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PostPosted: Mon Apr 07, 2014 9:58 am 
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Hi everyone! I have been a long time browser, at one time or two I was a member but over the years I have lost my info and figured I would just make a new profile. Anyways, when I originally found this board it was because I was having so many issues and thought it was due to suboxone. I wanted to find a support group where I could learn some things about tapering and possibly share my experience's on this drug as well. My old username was Brighter days before and when I first started it was Seeking Freedom. I apologize but I promise I wrote down this info now. I feel like a slight failure, I have tried tapering off sub and that was always my goal but each time I failed... Now looking back I realize why I did this.. I was suffering from terrible anxiety and I thought it was from the subs. To be honest I am not sure that it isn't, all I know is that for two years now I have been on clonodine every single day. I would try to taper down and then my addict brain would say "Try a little more today so you feel better" and guess what I would do? I did it.. Then I would feel great for weeks, maybe even months and then I would go through periods where I just felt like shit... I have talked to a few people on here that also said they had never had issues with severe anxiety pre subs. I'm not knocking it, It surely saved my life with a horrible oxy addiction BUT I want so badly to be done.. I was just married last August and I'm only getting older.. I want another child, one with my new husband and I just refuse to do it with anything in my system. I understand that some people do just fine but I just cant' take that chance. I have made a decision to taper once again, this time though I am going to be more accurate and attend meetings to help. I may fail but then again I may not. I need to get my mind in a different place. Today I just started 1.50mgs, I have been stable on 2.0 for awhile now so I figure it's ok to drop back to where I was. I am irratated today, I KNOW it's not that I already feel it.. I feel like it's my mind playing tricks on me.. I just walked to the bathroom and thought, I could just take a little bit.. NO! I really want this to be over.. I know it's the same old song and dance but I really want to live my life free of all substance abuse. I abused Subs for a year, They were not prescribed to me and I snorted them all day long. Up until two years ago when I had a horrible panic attack while on vacation.. I thought I was dying.. Had no idea what was going on. Another time I was driving and had such an awful attack my hands contorted around the steering wheel... I never took them incorrectly again. I feel like I have done alot of damage though.. Maybe that's why these things are happening to me because I CHOSE not to take it correct. I went to a dr. and went on them the right way BUT she tried to start me out 24 mgs a day. I never did that, I only did maybe 8mgs ever. She didn't care about my recovery and that is the truth.. I did the workbooks she gave me, she never checked them, I asked her questions and she would be irratated.. It's like all I wanted was for someone to just show me the way.. What I've learned is that I'm the only one that will take care of me.. Now it's time to get it together.. Glad to be back!!


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 12, 2014 6:28 pm 
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Joined: Tue Apr 08, 2014 12:06 pm
Posts: 195
Hey beautiful-disaster! Love the user name btw! I'm super new to suboxone, I just started on Monday, after 5+ years on oxys. I've just been reading a lot of posts here and came across yours. We have some things in common, I also just got married in August, my husband and I have been together for 8 years though. I have a child from a previous relationship but want to have one with my hubby, sooner rather then later as I'm not getting any younger ha but I definetly don't want to be on anything when that happens! That's part of what has pushed me to kick the oxys! I wish every day I'd never layed eyes on the oxys to begin with! My personality or "addict" tendencies never let me do anything just a little. It's always to an extreme! Anyway, I agree a lot is your mind playing tricks on you and as soon as there's a change, your head wants you to believe something's wrong or you need it back the way it was!! I'm looking into starting to attend meetings, hoping that will help change the way my mind plays tricks on me! Have you tried meetings or therapy? I wish you luck with getting off of everything! Hopefully I can offer support to you along the way! :)

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 14, 2014 1:02 pm 
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Joined: Mon Oct 15, 2012 11:27 am
Posts: 1454
I remember you, glad to have you back with us!

Anxiety is such beast, I truly hope you're able to find something that helps lessen it for you. I can totally sympathize and suffered from it for a few years as well. Hang in there.


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 14, 2014 1:26 pm 
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@Tiny- Did you feel like the anxiety lifted after you were off subs? Obviously not the regular w/d anxiety but the all around "I don't want to be around people" anxiety type crap that sucks soo bad? I was just curious. I would give anything not to be so damn jumpy and scared all the time.

@ Emmy- We do sound very much alike! I'm glad that you were able to get on subs. There is no doubt that you will only move up vs. being on oxy's where you will always be chasing that high and never be satisfied.. Isn't it nice not to have to wake up and pick up your phone looking for a score? I HATED that life.. I will do whatever it takes to not do it again. I would waste a whole day that I would never ever get back "Hittin every body up".. Those days I will never get back. Well I think that it's time for me to move on from subs but I am greatful they were a tool for me. I believe this is a new part in my recovery.. Learning to ween myself and jump and stay sober from everything. I have baby names picked out and I am still on.. I can't wait to start trying but I have to get through this first. It's just not a chance I am wiling to take. I have had friends that had babies on suboxone and had a difficult time with the hospitals dr. and nurses. But this was years ago. It seems that they are more understanding about the drug now. I have read alot of different stories on here where some mother's had no problems at all! Or if they did they hospital just kept the babies exctra days but they didn't lose the children. The woman I knew did lose them and it was heart breaking. They were trying to do the right thing. I hope that they are more understanding now. Well best of luck to ya! Thanks for the reply!!


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 14, 2014 1:37 pm 
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Beautiful-Disaster wrote:
@Tiny- Did you feel like the anxiety lifted after you were off subs? Obviously not the regular w/d anxiety but the all around "I don't want to be around people" anxiety type crap that sucks soo bad? I was just curious. I would give anything not to be so damn jumpy and scared all the time.


Yes. I hesitate to say that because not everyone's anxiety issues stem from the same place, but my anxiety went away after I got off suboxone. My fear of being around people and having to "do things" subsided almost immediately. I can't explain it but it is true for me. There are other crappy things to deal with once off suboxone (lack of motivation, controlling emotions.. etc.) so it's not all a walk in the park, but I can say that my anxiety vanished. It is my theory that being on suboxone indirectly caused my anxiety. As in, not the medication itself, but the idea that I had been on it so long and the fear off getting off of it, created a scary place for me. Does that make sense? It also didn't kick in until years of being on it.. the first few were great/ easy.


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