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 Post subject: Hello
PostPosted: Tue Jul 24, 2012 3:50 pm 
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I have been a long time reader of these forums and decided it was time introduce myself and become an active member of this great forum. I am recovering addict and have been on Suboxone since February 2012. My addiction at the time was on the lower end of how extreme it was. At my worst I was snorting at least 10-15 Roxy 30's a day if not more. Then eventually it came to shooting up and then onto heroin because that became cheaper. I decided it was time for a change cause I knew what I was doing to my wife, daughter, immediate family, and my life was not fair. So I was induced in February and was put on 8 mg strip a day for 3 months then go cut down to 6 mg. Just went to July appointment and he has cut me down to 4 mg now. I have not always followed his instructions to the t. I have never wanted to be on this stuff for a long time but my doctor seems it is what is going to work for me. I have an identical twin brother who was a little worse than me and went to an 5 day rehab program where they only treat you for 5 days with Suboxone then send you on your way. In his shape he went to a in stay rehab facility after the 5 days (hasn't taken subs since those 5 days. and honestly has never looked back and he has made me so proud and motivated me more than anyone could have. A bond with you twin brother or sister is something that is more than just sibling bond. I have been doing great until up to 3 weeks ago when I pilonidal cyst infection that my experience was one of the most painful things I've experienced. I mean pee'ing out a Kidney stone never even hurt this bad. So yeah I fell off the wagon and used for almost a month. I hopped back on the subs now, I am only taking the 4 mg a day that he wants me to. Before I relapsed I was only taking 2 mg a day because I was getting tired of being on the subs and the money was becoming an issue. This time though my mind is right, but my heart is broke due to the pain I caused my wife/family and realizing how shitty of a man/father/husband I had become. That pain is so great that it reminds me everyday not a single little blue pill is worth your family and life. Stay positive in your journey it will not always be easy but it will be one well worth traveled. I will not fall back to my demons this time because I know my wife can't take much more and I can't imagine not being able to come home an open that front door and hear the sweet little voice of my daughter yelling daddy and running for a hug.

I will fight to trust myself . . . to be able to do
these simple things to help myself
and begin my return to sanity
A different life . . . worth living, is waiting for me
life is . . . waiting for me to put down the drugs
life is . . . waiting for me to believe I can change
life is . . . waiting for me to allow myself to win,
life is . . . ready to help me to honestly smile, to feel hope,
I want this life . . . that I will have to fight like hell to get to

-Stucky


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Jul 24, 2012 7:19 pm 
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Hi Stucky and Welcome here to our forum. Maybe between your twin and other support programs including this one, you can get this behind you and carry on. Talk to your brother and get more strength to taper and jump. It sure sounds like you care enough about your family to do this and it is great motivation.

Take your time to taper and make sure you get down as low as possible. Post often of your progress.

Rule

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Don't take yourself so damn seriously


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Jul 25, 2012 12:50 am 
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Hi Stucky

dont beat yourself up to much. we cant do a damn thing about the past. I love that my counselor told me that one time, followed by,,,,,,, its okay to visit your past, just dont pack an overnight bag.

I think of that all the time, becuz I did some really crazy/messed up things when I was using. Things I never thought Id do in a million years.

ANYWAYS, I just wanted to say, NO part of being an addict is EASY :wink:

BUT, your absolutely right, we CAN win, and we can persavere, we just gotta fight.

so were all here, in your corner. Just wanted to letcha know that, personally. :wink: :wink: :wink:

Hang in there, you can do this!!!

welcome to the forum

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anyone can give up,
its the easiest thing in the world to do, but to
hold it together, when everyone would understand if you fell apart
That's TRUE STRENGTH
http://almostoneyearclean.blogspot.com/


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Jul 25, 2012 5:33 am 
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Gosh Amber, you always have such nice and inspiring things to say. You have this way of making people feel like just because they messed up, doesn't mean they're done for....which IS true. LOL

Hi there Stucky!! Welcome to our forum! I think that one of the things that sticks out in my mind about my subdoc, was how he explained the difference in my treatment options, and why he thinks that long term maintenance was a good choice for me. Have you had a talk with your doctor about that? Perhaps he can start giving you a taper plan since you are wanting off of the subs. I think it is great that both you and your twin are getting yourselves clean. Twins run in my family and they always said that their bond was different too!

I know that how long a person stays on subs, is sometimes more relative to their quality of life before hand. For me, subs allowed me to change my lifestyle and work on things that i use over. If I were to stop now, a relapse would shortly follow. This is not true for all people. Only you know where your head is at, and how well you may do off of the sub. Someone on this forum has this as their quote under their signature "I'd rather walk with a crutch, than not walk at all..." That's where I'm at. (sheena maybe??)
Anyway, there are a ton of good threads in the "stopping suboxone" section, that can give you all kinds of tapering methods. I like Diary of a Quiters, "liqified Taper method" and one other one near the top....cant remember the name....sorry.

I wish the best of luck and keep posting and letting us know how you are!

_________________
"All great changes are preceded by chaos."
~Deepak Chopra


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 Post subject: forgiveness
PostPosted: Wed Jul 25, 2012 11:08 pm 
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We are usually quick to forgive others, but we can never seem to forgive ourselves. I know exactly what you mean. But sometimes the guilt goes away and is replaced by anger - anger at a system that is designed to keep law enforcement and pharmaceutical companies rolling in the big bucks. I used to say I have a drug problem - the problem is the drugs were hard to find and very expensive. Of course some people get in too deep, but that's true of anything - gambling, drinking, sex, etc. I always felt picked on by society - I hold down a good job, am a good dad to two great daughters, am not violent, pay my outrageous taxes, etc. I am by all accounts a good American citizen, but am viewed as a low life criminal because I like to take oxycodone. It's a bunch of BS and it is sad I will not live to see the day when our freedoms are restored to us.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2012 10:59 am 
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Gosh Jimmy, we could start a whole new section on this forum about forgiveness. It's weird because I have been able to forgive a lot of people in my life, and I am typically a person who never holds a grudge about anything. But when it comes to forgiving myself, all bets are off. It has been six years since I lost custody of my two daughters because of my addiction. And I have yet to completely forgive myself. I believe that I may have begun that process, but every now and then, it'll hit me out of nowhere again, and the guilt is heavy again. Something like slipping up, is so minor to me. I know it seems like a HUGE deal to you, because you are the one who did it. But try to ask yourself if you would be this hard on a fellow addict for the same thing? I think that you would not. And you deserve to be that kind to yourself as well.

Society, is a whole other ball game when it comes to what you've said. I have come to a point in my life, that I no longer worry about what other people think of me. They are going to have their opinions regardless of what I say or do. To internalize that and dwell on it, is no good for me. I'm not saying that's what you do, I'm just saying it's no good for me to do that.

" I hold down a good job, am a good dad to two great daughters, am not violent, pay my outrageous taxes, etc. I am by all accounts a good American citizen, but am viewed as a low life criminal because I like to take oxycodone. It's a bunch of BS and it is sad I will not live to see the day when our freedoms are restored to us."
This is your words. YOU ARE A GOOD MAN. Hard working, and you love your family. You seem like a person who treats others as you would like to be treated. Forget the ignorant people who make you feel like a "lowlife criminal". You know that's not who you are. Just because we were addicted to painkillers, that by NO means, makes us bad people.

Be kind to yourself, and til you can, we'll do it for you! Haha! Have a great one!

_________________
"All great changes are preceded by chaos."
~Deepak Chopra


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