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PostPosted: Tue Apr 02, 2013 9:46 pm 
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I came across this site when I first began taking suboxone. Life began to seem wonderful again and I came to feel love life family my husband etc. I never have posted on this before but I've always read.on other.topics. And mostly everyone is very positive and helpful. So I ask this I've been on suboxone since August 2012 about a month ago I cut down to about 2Mg every other day. as the first week passed I ran.into an old friend/dealer and then I had a.flashback of the wonderful.high. And I caved in :( it is the most fearful feeling and a great sense of guilt and betrayal to my kids and my husband. I've been on this binge for 3 Weeks and I misses my appt with my doctor. I'm scared of her response and scared of her kicking me out of recovery. Will they give me another chance? I can't do this anymore I've been a very dark mindatate since I've been hiding this. I need words of wisdom and do I tell my doctor? I am scared of wd.I'm using about 160 Mg.of.oc. And I know I have to wait a.very long time for it to clear my system


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 Post subject: get back in the saddle
PostPosted: Tue Apr 02, 2013 10:40 pm 
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Nelly, you have an illness. Relapses occur. Return to your doc, get induced again and move on. They shouldn't kick you to the curb if this was your first. Your doc might be upset, but it would because of fear that they almost lost you. View this as a temporary setback, learn from it, and move forward. Identify the triggers, prepare your defenses. Next time when you feel ready to taper, go slow, perhaps see your doctor, therapist, sponsor more frequently. Please update soon. PAX
P.S. You are right that this is a great site with some wonderful moderators.


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 02, 2013 11:36 pm 
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Hi Nelly,

Welcome to the forum!!!

While I was in NA, I learned a saying that I found to be quite true, it goes like this, "nothing will fuck up a good high like recovery!!"

You've been on Suboxone long enough to know recovery and now that you're effing up, it hurts in so many ways. I know how ya feel, I've been there, done that, got the T-Shirt.

I'd follow docm's advice, it's quite sound. I just want to emphasize something he said, LEARN from this mistake. Learn why you did what you did and put countermeasures in place so you don't do it again.

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 Post subject: The Truth
PostPosted: Wed Apr 03, 2013 2:12 pm 
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Nelly,

Okay, you messed up, most all of us have. But now you need to get up, brush off the dust, and tell the truth to your doctor. The alternative is just too painful to consider. You already know what it's like to be in recovery mode by being on Sub already. So do what is required and man up (or woman up). The only way you can put this behind you without too much regret is to do the right thing now. Don't delay, just do it.

And learn from this just like docm stated. When you start to taper down with the thought of jumping off the Suboxone, now you know that a recovery program must be in place while you're doing it. No, not all people need to go to NA or any other 12 step meetings. A recovery program can consist of a lot of different methods. You could start seeing an Addiction Specialist, or a therapist who is familiar with addiction. Some are able to do it on their own, I am not one of those. I prefer the 12 step method. But that is just me.

So next time get yourself ready first before you start the taper. That way you won't be tempted by the little demon of addiction. Or you may be one of those who will never get off the Suboxone. No one can say one way or another who those addicts are except the addicts themselves and maybe some addiction specialists who know the patient well.

I'm pleased you posted what happened. That is a good start. Go finish what you need to do before something terrible happens.

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PostPosted: Wed Apr 03, 2013 2:29 pm 
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You have been given some great advice. I just wanted to add to it that you can not beat yourself up about this.
Obviously you care enough, as you are here posting and asking for advice. Most doctors will admire your honesty and the fact that you are forthcoming with your relapse, rather then telling lies or having them find out on a drug screen.

Please call your doctor asap and keep us updated.


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 03, 2013 5:06 pm 
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like every one said ". go to your doc and spill the honest'y and get back on subs your just sick and your doc should understand.

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 04, 2013 9:04 am 
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Hey NellyBupe!

You have not failed, you have just found another way that doesn't work. Get back to your doctor and tell him the truth. Kinda like sh$t, relapse happens. :wink: But you do have to learn from this and you do have to apply the necessary measures to shield you against it. Hang in there and let us know how it's going!

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 05, 2013 9:55 pm 
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I just wanted to say that I understand, i think we all do. My advice is to tell your doc the truth. They have heard a 1,000 lies 10,000 times. The thing with honesty is, you won't get caught lying. And most people are so shocked when they hear the truth its hard to be mad. I would tell your doc the truth, they cannot help you without it. Part of recovery is not lying. I hope this helps. But please remember, this is just my opinion. Good luck.

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 07, 2013 11:11 pm 
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Hey, I relapsed too... For a year... I had not seen my sub doc in over a year. I could have called a different doctor but I decided to take my chances, be honest and ask to be treated by him again. He was soooo cool. Understanding, yes disappointed, but we are ONLY HUMAN... We just gotta figure out what IS gonna work and we gotta do somethng different than before.. We LEARN, And WE DO recover.. Keep tryin sugar.... Many blessings comming your way.....K


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PostPosted: Wed May 01, 2013 2:02 am 
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I was in the same place that you speak of not very long ago. I agree with you that it is the worst feeling of guilt and depression, failure that I can ever remember feeling. I couldn't afford to get to my appointment that month and I decided to just go to my PCP (280 compared to 60 is a huge jump in price) and get something that might curb withdrawals. I told my doctor what the problem was, and he prescribed however weird enough Tramadol and Klonipins. This didn't seem odd to me at the time, I figured if I took it as ordered that I would be ok and come off the Suboxone with no problem at all. Well, this was not the case. When I got home even though I had taken two the minute that I got them filled, I took two more. I know that most will say Tramadol is nothing, but this is the drug that got me rolling in the wrong direction. When I started off, I would take anywhere from six to eight at a time, let the pills kick in and sleep for however many hours it knocked me out. This time around I knew better, but for some reason my brain wasn't allowing me to do so.
I took about four a day even though the Suboxone hadn't really had enough time to wear off yet. Ten days later, I was getting close to being out and the sickness was kicking in strong. We didn't realize that I was going through withdrawals and after two ER visits, one doctor basically threw his hands up and say screw it and the other swore that it was Kidney stones even though he couldn't find any. BTW, one of those ER doctors told me that he had the right to scribe me Methadone/Subutex/Suboxone/Naltrexone anything that could have made me better but he wouldn't do it. He didn't give a reason, just basically that he was NOT going to do it. I had left treatment and wasn't even a month out and had a Lortab in my system because I was hurting so bad and Mom gave me one thinking that it might help me out. I even told the doctors beforehand that it was in my system and they acted like it was a shock when they checked my urine.
Anyhow, I came to the conclusion that I really messed it up this time around. I went through two weeks of withdrawal hell that no human being should ever have to go through and I mean terrible sickening yucky feelings. I couldn't stand the sight of food, didn't want anything to drink but yet was releasing more than I was putting into my body so I was getting really dehydrated. Headache that had lasted about four days, pretty much camped out on the toilet and restless leg syndrome from hell. I jumped from 12-16mg to nothing. I thought that I was on the verge of just shutting down. The physical sickness wasn't as bad as the mental sickness. I wanted to die, I knew that I had failed and that I should have done or sold something to been able to get to the doctor that month. If I could have gotten to something, I probably would have killed myself. I felt like I was all alone in a dark place that no one could pull me out of.
I basically came clean to my husband who didn't realize that I was eating Tramadol's like they were M&M's. He suggested that we borrow the money from my mother to get that appointment and a month's worth of medication. He had a job but just hadn't started working yet. He was scheduled to start in a few days and we knew that a paycheck was coming soon so we asked Mom for the 280 to go back to the clinic.
I called ahead and made sure that she would see me because I just stopped going, I didn't say that I might not be coming back. She agreed to see me and I made sure that they informed her that I had slipped up. In the two and a half weeks of being off Suboxone, I had eaten almost 60 Tramadol's and about 15 Lortab 7.5's, not counting the Klonipin's. I walked in her office and just laid it out straight. I told her that I couldn't afford it that month because of his unemployment cutting off and I didn't know what to do. She said that a relapse is not failure with a disease. This can happen and does happen to a lot of people. My current doctor told me the minute that I walked into his office that he would not get rid of me if I slipped up. Kicking someone out of treatment for having a bad moment does not help in keeping the demons at bay. Most doctors if they have a heart or a caring bone in their body will tell you this. The first thing that you must realize is that almost every person that is on Suboxone/Subutex or Methadone goes through a rough period and either wants to relapse or does it. Getting back on the horse after seeing that you are human and made a boo boo is what counts.
You have to come to terms with the fact as hard as it is, that you will make mistakes in life. How you choose to deal with that mistake will make or break the rest of your life. If for some reason that I slip up and take a handful of LT/OC, whatever having the support from my husband to kick my ass back into Suboxone treatment is enough to keep me going on this long road. Having a support group or family member that will not hold your hand, but walk along beside you makes this journey a little easier.
I only have my husband right now. My mother even though she has loaned me money thinks that this is a shameful thing. She is embarrassed by the fact that she has an addict for a daughter. She never wants to speak about it, will not go to my doctor visits, refuses to go to group with me or even look at a addiction website. She wouldn't be happy if she looked over some of the things that I have said about her anyways. Even though its all the truth, the truth does hurt quite a bit.
I am happy and thankful that I have my husband even though he is the only one that is backing me 110 percent. It would be nice to have more than one opinion from time to time.
The one thing that I can tell you is that you will get through this, DO NOT let it eat at you. You messed up, we all mess up at some point in our life. Realize that you can learn from this, do better the next time around and always remember this time as a learning point in your life.
I wish that I could give words that would make it all clear and simple, but that is just not possible. There is nothing that will take it all away, but knowing that you can and will get through this does help by the heap loads. Knowing now what I wish that I had known then, I know that if for some reason I cant afford the visit I will taper off slowly or as much as possible and hope for the best. I will also make sure that if I do go to a PCP doctor for help to make sure that he doesn't write me pain pills and nerve medication. Yes, I know that the drugs if taken right do work and work well but if you aren't mentally ready to take them correctly, you are back at square one. I took 18 months of being addiction free and trashed it because I couldn't figure out a way to get to my appointment. However, one major thing did come out of all of it. It lowered my dosage by half and then some.
Now instead of taking almost 2 a day and sometimes three, I take 8mg a day and some days I don't take but 6mg. When I got my meds filled that day that I went back to the doctor, I was so sick and sweating like I had a fever break. I got them filled and before I got back to the van, I had the bag opened and was taking a half. Well dumb ole me didn't realize to give it time to kick in, so 30 minutes later I took another half. I thought that honestly it had enough time to kick in, but it didn't. Well about two hours later, behold it had kicked in. Where my system was without it for awhile, the sudden rush of Suboxone coming back into my system and being tired, dehydrated, and other things made me very, very high. It was the ONLY time that I had ever felt like that from Suboxone. I might get a teeny buzz if I am really tired but that is the extent of it. I could barely walk to the bathroom and asked for my husbands assistance getting in there. We have a small step down to the bathroom and when I stepped down, I looked at him and said, Wow I almost fell down the hill.
I came back to my trusty ole chair, fell asleep and slept for almost six hours. The best six hours of sleep that I had in a LONG time. When I woke up, my husband said you were snoring and looked comfortable. I wasn't going to bother you at all. It took me about a week to get my system back to normal. I was drinking one thing after another and anything that I could get my hands to hydrate my system. I chugged Pepsi, Mt Dew, Juicy Juice, cappuccino coolers. I hate water, I know that would have made things better but I just cant stand it.
I know I have rambled on but I just wanted to explain that its not hopeless. You might think at times when you are alone with your thoughts that it is, but believe me it will get better. I hope that you got that from some of what I rambled on about. I feel that reading someone else's experience and seeing how they dealt with it helps quite a bit. I can also answer questions if you have any of those as well.


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 Post subject: Good thread
PostPosted: Wed May 01, 2013 10:39 pm 
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Good thread, but has anyone heard from NellyBupe since she posted this? I am bummed to realize a month has gone by.
PAX


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 18, 2013 2:32 pm 
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Someone responded to your post by quoting "nothing f*cks up a good high, like recovery!"
This reminded me of when I relapsed, about 9 months after getting out of treatment... I used several times before it finally hit me, and I suddenly realized "this just isn't as fun as it used to be."
I think once you've been clean for a period of time, and have gotten healthy emotionally and physically, it's extremely difficult to be pulled back into the darkness- b/c you now KNOW that you CAN make it without the use of drugs- and that it's not as bad as we once thought!
Don't beat yourself up too much, is the thing I learned, otherwise we forget all the progress we have made up until that point... if we're TOO hard on ourselves, the old ways of thinking can creep back up, whispering in our ear things like, "you've already relapsed, might as well do it once more." or, "you're not a f*ck up. Sobriety just isn't for you!"
Strong stay, and get clear headed again! Let the shitty feelings from the come down/crash happen, ride them out, and once you can think straight again... get to a meeting asap and admit to everyone that you relapsed! Keeping it a secret does no good for anyone!


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