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PostPosted: Sun May 23, 2010 12:11 am 
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Ginger,
You are not bothering me a bit, in fact, you're doing quite the opposite! You're close to my parents age (they were 45) and I find that comforting as well.. plus, as you said you have kids particularly daughters my age, so I know you understand. That is the bad thing about my uncle and aunt.. they have no idea how to talk or relate to me. I have always been around adults (being so close to my parents and being an only child with a extended family) I've become very good at talking with adults and seem to get along with them much better than people my own age, my point being.. it's not too bad on that level.. but I do wish they'd understand me more. I am so used to being spoiled and babied (lol)... I'm used to being coddled when I'm sick and basically catered to my entire life... so, it's a whole new world now. I know I sounded like a spoiled little girl in that last line, but it wasn't like that.. It wasn't like a parents spoiling their kids with material items type thing... I was just very loved.

I cannot imagine what it would be like living on my own, hell, I hate even staying home alone for a short period of time. The quietness is too hard for me, I'd go insane thinking. I think it's great that you're a teacher..what grade do you teach? I myself originally wanted to be a teacher, but after everything that happened to me and I took some high school psych courses, I discovered that I wanted to work with kids as a therapist or psychologist.. so that is my long term plan... who knows if I'll ever get to it. The way I'm emotionally ( let alone physically) feeling, I don't even know if I can make it through tonight. I so hate antidepressants/psych pills but I started Celexia the other day... things are getting too hard, I miss my parents (particularly my dad) too much. I just wanted to include here that I was very close to both of my parents... but always mainly a Daddy's Girl, I know I often mention my dad with out my mom and I end up feeling bad about it, lol. It's great that you're going to get to visit with your children! See, the oxys had a different effect on me.. I would take just enough to function, look totally normal and turn into a huge people person... all the sadness I felt for things and my shyness and insecurities went away. I know I harp on this factor but.. I honestly never took them to get high... I think maybe that's why I don't crave it that bad. My only thing is I want to feel numb again.. I want to feel that everything's going to be alright feeling. I wonder what will happen when I return back into the "real world". I do have to explain that in actuality, I have never been in the "real world".. I was very sheltered, went to a Catholic grade and high school, and never really went out.. so I don't have a clue what it's like. BUT, I just don't think I will have the will when opportunities approach themselves to turn them away.. I just long to be numb too badly. Plus, let's face it... everyone rebels at some point, and I never got my chance to.. I loved my dad too much, when he was alive, I'd never do anything wrong in fear of hurting him. I some how always told myself that he'd understand some how about the pills and that in the long run, I was helping him. He had a hard time from his back surgeries and I figured I could be of more help with the pills then without.
I am glad you got to work in your garden, from what I hear, it's very theraputic. My aunt and uncle have a huge garden, their trying the whole square foot thing out this year... eh, I tried to pretend to be interested lol. I do love flowers though, what kind are you growing? Roses and deraniums (I know I massacred the spelling of that) are my favorites. Well, I think I have rambled enough at this point.. Thank you for checking in on me, I really appreciate it! It's about that time now where I lay awake all night and ice my jaw (it's hurting incredibly bad at this point) OH what I wouldn't give for a pain pill... even a Vike would suffice right now lol. Have a great night and please keep in touch with me.

BTW, where are the guys on this site? I'm lovin' the female support but a lil male attention wouldn't be too bad either.. LOL.. just kidding, kind of. : )


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PostPosted: Sun May 23, 2010 10:34 am 
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Hi Mia! I know what you mean about the vic's or oxy's. Taking them when I was emotionally not well, would make me numb. Numb to the bad feelings, or numb to the sadness. They just made all the bad feelings go away. I think that is what I miss most about them. BUT, Im so glad I don't have to rely on them anymore to feel better. IT's hard, but Im getting there.

Im still keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I have lots of dental issues as well and I can not imagine the pain you are in. I really hope you report that dentist to the ADA.

((((HUGS)))))

BTW, if you ever want to talk feel free to send me a message. My dad died when I was 8 yrs old. I know what you are going through and the pain you deal with every day. I think you are one of the strongest people I "know".


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 Post subject: a new day!
PostPosted: Sun May 23, 2010 12:39 pm 
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Good morning Mia,

I hope you are feeling a little better today. I have been on Celexa myself, for about 4 years and for me it was the best antidepressant with the least amount of side effects. I think it took a couple of weeks of being on it before I felt an better, so try and be patient and let it work.

I'm sorry to hear that you are still wanting to be numb but I completely understand it. My own mother died a year ago and it was really hard on me. We were really close and she is the only one that I could be honest with about my addiction and I detoxed at her house several times and she would take great care of me. She never made me feel bad about my addiction and was always very supportive. When she died it was completely unexpected and I am the one that found her. I still get really upset thinking about that, it was so horrible, as she had been dead for a few days and was in the bathtub. I'm sorry if that was too much information, but I just wanted you to know I completely understand about wanting to be numb. After that happenedmy addiction just skyrockedted out of control. I Could not get that memory out of my head and I wanted to be numb so bad. Still day when I think about it, I fall apart and want to take a benzo or something, anything!

I am doing a lot better today but it took me a very long time to get stable on SUb and I relapsed several times. Finally I decided enough was enough. I was destroying every relationship I had and went through all of our savings and I feel so badly about that. Today I want to be better, I want to be present in my childrens life.

You can get through this Mia. I understand how difficult it is. I am happy to hear that you have a goal to be a kids therapist. You would be awesome at that as I honestly believe things happen for a reason and you have been through so much so you can help other kids deal with the same things. Only people that understand that can truly be helpful. My first therapist had never been an addict so she did not understand anything I was going through. The therapist I have now was an addict for 15 years and has been clean now for 8 years so he completely understand and is so helpful and it was the best thing I ever did finding him. I can tell him anything and he gets it. So, keep putting that goal ahead of you. Once you start feeling a little better and get stable on you Sub, you can start focusing on your dreams.

Okay, I have to get in the shower. I hope you are having a good day. I am sure other people will drop by your thread soon, even the guys! :wink:

Hugs,
Ginger


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PostPosted: Sun May 23, 2010 1:32 pm 
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Wow Ginger, what you said about your Mother really just shocked me.. because I found my dad in the bath tub. He wasn't laying in it, but was slumped over with his head in the water.. whatever happened to him happened before he fell and hit the water because I was told he didn't drown and that he was gone already.

As for the Celexa, I am not a big fan of antidepressants or psych pills.. in all honesty, I am trying to get some type of nerve pill from my doctor (ativan, valium).. After the over dose on Xanax, I know I'm never going to get them again.. plus I know about the reactions with the suboxone.. I don't want to over take them, but I took a valium on Easter, and it honestly made a world of difference..it made me breathe and it took away the feeling of wanting to cry. As for being numb, I want to be that way every single day... and I just don't know what will happen when I come across pills again...I just cannot stand the pain that I feel, my dad really got me, he understood me... and after you mentioned about your mom, I know you know how I feel.


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PostPosted: Sun May 23, 2010 1:37 pm 
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RLT Mom: I'm sorry to hear about your tooth issues they really complicate things, dont they? I am sorry to hear about your dad passing when you were so young too...although, I don't think age makes a big difference on how you deal with it, but I do wish you had more time with your dad.. I know I am greatful for every single minute, even second I got to spend with my dad.

Thank you for your support... I need all of the "friends" I can get right now! -Hugs-


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PostPosted: Sun May 23, 2010 1:47 pm 
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Hi Mia,

I wanted to reply about the benzos (nerve pills) and antidepressants. I, too, take Celexa and it's helped me immensely with mood swings and anxiety. You're right that benzos are dangerous with suboxone - both can depress the respiratory system. Take too much and the risk of death is high. Plus if you abused your xanax (which I did too) and your doctor DID decide to prescribe them, remember you would be at great risk of relapse.

This is why, personally, I think you should reconsider starting an antidepressant. They are used frequently for depression AND anxiety these days. I'm not sure what your fears are about them, so unfortunately I can't address those fears.

You've been through a hell of a lot lately and I don't think it would be a mistake to try antidepressants. You might be pleasantly surprised and if you don't like them you can always go off them.

Also, if you have anxiety issues you might want to read an older blog my Dr. Junig about anxiety and how addicts tend to take them not to feel normal like most people, but to feel utterly relaxed. It's a good read. Here's that blog post:
http://suboxonetalkzone.com/?p=1750 I hope it can help give you some perspective.

Take care.

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PostPosted: Sun May 23, 2010 10:26 pm 
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I'm not too concerned about abusing the benzos because I never abused the Xanax... besides the day I over dosed, I took the normal amount of Xanax as was written on the bottle (yes, I realize it wasn't my bottle but my point is I didn't over take them). I have started the Celexa a few days ago, but I was just saying that I didn't really like them. I would be very happy if I could get even a "baby" Valium to help me deal with the anxiety and nerves.


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PostPosted: Mon May 24, 2010 6:26 am 
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That's us......addicts...we are great with coming up with lines like that."I never abused xanax except for the overdose"..We are walking contradictions. You know I took Klonipin for 5 years and just like you I never abused it....It just wasn't my DOC ...unfortuantely Dr's have shut me down every time I have made that statement...It's true no matter how sincere we are in our recovery the assumption is that we are all liars (and other than my sub doc I did mostly lie to my doctor's). I am sorry you are having a tough time but the nannies (lol) have taken you under thier wing and that is good......that's why most of us guys have stayed out of it.......and if they made baby valium's you would find a ton of people addicted to baby valiums......it's tough..but with all the prayers going your way from those on this site...you will pevail......Good luck.

Jim


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PostPosted: Mon May 24, 2010 8:04 am 
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Mia,

In my opinion, the more you can try to focus on managing your anxiety without medications the better off you will be both short and long term. I saw my sub doc the other day and she firmly believes that most opiate addicts have underlying anxiety disorders. Whether it is the way we live, fight or flight syndrome, or whatever, the anxiety is killing people and as a nation, we don't manage anxiety well. We all want a pill for it. I don't have a love for anxiety pills either. They were never my DOC. I can stay away from them pretty easy....VERY easy. BUT......I have also learned that I can manage my anxiety with meditation. I'm still learning and I am not as good at it as I would like to be, but I practice regularly and as time goes on, I get better and better about it. It has made a huge difference for me.

My doctor asked me which were the best books I had read and I have only read a few. She was looking for something easy to read that she could give to her suboxone patients. I recommended "It's Easier Than You Think" by Sylvia Boorstein and "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron. These are the two my therapist recommended and let me borrow. I thought meditation was ridiculous. I mean......every time something goes wrong, I can't sit indian style, close my eyes and start meditating right?!? It just isn't like that. I really think meditation might help you considerably and I highly recommend either or both of these books. You could probably get them online for less than $10 total.

You just have SO much going on and you have been through SO much. You have every reason in the world to have massive anxiety. In order to really move forward, you will need to find a way to manage. That is just my opinion.

Hang in there!

Cherie


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PostPosted: Mon May 24, 2010 8:18 am 
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I agree wholeheartedly with Jackcrack. I thought meditation was a bunch of hooey. But it really does work. I used to be on insane amounts of xanax, but it was discontinued when I went on sub. So I had to learn fast how to deal with anxiety.

I wrote a post about meditation/self-hypnosis/guided imagery under the topic of "chronic pain". It's fairly detailed on how to do it. Take a look at it - perhaps you can start there and with the addition of those books Jackcrack recommended, you might just be well on your way to dealing successfully with your anxiety.

Good luck!

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PostPosted: Mon May 24, 2010 11:56 am 
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In quick response to ReRaise: I understand completely what you're saying about assumptions.. HOWEVER, the statement that I made wasn't a contradiction if you understand the back history to it. As I have written since the beginning, my over dose was a suicide attempt, it wasn't an accidental "oh let me take enough to get sedated" kind of thing. I took over 300 pills in it, and I don't know what half of them were, just dumped them all into my mouth.. and xanax just happened to be one of them. AND by the term "baby valium", I meant the very lowest mg of valium that they some time even give to young children to procedures or whatever. I did not mean the term quite as literal as you took it. Thanks for the response!


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PostPosted: Mon May 24, 2010 12:00 pm 
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Hatmaker/Jackcrack: I understand completely what you guys are saying about benzos.. however, if I'm going to be completely honest, I cannot say that if a doctor would prescribe them to me I wouldn't take them. I mean, I'm not taking Opiates...but, if I could be prescribed something that makes me where I could breathe again and not have the constant "lump" feeling in my throat.. then by all means, I'm going to take it. That's just me and where I'm currently at in my life. I 100% agree that there are other methods and I agree with both of you that they aren't the best option.. but I guess it's just one of those personal choices where we have to do what's best for us. Thank you both for all of the help and advice you've been trying to give me since I started writing here. <3 I Appreciates it!


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 Post subject: me again!
PostPosted: Mon May 24, 2010 5:45 pm 
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Hi Mia,

How are you feeling today? Did you get to the dentist? I think tomorrow is your appointment with your Sub doctor right? Make sure you tell him about the anxiety. It's hard to say what he will do, some docs are okay with benzos, but most are not and I understand why. Opiates are difficult enough to get off, benzos are a whole other nightmare. The last thing you need right now is another addiction to conquer and benzos grab you even faster than oopiates. I took xanax once when I was going through withdrawals. I only took it for about ten days, but when Istopped I felt horrible and the anxiety was ten times worse then it was going through withdrawals. I will no ever touch another xanax ever again and I told my doctor that. I even told him to never prescribe xanax for anyone that you may be concerned might have an addiction problem. He always laughs when I tell him stuff like that and tells me he has learnedso much about addiction since he has been dealing with me. He even used to leave his pad for scripts out on his desk until I asked him how many have ever gone missing. He was not sure but since then he always keeps his scripts in his shirt pocket. Actually last time I was there, he got a new program on his computer that sends the scripts right to the pharmacy. He would know then if I ever got a script form any other doctor.
Now, saying that I do have a script for oxazepam. I only get 5 a month, to be sure I don't abuse them. Your doc may do something the same, but if I were you I would try and be patient with the Celexa. It is an awesome SSRI, the best one in my opinion with the least amount of side effects. You should start to feel better soon, and I know for me it also really helped with the anxiety a lot. I really hope it works as well for you.

What do you really love doing or have apassion for? Are you musical? or love animals? or like volunteering to help people? I think when you start to feel a little more stable you should look for something that you really like doing. I used to play the guitar but put it down years ago when I got addicted to opiates. Last week I asked my husband to get it out of the attic for me, and I can't even believe I can still play. My fingers are raw, but other than that it's been a huge stress reliever.

Let me know how you make out with your appointments.

Ginger


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PostPosted: Mon May 24, 2010 8:17 pm 
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Hey Ginger,
I would have NO problem with getting something like you were talking about.. 5 or 6 of some type of benzo a month.. just to get through those very hard days. I am not trying to start another habit or recontinue one.. I have experienced Xanax withdrawal and I know how bad it is. With that said, Valium are unaddicting and show no physical withdrawal symptoms when not taking them. I never really liked Valium but eh I'd be more than happy to have it now.
As for my doc appointments, I called ALL over for dentists today, and the soonest I could get an appointment as a new patient was June 3rd, the day before my bday... looks like I'll be eating bday cake through a straw.. lol. I hate having to wait that long, I'm in a lot of pain but there's not much else I can do. My appointment with the sub doctor is tomorrow and I'm a bit nervous about it. I'll let you know how it goes.
AND as for passion, the only thing I'm truly passionate about is animals. I've been a vegetarian for almost 10 years now.. member of PETA, Humane Society,ASPCA,OBR... and a ton more. I have a Basset Hound and a Peekapuggle (designer dog) and their the loves of my life. I would love to work with animals further, I'm considering volunteering at a no kill cat shelter once I'm feeling better.. but I'm mainly focusing on trying to finish my classes right now. I think people who can play the guitar are just awesome.. I am not musically inclined at ALL.. I used to sing/cantor back during my Catholic school days but that's about the extent of it. Glad you're playing again!


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PostPosted: Mon May 24, 2010 8:33 pm 
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I think I just figured out why no guys are responding...............won't make that mistake.....and due to your fragile state I will refrain from my any true thoughtsI might be feeling right now..........yeah...yeah...yeah......your going through a tough time........nothing any of us guys can relate too............

Jim


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 Post subject: valium IS addicting
PostPosted: Mon May 24, 2010 8:58 pm 
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Hey Mia,

I just read your last post and what you said about valium. Valium is VERy addicting. At one time doctors were overprescribing it to stressed out housewives. Little did they know how addicting it was until thry all got hooked on them. Please know that ALL benzos are extremely addicitng and very hard to get off. The only reason my doc even prescribed 5 is that I am still having huge pain issues and having trouble sleeping at nights and will not prescribe a sleep med, but said he would give me a very limited supply of oxazepam, but he may not do so next month. I have only taken one, I'm really quite terrified of them.

I'm happy to hear that you do have a passion for something. Animals are an awesome stress reliever. Dogs seem to know when we are having a tough time and will not leave your side. I think it's an awesome idea to do some volunteer work at the Cat Shelter. WHat are you taking in school??

Take care, and be good to yourself,

Ginger


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PostPosted: Mon May 24, 2010 8:59 pm 
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Reraise: I have NO idea what any of your sarcasm is for... I really don't think I've said anything that has warranted it but ok. You feel free to express any real thoughts or feelings you may have towards me.. I am perfectly aware that I am not the only one going through a tough time... and I'm all for constructive criticism.. Just beware, I bite back.


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PostPosted: Mon May 24, 2010 9:09 pm 
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Hey Ginger (:
I should have re worded.. Valium has never been addicting for ME.. I think it ultimately comes down to a personal choice.. just like not taking opiates is a personal choice. I know what you mean about the sleeping pills... psych gave me a script for Ambien and it made me SOOO sick with the subs as I was saying before. I don't react well to sleeping pills all together, though, regardless of the subs.
At school, I'm finishing up a few credits, trying to maintain a 3.8 GPA with everything going on. Ideally, I hope to start college in the Spring and major in psychology.


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PostPosted: Tue May 25, 2010 8:24 am 
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Mia,

I just want to reiterate that valium are HIGHLY addicting and they may not have been in the past, but given your age and your opiate addiction I cannot stress enough that you need to err on the side of caution. I wasn't afraid of painkillers for that very reason. I had always been able to take them without an issue. I never got addicted to them. BUT....I had gotten addicted to other things in the past for short periods of time and as soon as anything interfered with my schooling, relationships, etc. I just got off of it. In comparison to my friends back then I was definitely a true "quitter". I had no problem quitting things and just plain wasn't afraid of the opiates for that reason. It literally only took a couple of weeks for me to get addicted to oxycontin.

Since you are so interested in psychology, I really hope that you will give meditation some more thought and read a couple of books on it. Maybe practice it a couple of times. I used to say ALL the time that I was born with this anxiety problem and didn't understand why all the doctor's seemed to prefer I self medicate it instead of prescribing me something for it. Life could have been so much easier had they just done that.......it seemed anyways. I can't tell you how much I wish I would have been exposed to some type of meditation 15 years ago. It is actually EASIER than taking a pill and feels much better. Plus, if you ever intend to counsel others, meditation is very helpful in keeping yourself "present" for your patients and keeping your personality and you out of THEIR sessions and their problems.

I have found it useful in many situations. Keep hanging in there. You are doing really well.

Cherie


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PostPosted: Tue May 25, 2010 10:00 pm 
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My doctors appointment went well today.. he's extremely nice. He is a psychiatrist and it turned wayy more into a psychiatry thing, we never even talked about the addiction aspect. We did an exercize where I had to visualize a long road and give details about it... apparently I am the bunny in the middle of the road.. HA! Interesting, right? :P

The dentist had a cancellation, so my appointment is tomorrow. The new sub doctor told me not to get any pain meds or I would go into withdrawals (which I know there are ways around but) .. since my "tight ass" uncle was in there I could forget getting ANYTHING for pain from the dentist... I am SO not looking forward to that at all. I hate dental pain.. I'm terrified of the dentist as it is.

That's about it.. hope everyones week is going well (:


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