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PostPosted: Thu Jul 15, 2010 6:07 pm 
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Hello everyone,

I have posted here a few times but never really introduced myself, and after a very difficult week I think I am ready. I am a 29 year old single women with 2 children ages 10 and 6. I am also a full time teacher for children with disabilities. I have been addicted to some sort of drugs since I was 15 years old, but opiates for 7 years now. I all started when I was preganet with my son and they began giving me vicoden I took them oraly as prescribed and felt like super woman. After my sons birth they sent me home with percecets 5mg with a few refills those were gone quickly enough but they were easily refilled. This went on for about 3 years and was still not overly addictive. About 4 years ago someone told me about sniffing them and thats when things began to get worse. Then I met a guy who was prescribed oxys {fell in love with him quickly} or so I thought. He had what seemed to be a endless supply and life was great. I worked full time, was a girl scout leader, was involved in every activity with my children possiable, went to college, I was the ideal roll model in societys eyes.

Well things were great{so I thought} of course day by day my tolerance went up and up and up. I was taking 100-200mgs daily. Things with me and that man ended quickly due to my addiction and his lack of the endless suply{he got shut off}.I moved out of that apartment away from him and moved right next store to what would soon be my next dealers house. I had all the clients he could ever want and he kept me happy as long as I kept the money rolling in. Now I am up to about 300mgs daily and owe everyone a lot of money including my dealer and lost my apartment and car and sold everything I had.

Back to mommys and daddys house. Both my parents are prescribed there share of pain meds and buy a great deal off the street as well. So this continued for about another year or so.

Untill one daywhen I was really sick and couldn't find any thing a friend gave me a few suboxone. Well I took 4mgs and felt better took 4 more mgs and felt normal. Wow I couldn't belive this little orange pill could make me fell normal. I hadn't felt this way in years, 3 days later I was prescribed suboxone and taking 16mgs daily.

Things were going well, I was really tired but not sick. I began messing with my dose and leveled out at 12mgs daily 1/2 in the a.m and 1/2 in the afternoon. Physically I was great, but still really missed useing all the time. This continued for 3 1/2 months of always wanting to use. Well Friday and Saturday I cut my sub dose down to 8mgs and Saturday night I started with a few percect 15mgs and by Tuesday night I spent over 500$ and was sick and wanted more and more.

I woke up Wendsday morning feeling just like I did 4 months ago sick and only thinking about how I was going to get more. Thats when I realized what the fuck am I doing! I stopped taking pills all day wendnesday and started back on my suboxone late last night. I feel great.

I am feeling a lot of guilt about the relapse but over all I think I am really glad I did it. I think for so long I felt like I was missing something I was so jelouse of everyone else who was useing. I wanted to be like them, to have that crazy energy and feel on top of the world again. Well I did get high and felt that energy but I also felt those lows and that is something I didn't miss at all. I now no that I don't want to use at all I don't want to put my body through that ever again.

I also learned that mylife needs to change dramaticaly in order to stay clean. I need to reach out to the "clean" people around me, which unfortunatly is no one right now, but I will change that. I made a appointment with a counciler for next Wendnesday and am going to try the NA route again. Sorry for the incrediably long post, but really felt that I needed to share with someone! Thank you!


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 Post subject: welcome!
PostPosted: Thu Jul 15, 2010 7:45 pm 
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Hi hancal,

I know you said you have already posted but I wanted to welcome you to the forum. I hope that you find this forum as informative and supportive as I have.

I related to so many things you mentioned although I am quite a bit older than you. I will be 49 next month, wow, that was kind of freaky to write. I am actually going to be 50 next year. I so wish that I would have got "clean" at your age, although my opiate problem didn't get really bad until the last 5 years.

I am from Canada and am also a teacher for ADHD learning disabled students. I love my career, it's been the one thing that I have somehow been able to keep, although I do have a lot of guilt at not being the best teacher I could be the last few years. Interesting enough, I got the Teacher of the Year award the first year of oxy abuse. It gave me the energy to the superwoman and I believed a better teacher. It may have the first year, or possibly two, but then it turned on me, like it does for everyone and the last couple of years I know I was not a good teacher. I arrived late, left early and had many lunch time 'runs' to get more pills, and of course there were the days I dragged myself to work because I was so sick from lack of pills. It makes me sick to think of the condition I was in while trying to teach.

The most guilt comes from not being the best mom I could be and my children really lost many good years because of my addiction. I am so happy to hear that you are getting well while your children are relatively young and such an awesome age to really enjoy.

I know exactly how you felt thinking that you were missing something. I felt the same way my first several months on Sub and I relapsed a few times. I hope that you learned the same thing from your relapse that I did, that the memory of the high was not near as good, and the lows were actually a lot worse. It felt so good to be back on Sub and feel 'normal' again. I wouldn't beat yourself up to badly, it sounds like a lesson well learned and hopefully you don't yearn for that high any more.

One of the most difficult things can be getting rid of all the enablers and away from people that used. I was a cancer survivor and my support group were all women that had been thru the same thing and all were addicted to oxycontin and sharing scripts. It still amazes me to this day, how easy oxycontin was to find and then to get on the interent and see that it is the same in every city in North America.

Sorry, I tend to write long messages, but wanted to drop by and welcome you and hope that you stick around. I do not know one other person on Sub, as it is very hard to get prescribed in Canada. If it were not for this forum, I would have had many more problems than I am, and the support here has been awesome.
I hope you find it the same,
Ginger


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 15, 2010 8:36 pm 
Hi hancal - thanks for sharing that, I really identified with a lot of it. Like you, I tried using subs and then going off them to get high, then going back on, etc. If anyone else is out there thinking about doing it, don't waste your time. It's a lot like the end of your active addiction. The highs aren't very high, but the lows are pretty darn low. Being on this forum and interacting with people who are using Sub successfully motivated me to want to use Sub the right way - for recovery. Please don't beat yourself up with guilt. It sounds like you're really on the right track now.
I wish you the best of luck and keep posting.
Lilly


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 15, 2010 9:27 pm 
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Thanks Lilly and Ginger,

Ginger- I to got many awards and praise being a teacher while on oxys. Looking back to this week I really don't no how I did it for so long this week took so much out of me. Running out buying pills on my break, sneaking in the bathroom crushing them up and sniffing them. And for what a 20minute boost and then 2 hours of trying to ration what I have left and feeling like all I want is more. I never really felt great the whole time. I no it wasn't worth it. I feel crapy about even doing it and now knowing i can't say i've been clean for 4 months. But whats done is done.

I think about all the things i missed doing with my kids often, i beat myself up about it. But I try everyday to make up for it and honestly I'm not sure they ever really new. My older child may have known a little, but they new mommy was sick alot.

Lilly-I agree for almost 4 months I felt like i was missing it so bad, and when I had it it was never what i thought it would be. It's nice to know other people have messed up a little also. Maybe it's something I had to do to get past the cravings. All I no now {at least for today} is that I have no intensions of ever useing again. If I ever start to feel like I need to, I can go back to this post and it will remind me!

Thank you both for responding I feel so much better having someone to talk to. I really have no support network. I need all the clean people I can find! Hope you both are having a great day!


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 Post subject: just needing to vent!
PostPosted: Sat Jul 17, 2010 11:05 pm 
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:( Hello again,

Just really need to vent a little! I don't even know where to start I am 4 days back on subs now after my slip up, and feel preety good. Woke up this morning and did some Saturday errands, driving around listening to music and every song just reminded me of useing {exspeically the love songs, because pills are "were" my true love}, and just began craving them like crazy. So off the music went trying to stay busy and took the kids to the lake. The kids are having a great time swimming and playing and I am just laying there dreaming about pills and thinking that I would be so much happier if I went and got some.

After my little experience this past week I know how I felt and although there were good parts of it I also no there were more lows during the whole few days. So why am I even thinking about? I didn't use and really I don't want to I am trying my hardest to fight it but its like there is a little devil on my shoulder screaming at me "just do it you will feel so much better" and I just want him to go away forever. Will I always feel this way? Am I the only one that is having so much trouble? I feel like I am just stuck and I want things to get better but every single day is a struggle, does it ever get easier?

After my crazy morning and after noon I went to a block party with the kids in the next town over. Of course there are a million people there drinking, which has never been my thing I really hate the taste. Even there I just keep thinking maybe if I have a few drinks I will feel better. I didn't probably because my kids were with me. Now I am home and feel good that I made it through another day but its like I am so scared to face another one. I really hate this all I want is to be happy and to have my children have a great "drug free" mother.

Well sorry for the long negative post but I really needed to just get it all out there maybe saying it or writing it will help. Hope you all are having a great weekend!


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 18, 2010 6:32 am 
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Hancal, I'm glad you turned to this forum to get some of this out. Don't worry about posting something "negative". That's what this forum is for. I don't think you're the only one struggling with this. I'd say most if not all of us have been there. And I say "have been" as in past tense, it's because I want to stress that such feelings are usually temporary. I think you're doing the right thing by distracting yourself. This will get better.

Forgive me if I missed it, but what dose of sub are you on? I ask this because I was wondering if you're at or above the ceiling. It's my understanding that some people, after a relapse, have their dose increased, so it's just something I wanted to ask. Bupe should address all the "physical" cravings, but I believe we can also have "psychological" cravings. Additional stress can cause cravings because many of us lack coping skills and automatically want to reach for a pill or a drug. That's just how I see it.

Keep posting when you need to - as I said, that's what we're here for. Hang in there and let us know how you're doing.

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-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 18, 2010 11:09 am 
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Hello Hatmaker,

Thank you for responding, I really feel so alone lately it is nice to have a few people who know how I am really feeling. I run around the house, work, and town as if I have no issues. When the truth is I don't know how I make it through most days. Todays gonna be different though the sun is shining and I think I will take the kids out of town for the day!

I am prescribed 20mgs but before my relapse was at 14mgs the 20mgs made really dizzy and tired. These past 5 days I am only taking 8mgs. Honestly I feel the same physicaly and mentally as the 14mgs {I think}.

Hope you have a great day! I will check back later!


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