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PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 6:33 pm 
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Hi everyone! First I want to say YAY!!! I found a great place, with people JUST LIKE ME! I can NOT even begin to tell you how amazing that is. I live in a very small, country town, and I'm lucky that I found a doc here that even knew what suboxone was! PHEW on that one though, b/c I did and he's wonderful, and has been so good to me for that I'm so thankful. So a little bit of background on how I came to where I am today. In 2006 I was rushing outside to grab my son who was sleigh riding at the time, and I thought I heard my husband yell for me, who was outside with him, but they were actually just squealing in fun and laughter. However I panicked and ran out and slipped on a peice of ice and fell down the front set of porch stairs (12 to be exact) landing completely flat on the top of my head. (if you have a mental pic, that's probably what it looked like, HILARIOUS, but a nightmare at best) I heard the crack, and felt the pain instantly. I had to lay there for 30 minutes until the ambulance came, b/c we were afraid I'd do more damage had I moved. Long story short I ruptured 3 discs in my neck, and herniated 5 in my back, broke my scapula and 3 ribs. I was in the hospital for 12 days, and do not remember one of them other then when I'd come in and out of the drug induced haze I was in. So I'm sure you can see where this story is heading. I eventually became addicted. However, I was never taking percocet or vicodin, and I'm thankful, b/c I'm sure I'd be even worse for ware as I've heard they are even easier to enjoy then the tramadol I was addicted too. It started with 8 tramadol a day, while I was in my greatest pain. Then after I had the plates in my neck, I was better. But I would still have pain in my back, and obviously still wanted the pain meds. I eventually was taking 4 to 6 50mg pills of tramadol a day for a year until I started WANTING it, instead of NEEDING IT. I don't even remember the actual moment, but it wasn't long where I had a bottle of pills in my cabinets, purses, dressers, nightstand, and was popping anywhere from 30 to 40 of them a day. Finally I decided enough was enough. I was a lost soul and I hated it. So I swallowed my pride and told my family about my problem, and went to in-patient detox where I was introduced to suboxone. Anyway, I felt wonderful, and I'm so grateful that I had the oppurtunity to detox that way. I felt no pain, no sickness, no vomiting, no withdrawels, nothing. Just a very sore ego, but I've slowly recovered from that. In fact I sometimes rejoice in the fact that it happend, and I got through it, even though I needed the help of suboxone, I got through it, and I saw the end of the tunnel I never knew was there. If you knew how much I beat myself up as an addict, it was gross. I hated myself for taking those pills. Every time I popped one I was torturing myself with bullied thoughts of hatred for my OWN self. I couldn't look in the mirror without getting sick to my stomach. Taking those pills stole so much from my own self worth and esteem, that it took over a year of therapy before I felt like I deserved to be near people. It was bad. The days were dark. So anyway, I've digressed so much I hope I can get back to the point of joining this forum and posting in the first place! My apologies to those reading...LOL I tend to start on something and ramble myself right into a new topic all together.
For one and a half years I have been taking suboxone. I started at 4mgs a day, went up to 6mgs for about 4 months, then back to 4, then 2mgs which I've been on for 8 months. I never thought about weening, b/c I felt safe, and I was mostly concerned with the fact that on these 2mgs I do NOT in any way shape or form have one ounce of a desire to take any type of a pain pill other then motrin or tylenol. So Suboxone and therapy have become my long awaited for security blanket. I feel very secure on the 2mgs. Have not ever experienced any withdrawels since day one, and honestly don't want to either. HOWEVER with all of that said, I feel at this time in my life, I would like to move on to the next phase of my life, and be completely 100% drug free. I started researching what others have gone through, just to get an idea of what I might expect, and that's when I got scared. I've read countless stories of people who tried getting off 2mgs and 1 mgs and have had the worst withdrawels of there lives, and now I'm terrified. Now I'm not feeling so proud of myself either, b/c I'm starting to think that maybe the only thing I did was substitute suboxone for tramadol, and I feel sad, and a little sorry for myself too. Yet at the same time, it makes me still want to end this journey and get off of them completely. I don't want to always feel like the "drug-addict" that needs this drug to stay clean, or to keep from experiencing pain from withdrawel. I mean I was the type of person to not take a tylenol until I started having children, and experienced my first "migraine" even then I didn't want to take anything. I don't even know why, but I was always convinced it was bad for you. LOL I must have had a premonition of some sort who knows.
Anyway, there I go digressing again! I hope I haven't lost all of your attention completely, b/c I swear there is a point to all of this.
Here it is.... I want off the 2mgs. I want off, and I don't want to worry that I'm doing something bad to my body, b/c in all honesty that's my worst fear. Like for example, is withdrawels symptoms the only thing, or like can you go off of it, and have a seizure, or vomit uncontrollably too? I haven't found that answer, and that really scares me. I also take 250mgs of depacote, 25mgs of elavil, and .1mgs of clonodin for my migraines and anxiety. Yes, my anxiety, it's bad. I've had it since I was a little girl. Depacote saved my life from being secluded in my own home. I couldn't eat in public for 10 years. I would be starving and have the most glorious food in front of me, but if I wasn't at home, I couldn't swallow an ounce of it. It has controlled my life. Another reason suboxone is comforting to me, b/c it also helps my anxiety. I'm also worried I will go into some insane panic attack mode as well.
I hear that weening is the best, then again, I read another woman who had withdrawels, anxiety, sweating, vomiting etc from .5mgs...So needless to say, I'm confused, and in all honesty I'm afraid.
Any help, advice, comfort (LOL) and just good old chit chat with sharing your stories with me would be so greatly appreciated.
ps. I run 5 miles a day, and that's about all I can fit in, I have 3 children, 2 dogs, a hubby who is a workaholic, and I run a renal dyalisis Facility. I'm an RN, and do not like to share this story with anyone, so I guess that is also why I'm spewing all of this here, it just feels good to tell my story somewhere outside of therapy and my drs office ya know? LOL
Thanks for reading, I greatly appreciate the time you just gave me.
hugs!


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 7:20 pm 
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Lots of good people on here... here is my story not sure if I posted it. I was a heroine addict as a teen got clean by 19 the old fashioned way went on with life had two kids bla blabla

I was a stunt woman and after years of beating my body up I had 3 herniated disks, at the same time my teenage son was addicted to heroine long story short I went amuck with the pain pills while dealing with my sons addiction hence here I am at 48 2 yrs on subs and ready to ne done with it.


The key to you weaning off is to go slowly take your time and listen to your body. It takes a few weeks to adjust to each new dose ( everyone is different though) and then when you feel ready go down again. I went from 1mg to .5 and today I took .25 and am prepared to take the second .25 if my body tells me too. Colonadine helps the withdrawal and if you take your time it can be done

Welcome and you can do this!!!
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 7:32 pm 
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answers to questions....
is it dangerous to stop?
no, opiate withdrawl does not kill you. only benzo and alcohol w/d can. only sickness that feels deathly with this class of drug. your friend who stopped at .5 got sick because .5 is still a fairly large dose. I am at .05mg now and if i stop i will probably still feel some kind of w/d by day 3. this is why im taking it as low as i can. read my post about weaning off by taking the strips.
By the way, other than a husband, kids, and you being female you seem a lot like me which is good because it means your in for a fairly easy ride. the big plus is that your busy (a nurse), exercise, take clonodine and are taking your dose once a day. I am doing all of that except for the nurse thing (well actually im volunteering at a hospital and doing the pre med thing so i guess were similar in that respect too). Being busy at the hospital all day really helped my wean. I forgot all about it at work. I see how hard the nurses work so i am sure you forget at work as well. Follow my wean on my thread about using the strips. its a new post near yours. let me know if you have any other questions and remember you need to be thinking .05 not .5 for minimal w/d


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 7:51 pm 
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Hi Rain!

I am also an addicted RN on sub! I don't want to go off yet though....There is a good thread on here called the liquid taper method that you should read. It tells you how to get to a low dose mixing your sub in water. The person got off sub with not too much discomfort.

I also have a great doctor. He is kind of mad at me that I didn't turn my self in to the state nursing board though. I just didn't want the 5 years of monitoring I was sure to get. Because I still work as a nurse, he said that if I fail any one of his drug tests he is going to turn me in himself. Did you turn your self in to the board of nursing? Or did your job know about your problem?

Anyway, I was glad to see your post and see another RN on here! It is lonely sometimes because I cant go telling anyone about my addiction in fear of loosing my licence. So welcome and I look forward to hearing more from you!


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 8:12 pm 
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Thank you so much everyone! I will definitely read the post about liquid weaning, and the others you mentioned. I guess my main thing is that I'm afraid....I wasn't afraid until this point, which is kind of funny to me, but I guess that goes with the fact that I felt completely "safe" where I was. Especially when I got to the 2mg point once a day. I had tried cutting my strips into 1mgs twice a day at first, and didn't feel great. I didn't have massive withdrawels or anything, but I didn't feel good, like I wanted to feel. So my dr suggested that I do the once a day thing and that made a world of difference. He also told me that it will help when I wean, b/c I am getting my body accustomed to longer stretches, which is a good thing. So I'm happy about that too. Right now I definitely feel ready to start the weaning, and I think mentally I'm in a really good place, so it's a good time. And yes when I'm at work I do not have a second to think about anything. Half the time I don't have time to eat or pee! LOL I'll be in the car on the way home and it will dawn on me how I'm starving and need a bathroom STAT! LMBO! Crazy how that can happen. My problems come in down time when I have it. Thankfully it's little, but it's always a classic time for me to start my over thinking, and my anxiety issues. Anyway, after I posted I called my dr and he told me to do 2mg today and 1mg tomorrow and 2mg on Sunday. So I'm going to give it a go. Then he wants to see me on Monday, and we'll go from there. I'm actually excited, b/c I feel like I'm taking a step towards finally being where I "think" I want to be. Completely Sober.

Orange doll!! HI!!! So excited to see another RN! I am very happy and excited to be here. I feel like I found a great place to share my journey to get help along the way, and offer help as I can too. As for my job and turning myself in, no I did not do that. However, when I was fully addicted to tramadol I was not working. I was on hiatus for 3 years b/c I was raising my young children, and I had an oppurtunity to work at home, which ofcourse I snatched. I often wonder if I had not done that if my addiction would not have progressed so badly. I was only taking about 6 pills of tramadol a day when I was working (back then that is) and it wasn't until I was home all day that my addicton went completely out of control. Anyway, I have been very good friends with my boss and several of my co-workers for many years now, so when I finally knew I needed help, I also included them when I 'came out' with it. So they were and have been a big part of my recovery. They have been so supportive and have helped me when the days were sooo dark. I only returned to work last August, and in December was offered the promotion as adminstrator. So I think if I were to go off of my treatment, that I may have a problem, but as long as I am honest and in recovery, and continue to fight this battle, and keeping them informed, I am ok. The topic of reporting myself, or them has not come up at this point and time. Before any of this, and when I was on the tramadols and still working, I nor anyone else knew or thought I had a problem. I'm sure had that come up things would not have worked out as they did. Or if I was popping them like candy as I did when I was working at home it would have been very different as well.
You sound alot like me in the way you worded things, so I'm so glad and excited to meet you girl! Oh and I just turned 38, not sure how I feel about that yet! haha!!
Glad to meet all of you, and I really look forward to this journey! Thank you so very much for your warm welcome!
R

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We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned,
so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.
- Joseph Campbell


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 9:44 pm 
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l i v i n wrote:
answers to questions....
is it dangerous to stop?
no, opiate withdrawl does not kill you. only benzo and alcohol w/d can. only sickness that feels deathly with this class of drug. your friend who stopped at .5 got sick because .5 is still a fairly large dose. I am at .05mg now and if i stop i will probably still feel some kind of w/d by day 3. this is why im taking it as low as i can. read my post about weaning off by taking the strips.
By the way, other than a husband, kids, and you being female you seem a lot like me which is good because it means your in for a fairly easy ride. the big plus is that your busy (a nurse), exercise, take clonodine and are taking your dose once a day. I am doing all of that except for the nurse thing (well actually im volunteering at a hospital and doing the pre med thing so i guess were similar in that respect too). Being busy at the hospital all day really helped my wean. I forgot all about it at work. I see how hard the nurses work so i am sure you forget at work as well. Follow my wean on my thread about using the strips. its a new post near yours. let me know if you have any other questions and remember you need to be thinking .05 not .5 for minimal w/d


Just wanted to say THANK YOU! You made me feel better! I read your earlier posts, and wanted to say YAY YOU! Way to go! I know how hard pre-med work is, and you should be so proud. I loved how you worded alot of what you wrote, about being "everyone else" now and so forth. Good luck to you on your journey as well, and I look forward to hearing more about you as well! R

_________________
We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned,
so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.
- Joseph Campbell


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 11:34 pm 
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Welcome, rain! Boy, we do have some things in common...the major thing being that we find ourselves here because of falling!

I too was terrified of getting off these pills as I had been on them so long. Yes, yes, yes, they helped with depression/anxiety that I had suffered on and off with all my life. Isn't that so funny that so many of us suffered with dep/anx before sub? They are studying it now for use with depression...it is so fast acting and can actually be used as a sort of "induction" for patients suffering from severe depression while the other more popular antidepressents take their usual 4-6 weeks to get going.

I, too, no longer wish to be on any meds. I just want my life back as it was pre-subs. I am coming down from 24 mgs/day. I had a doctor push me up there for pain management and wish I had not done that but I just wasn't as educated on subs as I am now.

Do not be disheartened! It is very doable to get off...it just takes time and patience. You have to allow the time, after each drop in dosage, for your brain to get rid of the receptors that it no longer is using. You have to allow time for your brain to start producing its own endorphins again. Changes have occurred in our brains that have to be "undone" to get our old brains back :) This is just a laymen's term explanation...trying to keep it simple here....but we are "relearning" how to make happy again in our heads LOL!

Finding this board has been wonderful for me....I tried to read others but there were such negative undertones going on. I have not found that here...there are some very upbeat, positive people. And, since I try to be that way myself...I was very happy to find this board.

I am a Christian with a strong belief in God and Christ...I feel like all that we go through on this earth is to help us to be more compassionate and loving towards others. Going thru this ordeal has opened me up to losing my judgemental nature towards those with addiction problems. In my old days, I simply could not understand how addicts (of any kind) could not just STOP. LOL! How much my outlook has changed! This can happen to anyone, anywhere, anytime. It knows no socio-economic status, race, gender, etc....
I am very happy to be here and post my story in the hopes that it will help some other person out there to make a decision about sub...whether it is starting or tapering. Sub was there when I needed it and for that I am thankful. Many will make the decision to stay on it for life. Some will want off. It is a very personal decision.
Glad to have you here and keep us all updated!


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