going on. And the amount of Sub your doing is minimal to no therapeutic value to you. I'm on/in Day 14 of Sub wds. Jumped off at 16mg 2 8mg strips a day. It has been awful awful awful. But I've hung in there. Even though the addict me doesn't want that badly. I feel for you. But you need to either up the dose, feel better and get life around. Or jump. I'm so sorry you are hurting so badly. I wish you the best.


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 23, 2015 12:45 pm 
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Hey gem and glad ur here!

I agree with morphing 100%. You're keeping urself in constant withdrawal. Ur doing such a low dose, no wonder u feel like crap 24/7. U must feel horrible. I don't know why u want off suboxone after only a few months, I honestly think ur not giving sub a fair shot at showing u just how amazing this medication can be. It actually took me a good month or two just to stabilize on it and get rid of the sleepiness. I also agree with the other poster that said u should either stop taking it or go up on ur dose a few milligrams. If it were me, I'd go up, especially all that u have going on right now and with the depression type feeling ur having. I totally support u wanting to go off sub too, I just think u didn't give it enough time to work like it should yet.

I know some ppl say that sub makes them lazy and unmotivated, but that's just never been my experience with it. I'm able to clean, cook, socialize, and just feel incredibly blessed that my active addiction days are over. U can feel like that too. If u decide that u just want no part of it anymore, then if I were u I'd jump and stop taking the tiny pieces. By taking this low of a dose, ur going to keep feeling bad and I know how bad that sucks.

Keep in mind, this is only my opinion and I'm no Dr, just a sub taker myself. I hate to see u suffering from this. U deserve to feel better and it seems like u got a lot going on too. I truly hope u feel better and figure out what's best for ya. U can have all the support u want here. Good luck!!!

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Jennifer


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