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 Post subject: Hello from a newbie.
PostPosted: Fri May 13, 2016 3:45 pm 
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Hi, hoping to make some friends here get some advice and maybe even beat this thing and help others.
My addiction started a little over a year ago.with pain pills.
I took 3-4 a day 5 mg percs for about four months,then my doctor cut me off.....that is when I made the stupid decision to take a piece of Suboxone. But I was so sick and at first I did not even know what I was happening to me and I started looking up my symptoms online and I realized I was going through withdrawals.
Sub took my w/d away..it made me feel normal.So for the last year I have taken about 1-2 mg a day in secret.It allowed me to go to work pain free and feel normal.
But every day I felt like a piece of sub was taking a piece of my soul.
You see I am a mother of 5 children,50 years old - former licensed foster parent. People looked up to me called me an angel I took in all kinds of kids and I took in my brother who was disabled when the doctors had given up on him and was going to let him die.and he stayed with me for almost a year until he did pass but I made the best happy life I could for him.Many times I carried him to the end of my driveway to get to dialysis when we could not get plowed out from the snow.I have taken in many children from parents that were addicts and even adopted one.
I have never used a needle but I still felt the guilt of the poison I was putting in my body every day.then came the day that I could not get sub any more..and so I started stealing my hubby's pain meds he has 10 mg percs ..the first day I took four and then the next day I took 2. Finally on the third day with no sub ..I broke down and confessed it all to my husband..it was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my entire life next to detoxing.My hubby has been suffering from a brain injury after he was severely beaten by an addict that we had taken into our home.He suffered a broken jaw crushed larynx facial fractures and a very serious concussion that has changed everything that he was as a man.We have been married for 34 years and keeping secrets was not something we ever did.
So to try and get to where I am now ..we both decided that I had to just go cold turkey ..not my choice but if he was going to support me then I was willing to do what ever he asked of me.
Day 1 he gave 2 -10 mg percs ..felt ok but not great.
Day 2- hubby decides that I can not have any more percs . RLS starts in .nausea hard to breathe toss and turn all night my entire body hurts and I start my period after not having one for the last 7 months.it was misery on top of misery. I searched the entire house I find a piece maybe .25 mg.I took it under my tongue after promising not to. Felt a little better slept better.
Day 3 stayed in bed all day RLS is out of control,-diarrhea nausea depression crying .
Day 4-took my prescribed rids no help,still very miserable.
Day 5 - felt a little better got out of bed had a coffee RLS started get worse tried a bath .little help.Then my son showed up and he has just gotten over shingles . He mention these pills that helped him sleep at night , he just thinks I am sick ,,but he has no idea nor would he ever guess why I am so sick. He offered me the Gabapentin to help me sleep.
I looked them up and it gave me hope that they might help,I took 2 at first not what I was expecting felt dizzy..found myself on the floor for hours checking ever room possible looking for a piece of sub ..but found nothing.I took another Gabapentin and a rid then I was back on the floors still searching feeling so guilty,,hoping I would not find anything because I knew that I would take it and scared that I would be starting over,but at least I was out of bed.Then I drove to the mailbox,someone was suppose to be sending some in the mail..hubbys is gone for a few hours and I am already breaking the rules.
Relieved that nothing was in the mail, I climbed back in bed to finish out my sentence for the day. That brings me to now,
found this forum decide to tell my story instead of crying.. but crying anyway..hope tomorrow brings a better day.sorry my intro is so long looking forward to connecting with anyone here Thanks in advance to any replies feel free to ask me anything thanks for this forum it felt good to write it all down.Looking forward to the day when I will feel normal again if that day ever comes. Vickilynn007


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 Post subject: Re: Hello from a newbie.
PostPosted: Fri May 13, 2016 4:10 pm 
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I feel so happy that I could not find sub today ..this means another day into my detox. Still feel so guilty for looking though. I cannot imagine what I looked like on the floor, it felt like hours looking for any amount to feel better.
I kills me that the house is being neglected but my worst crime is my 8 yr son is being neglected,living off pop tarts and hot dogs. Thankfully it is Friday I sent him home on the bus to my daughters house for the weekend ,they all think I have the flu. If she ever found out I would surely die in shame.
Fruit flies have taken over my house and the litter box needs changing.. please someone here tell me that I am going to make it?


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 Post subject: Re: Hello from a newbie.
PostPosted: Fri May 13, 2016 4:50 pm 
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Vicki- Almost everyone one of us addicts have had the same experience, crawling around on the floor looking for pills, or a piece of something, dumping out drawers, and searching through clothes praying we find something for instant relief. Neglecting responsibilities is the crux of all addicts, and the guilt and shame will go away after a while, but truly only if you get your life back together, too many of us have gone down the dark pit of despair without getting the help we needed because we were too ashamed to ask for help. If you've been married that long, then you must have a decent relationship, and hopefully your spouse will support you emotionally and physically to get through this phase in your life. You can read through the "stopping suboxone" section for an idea of what it's been like for those who chose to get off bupe, there are many encouraging stories there. Detox sucks for anyone, but there are so OTC meds you can use to help get through, depending on how bad your detox is, you may want to see a doctor. Some people can take benzos (like klonopin, Ativan, Xanax) to help get through, but BEWARE if you are an addict, then benzos are NOT a good med for you, since you can easily fall in love with those. My first detox at home was with Ativan, then klonopin, from a doctor with good intentions, but most addicts will abuse whatever meds they can get their hands on. There are supplements that some have taken on this forum that have helped, but a lot of the physical part of w/d is just plain tough. Immodium or pepto are definitely your friend.

Yes, you will get through, but support will help, especially hands on (like counseling or meetings). It takes work to stay clean, and out of the addictive lifestyle, and many of us here choose to use suboxone as a "helper" to stay clean. Many like myseld, have failed at abstinence, time and time again, and suboxone was our literal life saver. You need someone to confide in, hopefully that can be your husband, but if I hadn't gone to therapy, and taken my meds, I probably wouldn't be typing this today. Just trying to provide some hope and suggestions for you.


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 Post subject: Re: Hello from a newbie.
PostPosted: Fri May 13, 2016 7:49 pm 
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I will only repeat what Todd already said. Understand, Vicki, that your problem is 'opioid dependence', not 'Suboxone addiction.' You made the mistake of taking buprenorphine at some point. But you were already dependent on oxycodone. Buprenorphine is easier to control than oxycodone, so addiction progresses more slowly on buprenorphine than on opioid agonists. But buprenorphine and opioid agonists both activate mu opioid receptors, and support tolerance. The only way to reduce tolerance is to stop opioids, and go through withdrawal.

The problem, though, is that even people who have gone through withdrawal and gotten to the other side will often return to using opioids. In other words, if you don't use anything at all for the next 4-8 weeks, you will end up feeling 'normal'.... but the odds are very low that you will avoid taking opioids again. If that sounds crazy, more power to you---- and I hope you can pull it off. But from the statistical side of things, the odds are against you.

You describe trying to taper off buprenorphine using oxycodone..... and again, I don't have great news about what you are trying to do. Many people TRY to do what you are suggesting, just like we all tried to taper off oxycodone at some point. But in reality you are doing it backwards. The vast majority of people out there cannot make headway tapering with opioid agonists-- so they end up going on a maintenance treatment for a year or two, and THEN tapering using buprenorphine or methadone.

I hope you pull it off--- but I also want you to know what usually happens out there.


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 Post subject: Re: Hello from a newbie.
PostPosted: Sat May 14, 2016 4:22 am 
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Welcome vickilynn,
Thanks for allowing us to understand your situation a little better. I am really glad you have reached out to us!
Withdrawal can be tough and it helps to know you have people on your side, people who understand and want the same outcome for you.
Like Dr Junig and Todd both touched on, WD is transient but addiction is not. It is life beyond Wd that poses the greatest challenge.
Your best chance at staying clean requires commitment and planning. Seeking therapy specialising in addiction, group meetings, this site, are a good start.
The odds are unfavourable because we are not talking about will power, we are talking about progressive changes to the brain that make us crave opiods. It is a chronic brain disorder. It wasnt what I wanted to hear after I had finally withdrawn from methadone.
It's your choice who you want to reveal this to and that is something you should weigh up carefully.
It sounds like you are dealing with chronic pain issues and I too have chronic pain, along with many other ppl on this site. Suboxone treats my pain better than any short acting agonists did.
I am concerned how you will manage your pain in future?
Ride out the WD, despite how trying it can be. Easy for me to say,right! I know how difficult it can be but I hope your confidence grows as the days pass.
WD seems to open the doors to the guilt and shame we buried in active addiction. Acknowledge but don't let it beat you down. Lastly, be kind to yourself, you are dealing with enough right now!
I wish you the best and hope to hear from you soon!


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 Post subject: Re: Hello from a newbie.
PostPosted: Sat May 14, 2016 8:46 am 
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Hi Vickilyn and Welcome! I congratulate you on your will to stop using opiates and hope that each day gets easier for you. For me, the key has been taking a long hard look at what got me to the point when I was popping handfuls of pills each day. I was depressed as a result of menopause and was prescribed tramadol for the pain of osteoarthritis in my knees. Tramadol, until August, 2014, was easy to buy online and that is what I did! I too had tremendous guilt. I am a social worker, EMT, Wife, Aunt! How could I be keeping a secret from all these people who think that I am an angel? I was counseling people about the dangers of addiction while being addicted myself! So, In August of 2014, I made the decision to start suboxone. It has been one of the best decisions that I have ever made! I started at 24mgs and have tapered down to 4mgs per day. I want to keep going, but I am in no rush! I am using this time to really examine my life and deal with everything that got me to this point. I don't know that I will ever stop suboxone as it is treating the osteoarthritis and also the depression associated with menopause. I will keep trying to taper but there is no rush! I wish you all the luck and I am so happy that you found your way here!


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Fond Du Lac Psychiatry
Dr. Jeffrey Junig, M.D., Ph.D.

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